Renovations

[HeardYouHearMe]

Some background:
My husband was recently diagnosed with BPD after 27 years in the military and 9 years of retirement. He was an admitted alcoholic while in the military and did not drink for 19 years.  He started drinking when he retired.  Since his BPD diagnosis he quit drinking.  He is on medical marijuana and an antidepressant.

Our relationship for 27 years was mainly work, eat, sleep. With his retirement and the drinking it was hell. Since the BPD diagnosis it has been slowly getting better, 2 weeks after the meds it was wonderful, loving, great!  And then we started looking at renovating our home. He is back to the mean, nasty, name calling person he was when he was drinking.

What do I do?  Shelve the renovations? Cave in to what he wants one more time?
He is threatening to leave, quit counseling, quit medications.

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PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[JaneWrites]

Hello, HeardYouHearMe! Welcome. The recent good times are encouraging, I think, and I'm sure it was extra difficult thinking you were on a good path to be struck down with the attitude shift.

The renovation issue is a tough one, and I'm dealing with a mini similar issue on my side. I've learned that if you press something with my uBPDh that he is actively against, it won't work. I'm willing to bet there is a reason why he feels invalidated with the renovation in some way - either the change or the process or something.

I'm trying a new tactic along the lines of: "Oh, I didn't realize you were attached to the way things are set up now. Well, of course we can work around that. I do think we need [more space, a different set up that will allow X, more light, whatever it is], but maybe we can think more creatively to achieve that."

Hopefully you have a little more time to finalize things for the renovation to get him on board. The last time I took this tactic, he did come around to my point of view once it was clear I wasn't going to bulldoze in my solution. I think it wasn't so threatening once I backed off.

I'm still working out my latest issue, so I'm not sure how it'll work out! I am prepared to have a suboptimal solution though (again, I'm not dealing with a big renovation, so the stakes are much lower).

[HeardYouHearMe]

Thank you for your reply. I told him I was shelving the reno as I thought it was too stressful. He said I wasn't listening to anything he wanted to do, he doesn't like the architect, doesn't like the builders, etc. And...he packed a bag and left leaving his wedding ring. With silence from me, he began texting, with continued silence he texted that this is classic BPD behavior you know.  My only response has been "good night, I'm turning my phone off". 

When they recognize their behavior shouldn't they be able to change it? I don't want to enable this behavior by allowing him to return without some change required. Have you found any boundaries that worked for you?
 

[JaneWrites]

Ughh so sorry.

When they recognize their behavior shouldn't they be able to change it?

This IS the maddening thing, isn't it? I've always wondered why my husband couldn't recognize his inhumanity as he deals with me. Mine is undiagnosed though and hostile to the suggestion he needs therapy, so at least maybe your BPDh's skills he's been learning will kick in.

One thing to think about that I'm just unpacking for myself now:  If I hear resistance from him and then I just cancel something, that can escalate the dysregulation. I think it might be that I'm not hearing him when I want to go in a certain direction and then just canceling it out of frustration/anger/fear whatever is still not validating to him because I'm changing directions because I don't want to deal with him and not because I've drilled down to why he's feeling off about it.

[HeardYouHearMe]

Some background:
My husband was recently diagnosed with BPD after 27 years in the military and 9 years of retirement. He was an admitted alcoholic while in the military and did not drink for 19 years.  He started drinking when he retired.  Since his BPD diagnosis he quit drinking.  He is on medical marijuana and an antidepressant.

Our relationship for 27 years was mainly work, eat, sleep. With his retirement and the drinking it was hell. Since the BPD diagnosis it has been slowly getting better, 2 weeks after the meds it was wonderful, loving, great!  And then we started looking at renovating our home. He is back to the mean, nasty, name calling person he was when he was drinking.

What do I do?  Shelve the renovations? Cave in to what he wants one more time?
He is threatening to leave, quit counseling, quit medications.

Ughh so sorry.

This IS the maddening thing, isn't it? I've always wondered why my husband couldn't recognize his inhumanity as he deals with me. Mine is undiagnosed though and hostile to the suggestion he needs therapy, so at least maybe your BPDh's skills he's been learning will kick in.

One thing to think about that I'm just unpacking for myself now:  If I hear resistance from him and then I just cancel something, that can escalate the dysregulation. I think it might be that I'm not hearing him when I want to go in a certain direction and then just canceling it out of frustration/anger/fear whatever is still not validating to him because I'm changing directions because I don't want to deal with him and not because I've drilled down to why he's feeling off about it.

He is definitely spiraling right now.  I can't find the right words to stop it.  Says he is moving out, he has put me through enough.  Reaching out to friends saying goodbye.  Threw his meds out.