Tough Night - Feeling So Emotionally Exhausted

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Hi all,

I guess I'm just kind of in need of support and to vent a little bit. Last night with my BPD partner was really tough.

He is very recently identified as having BPD and we are currently undergoing couples counselling for long term issues, many of which (but not all) are related to his condition and how it effects his perceptions and behaviour.

I tried to bring up the issue of intimacy. I picked a moment when he seemed relaxed and calm so as to not make any heightened emotions worse. Basically, I feel as though he periodically decides to 'gatekeep' physical affection in the relationship. So at any given time his attitude to intimacy can range from it being completely fine to getting extremely angry if I try to initiate anything. I'm never quite sure what I'm going to get but at these times he behaves almost as though I am an abuser and says I am 'grooming' him. It's very confusing and hurtful and rejecting when all I want is for this important aspect of the relationship not to be neglected and to be close with him.

He stormed out and after a couple of hours leaving him to cool down I approached to see how he was. He immediately snapped at me because I turned the light on but the room was dark and the door half open and I was worried he had gone out in the car without me hearing and was suicidal. I explained this and he seemed to partially accept it but then proceeded to talk about things for hours in a way that to me showed a lot of distorted thinking.

He was saying that nobody cares for him or makes any effort. Even going so far as to say our 11 year old daughter "doesn't give a **** as long as she's getting what she wants.". He said the whole world is corrupt and he is the only who can see people for what they are. He rubbished the fact that his sister and I have been there for him by saying the only reason we have been supportive is to keep him around so we can get something we want from him.

Eventually I convinced him to come to bed and rest, thinking time and a sleep might give him some perspective but he woke up this morning behaving strangely and when I asked what's wrong he said the same thing as yesterday in a very snappy way.

I'm a bit at the end of my tether. I don't know what to do anymore. It's his birthday tomorrow and his sister and I have planned a big surprise and I've gone to a lot of effort organising activities, food, a cake etc. It feels as though I'm putting so much in and feeling very little appreciation from him. I'm so tired after 13 years together from all this.

[LittleMissQuirky]

Hi all,

I guess I'm just kind of in need of support and to vent a little bit. Last night with my BPD partner was really tough.

He is very recently identified as having BPD and we are currently undergoing couples counselling for long term issues, many of which (but not all) are related to his condition and how it effects his perceptions and behaviour.

I tried to bring up the issue of intimacy. I picked a moment when he seemed relaxed and calm so as to not make any heightened emotions worse. Basically, I feel as though he periodically decides to 'gatekeep' physical affection in the relationship. So at any given time his attitude to intimacy can range from it being completely fine to getting extremely angry if I try to initiate anything. I'm never quite sure what I'm going to get but at these times he behaves almost as though I am an abuser and says I am 'grooming' him. It's very confusing and hurtful and rejecting when all I want is for this important aspect of the relationship not to be neglected and to be close with him.

He stormed out and after a couple of hours leaving him to cool down I approached to see how he was. He immediately snapped at me because I turned the light on but the room was dark and the door half open and I was worried he had gone out in the car without me hearing and was suicidal. I explained this and he seemed to partially accept it but then proceeded to talk about things for hours in a way that to me showed a lot of distorted thinking.

He was saying that nobody cares for him or makes any effort. Even going so far as to say our 11 year old daughter "doesn't give a **** as long as she's getting what she wants.". He said the whole world is corrupt and he is the only who can see people for what they are. He rubbished the fact that his sister and I have been there for him by saying the only reason we have been supportive is to keep him around so we can get something we want from him.

Eventually I convinced him to come to bed and rest, thinking time and a sleep might give him some perspective but he woke up this morning behaving strangely and when I asked what's wrong he said the same thing as yesterday in a very snappy way.

I'm a bit at the end of my tether. I don't know what to do anymore. It's his birthday tomorrow and his sister and I have planned a big surprise and I've gone to a lot of effort organising activities, food, a cake etc. It feels as though I'm putting so much in and feeling very little appreciation from him. I'm so tired after 13 years together from all this.

[ladygrace]

Bless you little miss quirky

How have you persevered for all those years?
You’re a better person than me.

Do you always manage to stay calm and collected?
It seems very unfair that you get nothing in return.
Just thrown back in your face.

Sounds so exhausting. Maybe now he identifies  with having it you might see some improvement. He must love you.

Stay strong and do something YOU love.

[LittleMissQuirky]

Bless you little miss quirky

How have you persevered for all those years?
You’re a better person than me.

Do you always manage to stay calm and collected?
It seems very unfair that you get nothing in return.
Just thrown back in your face.

Sounds so exhausting. Maybe now he identifies  with having it you might see some improvement. He must love you.

Stay strong and do something YOU love.

Thanks so much for your reply. It has been tough. I'm hoping he is now on the right path to get help that will actually make a difference.

I do tend to stay calm and collected, yes. Not saying that in any kind of smug way. It's just how I've always been, I'm quite placid. Sometimes though he gets annoyed at that, like he wants me to shout back. I think it makes him feel bad seeing me keep my cool when for him that seems impossible. But I'm not doing it on purpose to get to him. I'm just being myself and if we both blew up that would probably make things even worse.

Thanks again for your kind words.

[ladygrace]

You’re welcome

I think if you wasn’t quiet and placid it would of ended along time ago.

I can see how this might aggravate some people. I find it hard to react sometimes. I think my staple look is baffled most of the time.