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Author Topic: Potential Consequences for Not Following Order?  (Read 993 times)
mama-wolf
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« Reply #30 on: October 01, 2020, 11:33:43 AM »

Can you expand on your concern.

I like the way you put it, FF.  I just haven't experienced any commitment from uBPDxw's team to hold her accountable for doing "a, b, and c" or not doing "x, y, and z."  The history so far is that the Family T has advised specific actions, which uBPDxw does sometimes, or half-heartedly...or which she refrains from doing somewhat until she's frustrated enough.  She usually resents that she has to do these things, and there is little accountability when she "forgets" or flat-out decides not to comply anymore because she doesn't think she should have to.

I get that when talking about uBPDxw's "team" we're also talking about her T and psychiatrist, but I'm not privy to what communications they have with the Family T, or agreements they come to in order to support and promote the behavior being recommended.  From what I do know, I get the sense it's basically "uBPDxw's impulsivity is off the charts and she's never going to let go of her resentment, so we're just doing the best we can."

So, yes...I do agree that there should be some writing from D11's team to say these behaviors should be done, or should not be done, before uBPDxw has anything more to do with D11.  BUT, assuming that happens and uBPDxw agrees to it (I guarantee you under duress), then it doesn't solve the problem of what to do when she stops complying.  I don't know that we're going to be able to get this sort of thing into a custody order to make it binding in the way it would need to be, meaning I would still struggle to roll that contact back before things escalate to the point of relapse and further hospitalization for D11.  I could be wrong, but that's a very strong fear of mine.

mw
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formflier
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« Reply #31 on: October 01, 2020, 12:26:51 PM »

 I don't know that we're going to be able to get this sort of thing into a custody order to make it binding in the way it would need to be, meaning I would still struggle to roll that contact back before things escalate to the point of relapse and further hospitalization for D11.  I could be wrong, but that's a very strong fear of mine.

Hey...I'm on your side and I think it possible that two separate (yet interrelated on some level) fears are being mixed too strongly or too much.

There is fear of your ex not complying (very valid and I would agree with you there is little chance she wil)...

There is fear that D11 will end up hospitalized again (perhaps due to ex's actions).  Ugg...how many times has she been hospitalized?  I've had kids in the hospital with very concerned doctors and unclear prognosis and all that..."fear" and "scary" really are not sufficient to describe it.  Something more like "my world is about to end" kinda gets close.

I'm so sorry... Virtual hug (click to insert in post) Virtual hug (click to insert in post) Virtual hug (click to insert in post) Virtual hug (click to insert in post)

And I do want to better understand the course of ED so far...I'm kinda aware but not in a detailed way, certainly not with the detailed way I understand how "contrary" your ex has been.

OK...pivot with me.

I hope I'm wrong.  

Here's how I think this plays out

You document, your ex doesn't comply...that is now evidence to further restrict your ex or potentially terminate custody...perhaps supervised visits.

The key is that there is lots of documentation from D11s team saying what she needs and doesn't need.  Then the documentation or lack of (from your ex) will speak volumes (I think) to those making custody decisions.

Best,

FF
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ForeverDad
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« Reply #32 on: October 09, 2020, 02:46:22 PM »

Do you think the family therapist is helping the situation?  My SD13 is about to start family therapy with her mom.  When I interviewed the therapist, she said that if the parent is unwilling or unable to make the changes the child needs, there's a point at which she will recommend discontinuing therapy.  I wonder whether your family T is ever willing to make that call.

Several years ago, I had gained custody by then, I took my pre-teen son to a recommended counselor on the other side of town.  After I recounted the last few years, I asked whether mother should also bring him — yes, I was still trying to be "fair" — she look so shocked and said, No!

Bringing a disordered parent into a child's own counseling is typically not a good idea and in my estimation not to be encouraged.  Especially if the counselor or therapist is not up to the task/challenge.
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