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Author Topic: Just doing nothing this time.  (Read 371 times)
Goosey
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Relationship status: Divorcing
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« on: August 16, 2020, 07:52:52 PM »

I’m in divorce proceedings after many years of turmoil.
N/c with my wife whom I suspect has BPd. I’m not privy to that.
  Anyway it has been quiet. I just try to assume she is well and safe and no matter who or what she is doing I want the best for her.
   Anyway today was a hard day. I had to get my daughter to take me to emergency room because I am an idiot and screwed up my eye by not taking care of myself. Painful but I’ll live. So my daughter was allowed into the exam room  and I got a doctor scaring the crap out of me looking into my eye with some bright light thing and the texts start on my daughters phone. They are from a guy whom is living  in my wife’s apartment with his child.  My daughter knows him and that info because she has taken care of the dogs there on occasion.
Anyway seems there was an altercation last Friday night. The police where called and he is out on the street and just wanted to tell my daughter that my wife’s mental health is getting worse and there is  drug use and alcohol and multiple sex partners etc and she is dangerous etc etc. Well me and my daughter already know she is dangerous. But my mirage of her being ok is again shaken.
  The wheels start turning in my head on how can we “intervene” to save her and I should reach out to her family and.......  then it slowly crept into my head.  I am not wanted by her and I will just be dragged right back into it for nothing.
The Triangle starts up again.
   I can just feel the edges of selfishness. Like I should be running to rescue her. But I won’t. I did that for two decades.
   I have to stay away not only for my own sanity (and my daughters) but also to get this damn divorce finalized.
  Because truthfully once I’m financially and legally free of her i would be more aggressive in trying to get her help. I’m over loving her and wanting to be with her physically but she is a human being who desperately needs intensive help.
  She is going to hurt someone.
     But here I sit with one good eye and type this. I am not doing anything. I’ll worry and be sad about it. That’s all.
 
 
 
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Lucky Jim
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« Reply #1 on: August 17, 2020, 09:56:00 AM »

Hey Goosey,  I would describe your approach as declining to participate in the drama, rather than as "doing nothing."  Staying above the fray, in my view, is a wise strategy.  Sure, you get the urge to rescue, but so far you are resisting the need to react.  In my experience, "helping" a pwBPD is often unhealthy, if not unhelpful, for the pwBPD as well as for the "Helper," because it allows both parties to avoid taking responsibility for their own actions.  Let the chips fall, I suggest, as you are doing.

LuckyJim
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    A life spent making mistakes is not only more honorable, but more useful than a life spent doing nothing.
George Bernard Shaw
FindingMe2011
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« Reply #2 on: August 17, 2020, 10:16:48 AM »

I can just feel the edges of selfishness. Like I should be running to rescue her. But I won’t. I did that for two decades.

You are becoming more self aware. You will probably find this was going on for more than 2 decades. It appears you are putting names to emotions, that maybe before felt as your normal, to some degree, with no name.

The Triangle starts up again.
   I can just feel the edges of selfishness.


Appears spot on from here. Understanding is first. Implementing them, then becomes the task. Its harder than understanding them. So when/if you should falter, know this is the process. Be kind and forgiving to you, as you do for others.

[ and.......  then it slowly crept into my head.  I am not wanted by her and I will just be dragged right back into it for nothing.

With persistence, this we become reversed. You will see things for what they are, then the rescuer in you, will only have a small voice. But rest assure its not for nothing, the illness needs hosts and there are never too many.

I’ll worry and be sad about it. That’s all.

Because it is really sad and the fact you truly cant save her doesnt help much right now either. But it is the kind and forgiving thing to do, for both, especially you. Its time for you to heal in a healthy way. Its also up to her, to choose a path. Im thinking yours will lead to more peace. I wish you well, Peace

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BuildingFromScratch
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« Reply #3 on: August 17, 2020, 02:06:26 PM »

There's a time for tough love, there's a time to accept your own limitations, there's a time to accept that in some situations you can't help. She's responsible for her own life, you're responsible for your own. Often times when we aren't very close to people our influence on their life choices aren't very great. And with a person with BPD, often times even if you're close to them, you can't do much. It sucks and it might be really hard to watch someone we love make such poor choices, but that's their choices to make, and the truth is until a person with BPD wants to truly help themselves and get better, they won't get better.
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Goosey
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Relationship status: Divorcing
Posts: 154


« Reply #4 on: August 18, 2020, 08:55:05 AM »

Damn this is hard. I shouldn’t post.
  I haven’t done anything still but waste my days thinking about her. So hard not to worry.
  Just dialed my T but hung up before leaving message.
  Trying to work but just shaking my head in befuddlement.
The part I left about in this lasted twist I also learned she is on “tinder”. I know what that is I just don’t do social sites. Of course I had someone look and yup there she is and includes a pic of her body in a bikini. I’m just stunned. And hurt. Why should I be hurt? I filed for divorce. I’m so concerned but I know there is nothing I can do. I have to keep focused on doing nothing. I know it’s the illness and she is not well and I know I can’t do anything to help.  I tried i tried I begged I am torn to pieces because of this all but I just have that glimmer of reality that I can’t go back to it. Damn.
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Goosey
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Relationship status: Divorcing
Posts: 154


« Reply #5 on: August 18, 2020, 09:32:09 AM »

Just reread the responses above my last post.
All correct. All helpful. My apologies for my redundancy,  just hits like a wave sometimes. Gonna take time.
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Beth2468

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Relationship status: Recently broken up
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« Reply #6 on: August 18, 2020, 10:44:28 AM »

Just reread the responses above my last post.
All correct. All helpful. My apologies for my redundancy,  just hits like a wave sometimes. Gonna take time.

