Need Support

[faithMmountains]

Hi. This is my first post. I don't feel that comfortable writing too much online, but since this COVID thing I cannot find groups to go to anywhere, so here I am.

I desperately need to find support and people to talk to...I am dealing with someone who most assuredly has BPD and most likely Bipolar too...I have been dealing with it mostly on my own and I cannot handle it anymore.

I need help. If anyone on here can message me and I can talk to someone, etc. that would be really helpful. I can't do this on my own anymore; it is over the top.

[Harri]

Hi and welcome!

You are in the right place to get support from people who get it.  All of us here are dealing with a family member with BPD so you are in good company.

COVID has certainly complicated things for a lot of people.  Can you tell us what sort of problems and challenges you are dealing with that brought you here?

In terms of comfort of posting, I can assure you that we are secure and that as long as you are using a user name that is not known or associated with you, the chances of you being found are next to nil.  Our stories are often so similar that the group provides excellent cover.  We encourage people to post on the main boards to keep everything transparent and to ensure that you are getting the wide scope of support that is so essential.   

Anyway, I hope to hear more from you soon.  In the meantime, read some of the articles tacked to the top of the page and the other threads and please feel free to jump in.  We really do get it here.

[PearlsBefore]

Per writing online, avoid using your pwBPD's actual name, everybody here just refers to "my D21" (21-year old daughter") or "my xW" (ex-wife) or "my f83" (father, 83 years old), etc. I also advise changing the dates a little bit for anonymity - claim your daughter is 20 not 21 or your father is 85 not 83, etc. (but age-ranges are important because often we can't tell whether to give advice about a 15-year old or a 35-year old). Similarly, don't use the names of the hospitals or the city to which she's most recently run off with her new archvillain/bestfriend.

That said, welcome - we're simultaneously glad and sad to see you here. FYI this place is "safer" than some other BPD hangouts on the web because they keep it limited to the family and caretakers of BPD...not to the BPD patients themselves. (Reddit's r/lovedonesofBPD or whatever was absolutely horrible - half the users were pretty obvious BPD cases ranting and projecting onto their partners).

We do run the gamut, there are some people here who have a loved one that society doesn't even realise is BPD because they are high-functioning and keep their mask in-place when in the public eye...and there are those of us who get sympathetic nods when offduty paramedics or police recognise us in the grocery lineup. Almost everyone here knows the PTSD symptoms that arise when the phone rings at 2am, or the heart palpitations before opening a door, etc.

So the first question, since you bring up Covid, might be whether you're sharing a residence with your personWithBPD - because that can definitely add to the stresses being in such close quarters without outside intervention.

In my case, my pwBPD actually eventually calmed down because she didn't "have an audience" and only half her symptoms remained (she was still violent for example, but she was actually much better at taking her medication and some arguments like the need to bathe regularly were able to be abandoned while we were in isolation). The trouble flared up again as soon as I could take her to a hospital and she remembered how much she liked having an "audience" for her theatrical meltdowns though - so that's my struggle currently.

[faithMmountains]

Hi! Thank you guys for responding and for the kind words of support and also for the helpful tips as well...I really appreciate it.

I am living with my pwBPD and I have been for quite some time now. They are a loved one and they are considered family to me. Female, 50-54 range.

The guilt is really working me here, especially doing this online...it is massive. I have not gotten the support that I have needed because of many varying factors; one of them being the fact that felt like I was betraying her and that I needed to protect her at all costs. Instead, I ended up not protecting myself. I have diagnosed this with her for years and it may also be Bipolar mixed in too...I don't know...the symptoms all seem to blend together, but it is about 100% BPD.

I have diagnosed it with her for years. I was the first one to call her on all of the behavior; help her to get the help that she needed (or that I thought was actually helping), be her caretaker: help her with medications, eating healthy, sleep habits, exercise, meditations, prayer, cleaning up, organizing, taking care of possessions, communicating, being creative, boundaries, work, family, relationships, business, rental, etc. etc. I called out many of the behavior patterns with her, before I ever even opened a book explaining the mental illness. Her family coddled her at every turn and as a result she never really had much growth.

The mask wearing goes on and on and is always perceived as being the most likeable, altruistic person to everyone, yet as I have stated repeatedly then the people that she loves get torn to shreds. Behind closed doors it is another story entirely. I tend to come off as Bad Cop because I have always been the one in here having to deal with the histrionic meltdowns and having to protect and do clean up. The mental states go up and down, in and out. I tend to get the apology tour pretty frequently. Her family and friends support her no matter what she does, so I always feel alone. There are maybe 1, or 2 other people who have been honest with her about certain aspects of it, but not to the degree that I have. I have helped her make huge, positive changes to her behaviors and I have seen a difference in many ways too.

