Rough week so far

[alleyesonme]

This has been a really hard week, and I don't know where else to turn. While none of us know each other, we all have a lot in common, so I'm hoping you all can help.

I'm about 3 months into the divorce process, and strongly feel that it's best for my daughter to be with me as much as possible and with her mom as little as possible. Long story short, my STBex has been physically violent with me in our daughter's presence at least 20 times and has been extremely verbally abusive with me as well. She's also engaged in a lot of questionable behavior with our daughter (screaming at a baby, forcefully jerking her from one position to another, etc.) and exhibited awful judgment that directly caused our daughter to get somewhat seriously injured on one occasion and risked serious injury to her on several others.

There's no doubt in my mind that she has BPD, but she's never been officially diagnosed, just as is the case with most high-functioning BP's.

I'm genuinely concerned about my daughter spending even 50% of the time with my STBex, and have been pushing for us to be as assertive as possible. However, my L doesn't think I have a chance to get more than 50/50 due to the nature of our jurisdiction, because my STBex has never been arrested for child abuse, isn't operating a drug house with my daughter inside, etc. He thinks that everything my wife has done will be seen as "no big deal" in the eyes of the court.

Yesterday, my L informed me that he's very concerned that if I continue to push him to be more assertive, I'll end up with much less than a 50/50 split. On the other hand, he thinks that if I sit back and do very little to expose everything that my STBex has done and very likely will do in the future, then I have a great chance to resolve this with a 50/50 split.

Has anyone here ever fired their attorney midway through a divorce? If so, any tips you can offer?

My L offered to refer me to some more aggressive attorneys, but he warned me that they may not be well respected by the local court. I'm planning to arrange for some consultations with 2-3 more attorneys in the coming days just to get a feel for how accurate my L's legal advice may be.

I have no idea what to do right now. This is the most confusing, scary and stressful time of my life, and I know that there's a stigma against firing an attorney. That's especially so here because my L has a good reputation locally. The last thing I want is to risk getting an awful custody arrangement, but I also feel a duty to fight for my daughter's own good as hard as possible. I was initially prepared to take this all the way to trial, because that's the only way I'd ever get more than 50/50, but yesterday's meeting really has me worried about that strategy blowing up in my face.

[GaGrl]

Interviews with 2-3 more lawyers is definitely the way to go right now.

Is your wife diagnosed?

Is your current lawyer talking about a custody and psychological evaluation? That might be part of the conversations with the other lawyers.

[CoherentMoose]

Certainly interview potential new attorneys and see if any of them really click for you.  You should respect your current attorney's advice, but I find it difficult to believe that if there is a chance at physical harm you should not fight as hard as possible to limit visitation, or even work towards supervised visitation.  However, I'm guessing he's basing his decision on the documentation you have and how it would appear in court.  That is his rice-bowl.  Getting second and even third opinions on how the your documentation would appear in court is very appropriate.  No one should fault you for trying to protect your child.  Good luck.  jdc

[ForeverDad]

From where we are it's hard to say how good or not so good your lawyer is.  I've been in your shoes, more or less.  After two years in my divorce case I walked out with 50/50.  It wasn't long before I was back in court and got custody.  It wasn't long again and I got majority time during the school year.

However, midway through my divorce I felt my case was barely moving.  He was not inclined to buck the existing temp order that had Mother in charge.  My lawyer too named a few other lawyers he could recommend.  I recall getting an interview with one of the lawyers.  He was an old man and was the epitome of a cold fish.  Sorry, but that was my impression.  He also said he'd need $7500 retainer and he'd use most of it just to bring himself up to speed on the divorce.  I decided to stick with my lawyer.  He was a feisty guy, loved rubbing other lawyers the wrong way.  It seemed he wasn't helpful much but he phrased it as not wasting my money on issues that weren't critical in my divorce.  And believe me, there were lots of inequities in my divorce.  But he got me through it okay.

He was smart enough to get me the best possible Custody Evaluator, a child psychologist, and the court would never question his recommendation.  (So strange looking back, my L warned me that the CE could go against me.)  As it turned out his initial report favorably concluded, "Mother cannot share 'her' child but Father can."

