My own insecurities and narcissism

[JNChell]

I get really insecure when I post something, pay attention to it and realize that nothing is being said. Especially when I’m boiling about it. In a healthy situation I wouldn’t care. my insecurities might ask a question, but I’d be good in my skin. I ask a question. I get insecure when it isn’t answered. That’s a metaphor. Or, a child. Children move everything forward. They allow us happiness. We see ourselves in their eyes, especially when we have them. I haven’t seen my Son for a month and a half. I’m starting to feel very sad about not seeing my child. He’s 5. I’m 43.

[once removed]

whats happened that you havent seen your son?

[JNChell]

I ran my mouth too much. She kept him. Had a welfare check performed. Now she’s really keeping him.

[JNChell]

There are things in place that we’re supposed to do. Things that sometimes follow the guidelines of a court that haven’t a clue of what is happening. I refuse to keep my mouth shut or be quiet when it comes to my Son. Perhaps that’s against the grain, but I’m scared of losing my boy, and this norm isn’t reassuring. I won’t be quiet to his mom about it. I shouldn’t have to. Does that make me entitled? Does saying I’m not entitled make me irresponsible? I don’t believe so. My boy needs me and I need him. I’m pissed and sad. ForeverDad said that if they threaten it, they’ll eventually do it. So be it. I won’t shut my mouth.

[I Am Redeemed]

JNChell,

I understand wanting to protect your son. You need to do this in a smart way, not an emotionally reactive way.

It does no good to keep pounding on a brick wall. Communication requires a "sender" and a "receiver". If the "receiver" can not interpret your message the way in which you intended, the communication is pointless. It is the responsibility of the "sender" to choose the best medium through which to convey the message.

If you were trying to post here, but the internet kept going out and your messages were not getting posted, would you keep trying to type out a response knowing the internet was down and the message would not post to the boards?

It will be more productive for you (and better for your son) if you can let go of what you "should" or "should not" have to do and figure out instead what you can do that will be most effective for the best outcome.

[pursuingJoy]

I get really insecure when I post something, pay attention to it and realize that nothing is being said.

It can be nerve-wracking to not get a response, especially when I feel vulnerable. Other social media forums allow for faster validation. Even a quick 'like' will at least make me feel like someone cared. When a post or question here goes without response, I retreat and start asking why. It's helped to tap into a version of wisemind and center myself. People are busy. Sometimes I have to keep asking for feedback.

I haven’t seen my Son for a month and a half. I’m starting to feel very sad about not seeing my child.

Missing a kid is pretty painful.  Love what IAR shared about being smart, not reactive. You're in this for the long haul. Think about what you want with your son long term and work towards that.

[RestlessWanderer]

I know what you mean by feeling insecure when I'm not getting responses to my posts. I try to reassure myself by thinking about how my post could get pushed down and get buried in the feed. I think people are more likely to read the newest posts and/or threads that they have commented in. Sometimes I read a post, but due to the constant storm at home I feel that at that moment I don't have anything to contribute. I rely on this forum to validate my experiences since I don't personally know anyone that has been through anything like this. I can't call my therapist every time I feel in crisis, so I post here just to get it out. Sometimes that's enough to help me begin to process a situation and find a way to be honest with myself about my actions too.

As a father going through a very rough marriage to someone who I suspect has BPD, I fear that she would find a way to manipulate the courts and keep our 7YO son. So I try my hardest to be calm and keep from making things worse since I haven't figured out how to make things better (which I accepting that probably won't happen). But, I am human and I get so frustrated with the madness that persists. And I have to swallow my pride and not try to correct every situation or dispute every false statement/exaggeration, as hard as that can be. But being with my son is more important to me than proving that I'm right.

I hope that you find a way to repair that situation and see your son again. It breaks my heart to think about not being able to see my son, especially after the death of my 3YO son 10 months ago. I can only reiterate what Joy and Redeemed posted about being smart and not reactive. That is the only path that will lead you to seeing your son the right way.

[JNChell]

Thank you both. Childress says to shut up. Klein out of Utah says to be vocal. The advice here follows Childress’ advice. I believe in having a voice and making it be heard when it comes to my Son. I see nothing wrong with that. I won’t shut up when it comes to him. I will nag his mother. I will continue to tell her that she is abusing our Son. To hell with these courts and hired lawyers that have to win because they’re being paid to represent. I’m not going to play a game. For one, I can’t win it. 2. It’s about a child. Nobody wins. 3. A lot of attorneys understand what Cluster B is. The courts don’t because of arrogance and what is written into law. When psychology and the courts finally meet, Ill start to pay real attention.

Two paid and hired people to win regardless of what is best is a  storm from the start. There is no care for a child within that scenario.

[JNChell]

Hey RestlessWandere

What’s the constant storm at home? You know, it’s not that I feel pushed aside here, it’s just the familiar feeling of it. You know what, that’s just me  :cursing:ing my way through something. When I’m bouncing my knee at waiting for a response, that’s me being insecure and unsure of myself.

[RestlessWanderer]

JNChell, by “constant storm” I’m referring to how frequently I’m trying to figure out how to handle my uBPDw. It’s a struggle for me to understand why she gets set off so easily. She does a great job of planting seeds of doubt in my head that make me question whether or not there’s any truth to what she’s saying.
That’s what I appreciate about this forum. People will call me out if I’m doing things that don’t help improve my situation. I come to rely on responses to my posts to help me sort out all the f$&@d up things I hear from my wife.
But in the time after I post and wait for a response my wheels start turning and I let my insecurities affect how I’m feeling.

[pursuingJoy]

Childress says to shut up. Klein out of Utah says to be vocal.

There's a time for both. It's about playing a smart game and using the tools at your disposal. The goal is to maintain a long-term relationship with your son. If you are emotional, you are easily manipulated. During our divorce and for years after, my exH made the mistake of focusing on me as the issue. Anything I touched set him off. It made him very predictable.

What you're going through was one of the toughest times of my life. I made mistakes. Just offering my two cents and what I know having been through it. 

[JNChell]

Thank you for the advice pJ. I’m an angry fellow. It leaks out.

[JNChell]

Restless, nobody is here to call you out. We’re all working. The rabbit hole that stems from gaslighting is a very hard thing to deal with. I would’ve cussed throughout that entire sentence, but we try to be civil here. It’s a good policy.

I think that it might be healthy for you to stop trying to understand your uBPDw, and start seeing things for what they are. She isn’t going to change. It’s too late for her. We can go into specifics, but it’s too late for her. However, it is not too late for you. This is the hardest part. Paying attention to ourselves. I’ll leave it there.