I saw a radical shift in the mental illness and BPD behaviors in the last 6 months. The new medications got adjusted correctly and the therapy was helping, although the therapist is not addressing her BPD and or Bipolar at all and she runs around telling me that she has ADD and just depression and that is why she does all of this stuff. She does not want to face it at all. Once, or twice she has even accepted the idea, but usually I just get totally annihilated if I even suggest the disorders. I believe that faith and prayer can heal many illnesses too and I have wholeheartedly engaged in these practices and she has as well. I have seen miracles in my own life and I know that they can happen for other people too.

Many times whenever the medication gets shifted, or she takes something weird it kicks off a horrendous psychotic state. That tends to be a marker for me about when she is really acting off and unbalanced mentally. So, I always ask her and I have asked her repeatedly to always tell me whenever she makes any shift in any one of her medications, or takes anything foreign too. Because I live with her and I am directly affected by it. And also because I am her caretaker really. I usually always call it correctly...no one in her family, or friends knows what is happening...she gets a look in her eye...it isn't good...

The most recent time was one of the worst psychotic breaks that she has had. I asked her to do something related to house stuff, which I usually do, but this time she heard it wrong (which she refers to as distorted thinking) and she started aggressively arguing with me and would not stop. I ended the conversation and said that I had to leave and finish work. I went into the kitchen and she followed me in, yelling at me. She got in my face and grabbed me by the arms and shook me, yelling at me. I told her to stop and I tried to get away from her by going down the stairs. She came running after me. I went through the sliding door and locked it. She was threatening me and yelling at me through the door. I was panicked and telling her that she was not coming in until it was safe for me and she was under control. She was telling me to call the police and taunting me, like go ahead and try it. Then she alternated between saying that she was sorry to manipulate me into opening the door. Then when that didn't work she kept telling me to open the door and she kept trying to break it open. She was banging on it repeatedly. She finally broke it open. I was scared and I went out the back sliding door and tried to call someone. She proceeded to lock me out of my house.

It was a total nightmare. Just writing about it makes me feel sick to my stomach. I don't know if I can do this anymore. The hangover from one of these things is horrendous. Especially if you grew up being traumatized.

Then it goes on like nothing happened. Lalalalala. She is laughing and talking to people like it's Christmas. And I sit here seething. Rise above, move on. Next.

[PearlsBefore]

I'm sure every case is different, especially if there is co-morbidity with something like Bipolar; but do certainly keep in mind that Borderline is thus named because researchers were unable to agree whether it fell on the "Neurotic" category scale or the "Psychotic" category scale - so to see some psychosis showing through the veneer might still just be Borderline rather that Bipolar of course.

If she's able to hide it from her family and friends, it's what we typically call "high-functioning BPD" even if they appear low-functioning when in their safe-to-be-destructive environment. Personally, without medical citations at all, I'm not convinced that the "high functioning" ones aren't actually just the ones for whom narcissism or ASPD are more prevalent so they actually care enough about others' opinions to rein in their...self-expression.

Obviously I'm not a doctor, but for what it's worth my main pwBPD and a secondary pwBPD both used Alprazolam/Xanax for many years without it ever having acute negative effects (other than of course, OD attempts, etc) - so it remains my most trusted Rx in the medicine cabinet whereas I saw some of that "psychosis peeking through" with Escitalopram/Cipralex and Lorazepam/Ativan. I think doctors are more hesitant to prescribe Alprazolam because it's a benzo which is one rung below opiates in the current pharmAbuse pandemic...but it's just something to keep in mind.

As my username suggests, akin to your own, faith and prayer are going to be your "safe space" - seek refuge, don't abandon hope but neither waste your pearls if they will only be trampled by swine.  

[faithMmountains]

Hi:-) Thank you:-)

That is a good point  All of the disorders have so many common symptoms and seem to run together; gets overwhelming/

She isn't able to hide it from certain family/friends...she does hide it from outside friends, etc.

These certain family members/friends coddled her, were scared and just let her do whatever/whenever; they did not know how to diagnose it, or were just ignorant about what was going on, or too sick themselves, as that co-dependent thing goes...she seems high functioning and low functioning; mixed.

Think she was on the Ativan for a long time and got off of it.

Funny, I had that saying on my wall for a while...until I got called out about it and then felt guilty    It is one of my favorites, to be sure, as it has no doubt been a pattern that I have been trying so hard to break.

I love her and she is family to me; there is nothing that I would not do for her...she has a good heart and she is my favorite person when she is not acting out of her mind and doing horrendous things to me. But, that is also how I get sucked back in every time too...and the cycle goes on and on.

I am just drained and I am absolutely exhausted; I am at the end, (literally)I believe. I cannot take the pressure of the end of the world, waiting for the AntiChrist and being abused at the same time...I mean, I want to protect her from what is coming down the line here, but at the same time I cannot do that if I am continually being the whipping post and am drained of my resources too