Help please. 18 year old daughter

[Veggie Cat]

I need help. I don't know what to do. This is my first time here. My daughter is freshly 18 and diagnosed with BPD. I found DBT therapy that can start in 3 weeks. She was living at home and started having strangers over in her room, smoking pot and drinking hard liquor, unprotected sex wanting to get pregnant to have a baby to love. Won't take her birth control.  I took the phone away that we pay for (she had 3 strikes and was fully warned). She was furious about that so asked to live with her aunt. Her aunt took her in, gave her a nice home environment and my daughter just left in the middle of the night to stay with a friend. She didn't leave a note or anything and left the door unlocked. The aunt feels so hurt. She went to go put a blanket in her room and my daughter was gone, and the aunt called me, hysterical. They had an agreement--dont leave without telling me and don't ever leave the door unlocked.  My daughter has since spoken with her by phone and she cannot go back. The trust was broken. So now she wants to come back home to me. I want my daughter. But (1) the household is so peaceful now and everyone's mood is better (2) based on past experiences (many many) I have no reason to believe she will follow the rules. What on earth do I do? She is at a friend's house right now. Someone she is not allowed to see while living here. She has only completed up to 12th grade.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Sancho]

I really feel for you in this situation. Such a dilemma. You seem to be able to draw some boundaries - eg the phone - but then she just looks elsewhere. I am wondering how you think the DBT will go? If you think there is a chance that it might be the beginning of some real help for your daughter, perhaps that would sway your decision about what to do? If she was home with you, there might be a greater chance that she could follow up on that program? She has finished year 12 so that is a positive and may be an indication she would be open to the DBT? Personally I think transition times are problematic - moving from school to the next step is huge so things may improve with the DBT and perhaps enrolment in a course, job opportunity etc? But such a difficult situation. Sending positive thoughts.

[20yearsHRS]

This may sound harsh unless you have read the book "When Your Daughter Has BPD: Essential Skills to Help Families Manage Borderline Personality Disorder".  And I"m no angel with this only having received the diagnosis for my d a year ago.  Selective support is required.  Based on what I read here, do not let her back home or you may never get her to leave.  Suggestions:  Provide rent for an apartment based only on a strict set of guidelines - She has to show proof she is going to therapy, taking medications, working a job, etc.