Mediation & Parent Facilitator Language

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

Hello all, been a while since I have posted but I need some perspective...

Quick recap, I filed for divorce from my uBPDw last September. She revealed past sexual trauma and asked for time while she went to therapy. I agreed to pause, but NOT withdraw the petitio.  After 20 years, what was a few more months? We both continued with individual therapy however things did not fundamentally improve. A little more time lost...

Then there were two incidents with our youngest earlier this year that involved my wife dysregulating to the point of terrorizing by chasing and another time by hitting/choking one of our kids. (In hindsight, I should have called CPS but I did not.)

At that point, my decision was made. If after six months of her own therapy she could not control her own emotional state, I was not going to wait any longer. A few months ago, shortly after the choking incident, I told her that I was following through with the divorce.

Out of my desire to conserve limited financial resources for both our benefit, I have continued to live in the same house. This was a mistake. Not too surprisingly, and without exception, her behavior has confirmed, over and over, that I made the right choice. She has made life hell. I had to draw some pretty firm boundaries and even got to the point that conversations had to go through our attorneys as I am unwilling to be put in a situation that is so nasty, unproductive and verbally abussive.

Last week, we had our first mediation session. I have to admit, I was underwhelmed at the mediators ability to get to what I perceive would be a "fair" compromise on many issues. I realize my wife is very much an "all or nothing" type person but I was disappointed by the end that I was again taking what felt like another loss to a woman who is so fundamentally unhealthy that during the session, the mediator asked if my wife is seeing a therapist! The session ended without an agreement.

In the days following, I have come to terms with most of what is "close enough" for me (I WANT OUT!) but I am left feeling worried about the Parenting Facilitator language.

The mediator put in a 75%/25% split on cost of the Parenting Facilitator, meaning I would pay significantly more.

On one hand, fine, I will earn more than my stbx but it seems like a dangerous plan to give her something she could use as a weapon. I am thinking she could refuse to come to agreement and instead demand more knowing it will cost me 3 times what it would cost her to have a facilitator work things through.

On the other hand, the shame of having to parade our disagreements in front of someone may make her hesitant to utilize the Facilitator.  Being so driven by percieved shame, she may want to avoid speaking to the facilitator.

Does anyone have experience with this kind of set up? Words of wisdom? Am I right to be worried about the finances? Can I rest easy knowing, as I often find myself saying, "She is her own worst enemy."?

As the mediator put it, "Sync, on the divorce scale, you are at an 8. You are ready for this and want it. She is at a 2." I'll give her that much, I want it and I am almost out... I just don't want to give in on something that could bite me. Would love to hear thoughts & ideas.

[All_Out_of_Sync]

Hello all, been a while since I have posted but I need some perspective...

Quick recap, I filed for divorce from my uBPDw last September. She revealed past sexual trauma and asked for time while she went to therapy. I agreed to pause, but NOT withdraw the petitio.  After 20 years, what was a few more months? We both continued with individual therapy however things did not fundamentally improve. A little more time lost...

Then there were two incidents with our youngest earlier this year that involved my wife dysregulating to the point of terrorizing by chasing and another time by hitting/choking one of our kids. (In hindsight, I should have called CPS but I did not.)

At that point, my decision was made. If after six months of her own therapy she could not control her own emotional state, I was not going to wait any longer. A few months ago, shortly after the choking incident, I told her that I was following through with the divorce.

Out of my desire to conserve limited financial resources for both our benefit, I have continued to live in the same house. This was a mistake. Not too surprisingly, and without exception, her behavior has confirmed, over and over, that I made the right choice. She has made life hell. I had to draw some pretty firm boundaries and even got to the point that conversations had to go through our attorneys as I am unwilling to be put in a situation that is so nasty, unproductive and verbally abussive.

Last week, we had our first mediation session. I have to admit, I was underwhelmed at the mediators ability to get to what I perceive would be a "fair" compromise on many issues. I realize my wife is very much an "all or nothing" type person but I was disappointed by the end that I was again taking what felt like another loss to a woman who is so fundamentally unhealthy that during the session, the mediator asked if my wife is seeing a therapist! The session ended without an agreement.

