Filed for divorce Part 3

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

This is a continuation of a previous thread: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=345930.30

How are things stolencrumbs?

Have the papers been served?

Yes, the papers were served on Saturday. She did not handle that well. She spent most of that night making her case that I am the abusive one and that I abandoned her. Happily, she started forwarding everything to my lawyer now that she knows who it is. He responded politely and said he was happy to meet with her to discuss her concerns. And there are, of course, persistent suicide threats.  

Yesterday was relatively quiet. She switched back to begging me to just come back home and get through the pandemic and then figure things out. That's actually harder for me to deal with. It's just repeatedly telling me that she can't do this, that she won't survive this, that I can have a divorce but she needs to make it to the other side, she can't handle being isolated, can't we just be kind to each other, etc. She apologizes for the things she does, but seems to excuse them because she is scared and because she is drunk when she does those things. Her drinking is increasingly a problem, and something else she promises she won't do if I come back home.

I haven't been over there since I had the conversation about serving the papers, so it's been over a week. That's probably the longest I've not seen her, maybe ever. She often says that she doesn't know who I am anymore, and she just wants the old me back. That makes a lot of sense. That is what she wants, and I'm sure she doesn't recognize a version of me that doesn't just go along with what she wants me to do. I can't say I feel particularly good about it, but I do think it is for the best and I'm trusting that the more distance I can get from it all, the more clearly I will see things.

[stolencrumbs]

This is a continuation of a previous thread: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=345930.30

How are things stolencrumbs?

Have the papers been served?

Yes, the papers were served on Saturday. She did not handle that well. She spent most of that night making her case that I am the abusive one and that I abandoned her. Happily, she started forwarding everything to my lawyer now that she knows who it is. He responded politely and said he was happy to meet with her to discuss her concerns. And there are, of course, persistent suicide threats.  

Yesterday was relatively quiet. She switched back to begging me to just come back home and get through the pandemic and then figure things out. That's actually harder for me to deal with. It's just repeatedly telling me that she can't do this, that she won't survive this, that I can have a divorce but she needs to make it to the other side, she can't handle being isolated, can't we just be kind to each other, etc. She apologizes for the things she does, but seems to excuse them because she is scared and because she is drunk when she does those things. Her drinking is increasingly a problem, and something else she promises she won't do if I come back home.

I haven't been over there since I had the conversation about serving the papers, so it's been over a week. That's probably the longest I've not seen her, maybe ever. She often says that she doesn't know who I am anymore, and she just wants the old me back. That makes a lot of sense. That is what she wants, and I'm sure she doesn't recognize a version of me that doesn't just go along with what she wants me to do. I can't say I feel particularly good about it, but I do think it is for the best and I'm trusting that the more distance I can get from it all, the more clearly I will see things.

[babyducks]

I haven't been over there since I had the conversation about serving the papers, so it's been over a week. That's probably the longest I've not seen her, maybe ever. She often says that she doesn't know who I am anymore, and she just wants the old me back. That makes a lot of sense. That is what she wants, and I'm sure she doesn't recognize a version of me that doesn't just go along with what she wants me to do. I can't say I feel particularly good about it, but I do think it is for the best and I'm trusting that the more distance I can get from it all, the more clearly I will see things.

Congratulations on a week away.   that's a big milestone for you.   I am assuming it feels remarkably strange.

and congratulations on getting the papers served.   another big step.

I can see why it would be more difficult for you when your wife appears reasonable...come back just through the pandemic... on the surface that seems very reasonable.   you could almost entertain that thought for a while.   except.   all evidence points to this being just another ploy.    she isn't going to stop drinking.   she isn't going to get help.    she isn't going to be "kind".   at least not for long.

hang in there SC.     

[formflier]

 that I can have a divorce but she needs to make it to the other side, she can't handle being isolated, can't we just be kind to each other, etc.  

Stolencrumbs

My idea/thought to consider is something to first run by your lawyer, different states consider "post-nuptuals" very differently.

Two reasons I'm suggesting this.

