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Author Topic: Entering year two - she kicked me out but why hasn't she let go?  (Read 264 times)
Rev
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« on: August 01, 2020, 07:10:48 PM »

Hello wise people,

So today is the 1st anniversary of my new place.

My ex - who in a rush of haste kicked me out in June 2019 - has not let go.

In the year that has past she lost her job (constructively dismissed actually and now is search for a new post in the organization we both work for) and needed to sell her house that she co-owned with her first husband.  Something still sticks with me - she has not let go.  I've blocked her for almost a year on FB, but had forgotten to block her on LINKED IN and caught her lurking there about three weeks ago. At the same time, she had a bit of meltdown on Facebook about our relationship. I know this because I colleague let me know. I have since made it clear to colleagues that I am really not interested in knowing these things.

That was, as I said, three weeks ago.

This is sticking to me because it makes no sense to me and when something doesn't make sense, generally I need to know.

Thoughts? Questions for clarification?  I'd really like to put this behind me. It's stirring up feelings of anger that when I suppress them, triggers negative self talk and the desire to confront her with all the things my T promised me to not say to her or anyone else in the organization.

Maybe I need more T? There are days I am sure I will need to leave the city and go far away.

Thoughts? Questions?  Feeling pretty yucky right now as I write this.


Rev
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« Reply #1 on: August 01, 2020, 07:47:46 PM »




This is sticking to me because it makes no sense to me and when something doesn't make sense, generally I need to know.



Clarification - what makes no sense to me - a year later, she still hasn't let go. Not by a long shot. And she's the one who ended it (because I caught her running up our finances while she was supporting new supply - her newfound biological brother. She's adopted.)

Rev
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« Reply #2 on: August 01, 2020, 09:43:00 PM »

Rev, my DH had a peculiar relationship with his then wife, who is uBPD/NPD (well before we were married). She married him to come to the U.S. (as she was overheard saying more than once), and soon began a pattern of blatant infidelities. Even through having children and all the problems he encountered when he was deployed, she put him on a pedestal and a very paternalistic position.

When we married, they had not lived together for 14 years -- and she still depended on DH more than was appropriate, trusting him more than her life-in boyfriend. I think he represented the most stable, accepting, supportive person in her life.

DH was co-dependent. This was something I had to put some boundaries in place to manage for myself. She was quite intrusive early in our marriage. We grew past it, even when she had issues with her bf, seven years into our marriage, and proposed that they "reconcile." It is not unusual in pwBWD to maintain this view of someone as their hero of knight in shining atmor, even as they abuse them.

How does your ex view you? Are you put on a pedestal? Are you idealized?

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« Reply #3 on: August 01, 2020, 09:47:16 PM »

I know this because I colleague let me know.

 I have since made it clear to colleagues that I am really not interested in knowing these things.

That was, as I said, three weeks ago.


You appear hung on 3 weeks. This appears to me, the time you took another step towards detachment. Maybe stirring abandonment fear?

I'd really like to put this behind me.
 
Its not the time to discard/put behind these feelings, this is probably what you have done in the past, and the same results will come.

In the year that has past she lost her job (constructively dismissed actually and now is search for a new post in the organization we both work for)

Seems as if you should feel fortunate. She on the other hand is out a job, due to no fault of her own. Would you not maybe be a little stressed, if this was you? I find it odd you worded this, like you did.

This is sticking to me because it makes no sense to me and when something doesn't make sense, generally I need to know.

I also come from Narcissistic traits, this would also happen to me, when I lied to myself unconsciously.

It's stirring up feelings of anger that when I suppress them

You suppress them to avoid the pain, that is creating the anger. Anger is not a stand alone emotion. It takes pain to be created.

triggers negative self talk and the desire to confront her with all the things my T promised me to not say to her or anyone else in the organization.

What does "negative self talk" include? it appears separate from confronting her, no?
Your T is trying to help with good advice. Tell him/her, this board, the cat, dog, hamster, trees. Telling coworkers, maybe some that know her, or probably still in contact with her is fruitless and will not yield the results you are looking for....Talking to her will put you back to square one, from 3 weeks ago, i presume. i would understand if you act on your impulses, I did.