[MeandThee29]

In my own attorney selection process and from what I've heard in my divorce support group, there seem to be two general kind of attorneys -- the type who are frank about the prospects and aim to get things done and the type who are more "wild cards" who will fight for anything you want but may or may not get that done. They want the other side and/or the judge to say no, not them. Needless to say, the judges and mediators prefer the former. The later can take up a lot of time and money with uncertain results although sometimes they are successful.

In my area 50/50 seems to be the norm on the first round in the vast majority of cases. Then with careful logs and a track record of behaviors, they go back and get the ratio shifted.

Certainly you should interview other attorneys. At the very least you'll come away with a broader perspective.

The longer I go post-divorce and as I hear other stories, the more I know that I picked the right one though. He was frank and reasonable and very easy to work with. In the end I got what he projected in the first interview. And that was all I really wanted. It just took a long time to get there (LOL).

[juju2]

Hi all.

Came back to check on you.

So.  My sister is in legal profession her entire life, paralegal.

To hear her talk nuts and bolts, it's disheartening.

Mutual friend, going thru divorce, it's like the court is not agile.
The court only acts AFTER something horrible.

I would believe your attorney.  I would interview other attorneys to get myself a reality check.  I would not ditch my attorney for simply sharing the disheartening state of our courts via a vis divorce, parenting.

The law, courts, divorce in America leaves a lot lacking. 

This is part of the reason my heart goes out to families...

My kids went thru a lot after the divorce.

And good thing for me I had no inkling of this.

I feel like prayer helps, more than I know.

All you can do is your best.

Sincerely

j

[ForeverDad]

Certainly you should interview other attorneys. At the very least you'll come away with a broader perspective.

Another reason we encourage a member to get multiple consultations with lawyers, besides deciding upon an experienced and proactive attorney, is to listen the to various strategies they've used in the past that could apply to your case.  Even if you stick with the current attorney, with those consultations you will have gotten a glimpse into the minds and strategies of other professionals.  That almost surely will help your perspective and confidence going forward.

[alleyesonme]

Interviews with 2-3 more lawyers is definitely the way to go right now.

Is your wife diagnosed?

Is your current lawyer talking about a custody and psychological evaluation? That might be part of the conversations with the other lawyers.

Thank you. I've had 2 consultations, and am considering having 1 or 2 more. I've learned a lot just in those 2.

No, she's been diagnosed with anxiety, is medicated and has had her dosage tripled over the last year. However, she's high functioning BPD, so she hasn't been diagnosed yet.

We currently have a GAL working on our case. I've been pushing for a psych eval, and that's been one of the sticking points between my L and I. He thinks we need to wait for the GAL's report to come back before resorting to a psych eval, but I think the GAL needs as much info as possible and it may be too late if we wait that long.

[alleyesonme]

Certainly interview potential new attorneys and see if any of them really click for you.  You should respect your current attorney's advice, but I find it difficult to believe that if there is a chance at physical harm you should not fight as hard as possible to limit visitation, or even work towards supervised visitation.  However, I'm guessing he's basing his decision on the documentation you have and how it would appear in court.  That is his rice-bowl.  Getting second and even third opinions on how the your documentation would appear in court is very appropriate.  No one should fault you for trying to protect your child.  Good luck.  jdc

Thank you. My thoughts exactly.

That's what makes this so confusing and stressful. I feel like it's my duty as a father to do what's best for our daughter, which is to present all of these facts to the court and let the court decide. But the thought of ending up with the Standard Order would be a nightmare.

[alleyesonme]

From where we are it's hard to say how good or not so good your lawyer is.  I've been in your shoes, more or less.  After two years in my divorce case I walked out with 50/50.  It wasn't long before I was back in court and got custody.  It wasn't long again and I got majority time during the school year.

However, midway through my divorce I felt my case was barely moving.  He was not inclined to buck the existing temp order that had Mother in charge.  My lawyer too named a few other lawyers he could recommend.  I recall getting an interview with one of the lawyers.  He was an old man and was the epitome of a cold fish.  Sorry, but that was my impression.  He also said he'd need $7500 retainer and he'd use most of it just to bring himself up to speed on the divorce.  I decided to stick with my lawyer.  He was a feisty guy, loved rubbing other lawyers the wrong way.  It seemed he wasn't helpful much but he phrased it as not wasting my money on issues that weren't critical in my divorce.  And believe me, there were lots of inequities in my divorce.  But he got me through it okay.