1.  Not sure what your financial exposure is in this divorce.  Your L should be able to give you an idea of what your settlement should cost you in terms of lump sum or monthly or whatever.

2.  She is saying you can have divorce is you xyz.

Essentially marriage will continue for some period of time and then she will divorce under abc conditions.  

I would only advise you to even consider this, if it is possible to "insulate" yourself from a much worse deal.  

Perhaps put stuff in there like she agrees to be no contact with your work and agrees that if she does contact your work, she is waiving her settlement or something like that.

I'm hesitant to mention this idea, yet having a partner saying they will willingly divorce under certain conditions...well...it's worth a conversation with your L.  

 

Best,

FF

[stolencrumbs]

Essentially marriage will continue for some period of time and then she will divorce under abc conditions.

That's what she is *saying*. I don't really believe that. More often she says I need to come home and "we'll see what happens, and *if* we get a divorce, then..." I don't really have any vision of how that works. How I come home and play nice for 6 months or so and then part ways. The more likely outcome, I think, is that she would come up with some new reason for me to stay, and that leaving would be just as hard then as it is now.

Not sure what your financial exposure is in this divorce.  Your L should be able to give you an idea of what your settlement should cost you in terms of lump sum or monthly or whatever.

I don't have much, so there's not a lot of exposure. I don't care about our assets. I've told my lawyer that. I'm not interested in fighting over any of our stuff or the equity in the house. What I care most about is keeping as much of my income as I can. I do have alimony exposure. And what my wife claims she wants is permanent alimony. My L doesn't think she has any chance of getting that, but that is what she claims she is going to fight for. If that's the case, and she sticks to that, it will probably make it all the way to trial. In which case we are going to continue to be married for a fairly long time as all of this goes through the process.

I just want my life back, and to preserve as much of my future as I can. I'll give up a lot in a settlement in order to get that, and I'll give up a lot on the front end to get her set up in a new place somewhere.   

[formflier]

Please as least mention this in passing to your L.  It may get shot down quickly based on state law.

I agree there is a low chance of her agreeing to and signing off on anything, that being said...one of my motivations for mentioning this is to help you clarify things in your head...especially when she is being reasonable

Especially when she is being reasonable

Yes...worth repeating.

I agree that it very well may be "worth it" for you to be overly financially generous in order for this to be over quickly.

Please don't take this as criticism but as a nudge to examine feelings/values and talk it through with a T.

You should care about your assets  As a relative issue I would hope you care about your health/mental health more..but still...don't devalue things that are valuable without a really good reason/tradeoff

Thoughts?

Best,

FF

[stolencrumbs]

Please as least mention this in passing to your L.  It may get shot down quickly based on state law.

I agree there is a low chance of her agreeing to and signing off on anything, that being said...one of my motivations for mentioning this is to help you clarify things in your head...especially when she is being reasonable

Especially when she is being reasonable

Yes...worth repeating.

I agree that it very well may be "worth it" for you to be overly financially generous in order for this to be over quickly.

Please don't take this as criticism but as a nudge to examine feelings/values and talk it through with a T.

You should care about your assets  As a relative issue I would hope you care about your health/mental health more..but still...don't devalue things that are valuable without a really good reason/tradeoff

Thoughts?

Best,

FF

I guess I'm not sure how reasonable she is being. There has been no suggestion of figuring out some settlement now. Her suggestion is that I come home and we figure it out ourselves over the next 6 months or so. She doesn't want lawyers involved. She wants us to be a "team" for the next however long and figure out together what our lives look like after that. And maybe I'm the one being unreasonable, but that isn't something I am interested in right now. I would like to be supportive, I would like to be helpful, I'm not interested in fighting with her about things, etc. But I am not willing to purchase the divorce I have wanted for a long time by giving in to what she wants on the off chance that it really does go smoothly over the next six months and we part amicably.