My ex - who in a rush of haste kicked me out in June 2019 - has not let go.

Maybe this should read.........My ex blew up my world, in June 2019, I have yet to let go. 3 weeks isnt very long.

Thoughts? Questions?  Feeling pretty yucky right now as I write this.

Maybe abandonment depression, with some FOG, and who the hell knows, what else. You have been here before and its time to explore these feelings instead of fearing/discard them.

Maybe I need more T?

Always, if they are helping not enabling. Havent met or heard of anyone that couldnt benefit from this, have you?

I believe your story is similar to mine, go figure....Keep working, be patient with yourself (telling) and the answers will come when you are ready. No sooner or later. i wish you well, Peace





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« Reply #4 on: August 01, 2020, 11:21:38 PM »

Excerpt
Thoughts? Questions for clarification?  I'd really like to put this behind me. It's stirring up feelings of anger that when I suppress them, triggers negative self talk and the desire to confront her with all the things my T promised me to not say to her or anyone else in the organization.

Maybe I need more T? There are days I am sure I will need to leave the city and go far away.

Fleeing is certainly an option. Myself? I desire to retire early out of state in about 11 years when our youngest hits college age.

3 years ago, my ex asked to come back. Not for me, but because she was hurting not being with the kids full time. That was almost 3 years after she left me for the guy she married, but that r/s went to  Cursing - won't cause site restrictions at Starbucks (click to insert in post)

Last year, she asked to borrow $25k to pay down her credit card debt.

I said no to both of those requests, BIFF style, even though part of me wanted to engage in conversations to maybe "teach" her or to enact justice in that everything I told her would happen did.

So detachment is really on our side of the fence, in our courts. What do you want for you, despite what she does, even those annoying pings?
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« Reply #5 on: August 02, 2020, 05:20:01 AM »

I said no to both of those requests, BIFF style, even though part of me wanted to engage in conversations to maybe "teach" her or to enact justice in that everything I told her would happen did.


I can confirm this BIFF, i do this today and it is very effective............I remember       
 "teaching" passive aggressively. I was pumping my ego, not teaching or learning, but it sure could appear so. I was good at it. Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)
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« Reply #6 on: August 02, 2020, 05:33:43 AM »


How does your ex view you? Are you put on a pedestal? Are you idealized?


That is very, very interesting. Your DH's experience sounds familiar.  My ex never really cut ties with her first husband - and relied on him for certain things that crossed boundaries. He has really, really serious confidence problems and could never really say no to her. Of course they have two children together, so that made things difficult and his new wife gradually put boundaries in place. His new wife had no time for my wife (his ex).

My intuition tells me "yes" - I am on a pedestal of sorts. I was meant to be the solution to some really serious career problems and financial problems she had and still has.
But at the same time (of course) I am for certain being blamed as my career has taken root without her in the picture. We were a pretty public couple (not my choice). Her new supply (the brother) can't provide her the same platform for the prestige she seeks for herself.  And certainly when I began to have serious issues with how she was conducting herself ethically in our organization, neither could I.  

So the more I think about it, it I really do sound like your DH. You say deployed, so I assume he is a military person. Subculture can sometimes make you blind to every day things that other people can see plain as day. I am definitely part of a subculture. BUT - as I continued my studies at University in Psychotherapy (which has given my career new life).

Par of this is my own disappointment in still having residue from such an abusive relationship. I guess the other lesson to learn still is that the healing process takes the time that it takes. So hard to take one's own advice by times, isn't it??? LOL

Thank you for such a concise answer. This makes sense. From what I know about her, her own sense of shame and failure will likely never go away. She had an entire career path shut down about 10 years ago because of her temper and she has an assessment that circulates in the school system after she had a run-in with a social worker.

The more that this is downloading in my brain as I write this, the more this is making sense.  