He was smart enough to get me the best possible Custody Evaluator, a child psychologist, and the court would never question his recommendation.  (So strange looking back, my L warned me that the CE could go against me.)  As it turned out his initial report favorably concluded, "Mother cannot share 'her' child but Father can."

Thank you for the support and info. So glad to hear that you made the right choice and it turned out so well for you. I hope that happens here too!

This may be a stupid question, but is there a difference between a Custody Evaluator and a GAL? I asked that question early in the process, and my L said it's the same thing, but I'm beginning to wonder if that's really the case.

[alleyesonme]

In my own attorney selection process and from what I've heard in my divorce support group, there seem to be two general kind of attorneys -- the type who are frank about the prospects and aim to get things done and the type who are more "wild cards" who will fight for anything you want but may or may not get that done. They want the other side and/or the judge to say no, not them. Needless to say, the judges and mediators prefer the former. The later can take up a lot of time and money with uncertain results although sometimes they are successful.

In my area 50/50 seems to be the norm on the first round in the vast majority of cases. Then with careful logs and a track record of behaviors, they go back and get the ratio shifted.

Certainly you should interview other attorneys. At the very least you'll come away with a broader perspective.

The longer I go post-divorce and as I hear other stories, the more I know that I picked the right one though. He was frank and reasonable and very easy to work with. In the end I got what he projected in the first interview. And that was all I really wanted. It just took a long time to get there (LOL).

Thank you for the info and the feedback. From what you've heard, is 50/50 the norm in your jurisdiction even in cases where the child is as young as mine (2 years old)?

[alleyesonme]

Hi all.

Came back to check on you.

So.  My sister is in legal profession her entire life, paralegal.

To hear her talk nuts and bolts, it's disheartening.

Mutual friend, going thru divorce, it's like the court is not agile.
The court only acts AFTER something horrible.

I would believe your attorney.  I would interview other attorneys to get myself a reality check.  I would not ditch my attorney for simply sharing the disheartening state of our courts via a vis divorce, parenting.

The law, courts, divorce in America leaves a lot lacking. 

This is part of the reason my heart goes out to families...

My kids went thru a lot after the divorce.

And good thing for me I had no inkling of this.

I feel like prayer helps, more than I know.

All you can do is your best.

Sincerely

j

As always, thank you for your support. You've been awesome. I hope you're doing well.

The legal system can certainly be confusing, unfair and stressful. It's not a good feeling to have my fate in the system's hands like this.

[alleyesonme]

Another reason we encourage a member to get multiple consultations with lawyers, besides deciding upon an experienced and proactive attorney, is to listen the to various strategies they've used in the past that could apply to your case.  Even if you stick with the current attorney, with those consultations you will have gotten a glimpse into the minds and strategies of other professionals.  That almost surely will help your perspective and confidence going forward.

Very good point - thank you!

[Jeronimo]

Hi,
 I'm in a similar boat, just a little further ahead than you, and I also believe that 50/50 split is not enough to offset the negative impacts a BPD parent will have on the kids.  I had to accept a few facts before I realized that 50/50 for now is probably a win for now.  Looking back at my STBX family history, her father and mother also had 50/50 when they divorced, but mother over time showed her dysfunction, and father eventually got sole custody.
Most lawyers/courts see a father getting 50/50 as a win for the father, no one realizes it's a loss for the kids.
Hang in there!

[ForeverDad]

In my area the norm is one parent in charge (though with joint custody unless merited otherwise) and with majority time.  Generally that's mother.  Our Custody evaluator, was a child psychologist and his initial report's recommendation was to try 50/50 but if Shared Parenting failed then I should get custody.  (It did fail and I went back to seek custody and majority time, though it took a few more years.  If I had female parts I'm pretty sure I would have gotten a good order from the start.)

The following is a generalization.  Some states and local courts may vary.

Guardian ad Litem - usually a lawyer, hopefully with more than a few training sessions on child related issues.  Important to choose one who is less gullible to the stbEx's convincing  posturing and claims.

