So many switches and flip-flops

[TrulyMadlyDeeply]

He's going through being numb and losing his "fun" side. Then he will become angry and, again, tell me I manipulated him. He told me last night he doesn't trust me.

I'm scared he will start to see me as the "bad" wife. What then?

It feels like there is so much to read and consider, I feel overwhelmed. I'm trying to justify his feelings but it's hard to remember everything.

We are supposed to get a car for me today. I'm trying to hang on. I know I need to be patient because I cannot leave for a long time yet, if it comes to that.

What can I realistically expect from this relationship?

My therapist isn't giving me a ton of hope here. She said they have to want to change, and when you combine it with his lifetime of cheating..."outlook not so good."

He is so good at telling me what I want to hear. I don't know what is real anymore.

I just feel so isolated. New state. New everything.

I miss my old life and my old self. I didn't realize how often he puts me down. How do I respond to that?
I was walking along the curb and he snapped, "Grow up." What do I say? I think I laughed.

Last night when he told me he didn't trust me and blah blah blah (he's the one who screwed around our entire marriage and didn't tell me until last year) I decided I wasn't going to let him affect my mood. He got up and walked away, heading to the garage to pout.

I headed inside, sat at my computer, and decided I have GOT to get my website done. I sat to work.

Thirty minutes in, I decided it was time to pick out a book for the youngest and I to read together (he's ALMOST 11). It's what the kids and I do during the school year. Husband headed in at one point, told the kid goodnight, and headed downstairs. I kept reading. For half an hour.

I headed down into the kitchen. Husband popped in, the oldest walked in, and then husband referenced what I was doing in a nice way (prepping something special for first day of school). He started a little small talk.

When we got into bed, he reached over for me, and patted my hands. Normally, I would cuddle up to his chest, but I'm not doing that again. I'm not sure if I will wait until he asks if I want to or what. I don't know. I just don't know. I don't even know how to navigate sex now.

Is it just about keeping the peace while I figure out what the hell I'm going to do?

1. Why did he thaw? Did I do something right here?
2. What can I realistically expect even if he does receive help? I don't want to be idolized. I never cared for that intensity.

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[Mutt]

Hi TrulyMadlyDeeply,

1. Why did he thaw? Did I do something right here?

I would feel confused as well especially if the windows to the good moments are short and the bad moments are longer this can cause confusion when a pwBPD does a 360 especially when they had an intense rage or dysregulation or devaluation. I completely understand I recall my ex would give me gifts out of the blue when there were periods were we had fights for days and I felt angry when I received these gifts - I did appreciate it but the timing was completely off.

I think that is the part of what they mean about a pwBPD having intense interpersonal r/s's. They don't know how to repair the r/s and they'll segway from one thing into the next without really know how to deal with it in a r/s.

When a pwBPD splits you white usually it's because you are doing something for them. Although it seems like it's the complete opposite a pwBPD are scared to navigate by themselves in this world and have dependency issues on their partner and can act helpless and needy and that can trigger guilty feelings in people that have a care taker quality and we become helpers to a pwBPD.

2. What can I realistically expect even if he does receive help? I don't want to be idolized. I never cared for that intensity.

We can't predict what is going to happen in the future and we can't tell you what to do it depends on what you want in a r/s. For example lets say H does not want to get help for himself and you're the one currently getting help - by doing the self work you may realize because of how you grow as a person and become more aware - you may want something different or something more in a r/s.