Tell me - if I was talking to your DH, what advice do you think he would give me?

REV
« Last Edit: August 02, 2020, 05:44:51 AM by Rev » Logged
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« Reply #7 on: August 02, 2020, 05:44:11 AM »



So detachment is really on our side of the fence, in our courts. What do you want for you, despite what she does, even those annoying pings?

Yeah - that really is a question that consistently forget to ask myself. And fleeing really is an option that will likely happen once I finish my masters.  Because of the size of my organization, I can pick up and continue elsewhere. 

I think, as I read this, that I need to learn to be BIFF with myself, when this part of myself appears. One of my favorite things I like to say to the people I work with is - when you are talking to yourself, remember to be polite.

Thanks for this.

This makes a lot of sense.

I am sure what I want for myself over the next three years - but those are external career goals. What do I want for myself - internally?  I can't say that I have given that enough thought in the last little while. I was really on track with that earlier in the year, but COVID hit my practice like a truck. I was on call all the time and I am returning to work after some time off. I don't think that I am ready yet. For sure that fatigue is triggering a shame spiral because my filters are down.

Instead of wondering why she won't let go, because it's beginning to dawn on me that she will likely never let go (never met a person who holds a grudge like her), I will spend more time wondering what I want for myself and set about getting there.

Thanks again.

Rev
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« Reply #8 on: August 02, 2020, 05:55:43 AM »

I know this because I colleague let me know.

 I have since made it clear to colleagues that I am really not interested in knowing these things.

That was, as I said, three weeks ago.


You appear hung on 3 weeks. This appears to me, the time you took another step towards detachment. Maybe stirring abandonment fear?

I'd really like to put this behind me.
 
Its not the time to discard/put behind these feelings, this is probably what you have done in the past, and the same results will come.

In the year that has past she lost her job (constructively dismissed actually and now is search for a new post in the organization we both work for)

Seems as if you should feel fortunate. She on the other hand is out a job, due to no fault of her own. Would you not maybe be a little stressed, if this was you? I find it odd you worded this, like you did.

This is sticking to me because it makes no sense to me and when something doesn't make sense, generally I need to know.

I also come from Narcissistic traits, this would also happen to me, when I lied to myself unconsciously.

It's stirring up feelings of anger that when I suppress them

You suppress them to avoid the pain, that is creating the anger. Anger is not a stand alone emotion. It takes pain to be created.

triggers negative self talk and the desire to confront her with all the things my T promised me to not say to her or anyone else in the organization.

What does "negative self talk" include? it appears separate from confronting her, no?
Your T is trying to help with good advice. Tell him/her, this board, the cat, dog, hamster, trees. Telling coworkers, maybe some that know her, or probably still in contact with her is fruitless and will not yield the results you are looking for....Talking to her will put you back to square one, from 3 weeks ago, i presume. i would understand if you act on your impulses, I did.

My ex - who in a rush of haste kicked me out in June 2019 - has not let go.

Maybe this should read.........My ex blew up my world, in June 2019, I have yet to let go. 3 weeks isnt very long.

Thoughts? Questions?  Feeling pretty yucky right now as I write this.

Maybe abandonment depression, with some FOG, and who the hell knows, what else. You have been here before and its time to explore these feelings instead of fearing/discard them.

Maybe I need more T?

Always, if they are helping not enabling. Havent met or heard of anyone that couldnt benefit from this, have you?

I believe your story is similar to mine, go figure....Keep working, be patient with yourself (telling) and the answers will come when you are ready. No sooner or later. i wish you well, Peace







Thanks for all this - clear that you took some time to think about it all and I appreciate it.

SO - yeah - the three week thing is really about me saying, I should have this figured out by now.