I guess I feel like there isn't really another way to do this. I feel like any "backing off" at this point is going to signal to her that there is a chance that we aren't going to get a divorce, and she'll operate from that going forward. I am open to things looking a variety of different ways in the next six months or so, but I feel like however it looks needs to be based on the reality that we are going to get divorced, and I don't see her accepting that any other way. 

[Cat Familiar]

You’ve spent the last several years accommodating to her view of the world. Apparently there is no negotiation ability with this woman. It’s her way or else.

But she covers that up while attempting to ensnare you back into her clutches and promises to be reasonable. As you’ve experienced, these are empty promises, only designed to befuddle you and ultimately get her way.

[GaGrl]

She has been served with divorce papers, which you initiated.

You are correct -- any degree of "comfort" you provide her at this point will be seen as your backing off the divorce. This would be a mistake.

Your STBX has resources to support her. You cannot soothe her and proceed with divorce activity at the same time.

[formflier]

  But I am not willing to purchase the divorce I have wanted for a long time by giving in to what she wants on the off chance that it really does go smoothly over the next six months and we part amicably.

Again..a very long shot, but worth asking about.

"giving in" for her timing might get you a dramatically better settlement


Best,

FF

[stolencrumbs]

You cannot soothe her and proceed with divorce activity at the same time.

I have reluctantly come to agree with this. I think that was one of my mistakes for a long time--thinking I could somehow do both. I can't. I just have to weather the attacks that I'm being mean and cruel and treating her like a piece of trash.

[formflier]

  I just have to weather the attacks that I'm being mean and cruel and treating her like a piece of trash.

Is this really accurate?  Do you "have to"?

Back to the idea of separate phone, limited contact.

She had no compunctions avoiding service and you should NOT have any hesitation to limit you contact with her.

Be ready to challenge most of your "assumptions".  That's a very healthy thing to do!

 

Best,

FF

[Notwendy]

I think the dealing with being the "bad guy" is also emotional no matter what she says to you. But consider that, when someone is in victim mode- you being the bad guy is the situation- whether it's a divorce or not answering your phone when she calls.

A large part of this is your own boundaries and self image. What she thinks of you does not define you. I've posted about the pink elephant idea before. If someone calls you a pink elephant, it would not likely bother you. You wouldn't consider it or wonder "am I really a pink elephant" and you wouldn't try to prove you aren't one. This is because you are quite certain that you are a human, and someone thinking you are an elephant will not change you into one.

You need to translate this idea into being secure about who you are. Yes, we humans make errors. Sometimes we hurt people's feelings if we don't give in to them. But- that does not mean we are bad people. She may think or say you are a bad guy but you are not and what she thinks won't make it so.

As to assets, if they are not essential to you, I tend to agree that time is money ( especially time with a lawyer) and that trading peace for assets is something to consider.

First- you don't have children,so the main negotiation would be property and assets. The longer the negotiation drags out, the higher the lawyer bill. While you don't want to get yourself in a situation where you can't survive - also consider the emotional and time cost over a long disagreement.

[Cat Familiar]

How are things going, stolencrumbs?

[stolencrumbs]

How are things going, stolencrumbs?

Thanks for checking in, Cat. Things are...going. The daily dynamics have changed a bit. There are fewer late night emails, text, and phone calls. I have only seen her once in the past couple of weeks. That's been strange, but also nice to have some days and nights where I'm not managing a meltdown. The underlying dynamics, at least on my wife's part, are still the same. When she does email, she is still very clear that her plan is to kill herself unless I come back home. She says she is trying to give me time and space, but the only option for her to survive is for me to come home. She has not hired a lawyer and claims that she is not going to because she has no plan to be alive in a world in which we both have lawyers negotiating a divorce. It's been almost two weeks since she was served, so she has a little over two weeks left to respond to the divorce complaint.

