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VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?" Parental alienation is when a parent allows a child to participate or hear them degrade the other parent. This is not uncommon in divorces and the children often adjust. In severe cases, however, it can be devastating to the child. This video provides a helpful overview.
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Author Topic: Arrest made on exbph  (Read 525 times)
Frankee
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« on: August 28, 2020, 04:20:54 PM »

I had a thread going about my exbph and kids with a PO.  He was arrested on Aug 13th.  I finally got a call back from the officer and I am left confused.  The detective told me that the courts picked up charges for Jan 29th incident, but not on the June 15th incident.  They kept telling me he was arrested in June for the Jan 29th incident and arrested in August for the June incident, but only was charged for the Jan 29th.  The only issue is he never said anything about being arrested in june and I would of heard about it from him and I can't find anything about him being arrested in June, only August.

If anyone else is confused, this is where I am at.  It sounds like he was charged with the incident on Jan 29th.  There is an open court case, but no future court date I could find.  He set bond at 2500.  I guess that means they are pressing charges. 

Meanwhile, I don't have any legal representation because I haven't established residency in my current county.  I have a PO in process, but it may take another month or two.  I have been trying to get an apartment, but having hurdles to deal with.  He has phone calls with the two boys and S9 has been taking the phone off speaker so I can't listen in and I haven't been able to find a good recorder to record actual phone calls.

My classes are about to start, the school was closed for the hurricane, classes pick up next week for the boys.  I had almost another anxiety attack a few days ago where it felt like a d@mn heartattack, I wasn't feeling well with a headache and coughing up phlegm, my mom just got out of the hospital but still has oxygen tanks and has to quarantine.

I am feeling defeated today.  They don't make it easy for people to navigate the court or police system.  I couldn't do anything with the schools or courts or police for the last few days, now it's the weekend and I feel like it's just more time I have to wait to figure stuff out.
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« Reply #1 on: August 29, 2020, 05:20:18 PM »

Wow, do you have a lot on your shoulders or what? It won’t always be this extreme.

I’m so glad your mom is better. And the hurricane missed your area?

Maybe you’ll feel like you can catch your breath again when the boys start school.

Since there’s nothing you can do over the weekend to work on some of these issues, what can you do for self care so you’ll feel rested and recharged on Monday?

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« Reply #2 on: August 30, 2020, 10:37:38 AM »



Meanwhile, I don't have any legal representation because I haven't established residency in my current county.  

Is it possible to do this using the shelter or another address?

Can you get a box at a ups store (which will show up as a physical address) and use that for your "place"?

I'm not asking if it's recommended or " a good idea", just asking if it's "possible".

Best,

FF
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« Reply #3 on: August 30, 2020, 03:06:37 PM »

Residency may have two aspects.  Where you live can be residency, that may be the issue here.

The other aspect is residency as regards custody issues.  Typically if changing states then you need to reside in a state for six months before you can file there.  At least, I assume it applies when there is no existing order and you change states and not counties.  That was made a law across states to parents everywhere would have equal status to courts.

That's not the only factor, but is one of the basic ones.  There can be a variety of other considerations, generally concerning what is in the best interests of the children.
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« Reply #4 on: August 30, 2020, 03:14:15 PM »


Hey...one thing that I may have missed in earlier threads.

Why is it taking a couple of months to get a PO?  Is it COVID stuff and the courts?  (that's my assumption...but man, you would think for something as important as a PO they could find a way to expedite)

Best,

FF
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« Reply #5 on: September 02, 2020, 02:02:56 PM »

I got some good news yesterday.  I got a call from the worker next to the shelter about rehousing program.  I have an appointment on Tuesday at 9:30 to do an intake.  She is going to get more information on the program grant to see exactly what it is.  I told her I have been working with a nice apartment complex a few towns over that accepts low income housing.  I'm a trying not to get too excited, but I am hoping that it's good news.

I’m so glad your mom is better. And the hurricane missed your area?

Maybe you’ll feel like you can catch your breath again when the boys start school.

