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Author Topic: BPD husband walked out for second time  (Read 359 times)
LAexWife
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: divorcing
Posts: 2


« on: September 01, 2020, 10:44:11 PM »

Hi,

My soon to be ex-husband is BPD, ADHD, possible NPD and a substance addict (alcohol, prescriptions, etc.). When we got together he stopped all drinking/substances.

We had a whirlwind romance and were married for 2  1/2 years when he up and left the first time. It lasted for 2 months, then he came back. It was more my effort than his. He came back with alcohol and prescriptions (Lexapro, Zanax, Ambien).

It's been a rough two years of me pretzeling around his neurosis, anxiety, flights of fantasy delusion and depression. Eggshells.

Ten weeks ago, after 3 weeks of professing love and increasing his Lexapro dose, he said he didn't want a life with me and left again.

I didn't want to go through the cycle again. There's so much I haven't said above.

I blocked him on text and phone (not email) and he was silent for 2 months. I learned that he went to his hometown and had a huge blow up and then went to two other places for vacation. I thought he moved back home (several states away). I unblocked him and texted about the terms of our divorce. He called and let me know that he rented an apartment 1 mile from me.

He has called a few times drunk and apologetic but unwilling to get any help. Each time he threatens suicide. Last week, he was begging to come to my house and I said no and had to block him to stop the texting. Since then he emailed me a break up song (indicating that it's over) and has been quiet.

I am trying to move on. The reality is the guy I connected to hasn't been around in literal years. Instead an irrational, irratic, and uncaring person has taken over.

I so miss what was and sometimes I fall to the idea that he's still in there. I know he isn't.

This is hard. Yes, I am in therapy a couple of times a week. Thank you for reading.
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LAexWife
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: divorcing
Posts: 2


« Reply #1 on: September 02, 2020, 10:32:31 PM »

Had conversation today and he was apologetic.

What he wasn't was concerned or interested in me, or the impact his actions had/have on me.

He complained about the predicament he was in financially after leaving, calling it unfair.

When I step back and look at that it's shocking. I (in my co-dependency) can't fathom leaving a spouse on a moments notice and not being aware of the damage or the consequences.

Has anyone else had this experience? I miss him and then I see how "not there" he is for anyone else and feeling like I need to keep moving away.

I'd love some insight from others who know. Thank you.
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otherlife

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 27


« Reply #2 on: November 24, 2020, 02:39:53 PM »

Hello LAexWife
I have not read these boards for a few weeks but in answer to your question, yes I know what you mean.  The fact that they are just not there and have no concern for your needs is a common trait that many of us see.  I think it occurs when they are splitting and is a form of self-protection, which is incredibly sad and very hard to comprehend.  This sadly is part of the cycle and there is little anyone can do as it is something they need to recognise and try to fix.
I am sure there are many members here who can give you more insight but I just wanted to let you know you are not alone in this and many fully understand.  However, you must now focus on your own needs and try to stand back.  It's not personal, it's about them they can't cope with reality so 'go off' somewhere to reduce the pain of reality.  I suggest you read as much as you can to help you understand but know this I am fully aware of very similar situations which frankly got worse and more frequent as time went on, hence our final separation and pending divorce.  Be strong, take care of you now.

 
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Gemsforeyes
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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Ended 2/2020
Posts: 1130


« Reply #3 on: November 24, 2020, 07:59:28 PM »

Hey LAexwife-

I join otherlife in offering support for you.  I’m deeply sorry that you weren’t welcomed to the boards back when you first joined in September.  It does seem that with Covid, the level of our experienced membership activity has dropped off (myself included).  But I am hoping that you’ll see these messages to you and come back.

I DO want to address just how well I personally understand the pain of being completely left out of the priority list of my recent BPD/NPD EXbf’s “plans”, as well as my exH’s.

I’d be happy to explore this with you.  It is so so hard to *not* take these actions personally, when in effect they ARE so deeply personal.

Please let us know how you’re doing.

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes
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Inside
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 604



« Reply #4 on: November 25, 2020, 09:02:35 PM »

Otherlife: “It's not personal, it's about them they can't cope with reality so 'go off' somewhere to reduce the pain of reality.

There seems to be a drift between the cluster B personality disorders that add additional complexity to their behaviors.  With BPD the identifiable trait, the description above struck home with me. 

It’s like a puzzle that doesn’t make sense ... yet we have to put it together in order to understand it..  You are not alone, and from all indications, very much like the rest of us.  Stay safe & strong.
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crushedagain
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 300


« Reply #5 on: November 26, 2020, 12:14:08 AM »

Excerpt
When I step back and look at that it's shocking. I (in my co-dependency) can't fathom leaving a spouse on a moments notice and not being aware of the damage or the consequences.

While we weren't married, my BPD exgf lived in my house for roughly 2 years. She pulled this stunt for the first time about 10 months in. She had a meltdown over something she perceived, I don't even remember what it was, packed up all of her stuff, and left. She called crying a few days later wanting to get back together. Like a fool, I did. Big mistake.

Our feelings and well-being do not matter to these people in the least. They are too busy feeding a bottomless pit of self-loathing and selfish desires. Be thankful he's gone, and stay strong. There is undoubtedly a better man out there for you, not only one who is BPD free, but doesn't have the substance abuse issues either.


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