I am definitely struggling with feeling like I should be doing more for her. She talks a lot about how hard it is to be isolated, and I don't doubt that it is very hard for her. That feels like something I could help with. But as long as, in her head, there is some chance that I am coming back home, I don't feel like I can really help with it. In a universe where we both accept that we are proceeding with divorce, maybe I could see her some and alleviate some of the isolation. But in a world in which she doesn't accept that that is what is happening, me going over there seems like it just delays and prolongs things more. So that's a battle in my head. I sit around at night and think that I could be over at the house and she would not be alone and isolated. That seems like something I could and maybe should do. But I also see how doing that doesn't really help anything in any kind of long term way. But then if I take her seriously, there isn't really any long term if she stays there in isolation because she will kill herself. I do recognize that the isolation is partly self-imposed, and I intellectually understand that I am not responsible for her life. But I can also imagine the guilt I will feel if she does kill herself and I'm left thinking that it wouldn't have happened if I had just spent some more time with her.

That's a lot of "buts", which I guess is indicative of where my head is at the moment. I don't know. It's hard. I am increasingly aware of how much the constant suicidal ideation, actions, and threats have impacted me and messed with my head. I am trying to just stay the course.   

[formflier]

  But I can also imagine the guilt I will feel if she does kill herself and I'm left thinking that it wouldn't have happened if I had just spent some more time with her.

 

I wonder if there is something else you can do or even should do with the emails about suicide.

What if everytime you got them you sent the to "the authorities" for a wellness check.

You get intellectually that this (her) isn't your responsibility, yet the struggle you feel with "just waiting" is palpable. 

Do you think we can come up with something you "do" with those, so you can look back and know that you took action.

Best,

FF

[GaGrl]

Your logic and emotions are warring with each other.

From a practical standpoint, please accept that spending time with her to alleviate her isolation "tells" her that you will always be there to soothe her. That means, divorced or not, she will continue to contact you and expect you to come to her. six months, one year, three years after the divorce, she will still threaten suicide.

I don't think this is how you envision your future -- with everything the same except a change in legal status.

What can you do now that encourages her to self-soothe? What boundaries must you hold to set up a future that works for you in a much healthier way?

[kells76]

Hey sc, I'm over here from Family Law. Commenting because I have a close friend whose ex-gf (dBPD) would threaten suicide AND not tell him where she was, unless he [X, Y, Z, A, B, C...]. So, some familiarity.

she is still very clear that her plan is to kill herself unless I come back home. She says she is trying to give me time and space, but the only option for her to survive is for me to come home. She has not hired a lawyer and claims that she is not going to because she has no plan to be alive in a world in which we both have lawyers negotiating a divorce. It's been almost two weeks since she was served, so she has a little over two weeks left to respond to the divorce complaint.

This fascinates me. She can "manage" to keep herself alive for two weeks so far. She's so desperate to kill herself that she's... waiting?

Looks like there is a way for her to have an "option to survive" without you living at home. She is undermining her own point.

She'll never "get it", of course.

You get it, though, right?

And I say this having read your previous posts about her plans, and with compassion for her as well. And for you.

[stolencrumbs]

I wonder if there is something else you can do or even should do with the emails about suicide.

What if everytime you got them you sent the to "the authorities" for a wellness check.

You get intellectually that this (her) isn't your responsibility, yet the struggle you feel with "just waiting" is palpable. 

Do you think we can come up with something you "do" with those, so you can look back and know that you took action.

Best,

FF

I guess I think there isn't much for me to do. I feel like I just need to get better at accepting the possibility that she might do this, and that it's not my fault if she does.

I think the broader dynamic here is really familiar. Our whole relationship, I have tried to "prove" that I love her and that I care about her. She has always set up situations or said things that made me feel like I have to X to prove to her that she matters to me, that I care about her, that I want to be with her, etc. Obviously, this is pretty textbook BPD stuff. Now, I feel like I need to prove that I care about her life by doing what she says I need to do in order to keep her alive. It's still about proving something to her, and proving it on her terms. I know that I care about her life. I know that I don't want her to die, despite how many times she tells me that I am trying to kill her or that I just want her to die. I don't. I know that. I feel like I need to stop trying to prove that to her based on her standards of proof.

