an impossible decision

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

i got married--not knowing i married a bpd/narcissist. had 2 little girls.
went thru 7 yrs of divorce--with multiple attorneys who said "they understood borderlines" & can help the situation.
i spent outrageous amts of $ and i (& my girls) had to live thru all the nightmares you read about living with a bpd.
currently, due to covid..my x wife now has kept the girls away from me for 4 months--i get a 30 second call at night: "hi daddy-by daddy"..on a good night i get: hi daddy i'm swimming-cant talk, hi daddy i'm watching tv-cant talk, hi daddy i'm walking-cant talk.        i did get two walks around the block in last 4 months..with mom trailing behind us!

 i'm ready to walk away-its exhausted me--she can have the girls (age 8&11)..these 7 yrs (we were in 2-2-5) + now not spending any time with girls-4 months..girls are like strangers to me. there is just NO RELATEDNESS. they saw me for  walk because mom forces this (for court purposes i'm sure). they have no interest in me.

my query: i finally met an attorney who does understand bpd. does have game plan. clearly told me to prepare for another 1+ yr fight --i just don't think i have it in me/emotionally,psychologically for more confrontation especially in a court system where i keep losing.<<my experience is court can't see bpd activities.  the kids have settled into a life with mom (& boyfriend)..of course girls call him dad/made him fathers day cake--i got nothing...etc...they got a life & now im going to rip them away from that life into more battles/psych examinations with no guarantee of winning full custody (x has financial resources & did find sleazy equivalent lawyer to do her bidding)...if mom/x is in the picture the parent targeting/alienation will continue.

need to decide to stay in and fight or go have a life outside this 'destructive arena' ? 

[atlas shrugging]

i got married--not knowing i married a bpd/narcissist. had 2 little girls.
went thru 7 yrs of divorce--with multiple attorneys who said "they understood borderlines" & can help the situation.
i spent outrageous amts of $ and i (& my girls) had to live thru all the nightmares you read about living with a bpd.
currently, due to covid..my x wife now has kept the girls away from me for 4 months--i get a 30 second call at night: "hi daddy-by daddy"..on a good night i get: hi daddy i'm swimming-cant talk, hi daddy i'm watching tv-cant talk, hi daddy i'm walking-cant talk.        i did get two walks around the block in last 4 months..with mom trailing behind us!

 i'm ready to walk away-its exhausted me--she can have the girls (age 8&11)..these 7 yrs (we were in 2-2-5) + now not spending any time with girls-4 months..girls are like strangers to me. there is just NO RELATEDNESS. they saw me for  walk because mom forces this (for court purposes i'm sure). they have no interest in me.

my query: i finally met an attorney who does understand bpd. does have game plan. clearly told me to prepare for another 1+ yr fight --i just don't think i have it in me/emotionally,psychologically for more confrontation especially in a court system where i keep losing.<<my experience is court can't see bpd activities.  the kids have settled into a life with mom (& boyfriend)..of course girls call him dad/made him fathers day cake--i got nothing...etc...they got a life & now im going to rip them away from that life into more battles/psych examinations with no guarantee of winning full custody (x has financial resources & did find sleazy equivalent lawyer to do her bidding)...if mom/x is in the picture the parent targeting/alienation will continue.

need to decide to stay in and fight or go have a life outside this 'destructive arena' ? 

[ForeverDad]

Could it be that the girls have been told repeatedly that you left them — abandoned them — and don't care about them?  It is disheartening how extreme the emotional lies can be.  If this is happening, whether in your hearing or not, then no wonder the kids are behaving that way.

That 2-2-5 schedule is what I had for many years.  If you have equal time but she's not permitting it then you need court to enforce the schedule.  If permitted to continue then ex will probably claim you didn't care to see them and now the kids don't want you.  (That's wrong, court should state that the kids don't decide the schedule.)

I recall, probably when I was supposed to be leaving to work, when my son was about 2 or maybe 3 years old she emphatically insisted to him, "Daddy no te quiere pero mommy te quiere!"
Translation: "Daddy doesn't love you but mommy loves you."