For sure anger is tied to pain - and I was able to really stay calm a release much of it, but there are dregs of what I perceive about being rather humiliated - but that is a perception that is not rational.  You are right - my sentence should read - In 2019 she blew up my life because she had a near total meltdown - made some really unethical decision (immoral even) and that is really sitting in my craw. Part of my real struggle, alleviated somewhat with her dismissal, is with the organization I work for. Like many big, public, non-profit organization, we have our share of sweeping stuff under the rug. That is something I really struggle with - which is the real thing my T at the beginning of this made me promise - Rev, you leave this others. DON't be the whistle blower. You will lose.

And - there in lies a real rub. I am about to go back to work after some time off but I must say that the underlying issues brought on by COVID and helping people cope with all their rising mental health issues is tied to this as well.

As Turkish said, I would be well advised to focus on what I feel I need for myself if I am going to be effective.

Thanks again. I really appreciate the objective words you shared.

Rev
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« Reply #9 on: August 02, 2020, 09:28:24 PM »

Quote from: Rev
I think, as I read this, that I need to learn to be BIFF with myself, when this part of myself appears. One of my favorite things I like to say to the people I work with is - when you are talking to yourself, remember to be polite.

What do you mean by this, can you expand upon it?
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« Reply #10 on: August 03, 2020, 03:42:28 AM »

SO - yeah - the three week thing is really about me saying, I should have this figured out by now.



JMHO, I believe our subconscious speaks to our conscious and it is in cryptic speak, to a large degree. Much in the way you hear people trying to interpret their s/o on this site. If you are telling yourself this, I have one question. Is this kind and forgiving to yourself? I urge you to practice this in your waking life, with logic and consistency. It will have no other choice but to spill into other aspects of your life.
Learned behavior is just that, learned.

I think, as I read this, that I need to learn to be BIFF with myself, when this part of myself appears. One of my favorite things I like to say to the people I work with is - when you are talking to yourself, remember to be polite.

What do you mean by this, can you expand upon it?


Im not so sure of the Brief or Firm part but the Friendly and Informative parts.....Now youre talking. I came to understand my uneasiness feelings, was me communicating with me. The cryptic speak didnt compute, so fear would ensue. It didnt appear logical, like a lot in this world, so I would avoid/discard. Awesome for the business world, horrible for my personal world.

In 2019 she blew up my life because she had a near total meltdown -

Is it possible you also played a part, in blowing up your own world? If so than say or type this. This could really be helpful in getting you to GENUINE acceptance. It would be the kind and forgiving thing to do, for both parties, no?

That is something I really struggle with - which is the real thing my T at the beginning of this made me promise - Rev, you leave this others. DON't be the whistle blower. You will lose.

Maybe/most likely you would lose,(money, stature) but what do you feel you would gain? Peace of mind....................Maybe a career change? History hasnt treated whistle blowers so well, yet I dont see you agreeing with the means justifying the end. I get the whole, "dont cut off your own nose, despite your face" saying, but I also get the " whats the worth of freedom and peace of mind". Decisions we all must face and looking before you leap is wise. You seem to have a good T. He also has a good patient. I wish you well, Peace.
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« Reply #11 on: August 03, 2020, 06:53:19 AM »

What do you mean by this, can you expand upon it?

Sure - how much do you know about transaction analysis?  It's basically about understanding our own ego states when we enter relationship - in this case relational conversation.

So to be polite is to speak truth in a way that is loving and ameliorates a situation - you have to want the best outcome for the best reasons. And relationships are ultimately a triad - relationship with another - relationship with the world in which the relationship exists and - relationship with myself (ego state).

So often, regardless of the situation, the politeness in our self talk goes away. There are some who believe that this is because it's the one place where we have the most amount of control, where we can dictate the narrative.   And there we can turn in ourselves with all the negativity of the world. Of course, in every conflict, we have some piece to pick up - even if it's a smaller piece - and this requires integrity.

Politeness is the pre-cursor to this.

Hope this explains it a bit?

Rev
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« Reply #12 on: August 03, 2020, 07:07:39 AM »

[

In 2019 she blew up my life because she had a near total meltdown -

Is it possible you also played a part, in blowing up your own world? If so than say or type this. This could really be helpful in getting you to GENUINE acceptance. It would be the kind and forgiving thing to do, for both parties, no?