In the days following, I have come to terms with most of what is "close enough" for me (I WANT OUT!) but I am left feeling worried about the Parenting Facilitator language.

The mediator put in a 75%/25% split on cost of the Parenting Facilitator, meaning I would pay significantly more.

On one hand, fine, I will earn more than my stbx but it seems like a dangerous plan to give her something she could use as a weapon. I am thinking she could refuse to come to agreement and instead demand more knowing it will cost me 3 times what it would cost her to have a facilitator work things through.

On the other hand, the shame of having to parade our disagreements in front of someone may make her hesitant to utilize the Facilitator.  Being so driven by percieved shame, she may want to avoid speaking to the facilitator.

Does anyone have experience with this kind of set up? Words of wisdom? Am I right to be worried about the finances? Can I rest easy knowing, as I often find myself saying, "She is her own worst enemy."?

As the mediator put it, "Sync, on the divorce scale, you are at an 8. You are ready for this and want it. She is at a 2." I'll give her that much, I want it and I am almost out... I just don't want to give in on something that could bite me. Would love to hear thoughts & ideas.

[GaGrl]

Did you come to a mediated agreement that was signed, or is close to being signed?

Manny medications with BPD's are not successful. If hours was not, don't feel bad. You can take what was agreed upon to a lawyer, and go from there.

On payment of a parenting coordinator, I believe splitting costs should be 50-50. She doesn't need a reason to engage with you unnecessarily. (Sometimes negative attention is still attention a BPD craves.) She needs to become invested in problem-solving around the children.

[livednlearned]

Can you modify the language so that the order is in place for 3 months? My parenting coordinator order was initially for 2 years, and I countered with six months. We agreed on one year. Just that process alone let the PC know I had concerns about whether her services would help our situation.

I also modified other language in the order. In my state PCs have an extension of judicial duties and can make decisions. I felt it was more important for the PC to help clarify the existing order and assist in communication, so that was reflected in the language.

I wonder if it's possible to ask for the language to reflect who uses the services more? Meaning, a graduated payment plan for 3 months where it's 75/25 (to show your agreeableness) and then a reassessment to see if the PC perceives any lopsidedness in how the services are being used.

[All_Out_of_Sync]

Thank you both for the feedback. 

In my state there is a choice between a parenting coordinator or a parenting facilitator.  Given my situation, my L has explained the facilitator will be able to testify if needed. 

GaGrl, we did not come to an agreement.  Our lawyers were involved in the mediation session.  I agree with your thoughts about negative attention, at my significantly higher percentage of the cost!

Livednlearned, I like the idea of setting expectations on the duration and evaluating if it is being used in an unfair or lopsided manner.

Next mediation is set for a month away, trying to keep my chin up but wow, this is an absolute beat down!   Latest drama is she won't give me access to our external hard drive (two decades of family pictures, argh!).   Always something new and frustrating!

Thanks again for the thoughts.
Sync

[livednlearned]

Another potential suggestion for the agreement ... maybe you can ask for language that caps the usage. For example, you pay 75/25 for x number of contacts per month. After that, the person who initiates the facilitation pays 100 percent. Even if you don't get either of these options into the language, you flag for the professionals that you have concerns. 

Also, that's good news that the facilitator can be called to testify. My PC ended up testifying on behalf of her motion to withdraw from our case. In her testimony, she singled me out for using her services only when necessary and not once for frivolous reasons.

I would assume these professionals see a lot of abuse of the system and can testify to it. That might be what you (unfortunately have to) pay for if your ex does use the service at your expense.

[All_Out_of_Sync]

Quick update, my L had been out of town but I was finally able to have a conversation about the split on facilitator costs.

I didn't even have to get very far in explaining  my concerns before she said, "No, the 75/25 won't work, it needs to be 50/50 to deter your STBX from abusing the facilitator." (HA!  I know she means, financially, but struck a cord with me! )

Huge sigh of relief that I found a L that understands these situations.

Now we are going to have to see if we are going to exchange more offer before our next mediation session, in a month.

Good grief, I want this over!
Sync