Custody Evaluator - Better than a Psych Eval because most PEs are a cursory overview and don't drill into how those mental states impact the parenting.  Also, a CE usually includes a PE, plus sessions with each parent and the children.  The CE should be focused on how best to aid the children to live functional and healthy lives.  In our cases that means despite the impact of a potentially disordered parent.

When the idea of a psych eval is mentioned in the early stages of separation or divorce, understand it is often of limited benefit.  If it succeeds.  My spouse and I were ordered to have one.  I complied.  To this day nearly 15 years later I still don't know whether she took her psych eval.  That was one of my first lessons.  Never comply with submission of results until the other parent also complies.  My lawyer should have informed her lawyer, "My client has completed his required testing.  We are ready to exchange results."

Understand that most courts and the other professionals around the courts avoid diagnosing a mental health concern unless one has already been diagnosed.  Instead they focus on the documented behaviors - poor ones of the Ex and to a lesser extent good ones of you.  That's where you come in, it's up to you to report the problems.  Don't hide the Ex's misbehaviors and poor patterns.  Likewise, if your mistakes of the past are brought up (predictably by the Ex of course) be sure you clarify how you've corrected and addressed those issues going forward.  Are you keeping a log, journal or calendar on past and current incidents?  Claims such as "she always..." or "he always..." are vague and likely to be ignored as unsupported hearsay.  Specific details of when, where, witnesses,etc will make your information more credible.

[alleyesonme]

Hi,
 I'm in a similar boat, just a little further ahead than you, and I also believe that 50/50 split is not enough to offset the negative impacts a BPD parent will have on the kids.  I had to accept a few facts before I realized that 50/50 for now is probably a win for now.  Looking back at my STBX family history, her father and mother also had 50/50 when they divorced, but mother over time showed her dysfunction, and father eventually got sole custody.
Most lawyers/courts see a father getting 50/50 as a win for the father, no one realizes it's a loss for the kids.
Hang in there!

Couldn't have said it better myself - lawyers and courts see a father getting 50/50 as a win for me, but no one realizes that it's a loss for the kids.

Sounds like you're going with the 50/50 approach. If you don't mind me asking, which factor(s) led you to that decision?

I need to decide whether or not to go all out to maximize the amount of custody I get but potentially risk getting much less than 50/50, or play it safe and make sure that I don't get anything more or less than 50/50. Very tough decision to make when I know what's best for my daughter, but I also fear ending up with a much worse result.

[alleyesonme]

In my area the norm is one parent in charge (though with joint custody unless merited otherwise) and with majority time.  Generally that's mother.  Our Custody evaluator, was a child psychologist and his initial report's recommendation was to try 50/50 but if Shared Parenting failed then I should get custody.  (It did fail and I went back to seek custody and majority time, though it took a few more years.  If I had female parts I'm pretty sure I would have gotten a good order from the start.)

The following is a generalization.  Some states and local courts may vary.

Guardian ad Litem - usually a lawyer, hopefully with more than a few training sessions on child related issues.  Important to choose one who is less gullible to the stbEx's convincing  posturing and claims.

Custody Evaluator - Better than a Psych Eval because most PEs are a cursory overview and don't drill into how those mental states impact the parenting.  Also, a CE usually includes a PE, plus sessions with each parent and the children.  The CE should be focused on how best to aid the children to live functional and healthy lives.  In our cases that means despite the impact of a potentially disordered parent.

Understand that most courts and the other professionals around the courts avoid diagnosing a mental health concern unless one has already been diagnosed.  Instead they focus on the documented behaviors - poor ones of the Ex and to a lesser extent good ones of you.  That's where you come in, it's up to you to report the problems.  Don't hide the Ex's misbehaviors and poor patterns.  Likewise, if your mistakes of the past are brought up (predictably by the Ex of course) be sure you clarify how you've corrected and addressed those issues going forward.  Are you keeping a log, journal or calendar on past and current incidents?  Claims such as "she always..." or "he always..." are vague and likely to be ignored as unsupported hearsay.  Specific details of when, where, witnesses,etc will make your information more credible.

Thank you for the info. Awesome to hear that you ended up with such a favorable result. How influential do you think the CE's report was?

Great advice about documenting everything and pointing out patterns of behavior. I've been doing that as much as possible thus far - hoping it pays off.

[juju2]

you are welcome all.

so what I can share is that things change over time.

this is a battle, you are in right now.