You don't need to apologise, you are allowed to vent/rant whatever on here  Smiling (click to insert in post)
You are so right that it hits like a wave, I saw a post once about grief coming in waves, and sent it to a bereaved friend who found it helpful.
I hope that the tide turns for you soon.   
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brighter future
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« Reply #7 on: August 18, 2020, 11:34:29 AM »

Goosey,

I've read your posts since I showed up here close to two months ago. I don't think I've replied until now, but please know that I'm thinking about you. As BFS stated above, you've got to learn to take care of yourself and accept that she's the only one that can help herself.

I can identify with your feelings because it is also painful for me to sit here and watch my uBPD ex-g/f self destruct with other men, gain massive amounts of weight, ignore her children's issues, and be a terrible example for her children. I'm slowly accepting each day that I can no longer own her issues. All I can do is pray for her and the children that something changes for the better in their lives. I have to take care of myself and my own child first and foremost.

Best wishes to you for better times around the corner.  Smiling (click to insert in post)
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Goosey
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Relationship status: Divorcing
Posts: 154


« Reply #8 on: August 18, 2020, 07:48:44 PM »

Spent the day with my daughter.
Had to get her car in the shop and she drove me to eye doctor for exam and to order glasses. I’m sidelined fro a couple more days. In The old days nothing would stop me from working know I treat an eye injury as a vacation.
  Anyway my daughter and I talked in length today about the whole mess. It’s hard not to when we are alone together. She is 21 now. She is so pissed at her mom. But then we come home and she talked with my neighbor who stopped by and her girlfriend who is staying here for a week or two and it’s about other stuff. I just sat and listened and enjoyed it. I just don’t have the banter in me anymore to engage too much. I will snap out of this for the cement wall reason. I have to for economic survival.
I have been brainwashed for “The other shoe to fall” for so long that I don’t know what to do with “calm”. 
So I am spending my time imagining what is going on with my wife. Which besides the latest third party outreach I have no idea.
   I need the “flashy thing” in “men in black”
Gotta move on.
  Did talk with my T on phone.  It was just that reinforcement of acceptance.
  He is definitely chiding me about my treatment of my own well being.  The truth is I don’t give a damn about myself. I need to take care of another. To feel I am helping another.  There has always been someone to care for in my life. My mom from my father. My sisters from my father. My wife from her demons. Now I can only pay for the repairs on my remarkably functioning daughters car. I’m a bit lost without the role.
  If I was 35 I know I would be right back into a relationship. I’m 57 now. And my relationships where never me pursuing they just fell in my lap so to say. And I am absolutely such a bore with this all.  I wonder sometimes as I read posts of we are dramatizing just everyday relationship failures. Then I realize that’s the really really telling thought.  I’m normalizing it.
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Goosey
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Divorcing
Posts: 154


« Reply #9 on: August 18, 2020, 08:16:33 PM »

Ok just read a great posts on other thread about my dilemma

I definitely have my own issues (just stating  the obvious).
It’s up to me to climb out of this hole of now self pity. She is gone. No one is ranting at me. Am I hoping for it to start up again? No. Am I just wallowing because I fully expect it too? Yes.
Will she pop back into my life? Probably not. I only say that because there is too much “evidence”  with others of her behavior for her to gas light me. Facts are a stubborn thing. 
  Honestly think it’s over over. So tomorrow is another day.
Kicking myself in the ass. My sister is correct. I am programmed to the “crazy”. She actually use the word “addicted”.
  Good night all.
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FindingMe2011
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« Reply #10 on: August 18, 2020, 08:54:59 PM »

Damn this is hard. I shouldn’t post.

This is partly why you stayed in this r/s.  These feelings are yours and yours only. There is light at the end of the tunnel. These feelings will subside and I can relate. I spent 3 days curled up on the living room floor, between visits from my children after the break up.

The part I left about in this lasted twist I also learned she is on “tinder”. I know what that is I just don’t do social sites. Of course I had someone look and yup there she is and includes a pic of her body in a bikini. I’m just stunned. And hurt. Why should I be hurt?

This will set you back, yet seems to be very common. Sometimes we need to touch the stove a few times before we realize its hot. No social media and maybe now, no asking people to check on her. Boundaries for yourself, practice them enough they will become habit. Sometimes not what you feel but you KNOW its best.

I filed for divorce.

This will also fan the flames of emotions. The roller coaster hang on...... Good for you, a new start awaits. I was a much better father out of the r/s, than I ever could be, in the r/s.

I have to keep focused on doing nothing.

Maybe focus on doing something. Eat well, sleep as much as possible, and exercise whether you feel like it or not. Counter top push ups are easy, do a few. Blood flow will be helpful.

The truth is I don’t give a damn about myself. I need to take care of another.

It was put to me at one point. How can you truly take care of another, when you cant take care of yourself ? You cant, you dont know how......Not to say I wasnt doing my best, we all do. My best just became better. Something to look forward to. The same could be said of love, in my eyes.

It’s hard not to when we are alone together. She is 21 now. She is so pissed at her mom.

Does she have a T ?  There is always pain behind anger. Do they speak? Its OK to speak about it, just give other subjects just as much time. This would only be fair, no?  Nobody is too old to learn. I try to learn something every day.

My mom from my father. My sisters from my father. My wife from her demons.

Who cared for you as a child, it seems all are accounted for but you. Do you discuss your FOO with your T? This could also be helpful. The roller coaster ride isnt over, expect rough seas. I wish you well, Peace

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