Since there’s nothing you can do over the weekend to work on some of these issues, what can you do for self care so you’ll feel rested and recharged on Monday?
We were all cleared from hurricane luckily.  It's been different with the boys going to school.  They are doing remote learning so I have to constantly check their work, to make sure it's getting submitted.  S4's teacher wants them to do little groups starting next week to get them accumulated to going to school.  I'm going to try to make it work with my schedule.  I spoke with my counselor today and I am feeling better.  I'm going to stop stressing so much about what's going on with the arrest.
Is it possible to do this using the shelter or another address?

Can you get a box at a ups store (which will show up as a physical address) and use that for your "place"?

I'm not asking if it's recommended or " a good idea", just asking if it's "possible".
The legal assistance knows I was staying in the shelter when they contacted me and I reiterated that I was looking for housing.  They kept telling me I have to establish a place of living in order to receive services.
Why is it taking a couple of months to get a PO?  Is it COVID stuff and the courts?  (that's my assumption...but man, you would think for something as important as a PO they could find a way to expedite)
I've reached out to the DA and waiting on a response.  I've come up with all different assumptions, but none of them are validated.  I'm read articles and researched courts.  I am highly suspect that it has something to do with COVID and the rise in domestic violence cases.  I am wondering if the courts are having trouble keeping up with all the reports and cases.
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« Reply #6 on: September 06, 2020, 01:55:26 PM »

I'm not sure what is going on with the court system.  I have been gone from him for almost 2 1/2 months and I feel I have just been standing still with the entire legal process.  I have been reading articles and created a secondary social media (without any personal info) account to join domestic violence groups.  I keep hearing about other women and what they are going through.  I see some women posting pictures of the destruction, the injuries, all the proof they have.  They are still having to wait for the courts.  They are still waiting for the protective orders and have nowhere to go.  It's discouraging but helpful at the same time.  This woman got stabbed multiple times in the hand and he ex spent only 90 days in jail and now he's out.  It's terrifying, but it also prepares me to stay vigilant. 

S9 told me he hates me and wishes I was dead.  We got into a fight over S4 wanting to do everything he does.  I ended up losing my cool and turning off the light and shutting the bathroom door when he wouldn't come out.  He freaked out and when I opened the door, he screamed he hates me.  Then tells me he wants to go stay with daddy.  I screamed back, oh yeah.. cause he's such a great guy, it's why we're here!   ....Not my proudest parenting moment.  It pains me to even type it out.  I know I reacted very poorly.  I don't want to admit I acted that way, but I am hoping that others reading this will not feel alone in their less than proud parent moments.  Once we stopped, he stormed off.  I almost broke down crying.  I peeked around the corner, sighed and went to sit down next to him.  I apologized for my behavior, for screaming at him and shutting the door on him.  Told him I know this is a big change and is difficult for them at times.  That mom and dad are having real issues and that they shouldn't suffer for it.  He gave me a hug and we made up.  Then S4 gave him a hug.

The day before, S4 was sitting on my bed.  He looks at me and says.. Daddy broke his heart.  I asked what?  He repeated.  I just looked at him and sighed.  I didn't know what to say.  Then S4 says.. Daddy broke your heart.  I asked again, what?  He repeated himself.  I told S4 that mommy's heart is okay.

Between exbph blasting on social media about his trip to see his family (that he's never had anything to do with), my boys saying this stuff to me, my parents halfway across the US.. I'm starting to feel the weight of being alone.  I'm am dealing with everything.  I have support from my parents.. but I haven't burdened them lately because of my mom.  I have a good friend and she's been great, but I never get to see her because we are both so busy.  Even at work, my coworker was out for three weeks and I busted my ass holding the office together, now she's back and she's getting the hours.  I feel being pushed aside at work now.

I have been holding it together relatively well for the most part.  I know this is just a dip down kind of day.  I hate days like this.  I feel that I am struggling to focus and try to work on things.  I feel I am in a better place all around, but just a not so great day.
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« Reply #7 on: September 06, 2020, 04:17:20 PM »

This is rough on all of you, Frankee  Virtual hug (click to insert in post)

I've had plenty of "not proud" parent moments. It's hard when you're balancing so much on your plate. I'm glad you were able to talk to S9 and make up. I think it goes a long way for a kid when we admit that we messed up as parents and apologize.