The dynamic is, could i say, not conducive to a child having 2 loving parents.

I think 2 loving parents, is the goal.

if anything I say communicates, this is it.

How you get there, what roads you take, which things you do not do, for the sake of expediency, each and every thing you do has long term consequences.

My ex had a major melt down after the divorce.

He was in no shape to be a parent, joint custody, sole custody, anything.

None of us can foretell the future.

I guess am sharing this because at the end of the day, both of you, both parents, are the most important person to your daughter.  B O T H.

Going thru these waters is more than I can do.  I have to pray every day, and pray some more.

I guess find time to meditate.

Realize the other parent is not your enemy...

whatever is going to happen via a vis the divorce is going to happen.

Who I am and who I am being, these issues will create a loving future.

[MeandThee29]

Thank you for the info and the feedback. From what you've heard, is 50/50 the norm in your jurisdiction even in cases where the child is as young as mine (2 years old)?

I don't know an answer to that, but it must be fairly low because there are 50/50 schedules for babies out there. A friend of mine who is a lactation specialist has had to go to court several to testify that a baby should not be on 50/50 because they were being breastfed and were very young. She's never said if they were successful with that argument or not, but that's a very young child to be passed back and forth between parents.

Yes, divorce is brutal. I can't believe these sorts of things are even a consideration, but they are. I tend to think that babies should be with their mothers, but I'm old fashioned.

Preschoolers are another matter entirely, IMHO.

[ForeverDad]

My county, so far as I know, does not list 50/50 in their online guidelines.

• Children under 3... father gets shorter but more frequent visits so the father-child bond is fostered.  Father is not blocked from some overnights.  Yes, child can be safe overnight with a good father.
• Children from preschoolers to pre-teens... One parent, typically dad, get "standard" alternate weekends and an overnight (or an evening or two) in between.  (My CE suggested that if children younger than 10 years were in 50/50 then more frequent exchanges be set rather than alternate weeks.  He described the 2-2-3 or 2-2-5-5 schedule where a child is never scheduled more than 3-5 days away from either parent except for holidays or vacations.)
• Older teens... they may do better having a primary home with one parent.  A measure of independence is appropriate and they're starting to socialize and building relationships with their peers which will help them as they become adults.

My lawyer said that the above wasn't a requirement, more like strong recommendations, but still...

Breastfeeding mothers should become familiar with expressing their milk, freezing it and passing it along at exchanges.  After all, millions of working mothers do it now because they're away at work.  I'm not saying a 50/50 schedule wouldn't be difficult, but using breastfeeding alone as an excuse to deny a father decent parenting time isn't right.  Sadly, some disordered mothers have sabotaged the fathers by trying that.

All I'm saying is that breastfeeding alone probably shouldn't be the reason a mother uses to justify having more time with the young child.  Fine for it to be a reason but not the only reason.  (Disclaimer: I'm a guy so don't beat me up too much about this aspect.)

[GaGrl]

Check in to legal firms that present themselves as representing "father's rights."

[livednlearned]

When our cases go to court, it seems like there is sort of a reset that happens.

It's kind of like the judge goes, Ok, you guys can't figure this out on your own. That's one strike against both of you. Let's see what happens when I order _______. Either both of you are the problem, or one is. I'll wait and see who it is.

Because the judges know that high conflict cases tend to come back. And they don't want to see repeat customers.

Your lawyer seems to think that asking for a lot will make the judge think, "you're one of those guys." I would want to know more about that. Has he had cases where a dad asked for a lot and lost more than standard? Is there a way to find out how many dads ask for primary (or sole) custody and get it? Or lose it?

Not all family law attorneys are good litigators. I would want to know that too. Is it possible in your court system to sit and observe?

Your lawyer seems to lack confidence about being able to represent what you want. I would want to drill into that a bit deeper to find out why. Not switching from GAL to custody evaluation seems odd -- has your L had a case before, or observed a case where this went badly? GALs don't typically have the same degree of professional training to do that job.

