Seeking Advice on Acceptance

[delia211]

I hope you are all doing well.  I was wondering if any of you had any wisdom or insights to share on this.

About a year ago I became estranged from my BPD mother after discovering that she was doing something particularly malicious and delusional.  When I confronted her about it, all she did was blame others and take no accountability, which is typical of her.  After a lifetime of very significant hardship from her behavior, I couldn't do it anymore.

Despite being estranged, I am aware that she is continuing to do the act which ultimately was the straw the broke the camel's back on our relationship.  I know that I shouldn't take this personally because she is ill, but I am still struggling with a lot of sadness and constantly feeling like she has chosen her delusions of being incapable of wrongdoing over me and our relationship.  It pains me a lot that, like so many other times in my life, I have told her she is doing something that hurts me, and she just continues to do it anyway with no regard for the impact on me.

Do any of you happen to have any advice on overcoming these feelings and accepting your BPD relative's illness?  Thanks very much 

[zachira]

I am sad to hear what you are going through with your mother with BPD. You are doing what is best for you by going NC with your mother and taking some needed time to rest from her and heal. Making the decision to go NC can be immensely painful, and in some instances more painful that when we were actually in contact. Being NC, can signal that it is safe to feel all the boarded up feelings, and it can be overwhelming. It sounds like your mother is doing things that you can no longer accept, and the only choice is to go NC. Being NC, does not necessarily feel as safe as we might expect, because we know that the disordered person is still alive, and may still be doing a lot of harmful unethical things, so we can still feel quite unsafe, angry, and sad even though we are not in contact. My mother with BPD died last summer and it was a great relief until my sister with NPD and brother with BPD treated me more cruelly than my mother ever did. Now I get up every day just trying to be the best person I can be for that day, which helps to relieve my anxiety about just being emotionally over all the hurt I have suffered from being abused by so many family members. I think sometimes we just so badly want the suffering to end that we set goals that are too ambitious for the moment. Do little things to help yourself feel better. What are you doing now for self care?

[delia211]

Thank you Zachira.  You have described the difficulties and dilemmas of going NC very accurately.  I think your one step at a time approach makes a lot of sense.  As for self-care, I've been trying to take walks and speak to my T but due to stress and time constraints definitely have not been doing as much as I would like.  I am again so sorry to hear about your struggles with your siblings which sound very painful.  I am glad to hear though that you have such a great perspective and commitment to healthy routines.  Wishing you continued strength during the trying times.