Hi Nyena,
That's a lot to juggle, and still have a life. Not many people the responsibility you are shouldering right now.
I'm glad to hear you have a T, an aunt who "gets it" (she bought you the Eggshell book), and a college education you are working on.
I pretty much live with my mom there is always something going on and I need to be at her house to help.
You mention your siblings have moved away. Your mom and dad are adults right? As adults, they get to make their own choices even if you think they are bad ones.
It's not possible to stop another person from making poor choices (including hurting themselves) unless you chain them down (illegal), or report them to emergency services (if they are at risk of hurting themselves or others), which is only a temporary fix, and doesn't solve the real problem, so then it repeats itself. It sounds like your mom has tried different therapies (eg DBT) and is now refusing them. Those are HER choices. There is nothing you can do to fix or help someone with mental illness who refuses services, and keeps making poor decisions. It is NOT your fault. I think it is typical to
feel like it is your fault. You hear everyone around you telling you it is not your fault, and yet you still
feel like it is. Why do you think this is?
Think of this as the beginning phase of your healing journey. At the end of the journey, those feelings of "it being your fault" will be gone, and you will be able to think more clearly and rationally. You will also be able to acknowledge it is NOT your fault. That comes as the journey progresses, but first you must start the journey towards that goal, so that you can live your life without feeling trapped. Do you want to let go of those feelings?
I had to stop and leave everything at my desk at work to come assemble everyone and am spending the night so I can go pickup some of the work she can't do in the morning (We own a family business) and babysit my dad.
Wow.
So imagine this: Jane is 16 and stealing. Everytime she gets caught, and ends up at the police station, her parents "take care of things", and Jane gets to go home. Then she steals again, and the cycle repeats itself. Dozens or hundreds of times. Are Jane's parents being effective at helping Jane with her problem? Why not?
See where I'm going with this?
It might feel different because it's your parents, and mental illness and drugs are involved. But your mom's therapist hasn't been able to solve the problem. I'm guessing many people over the years have tried to "help" or solve their problems for them. But nothing has worked. So why is it
your fault? They are your
parents. As such, it is their job to be responsible for you, not the other way around.
The feelings of guilt are torture. For now you may have to be ok with feeling those feelings, until you are further into your healing journey from these unhealthy relationships. Then those feelings will get weaker, until they are gone.
I feel like I'm being held hostage and don't know where to turn.
You feel trapped. So what can YOU do or change about how you react to this stuff, to start feeling more autonomy in your life?
Again I'm glad you have a T, and an aunt who gets it. You say you don't want to trouble your aunt, but if she reached out to you by giving you this book, I think talking to her about the book would be a good place to start. She reached out to help you, so it's ok to reply back about the book. Just pick your moments. Make sure she's having a good day. Maybe have a plan before you talk to her so the "dam doesn't burst" during the conversation.
Everyone tells me that it's not my responsibility and that I need to let my dad take care of it and that it's not my responsibility to watch out for my dad but look what happened when I left for a few days.
I have learned that I have to let my mom experience her own consequences, even if it "pains" me. I'll bet a lot of people around your family business see what's going on, and say "why does Nyena keep bailing them out"?
The problems for you will never end. You must let go of trying to manage or control their situation, and let them figure it out.
If you try to "help" or "control" the situation, it will keep escalating, and wear you into the ground. Do you think you could feel trapped, because they keep making the mistakes, and you keep fixing them?
Perhaps it is time to consider accepting that THEY are responsible for THEIR own choices, not you.
Therapists and doctors haven't been able to help your mom right?
So how can you help YOURSELF right now?