Am I evil?

[Brook]

I’m thinking about stopping all contact (NC) with my uPBD sister. I’ve read so many books, watched so many videos, been in therapy for years and years and nothing ever changes. And I get that nothing ever will if my sister doesn’t get better, but she doesn’t even know how insane she is. She lives in another state, says she’s about to be homeless, and wants to come live with me. I’m terribly concerned about her, but I’m not going to take her in. She will destroy my peaceful, stable life with my husband and I’m not going to expose my young adult daughter to her abuse. She’s furious with me and claims if I were homeless she would take me into her home in a heartbeat. Well... I’m not homeless, but if I were, I wouldn’t turn to her for help. She was so vicious with me on the phone today and I kept thinking, “This is supposed to convince me to take you in?”

I don’t know what is going to happen to her. My mom, dad, and brother have all written her off. They don’t speak to her at all. I feel like I have no support and I’m so very tired. I’ve blocked her email and texts and I’m thinking about never unblocking her. Never having to read another book-length text or email about how horrible I am.

I feel so guilty for feeling the way, but at the same time, I want to be free. I’ve been dealing with her for 50 years. Am I evil for wanting nothing to do with her?

[JNChell]

It sounds like she’s not very good at taking care of herself. If you’d like to help her, maybe research homeless shelters or other places for folks that are struggling and send her the information.

No, you’re not evil. It would be one thing if she was constantly down and out, but was grateful, compassionate and respectful. Doesn’t sound like she has these traits. I think you’re right in not taking her in. It might be different if you didn’t have a family, but you do. Family first, as in the one that’s under your roof. A personality like that could upend what you have in very serious ways. Don’t do it.

[missing NC]

Brook,

I've probably been touting Bill Eddy's book It's All Your Fault: 12 Tips for Managing Others who Blame Others for Everything too much in previous posts...but I will one more time.  One of the scenarios he describes is almost identical to yours.  Not surprisingly he does not advocate allowing the disordered sibling to move in!  

I had been no contract with my sister for ten years after I refused to agree to withhold money from her children in the event of her death in order to continue harming her ex-husband.  During two previous splitting black episodes we had been no contact for four and six years.  My allowing her back into my life after a decade by letting my late elderly mother return to our home state was the biggest mistake of my life - one with tragic consequences for my mother, my brother, my son and me.    

If you feel like cutting your sister off is too harsh you can make continued contact contingent on her getting into treatment...which will most likely have the same effect. But that way the ball is in her court.  

An accident of shared DNA does not condemn you to a lifetime of mistreatment.  

[GeekyGirl]

Hi Brook,

I agree with JNChell--it sounds like your sister really isn't good at addressing her basic needs. It's perfectly understandable that you don't want to take her into your home.

This is tough, as from what you've written, you do care about her well-being, but you have your own needs (and so do your husband and daughter) and you have to take care of yourself. It doesn't sound like moving her in with you is the option that works best for your family.

What other options does she have to find a place to live? If there isn't anyone else in the family that's willing to help, is there a local United Way (or similar charitable organization) that can help her to get the help that she needs? Is she the member of any organization that might be willing to help? Now might be the time to suggest some options to her that would help keep your boundary (i.e. not moving her in with you) and help her situation.

[Brook]

I was feeling so down and depressed when I woke up this morning. But when I logged in, there were all of your messages of support and comfort. Thank you so much! It genuinely lifted my spirits to hear from each of you!

My sister has been claiming she’s going to be homeless for 2 years and I gather that, now, that it might actually happen. She quit a lucrative job of 10 years (about 4 years ago) because she said her boss was abusive. She hasn’t worked since and lately admitted that someone has been supporting her, but that they cut her off.

I’ve been researching sources for over a year about what to do if you think you’re about to be homeless and sending her texts with links, but she’s done nothing to help herself.

She says she is too weak and sick to take care of herself and that she can’t concentrate enough to fill out applications. Strange, because she seems to have enough energy and concentration to send me endless emails and texts full of hatred and hysteria.

I’ve offered to help her with the applications, I’ve said I will take a flight to help care for her after her surgery, but haven’t heard anymore about that either. I’ve encouraged her to check herself into a hospital because she feels suicidal. I told her she could have access to a psychiatrist and medication if she does that, but that didn’t go over well with her at all.

So I’m worried, depressed, angry, and feeling oh so guilty.

Thanks again for the support, kindness and comforting words, and thanks for the book recommendation, missing NC. I’m going to purchase that on my Kindle right now.