And last ... when you walk into court as one half of a high-conflict case, you have to persuade the judge in so many ways that you're there to problem solve. I don't know why lawyers don't explain this to us. A lot of us have to figure this out the hard way. Maybe suggest to your lawyer that you want to go to court and tell the judge you have concerns about your wife's parenting because xyz happened to endanger your child. Suggest a parenting course or first aid course or something that looks like you not only see the problem, you have a proposed solution. You think primary or sole is safer and better for your children as it stands, and think a class might improve your ex's parenting. Then offer up three classes with three professionals that she can pick from, and suggest a deadline before which she has to do the class (either sign up for it or finish it) and some kind of proof of attendance. You might volunteer to do a class too -- your lawyer might think this makes you look better.

It might not be this exact suggestion but something like it. This shows you are capable of solving your own problems. When she doesn't comply, because a lot of high-conflict people struggle with this kind of thing, she begins to demonstrate to the judge that she's the problem.

I just want to say, too, that I feel your fear. We are here to walk with you and take deep breaths. When I felt paralyzed by the legal stuff I dove into books and articles about how to raise an emotionally resilient child. That's not light reading!  It can change your life and your child's. Done well it can offset many of the worst deficits that come from having a severely disordered parent who isn't able to show up for even the basics. Focusing on things that you do have control over, like beefing up your parenting skills to pro level, helps to offset the out-of-control feeling that can come from having third-party professionals dictate what happens to our child.

I hope you don't have to dump this lawyer, but I would do some investigating first and see if you can figure out how to structure the problem-solving piece. At the very least, you want to set this first trip to court up to show the judge who you are, with some warnings that 50/50 might have to be modified if mom appears to be struggling.

This is getting ahead a bit, but you can also structure consequences for non-compliance into things. For example, if mom refuses to do parenting classes, then you request she pays legal fees when you have to come back for a follow-up hearing.

[alleyesonme]

you are welcome all.

so what I can share is that things change over time.

this is a battle, you are in right now.

The dynamic is, could i say, not conducive to a child having 2 loving parents.

I think 2 loving parents, is the goal.

if anything I say communicates, this is it.

How you get there, what roads you take, which things you do not do, for the sake of expediency, each and every thing you do has long term consequences.

My ex had a major melt down after the divorce.

He was in no shape to be a parent, joint custody, sole custody, anything.

None of us can foretell the future.

I guess am sharing this because at the end of the day, both of you, both parents, are the most important person to your daughter.  B O T H.

Going thru these waters is more than I can do.  I have to pray every day, and pray some more.

I guess find time to meditate.

Realize the other parent is not your enemy...

whatever is going to happen via a vis the divorce is going to happen.

Who I am and who I am being, these issues will create a loving future.

Always appreciate your words of wisdom and support - thank you! Lots of good pointers here that I need to keep in mind moving forward.

[alleyesonme]

I don't know an answer to that, but it must be fairly low because there are 50/50 schedules for babies out there. A friend of mine who is a lactation specialist has had to go to court several to testify that a baby should not be on 50/50 because they were being breastfed and were very young. She's never said if they were successful with that argument or not, but that's a very young child to be passed back and forth between parents.

Yes, divorce is brutal. I can't believe these sorts of things are even a consideration, but they are. I tend to think that babies should be with their mothers, but I'm old fashioned.

Preschoolers are another matter entirely, IMHO.

Thank you for the info. To follow up about your friend that's a lactation specialist, was she testifying about babies that were 6 months old? A year? 2 years? Older than 2?

As with all kids, the amount that our daughter has changed over the last year-plus is incredible. If we'd gone through this process when she was a year old, or even younger, then the dynamic would be totally different. In that scenario, she would need much more time with her mom than she currently needs.

But she'll likely be 3 years old before this case is officially resolved, and I'm having frequent 24 hour visits with her that are going very well. Naturally, they'd go even better if I could have consecutive and/or more frequent 24 hour visits.

[alleyesonme]

My county, so far as I know, does not list 50/50 in their online guidelines.

• Children under 3... father gets shorter but more frequent visits so the father-child bond is fostered.  Father is not blocked from some overnights.  Yes, child can be safe overnight with a good father.
• Children from preschoolers to pre-teens... One parent, typically dad, get "standard" alternate weekends and an overnight (or an evening or two) in between.  (My CE suggested that if children younger than 10 years were in 50/50 then more frequent exchanges be set rather than alternate weeks.  He described the 2-2-3 or 2-2-5-5 schedule where a child is never scheduled more than 3-5 days away from either parent except for holidays or vacations.)
• Older teens... they may do better having a primary home with one parent.  A measure of independence is appropriate and they're starting to socialize and building relationships with their peers which will help them as they become adults.