You know, depending on how I choose to frame things - this is actually true. I did do this - although I chose it. I confronted my now ex like a blunt instrument, knowing full well that calmly telling her that full-on credit counseling to get spiraling debts under control was not something that she would abide nor would likely produce positive results. I knew this from the bottom of my heart.  The fact is that from 2019 to today, my career has seen the biggest spike in growth ever. I have more space.

I think that was is sitting in my craw is the whistleblower thing - which is purely my ego talking now.  And generally, we're no different than any other large organization when it comes to sweeping things under the rug. We're don't like conflict, so things quietly linger.

But I digress - back to 2019. Time for me to own that decision. When I essentially busted her, I chose that day to not hide from it any longer. Even went out for a slow couple of beers the night before to let what I was about to do sink in. I slept really well that night. Something in me had clearly shifted.  I yes - she kicked me out in haste - but I most certainly provoked her. 

Time for me to claim that decision - and there it is - that is why she continues to lurk. Because the truth is that I rejected her, not the opposite (even tho that is what played out in public and what needed to play out in public to protect my life and career).  Today I need to claim that freedom.

THANK YOU!

This has been fascinating and inciteful.

Blessings to you my friend.

Rev
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« Reply #13 on: August 03, 2020, 08:37:15 AM »

You know, depending on how I choose to frame things - this is actually true. I did do this - although I chose it. I confronted my now ex like a blunt instrument, knowing full well that calmly telling her that full-on credit counseling to get spiraling debts under control was not something that she would abide nor would likely produce positive results. I knew this from the bottom of my heart.  The fact is that from 2019 to today, my career has seen the biggest spike in growth ever. I have more space.


This paragraph is missing something - It should read that "" knowing full well that calmly telling her that WE NEEDED TO GO FOR full-on credit counseling was not something that she would abide..."

There, that makes more sense.
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« Reply #14 on: August 03, 2020, 08:12:25 PM »

There, that makes more sense.

This is one of the many payoffs, for you, by you, and you know it fits. Without this r/s, you may never have gotten this gift. I know people running for decades, upon decades. They are wore out, but know nothing else. So now you have proof your truth can change, as it should.....this is genuine. I wish you well peace
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« Reply #15 on: August 03, 2020, 10:48:29 PM »

I know a small amount about TA. I had never heard of or thought about it in relation to internal dialog.  On the PSI board, however, we often refer to the Punitive Parent internal voice that we picked up from our parents, residue of not fully differentiating from our elders.

Regarding Transactional Analysis, the dynamics in many of these relationships here tend to be Parent-Child,  like the two ego states in TA, and rarely a healthy interation (stroke) between two Adult-Adult ego states.
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« Reply #16 on: August 04, 2020, 06:09:40 AM »

I know a small amount about TA. I had never heard of or thought about it in relation to internal dialog.  On the PSI board, however, we often refer to the Punitive Parent internal voice that we picked up from our parents, residue of not fully differentiating from our elders.

Regarding Transactional Analysis, the dynamics in many of these relationships here tend to be Parent-Child,  like the two ego states in TA, and rarely a healthy interation (stroke) between two Adult-Adult ego states.

So true - When I first met my ex she presented as mature and controlled and principled.  But as the relationship progressed I first noticed with colleagues that she was constantly getting into.arguments. And then with me. As I progressed in my own research and therapy things started to become clearer.

And on that fateful day that I confronted her the full weight of that knowledge was put to use.  But internal dialogue is so important because in moments of stress one ego state will win over the other.

Thanks for weighing in. This thread has been very liberating.

Rev
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« Reply #17 on: August 04, 2020, 09:53:49 AM »

Thanks for weighing in. This thread has been very liberating.

This in my eyes is growth. Continue this for the rest of your life( although not as intense at some point, it becomes consuming) and the gifts that await will be some you never could have imagined.........The child in you is being heard by the one it needs the most attention from. YOU. i wish you well, Peace
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