The court situation is frustrating. Sometimes I think that the court processes and the sheer lack of adequate support for dv victims out there makes the rate of return to dv r/s so much higher. Yes, there are services, but many times they are trying to serve a large number of clients and are limited to what they can provide, not to mention that there is still a long way to go in terms of meeting the various needs of dv victims. I found the dv services in my area seriously lacking the first couple of times I went to them. It's gotten better and they have done a lot to improve, but it still isn't where it needs to be.

I totally get the feeling of being alone. I'm basically alone myself, still, after nearly three years of being away from him. I don't have any family support and I don't really have time for doing much with friends because of work, school, and S4. It's hard, and some days I get really down about it, but I just keep going because it's better than where I was three years ago or five years ago or ten years ago.

Posting here reminds me I do have people out there to talk to, even if I can't see them. I hope it helps you, too, to be reminded that we are here. Virtual hug (click to insert in post)

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« Reply #8 on: September 06, 2020, 04:38:18 PM »

I think it goes a long way for a kid when we admit that we messed up as parents and apologize.

The court situation is frustrating. Sometimes I think that the court processes and the sheer lack of adequate support for dv victims out there makes the rate of return to dv r/s so much higher.

I totally get the feeling of being alone. I'm basically alone myself, still, after nearly three years of being away from him. I don't have any family support and I don't really have time for doing much with friends because of work, school, and S4. It's hard, and some days I get really down about it, but I just keep going because it's better than where I was three years ago or five years ago or ten years ago.

Posting here reminds me I do have people out there to talk to, even if I can't see them. I hope it helps you, too, to be reminded that we are here. Virtual hug (click to insert in post)
I guess I just hard on myself sometimes.  I keep expecting to be healed and this great mom and have it all together.. I just know that no matters what happens, I am done.  I would rather have my son and I knock heads from time to time like that then ever go back. 

I keep looking into the future.  I know at some point there will be visitations set.  What I see happening.. I will be the boys primary caregiver.  I will be doing all the hard stuff and trying to hold my own stuff together.  He'll be shined as a great fun dad.  Why?  Because they will only be with him one or two days at a time.  He will have plenty of prep time to put on his show that he is this wonderful loving person.  While me.. sitting here, dealing with all the bs that I've always dealt with.

I don't have back up.  There are times where they wouldn't listen to me, only him.  I know why.  They were scared of him.  Now when they don't listen.. I have to dig down deep to find the ability to get them to listen.. and it's really hard sometimes.  This morning was hard.  I'm trying to remind myself that even though I am their mother and I need to be strong.. I'm also human who is trying to make some serious life altering changes.

This forum has been such a wonderful place of support and feedback.  It has saved my sanity.
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« Reply #9 on: September 06, 2020, 04:59:28 PM »

I guess I just hard on myself sometimes.  I keep expecting to be healed and this great mom and have it all together..

Hey, me too! It will come, but probably at a much slower evolving pace than you think it should. I'm not "there" yet, not the way I envision it in my mind. But I've made progress, and still am, and so will you.

You might reach out to the shelter and ask if they have any resources for moms dealing with kids who have come out of dv situations. Or try the local child abuse center, sometimes they have resources for these kinds of situations. It may be too much for you right now, but I would suggest also seeking out a therapist who works with young children. I've got some names of people right now that I am about to contact for play therapy for S4. He's got some behavioral and anger issues which I believe is a lingering effect of the chaos he lived in until he was almost two, and also because his dad is so low-functioning and dangerous that he hasn't had contact in nearly two years. His dad has had opportunities to go to court and get visitation set up, but he prefers to stay drug addicted and unstable and blame me for taking his son from him. S4 still remembers his dad, though, and will say that he misses him, so I am planning to get him into counseling to help him deal with some of the big feelings that he is feeling.

It can be traumatic for kids to live in a household with DV. Even if they don't directly witness it, it can affect them deeply, and one thing I learned from parenting classes (from the local child abuse center) is that the younger a child is, the more they are affected. We may think that babies and young children don't understand what is going on and may not remember, but the trauma affects them.
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« Reply #10 on: September 07, 2020, 03:05:09 PM »

I had my share of not proud parent moments.  You did the right thing in apologizing for them.