If there are imminent threats that I am aware of, I think I will call the police. But the chronic suicidality she displays is not something I think a call to the police is likely to help. She has to want help, and right now, she doesn't, unless it is in the form of me coming home. 

[formflier]

If there are imminent threats that I am aware of, I think I will call the police. But the chronic suicidality she displays is not something I think a call to the police is likely to help. She has to want help, and right now, she doesn't, unless it is in the form of me coming home. 

What is "imminent"?

Is there any other mental health group that does wellness checks?

Do you respond to any of her emails?  Texts?

Switching gears.  Played around with Google voice anymore?

Best,

FF

[stolencrumbs]

Hey sc, I'm over here from Family Law. Commenting because I have a close friend whose ex-gf (dBPD) would threaten suicide AND not tell him where she was, unless he [X, Y, Z, A, B, C...]. So, some familiarity.

This fascinates me. She can "manage" to keep herself alive for two weeks so far. She's so desperate to kill herself that she's... waiting?

Looks like there is a way for her to have an "option to survive" without you living at home. She is undermining her own point.

She'll never "get it", of course.

You get it, though, right?

And I say this having read your previous posts about her plans, and with compassion for her as well. And for you.

Thanks kells. Yes, I do see that. And that is definitely part of what is so frustrating. There are always deadlines about when she is going to kill herself. And then they come and go. In just the last month or so, she was going to kill herself if I filed for divorce. I did and she didn't. Then it was when the papers were served. They were and she didn't. Now it's before the 30 day period she has to respond to the complaint. If the best predictor of the future is the past, that deadline will come and go as well. And there will be a new one. It does appear transparently manipulative, whether she is consciously aware of that or not. At the same time, I don't want to be cavalier about what she will or won't actually do. (Not that you're suggesting that.)

[stolencrumbs]

What is "imminent"?

Is there any other mental health group that does wellness checks?

Do you respond to any of her emails?  Texts?

Switching gears.  Played around with Google voice anymore?

Best,

FF

I guess I consider the threats to be imminent when she is telling me she is going to kill herself that night. When she has the pills out. When she is saying goodbye to things. The current "threats" are about killing herself in some unspecified time in the future.

There is a "crisis response unit" here. They have been to the house twice--once during the week she was emailing my family, my boss, etc. They talk to her for a while, she tells them whatever she tells them, and then they leave. But they are the better option for non-emergency situations. They usually respond within 24 hours. 

I have not been responding to the emails and texts. I just have no evidence that any response I've ever made makes an appreciable difference. I typically do respond to emails that are sent at a reasonable time and that have a clear question or at least a clear entry point for a conversation. Mostly, the emails are monologues.

I have not done more with the Google voice number. I did put my phone on silent the other night when I went to bed. That happened to be the night our 16 year old dog had a seizure. She called me 22 times. She now refuses to tell me anything about how the dog is doing because I "couldn't be bothered to pick up the phone."

[kells76]

If the best predictor of the future is the past, that deadline will come and go as well. And there will be a new one. It does appear transparently manipulative, whether she is consciously aware of that or not. At the same time, I don't want to be cavalier about what she will or won't actually do. (Not that you're suggesting that.)

We're definitely on the same page, I think, of holding two "conflicting" ideas about her at once: her threats are serious, and not serious, at the same time.

It's not nothing to threaten suicide.

And yet she has even severely escalated (the plan, the purchases) in the past, and not followed through.

I'm with you; whether she knows or "knows" or not, what's happening is manipulative.

And like you said earlier:

I just have no evidence that any response I've ever made makes an appreciable difference.

and

But I also see how doing that doesn't really help anything in any kind of long term way... I intellectually understand that I am not responsible for her life. But I can also imagine the guilt I will feel if she does kill herself and I'm left thinking that it wouldn't have happened if I had just spent some more time with her.

Our former housemate essentially drank himself to death. He hid it really well for a long time. I remember the day it finally happened. This was after weeks of health issues that he reframed as "dehydration" or "brain issues" or whatever. He'd even been hospitalized because he had a blackout seizure and was lucky enough it happened right when DH was there before leaving for work. I was headed home and saw him going into the house. I decided to keep going -- he was really emotionally needy and I didn't have the energy. When I got back a short time later he was dead.