My lawyer said that the above wasn't a requirement, more like strong recommendations, but still...

Breastfeeding mothers should become familiar with expressing their milk, freezing it and passing it along at exchanges.  After all, millions of working mothers do it now because they're away at work.  I'm not saying a 50/50 schedule wouldn't be difficult, but using breastfeeding alone as an excuse to deny a father decent parenting time isn't right.  Sadly, some disordered mothers have sabotaged the fathers by trying that.

All I'm saying is that breastfeeding alone probably shouldn't be the reason a mother uses to justify having more time with the young child.  Fine for it to be a reason but not the only reason.  (Disclaimer: I'm a guy so don't beat me up too much about this aspect.)

Thank you for the info about your county. Our county seems to be less clear about its standards than yours is, which makes it even more confusing.

Great point about breastfeeding mothers having the ability to pump. Our daughter is still breastfeeding when she's with her mom, but easily goes 24 hours without it when she's with me. My STBex is making a big deal about our daughter needing to nurse, yet refuses to supply me with pumped milk. To me, that's a double whammy in my favor, because I'm proving that our daughter doesn't need it at all and also proving that my STBex doesn't genuinely believe it's an issue, or else she'd provide me with pumped milk.

Another issue that's very frustrating to me is the notion of who the "primary care giver" is, as that's another factor in her favor at this point. My STBex decided on her own that she'd stop working when our child was born, and has refused to do any work at all since then. The resulting financial hardship only forced me to work more than ever before. I still made time every day to have quality time with our child, and as I've mentioned above, I've frequently done everything with our daughter that the STBex has done - with the obvious exception of nursing. I know there's a stereotype about fathers of babies being bumbling idiots who don't know how to change, feed, bathe or care for the child, and I feel like the court automatically assumes that every father is like that.

[alleyesonme]

Check in to legal firms that present themselves as representing "father's rights."

Good idea. Have you found that those firms are more common in bigger cities?

[alleyesonme]

When our cases go to court, it seems like there is sort of a reset that happens.

It's kind of like the judge goes, Ok, you guys can't figure this out on your own. That's one strike against both of you. Let's see what happens when I order _______. Either both of you are the problem, or one is. I'll wait and see who it is.

Because the judges know that high conflict cases tend to come back. And they don't want to see repeat customers.

Your lawyer seems to think that asking for a lot will make the judge think, "you're one of those guys." I would want to know more about that. Has he had cases where a dad asked for a lot and lost more than standard? Is there a way to find out how many dads ask for primary (or sole) custody and get it? Or lose it?

Not all family law attorneys are good litigators. I would want to know that too. Is it possible in your court system to sit and observe?

Your lawyer seems to lack confidence about being able to represent what you want. I would want to drill into that a bit deeper to find out why. Not switching from GAL to custody evaluation seems odd -- has your L had a case before, or observed a case where this went badly? GALs don't typically have the same degree of professional training to do that job.

And last ... when you walk into court as one half of a high-conflict case, you have to persuade the judge in so many ways that you're there to problem solve. I don't know why lawyers don't explain this to us. A lot of us have to figure this out the hard way. Maybe suggest to your lawyer that you want to go to court and tell the judge you have concerns about your wife's parenting because xyz happened to endanger your child. Suggest a parenting course or first aid course or something that looks like you not only see the problem, you have a proposed solution. You think primary or sole is safer and better for your children as it stands, and think a class might improve your ex's parenting. Then offer up three classes with three professionals that she can pick from, and suggest a deadline before which she has to do the class (either sign up for it or finish it) and some kind of proof of attendance. You might volunteer to do a class too -- your lawyer might think this makes you look better.

It might not be this exact suggestion but something like it. This shows you are capable of solving your own problems. When she doesn't comply, because a lot of high-conflict people struggle with this kind of thing, she begins to demonstrate to the judge that she's the problem.