Surprisingly to me, my kids don't remember most of my not-proud moments.  They do remember that mom admits to being wrong and makes amends - apologies, explanations of why I did it and how I will stop myself from doing that again.

My therapist told me once that it is okay that my kids yell at me that they hate me.  It means they trust that I will love them even if they express huge levels of anger and upset.  It can be hard to hear, so I turned it around on them.  "It's okay if you hate me.  I will love you no matter what."  In the short term, this made them even madder, but in the long term they were soothed by it and stopped saying those things as often.
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« Reply #11 on: September 07, 2020, 04:28:19 PM »

My therapist told me once that it is okay that my kids yell at me that they hate me.  It means they trust that I will love them even if they express huge levels of anger and upset.

That is a major point in Richard Warshak's Divorce Poison, that the less controlling and more trusted parent can get a lot of pushback that they wouldn't dare to do to the controller.
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« Reply #12 on: September 08, 2020, 07:23:08 AM »

I think it would be a good idea to gets the boys into some kind of therapy.  Even S4 has his moments.  I've been chalking it up to be a 4 year old, but I'm starting to see he is mimicking his older brother at times.

My therapist told me once that it is okay that my kids yell at me that they hate me.  It means they trust that I will love them even if they express huge levels of anger and upset.  It can be hard to hear, so I turned it around on them.  "It's okay if you hate me.  I will love you no matter what."  In the short term, this made them even madder, but in the long term they were soothed by it and stopped saying those things as often.
This right here.  It makes me think of my exbph.  Acting like a child.  I think his mentality was exactly like this.  Only thing was, he took it to a completely different level.  He really did expect me to stick around and "fix it".  I remember talking to my friend and I told her.. if my kids hate me, I must be doing something right.  It's hard to hear him say that, even if he doesn't mean it.  I also know I'm not his friend, I'm his mom.  I need to give him the structure and guidance, he doesn't want.  He would rather have me let him play videos games all day.
That is a major point in Richard Warshak's Divorce Poison, that the less controlling and more trusted parent can get a lot of pushback that they wouldn't dare to do to the controller.
I keep trying to remind myself of this.  I know that his behavior towards me isn't something he does to exbph.  I still remember the day that exbph flipped out and was hollering at S9 saying.. don't you love Daddy?  Why don't you love Daddy?  Making S9 cower and cry terribly in the corner.  Me trying to get exbph to stop.  Don't remember when it happened, I just remember the incident. 

It's nice and hard knowing this behavior is probably because he trusts me more and can be more open. Means I get to deal with the hard stuff, but also letting him express it in a safe environment.
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« Reply #13 on: September 11, 2020, 09:42:11 PM »

I received papers in the mail from the DA.  They sent me a bunch of paperwork for victims compensation and I can fill out some paperwork that will allow me to get updates about the court hearing.  It is assault causing bodily injury to a family member.  It names me the victim.  It's scary and intimidating.  I don't know if I have to go to any hearings yet.  They haven't even had the first court date yet.  Going on 7 months since the actual incident.
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« Reply #14 on: September 11, 2020, 10:09:43 PM »

Why is it scary and intimidating?
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« Reply #15 on: September 11, 2020, 11:26:43 PM »

Why is it scary and intimidating?
Never dealt with this before and I am worried I am going to have to testify or be involved in it.
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« Reply #16 on: September 12, 2020, 08:34:27 AM »


Hey Frankee,

If they called you up and said, he we need you to testify on this date...how would you feel?  What do you think you would do?

Best,

FF
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« Reply #17 on: September 12, 2020, 08:56:43 AM »

If they called you up and said, he we need you to testify on this date...how would you feel?  What do you think you would do?
I would probably be shaking from nerves.  I would have that inner voice telling me to stay strong and speak the truth.  I would probably try hard to keep my emotions from running crazy.

It's been 7 months since the incident, almost 3 months since I left him.  My mind has been trying so hard to move on, let go, be happy, not have so much anger.  It took them 6 months to arrest him.  It's taking 3-4 months for the protective order.  A lot can happen in those time frames. 