Yes, in a way, he would have been alive if I had been there. It wouldn't have happened if I had just...

He didn't want any help. His counselor and his parents had both tried intervening.

I cannot control when God decides that a day is someone's last day.

I am grateful he did not lock himself in his room. I am grateful he was not alone on the street. I am grateful he did not hurt the kids.

And I dealt with the guilt for a while. Not forever.

That would be hard to be on the "front end" of that situation with that knowledge.

I can't imagine rewinding my life to know then what I know now, and then every day when I go home, feeling like I can't take time for myself, that I have to be there, because if he blacks out and starts to die, I have to be there to call 911 in time.

There is a "crisis response unit" here. They have been to the house twice--once during the week she was emailing my family, my boss, etc. They talk to her for a while, she tells them whatever she tells them, and then they leave. But they are the better option for non-emergency situations. They usually respond within 24 hours.

I hope you can keep letting them carry that.

[babyducks]

hello stolencrumbs,

thanks for taking the time to check in.    it is appreciated.

The daily dynamics have changed a bit. There are fewer late night emails, text, and phone calls. I have only seen her once in the past couple of weeks. That's been strange, but also nice to have some days and nights where I'm not managing a meltdown.

this is a process, and it is all pretty new so it is going to feel quite strange.   almost bizarre in places I assume.   I am glad to hear there are fewer late night emails, texts and phone calls.    it appears to me that you are/have been conditioned to respond and equally your wife has been conditioned to deliver in many ways.  "this is just what we do".     I would suggest you have been in the middle of this forest for so long you can't see the trees anymore.    it also appears that over time you've minimized how deeply abnormal this is.    trust me, this is deeply abnormal.   in the intensity of how verbally and emotionally violent this is, and for how long it has gone on.    I know you prefer to call what your wife does a "meltdown".   I see it differently.   to me, its profoundly cruel and horrifically damaging, both to your wife and yourself.   to me, the more/longer she is allowed to entertain and express these destructive thoughts and comments the more she damages herself.  and you.

It's been almost two weeks since she was served, so she has a little over two weeks left to respond to the divorce complaint.

what happens when she doesn't reply to the divorce complaint?

I am definitely struggling with feeling like I should be doing more for her.

I can see why you would struggle with that.   the more you do for her the less she will do for herself.    kells76 put it well in her post.   "he didn't want help".   your wife has had the opportunity to embrace help so many times I have lost count.   she doesn't want help.   she wants you to continue to accept responsibility  for her, magically fix all her problems, make the world right again.   you can not do that.   it keeps her stuck in her sickness when you try.   

for those of us who are care takers or codependent we are usually too willing to take on the burdens of other people.   I know I am.   its because (I think) we don't have strong emotional boundaries of our own.   we don't know where we start and some one else ends.    we feel the emotions of another as our own.  we empathize for another persons pain more than we do for our own.   its up to us to do the work of introspection to find and identify those traits and decide when we can employ them and when we absolutely shouldn't.

 

Our whole relationship, I have tried to "prove" that I love her and that I care about her.

I quite agree.    I see the same thing.    fix the house.   sell the house.  move back to the town where she was happy.   for a long time you were willing to comply.   to be that knight in shiny white armor that rode in to save the day.   that is a moving and satisfying role for those of us who like to contribute, who like to make things better.   its one of the deep regrets of my life that I was not able to contribute more to the lives of the people I care about.   I never view my participation in their lives as a meaningful contribution.   my just 'being there' doesn't feel like enough to me.    I want to do one thing more.     I'm wired that way.