I just want to say, too, that I feel your fear. We are here to walk with you and take deep breaths. When I felt paralyzed by the legal stuff I dove into books and articles about how to raise an emotionally resilient child. That's not light reading!  It can change your life and your child's. Done well it can offset many of the worst deficits that come from having a severely disordered parent who isn't able to show up for even the basics. Focusing on things that you do have control over, like beefing up your parenting skills to pro level, helps to offset the out-of-control feeling that can come from having third-party professionals dictate what happens to our child.

I hope you don't have to dump this lawyer, but I would do some investigating first and see if you can figure out how to structure the problem-solving piece. At the very least, you want to set this first trip to court up to show the judge who you are, with some warnings that 50/50 might have to be modified if mom appears to be struggling.

This is getting ahead a bit, but you can also structure consequences for non-compliance into things. For example, if mom refuses to do parenting classes, then you request she pays legal fees when you have to come back for a follow-up hearing.

So much great info and wisdom here - thank you for your help!

You mention something that's very frustrating to me. Just like everyone here, I'm not "one of those guys." But the fact that I have to overcome that stereotype right from the beginning isn't fair. I'm trying to do what's best for our child, and I have plenty of evidence to back up my claims.

Good tip about trying to sit and observe my L (and others) in action. I'll look into that. My L has a reputation for being great in court, which is the biggest reason I hired him in the first place, but that doesn't do me any good if we botch other parts of the process.

I recently asked about getting a CE instead of or in addition to the GAL, but haven't gotten an answer to that question that.

I like your tip about showing that I'm trying to problem solve. Between all of us here, I really think the only way my STBex would be an adequate parent is to get extensive DBT therapy. Unless she does that, she won't be able to help her need to lash out at the people closest to her, which includes our daughter. I've tried to tactfully communicate that to our GAL. To an outsider that doesn't know either one of us, though, I realize that that approach may raise red flags about me. Have you come across any parenting classes that can drill down a little deeper? Even if not, they still can't hurt, but they might be limited in their impact with her.

We're on the same page when it comes to reading. I've been reading everything I can get my hands on about BPD, parenting, raising an emotionally resilient child, and dealing with high-conflict divorces. As you said, that has helped give me comfort that I'm doing everything I can when our daughter is with me.

[GaGrl]

Good idea. Have you found that those firms are more common in bigger cities?

The ones I've seen are in Florida -- Tampa, Orlando, Pensacola. Pensacola is not that large a city.

[alleyesonme]

The ones I've seen are in Florida -- Tampa, Orlando, Pensacola. Pensacola is not that large a city.

Thanks for the info. Before I selected my current attorney, I consulted with an attorney at one of those firms that specializes in dad's rights. I was given some advice in that consultation that seemed a little far fetched, which was one reason I selected my current attorney. Where I live (a small town in the Northeast), there aren't many - if any - other firms or attorneys like this, so I'm having trouble tracking one down.

[kells76]

Our daughter is still breastfeeding when she's with her mom, but easily goes 24 hours without it when she's with me. My STBex is making a big deal about our daughter needing to nurse, yet refuses to supply me with pumped milk. To me, that's a double whammy in my favor, because I'm proving that our daughter doesn't need it at all and also proving that my STBex doesn't genuinely believe it's an issue, or else she'd provide me with pumped milk.

Any emails/texts/documented interactions about this? Could be helpful to file away.

Are you keeping any kind of "parenting log" (just for you and your L, not to share with STBx) about how D is doing with you? Naps, eating, play time, discipline, etc?

And at this point, with you guys not divorced, you could just as easily either take D to pediatrician or consult with pediatrician on your own, right? Any chance of having a consult with pediatrician, something low key, like "hey, D is X months old, and I really want the best for her. She seems to do OK going a day w/o breastfeeding, and unfortunately has not been provided w/ breastmilk during that day without. Anything I should be watching for or concerned about? I've been feeding her X, Y, and Z type foods and diaper changes have been going fine" or something like that.

Don't put all your eggs in this basket, as it were, but your intuition is correct that it's just one more instance of your D's mom saying with words that she's all about D but not following up with actions. So, document, get support, get professional consultations, make sure you're doing healthy stuff for D when she's with you. Don't "hang your hat" on this one slice of the pie, but don't discount it, either. It's so frustrating to encounter that other parent proclaiming their exalted status in the child's life and then dropping the ball on care when it matters.