He hasn't been acting crazy or being angry or threatening.  He's doing the exact opposite and it's beyond infuriating.  By the time he goes to court, he's going to have so much practice be this "nice" guy, I'm starting to wonder how the courts will see him.
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« Reply #18 on: September 12, 2020, 10:07:25 AM »

Think of it this way: if you testify and are nervous and shaking, but trying your best to answer questions truthfully, that in itself would lead one to believe that you were indeed seriously harmed by this man, whether or not he's able to put on the smiling, friendly nice guy act.
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« Reply #19 on: September 16, 2020, 01:09:28 PM »

SOS

I snapped.  I went flying off the handles.  I broke, I screamed, I cussed.. all over text.  I haven't been feeling well and under so much pressure.  I exploded.  I reacted very poorly.  I fell over the edge.  He texted and a part where he said that me running away was part of who I am.. I just lost it.  My text below..

Part of who I am?  Are you fuc$%& kidding me?  I don't run away from my problems, but you d@mn well better believe I will run away from an abusive situation.  And yes, I will call it abuse because that what is fuc$%& was!  So you can shove your analogy and keep them to yourself.  You are the only human being  who has ever hit me, put me in the hospital, gave me a black eye, beat the $hit out of me and all did it while you said you loved me.  So fuc$%& you.  You are an abusive tw@t and I hate you for ever doing any of it to me.  You can take your small talk and shove it up your a$$

I know.. I know.. this was a very bad thing.  Doesn't make me feel any better.  I'm angry, hurt, resentful.  Trying to move on and I feel like he keeps throwing his hooks, trying to bring me back in.  I got so angry.  Please.. don't be too mean with telling me how bad I messed up.
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« Reply #20 on: September 16, 2020, 01:43:25 PM »

Why do you think you messed up so badly?

I think you are being too hard on yourself.  You told an abusive POS that he is an abusive POS.

You also figured out that your temper has a breaking point.  Usually we lose our temper when we let our boundaries get crossed too much - when we fail to protect ourselves, either physically or emotionally.  So now you get to do the work to figure out which of your boundaries got crossed.  Then we can help you brainstorm ways to protect yourself next time.


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« Reply #21 on: September 16, 2020, 01:47:44 PM »

I read your post another time, and really - I wish EVERY single abused person could have a safe way to say exactly those things to their abuser at least once.

Read those words out loud.  How does it feel, deep inside, when you say them -when you stand up for yourself, for your worth, and you draw a line in the sand that you will not believe his lies about you anymore?

To me, this sounds like a coming out statement.  An I-will-not-be-defined-by-you-I-am-my-own-person moment. 
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« Reply #22 on: September 16, 2020, 01:51:25 PM »

Why do you think you messed up so badly?

I think you are being too hard on yourself.  You told an abusive POS that he is an abusive POS.

You also figured out that your temper has a breaking point.  Usually we lose our temper when we let our boundaries get crossed too much - when we fail to protect ourselves, either physically or emotionally.  So now you get to do the work to figure out which of your boundaries got crossed.  Then we can help you brainstorm ways to protect yourself next time.
Thank you.  I really appreciate that.  I guess I was being hard on myself because I let him get to me.  I could of easily ignored the texts, I could of put my phone on silent and away.  I had been doing so good.  I've been stressed out.  I haven't been sleeping well because of congestion with sinuses, I'm about to move, I'm starting a new job, I have a test and assignment due in next two days, I've been so tired because I haven't slept well, and I have to drive so far every day just to make sure life keeps moving.  I've been in the shelter 3 months and I am finally seeing changes, but I feel I'm about to be crushed under all these changes and stressors happening at once.  I'm having to make these life altering changes, not just myself and my two boys and I am trying so hard not to make the wrong steps.  I've made so many and I want to find just a little peace.
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« Reply #23 on: September 16, 2020, 01:57:15 PM »

I read your post another time, and really - I wish EVERY single abused person could have a safe way to say exactly those things to their abuser at least once.

Read those words out loud.  How does it feel, deep inside, when you say them -when you stand up for yourself, for your worth, and you draw a line in the sand that you will not believe his lies about you anymore?

