Don't know what to do

[bathsheba]

I've been married for 29 years. My husband has often struggled with anxiety, depression and feeling bullied in relationships. Whenever he is distressed, he blames me. When he's not distressed, we get along well. He's had a ton of therapy (all kinds) and has gradually accepted that his difficulties stem from his family of origin. He's tried talking to his parents, but doesn't get anywhere. In the past two years, he has started coping with his feelings by drinking secretly. I confronted him a couple of times and he stopped drinking (once very apologetically), but recently he started again. He's also been taking antidepressants for the past eight months, so I'm concerned about possible alcohol x drug interactions. About ten days ago, he became angry with me and drank heavily, which resulted in a fight. He was verbally abusive to me. He continued to be angry with me for a few days. My adult son (who lives with us b/c of COVID) and I agreed that I should leave the house and find another place to live for a month as I seemed to provoke my husband's anger no matter what I said or did. Initially, my husband wrote emails to tell me he missed me. But most recently, he's written that he can't do anything right with me. He also blames me for his drinking, saying he only does it because I make him so angry. I strongly believe that he has BPD. I don't know what to do now. Because he blames me for his unhappiness, I don't see how I can talk to him about his need to get help with his depression, binge drinking and possible BPD. I also don't know how best to help myself.

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[start_again]

He also blames me for his drinking, saying he only does it because I make him so angry. I strongly believe that he has BPD. I don't know what to do now. Because he blames me for his unhappiness, I don't see how I can talk to him about his need to get help with his depression, binge drinking and possible BPD. I also don't know how best to help myself.

Hello bathsheba,
Welcome to the site. Excessive drinking and blaming it on others as the reason for drinking is a toxic.  I would suggest contacting a local county alcohol recovery center in your are and find an Al-Anon meeting.  In Al-Anon you will learn that it is not you that is the cause of someones drinking and also you will learn ways to help yourself. 

[Diddle]

Hey Bathsheba
I have found that reading other peoples accounts of the lives they are living, that are so hugely similar to mine, are extremely helpful.
I am learning slowly, that nothing I say to my DbpdH will make any difference as he clearly see's what I say as wrong and I can't control that. So I am learning to focus on building myself a life and our children, and attempting to support him while he starts treatment, in the hope the treatment really helps, and our relationship can rebuild, we shall see what happens.

Please know, you are not to blame for this, and he can't control the blame he is laying on you.