I did put my phone on silent the other night when I went to bed. That happened to be the night our 16 year old dog had a seizure. She called me 22 times. She now refuses to tell me anything about how the dog is doing because I "couldn't be bothered to pick up the phone."

the cruelty of how she treats you, never fails but to punch me right in the gut.    I am very glad you put your phone on silent.    I assume she sent you video of the dog having the seizure so you know this actually took place and isn't just another punishing act on her part?    I do hope the dog is okay.    a couple of thoughts, she is alone with the dog, not because of your decisions/choices/actions but because of hers.  She is an adult and allegedly able to cope with a dog with a seizure.  "couldn't be bothered to pick up the phone" is such a line of crap, my mind boggles.    there are elements of both masochism and sadism in what she does.   she expresses that her life is full of such suffering that she can not survive another two weeks, or two months.   yet she will not take any action to reduce that suffering.  she will inflict her suffering on you.   I am thinking here about the "self defeating personality disorder" that drifted through the DSM but didn't stick.  over and over she rejects or renders ineffective the attempts of others to help.  and then she menaces and brutalizes you, not telling you how the dog is doing is pretty sadistic.

I just have no evidence that any response I've ever made makes an appreciable difference. 

I agree.   its a big step to be willing to change this dynamic.  its a big step to pull back and fill your life with other things.   I think its great that you are trying.    please let us know how things are going from time to time.   we do care.

'ducks

[Cat Familiar]

I agree with ‘ducks. You’ve been treated so poorly for such a long time that unconscionable behavior is normalized in your mind. You’ve come to tolerate extreme abuse and have tried to rescue your wife from herself. This has kept both of you stuck in a perpetual cycle, from which you are beginning to break free.

Of course it will feel uncomfortable and weird to not run to try and help her. But has she ever expressed appreciation for your help? Has she ever changed her behavior based upon your actions to alleviate her distress?

Has she ever considered your feelings and how her behavior has impacted you?

[Notwendy]

Hi SC, I just wanted to chime in from a different perspective. I don't deal with this in a relationship thankfully but have delt with this for decades as a child of someone with similar behaviors as your wife, and a partner who was linked as a co-dependent/enabler.

I felt very much like you do in the sense of proving myself to my parents as "good", thinking of how I can help my mother ( my only role, not ever considering that she's the parent and I was the child). Feeling responsible for her well being and mood ( and being blamed for it).

For decades I thought it was me, that I somehow had the ability to make things better. Yet, whenever I did do something nice for her, it became twisted into something wrong, she'd find something wrong with it, or me.

I didn't allow the constant phone calls but whenever I went anywhere with my father, she called constantly demanding to know where he was, asking him to do something. I recall this behavior as a teen where I might be at a friend's house and she'd demand I return home immediately. There wasn't anything particular I needed to do when I got there, I just had to obey her commands to be there for her immediately if she wanted me to.

Sadly, I understand the trashed house and suicide threats. I feel for you with that. I feel for my father who had to worry about that.

It was when my father got ill before he died that I could see just how much his constant attention helped to keep her stable- if you want to call it that because she isn't stable at all, but things escalated when he could no longer do that. She's now elderly and in a way has grown into the normal of needing constant assistance and supervision. She needed it when she was younger too, but it's "normal" for an elderly person to have people help her.

It's tough to watch her interact with her home health workers in a similar way to how she interacted with her family. No matter what they do, she finds something wrong with them or it, and soon they are out of a job because they are unable to satisfy her needs. Her needs are in many ways emotional and to meet them is an impossible job. I see them "failing" in a way that her children and my father failed as well. Because it isn't about them, or us, it's her projections and her mental perspective. Emotionally we are set up to be the ones to disappoint her, and it's not easy because, we do care about her, but we can't care or do enough.

I finally settled on doing as much as I possibly could without compromising my own mental well being, my own job, my own family. She may not like it, but I had to decide on my own self concept of trying to be a good person. I do try, I am not perfect, regardless of how she perceives me.

SC, I don't know what you decide but I hope you can recover your own self concept of who you are, not what your wife decides you are. These behaviors are part of her condition. It's not an easy situation. But whatever you do, please try to hold on to who you are, not what she says or thinks you are.

[I Am Redeemed]

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