To me, this sounds like a coming out statement.  An I-will-not-be-defined-by-you-I-am-my-own-person moment. 
That made my day and smile.   Virtual hug (click to insert in post)  I have to admit, I was shaking after I typed it and I had to sit here for awhile because I felt this instant overwhelming feeling of.. what did I just do..  Then all these other doubts came rushing in about my life choices.  It was a very uncomfortable unsettling feeling I was dealing with.
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« Reply #24 on: September 16, 2020, 02:09:26 PM »

I found out the first hearing date for his arrest is October 30th.  I read the records.  They have the stupid date wrong.  I don't know what schmuck typed up the court report, but they put February 28th when it happened on January 29th.  Idiots.
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« Reply #25 on: September 16, 2020, 02:34:45 PM »

I think you are being too hard on yourself.  You told an abusive POS that he is an abusive POS.

You also figured out that your temper has a breaking point.

I agree, you did no serious harm to yourself or your case.  We are always advising extreme caution in replies or posts since often we can't predict in advance what parts of our vents might have gone too far and sabotaged ourselves.  In this instance, let your alarm be focused not on consequences but on how to avoid your ex triggering you and you losing your compose.

It's also a reminder on our age-old wisdom tidbits:  Once the relationship is over, limit all responses to only necessary parenting matters or required legal matters.  Nothing more.  Nothing! Virtual hug (click to insert in post)

As for the court paperwork, was it a summary or later date mistake?  Or was it a core source document?  Your lawyer could assess whether that needs to be corrected sooner or can wait to be addressed at the hearing.  Sadly, I also was proofreading my own court papers, mostly the errors I found never became major faults.  We're remote and can't review your documents, so we leave it to your lawyer or advocate to assist you in determining how critical a wrong date might be.
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« Reply #26 on: September 16, 2020, 05:48:38 PM »

I felt this instant overwhelming feeling of.. what did I just do..  Then all these other doubts came rushing in about my life choices.  It was a very uncomfortable unsettling feeling I was dealing with.

You're used to believing the lies he says about you, and when you dared to stand up for yourself, it upended the foundation that your brain is used to using.  It's going to be uncomfortable and weird for a while, and you will have doubts.  You're retraining yourself how to make good decisions, and it's okay to second guess yourself and be hypervigilant for a while.  It will take time before you prove to yourself that you can trust yourself.  That's part of the healing process.

My recommendations for you are:
Step 1 - Self-care.  You've got a lot of really stressful things on your plate.  Do something nice for yourself.
Step 2 - Make a plan for what you will do the next time he tries to push your buttons so that you don't respond.  Hide the phone under a pillow?  Handwrite your comebacks and then rip the paper into tiny pieces?  Write in a journal?  Go for a walk?  Go outside and scream really loudly?

(During my divorce, I made rules for myself.  I could not think of my ex in any way while I was in certain rooms of the house.  If I needed to contact him, I had to get up and go to the kitchen to text or call.  If I started ruminating, I had to exercise.  Go for a walk/work in the yard/do jumping jacks or pushups.  I was in TERRIFIC shape by the time the divorce was final!)

Step 3 - Think about / talk to your therapist about whether you need stronger boundaries around communication and how you might enforce those.  It might be time to move to a parenting app, where you can still communicate freely but not have to do it immediately.





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You can't reason with the Voice of Unreason...


« Reply #27 on: September 16, 2020, 10:33:51 PM »

I like that last point, take time to ponder any response or reply.  That way you can ponder it from every angle and later, after the impact of the moment is past, you'll be more confident with what and how you communicate.
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« Reply #28 on: September 16, 2020, 11:50:20 PM »

Frankee, I’ve followed your story along the way. I don’t have advice, but it’s great to see you staking your claim and moving forward. It’s inspirational. You took a big leap. It’s a new adventure that you are now in control of. As it continues, don’t forget to pat yourself on the back. You’re doing so well. Be proud of yourself.
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« Reply #29 on: September 17, 2020, 05:57:51 AM »


While I wouldn't recommend continuing to text things like that, I also don't believe it did any harm to your case or your future.

I'd be insanely curious to know how he "really" took it, but I understand we'll never know that.

I think you should directly ask about the date you see in the court documents that look odd to you.

"Hey...help me understand what that date means, I can't figure it out.  The assault happened on x and the y happened on z.  It appears the document says a happened on b, but it didn't...it happened on c."

Best,

FF
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