Home page of BPDFamily.com, online relationship supportMember registration here
May 17, 2021, 11:48:49 PM *
Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.

Login with username, password and session length
Board Admins: Harri, Once Removed
Senior Ambassadors: Cat Familiar, I Am Redeemed, Mutt, Turkish
  Help!   Groups   Please Donate Login to Post New?--Click here to register  
bing
VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?" Parental alienation is when a parent allows a child to participate or hear them degrade the other parent. This is not uncommon in divorces and the children often adjust. In severe cases, however, it can be devastating to the child. This video provides a helpful overview.
204
Pages: [1]   Go Down
  Print  
Author Topic: Now it’s on me.  (Read 260 times)
Goosey
***
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Divorcing
Posts: 225


« on: August 21, 2020, 09:44:45 PM »

Ok I posted a lot.
Divorcing a probably pwBPD.
22 year marriage.
 Unfortunately have all the same intense disturbing stories I read in others posts all the time.
 Situation now is in that faze where she is “preoccupied” so no ongoing drama.
  I feel for everyone who posts about their situation.
It’s so frantic and raw and crazy and fast and intense and then boom they do exactly what the documentation shows. They hook into the next.  
  It’s really stunning.
   So there maybe is a window that my divorce can just get done without anymore violence. I really don’t care that much anymore and never expect a good turnout.
  But I guess the reason I’m posting is to say to all those in the apex of drama,The insane cyclone of insanity, do what you have to do to survive even though it feels awful (like my filing for divorce), i don’t think it makes a damn bit of difference what we do it’s just gonna play out just like a textbook.
That’s was the real eye opener for me to view this site, It’s documented. This is a real condition. At the same time that is comforting in a twisted way. I forgive her and forgive me.
  Now I have to kick myself in the butt. I survived the insanity I can fake it till maybe I realize how to feel like a person again.  
  
« Last Edit: August 21, 2020, 09:51:43 PM by Goosey » Logged
FindingMe2011
a.k.a. *BeenThereB4*
*******
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 1227



« Reply #1 on: August 21, 2020, 10:43:35 PM »

It’s documented. This is a real condition.

The realization that such a severe illness could exist in a normal looking person. I was here once upon a time. Then I started seeing the puzzle pieces make sense.

At the same time that is comforting in a twisted way.

22 years is a long time to not be validated. Its not twisted, its needed especially now.

Situation now is in that faze where she is “preoccupied” so no ongoing drama.

You will most likely be painted black for a while, unless she has problems with attachments. The recycle attempts would most likely occur. Think about how you would approach this situation and what you might say. This way if/when this should happen you would be somewhat prepared. With pending divorce I find it hard, that you would not have this happen at some point.

I forgive her and forgive me.

I learned to accept her for who she was...I forgave myself for believing she was someone else. I wanted something so bad, I was willing to lie to myself. Didnt work out so well.

Now I have to kick myself in the butt. 

Hopefully this means-
Maybe a time to be a little more understanding towards yourself.

I survived the insanity I can fake it till maybe I realize how to feel like a person again. 

This will take a while and probably wont be as calm as possible, until after the divorce. You will get back to your old self and hopefully a better version of your old self, will emerge. I wish you well Peace





Logged
Crispy Waffle

*
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Separated, divorce pending
Posts: 37



« Reply #2 on: August 22, 2020, 12:22:14 PM »

Goosey, you and I are on parallel paths. I'm coming up on my 23rd anniversary and I'm in virtually the same boat.

FindingMe is spot-on, and I find that he offers up some of the most sober advice and assessments here. Don't beat yourself up; you've had more than enough of that for several lifetimes at the hands of your spouse. Yeah, kick yourself in the butt to keep moving forward and not get stuck. Do the work on yourself and not only will you make yourself a better person, you'll find it cathartic, it will empower you, and you will grow from it.

I saw my sister-in-law today and she had avoided me when I reached out to her a few weeks ago, I believe because of her sister (my wife). I apologized to her for not being as nice to her as I should have at times over the years. And I thanked her for the help she has given my mom, who is not the most pleasant person. I told her this was part of my personal work and journey, and she immediately related, having gotten sober herself a year or two ago and going through the AA 12-step program. We talked about how we both recognized that we wanted to be different than the traits of our parents that contributed to our woes. We hugged, she told me I would always be part of her family, and that she was very happy to hear that I was on my own personal journey. And she noted that her sister has to do her own work.

Doing this is making me feel human again after having felt completely devalued and dehumanized in the past few months, and really over many years, but in a very insidious way that I didn't fully recognize. I even put my wife on notice earlier this week with some boundary violations, but at the end of the message I told her that I was giving myself the freedom to love her for who she was at her core, while also freeing myself from the hate and anger I had for her damaging behavior. I still have those intense feelings at time, but I know that I can ultimately be in control of how I feel. It was liberating.

 Hold yourself accountable, but treat yourself kindly. Love yourself. You deserve it. We all do.
Logged
Can You Help Us Stay on the Air in 2021?

Pages: [1]   Go Up
  Print  
 
Jump to:  

Our 2020 Financial Sponsors
We are all appreciative of the members who provide the funding to keep BPDFamily on the air.
40days_in_desert
Ahquei3s
alphabeta
Amethyste
Angie59
ArtistGuy70
AskingWhy
assumezero
At Bay
Avanzando
Baglady
Beneck
bigredneck
Bittlecat
Boll Weevil
calmboom
Cat Familiar
Chosen
Dnmtnbkr
drained1996
Eggshellsbroken
FaintTheGoat
FaithHopeLove
FindingMe2011
Forgiveness
freespirit
GaGrl
ggGreg
Gift to Myself
gotbushels
Harri
hopeandchoices
I Am Redeemed
Imatter33
Jazzy48
jdc
jones54
Jonthan
Katrinalove
Kwamina
l8kgrl
LLgreen
Longterm
lorymac
lovenature
loyalwife
lucidone
Manifest32f
MariannaR
Meridius
Methuen
mgirl
Minttea
Mommydoc
Mutt
narcdaughter2
needPeace
NorseWoman
Notgoneyet
oceanheart
oftentimes
Omega1
once removed
Only Human
otherlife
palynne
PeacefulMom
Pedro
pest947
podsnapG
ProudDad12
pursuingJoy
Radcliff
Raul
Recycle
Resiliant
Rev
Rosheger
Sad4Her
SamwizeGamgee
Sandalwood
SBBayArea
SCM
SerendipityChild
SES
Silverhope
Skip
songbirdtwo
StillStuck
Swimmy55
Teno
townhouse
truthbeknown
turtleengine501
Ventak
vinnie77
Violet00
wavewatcher
wendydarling
WhatJustHappened?
Whichwayisup
whirlpoollife
Wicker Man
WindofChange
worn_out
WTL
zachira
zaqsert

Powered by MySQL Powered by PHP Powered by SMF 1.1.21 | SMF © 2006-2020, Simple Machines Valid XHTML 1.0! Valid CSS!