[zachira]

I am sad you are going through this. The fact that you have written to us makes me think you do not want to give up your daughters; it is just so overwhelming to have to deal with a very disordered ex when you have young children. My mother had BPD with strong narcissistic tendencies; my father along with other caring kind relatives and friends made big differences in my life then and forever. Your children are at an age in which they could be brainwashed by their mother into wanting nothing to do with you forever, better known as parent alienation. You are very important in the lives of your daughters. "Divorce Poison" is a very informative book on how to deal with parent alienation. Let us know how we can be the most helpful. There are many knowledgeable parents on this site who have children with an ex similar to yours, and here to help you in any ways they can.

[livednlearned]

Oof. 7 years of fighting in court with no good outcome. That sounds awful. No wonder you are exhausted.

What do you feel would be different about this next go-round with this new L? Is there something that the previous Ls did that you learned didn't work?

It sounds like your ex was able to get full custody...?

[defogging]

atlas shrugging (great user name BTW, love that book!) - You're still in the game, please DON'T walk away.  Your kids are being manipulated and need you, and the more you are willing to stay in the fight, the better future they have.

Everything FD said rings true to me, and I would imagine every bit of that is happening in your situation.  Parental alienation is nasty, and PDs will stop at nothing to turn you into the bad guy.  My ex was turning the kids against me prior to divorcing, and still tries, fortunately I've been able to turn that around. 

When I was in the throes of divorcing my exPDw I found inspiration in some people and videos I found.  I'm going to suggest one to you.  Look up "Jocko Good" on YouTube.  Jocko Willink is a former Navy Seal that has a podcast and gives incredible common sense advice.  Listening to podcasts and videos like this gave me a lot of drive, and reminded me of what my mission was - to develop healthy little human beings and set them forward on a positive path.

I wish you the best of luck.  Keep posting, there is infinite wisdom from the members of this site, and you are definitely not alone in dealing with this.

[Crispy Waffle]

Atlas, I'm brand new here, so maybe this is the blind leading the blind, but...

These are your kids. YOUR kids. As someone that lost their dad at 3 (car crash) I can tell you your girls need you. The fact that your wife has BPD is all the more reason, assuming you have your sh!t squared away (and that isn't said with any judgement). I'm lucky in that my kids are teens and have more agency, and my BPD ex wife is very high functioning and so far things haven't gone totally off the rails. But her nonsense made me realize that I need to be the very best person I can be, specifically to be the model for my kids. I have to model the man that I want my girls to seek out in their future relationships. Your girls are young and have probably been heavily manipulated. There's time for you to rebuild that relationship with them.

Have you had family counseling? The court should be able to recognize the damaging behavior she is engaging in. A conflict-ridden divorce with the kids placed in the middle is the most damaging of all scenarios. Try to find a way to make the court realize your wife is the one that is creating that kind of turmoil and damage to the kids. Your kids deserve it and need you.

[GaGrl]

I have a few questions that could turn into possibilities for future actions...

In your custody dealings, so far, have you requested...

1) A custody evaluation, to include a psychological evaluation with an MMPI test?

2) Appointment of a GAL (guardian ad litem), a lawyer to represent your children's interest

3) Request for a parenting coordinator to help resolve parenting conflicts without going to court

[livednlearned]

need to decide to stay in and fight or go have a life outside this 'destructive arena' ? 

One of the effects of being in a disordered relationship is that you start to think there are only two choices. Black/white. Good/bad. Win/lose.

When you start to heal you realize there are thousands of choices, there is more grey than black/white. In fact, black/white is rare.

For me, I just looked for moments when I had strength, then pushed forward.

Focus on now.

You have friends here -- complete strangers -- willing to walk alongside you and help. Other surprises will appear.

It won't be easy, and it could be the fight of your life. It may also become the source of your strength, a surprise that no one will tell you except people who have been through it.

Be kind to yourself and learn to truly take care of yourself.

You deserve it.

LnL