[Lucky83]

Your subject line jumped out at me, because it is so much like the question I often find myself asking when I think about my interactions with my sister (am I a terrible person?). So here is my answer, fwiw: You are not evil! The fact that you are still in contact, when others in your family have written her off, shows that you are a kind person. The fact that you have been looking up resources and sending information to her shows that you do care about her well-being. And the fact that you are drawing the line doesn’t change any of that. You need to be kind to yourself and take care of your own well-being, too.

[JNChell]

So I’m worried, depressed, angry, and feeling oh so guilty.

I understand what you’re saying, and I’m not trying to drill anything into the ground here, but it sounds like she is purposely trying to make you feel this way. FOG. Fear. Obligation. Guilt. It’s a toxic tool that manipulators use. You may be familiar with the term. It’s talked about here a lot.

You’ve given her reasonable options that include your time and energy and she turns her nose up. That looks like she is not able to self reflect in the least. Even if she walks away mad from your suggestions, most fairly reasonable people can think about it and return after they’ve cooled down to have a conversation about it and ask why you might think that she needs that kind of help. All I know about your situation is here, but if I had to a conclusion about it, I’d say that moving her in would be like pulling the pin on a hand grenade and rolling it in your front door. Sorry if that’s a bit much for an analogy.

Maybe social services can help? If she’s about to become homeless and isn’t well? I don’t know. My only experience with these disorders has been with my parents and S5’s mom. Regardless of the dynamic, it’s very hard to be close with a Cluster B.

[Panda39]

Hi Brook,

You are by no means evil by setting a boundary to protect you and your family.  Particularly with a child in the mix there is no way I would invite your sister into your home.

I'm also going to remind you that your sister is an adult and she is responsible for her own choices. Sometimes those choices are hard to watch, but sometimes all of us BPD or not, need to learn things the hard way.  She is choosing not to work, she is choosing not to follow up with the resources you have provided her, she is choosing to do nothing. There will be consequences to doing nothing and those consequences belong to her not you. 

My partner was worried about his ex not being able to take care of herself if he left the marriage, he mentioned this to his mom and she said that his uBPDxw was just like a cat, that she would land on her feet and guess what she did.  She had a bumpy ride, but always had a roof over her head, clothes on her back, and food in her belly.

I know the thought of your sister being homeless is hard and uncomfortable, but you have reached out in the ways that you can while protecting your family.  You've done the best you can, her choices with what to do with that is up to her.  You are responsible for you and she is responsible for her.

Panda39

[Brook]

Thanks, everyone, for your kind words. JNChell you are right about FOG and boy is it working. That’s what’s so hard. Intellectually, I know what she’s doing. Emotionally, I’m a basket case - second-guessing myself. Wondering if the things she said about me are true.

I’m sticking to my decision and now I have to live with it.

Panda39, you aren’t the first person to tell me she’ll land on her feet. My therapist said the exact same thing. I hope it’s true for my sister’s sake.

Lucky83, thank you for reminding me to take care of myself. I just posted that same message to a newbie on the site. So easy to give that advice, so hard to do it myself. Your words truly cheered me up. Thanks again.

[JNChell]

  Just be sure to hang with us. Keep us posted. Everything is going to work out just fine.

[Living Life]

Brook, you know in your heart that you are none of those evil things your sister accused you of being. You are a good kind soul, trying to help, but establishing your own, well deserved boundary. Do not let her into your home; she will make your life a living hell. She is rejecting your reasonable offers of help; that is about all you can do.

I use Wonder Woman as my go to icon; she is using her magic bracelets to fend off the evil being thrown at her. Be like Wonder Woman. This is a silly example of action, but after a while it really worked for me: I know that I am a good person and am NONE of the things I was accused of. Don't let her diatribes into your heart. Stay strong and keep your boundary.

[Methuen]

I’ve been researching sources for over a year about what to do if you think you’re about to be homeless and sending her texts with links, but she’s done nothing to help herself.

She says she is too weak and sick to take care of herself and that she can’t concentrate enough to fill out applications. Strange, because she seems to have enough energy and concentration to send me endless emails and texts full of hatred and hysteria.

I’ve offered to help her with the applications, I’ve said I will take a flight to help care for her after her surgery, but haven’t heard anymore about that either. I’ve encouraged her to check herself into a hospital because she feels suicidal.

I just want to chime in and say that you are thoughtful, well informed, and have done all the right things.  I can't remember which book I read the following from, but it was a recovered person with BPD saying it (I'm paraphrasing):  do not continuously rescue the person.  They need to experience the consequences of their choices. 

Like others here have said, she is going to FOG you.  It's part of the disease.  Stay strong and keep on your path.  She is also an adult who makes her own choices, regardless of what you think of them.  She gets to own those choices.  Let her. 

[Brook]

Methuen, I really, really, really needed to hear that. Thank you, thank you.