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Author Topic: PayPal Question  (Read 429 times)
TrulyMadlyDeeply
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Married
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« on: September 08, 2020, 01:12:29 PM »

He controls the money. I know everyone is surprised. He's not NOT generous with it. But it would be out of character for me to do anything with the bank.

I have a few clients, inconsistent, that pay via PayPal. Our personal PayPal is connected: both our email addresses, both our bank cards, checking account.

Does anyone know if I can open a new one? Then clients can pay me and I can very slowly feel like I have SOMETHING in case I need to get out. It'll take time, but it will be SOMETHING.

They have a chat, but you have to login, and I'm scared they would send a transcript or he'd log in for some reason or 100 other stupid things my brain has cooked up.

I'd like to think he would leave it alone or be fair about our joint account or whatever...but after reading things on here, if we end, I'm not sure what he would do. I'd like to think he'd still care about the kids because he doesn't rage at them. They haven't seen or heard any of that (weren't home when it's happened or at other ends of the house with noisy activities).
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formflier
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« Reply #1 on: September 08, 2020, 08:16:14 PM »


Well..I would think that you could get your own paypal.  However, given your concerns about all the links and "accidents" that could happen...you need to think  about how to go about this.

1.  New email (that only you control) to do paypal and client billing.
2.  New bank account (linked to the email) that is only yours.
3.  Then you can likely get a paypal and not have any "spillage" into the joint arena.

I would encourage you to brain storm about other aspects of this.

I would also encourage you to open a new thread about financial communication with your spouse.  Hopefully a way can be found to soften things.

That being said, there is a lot of "logic" involved with each spouse "controlling" what they each bring into the marriage.  (I'm on the other side of this, for years I shared freely and as BPDish stuff showed up I stopped "sharing" with my wife...as in she has no "joint" access to money I earn and I have no access to what she earns.  It was tough transition but now things are calmer.)

Anyway...let's get to know your story better and I bet we can help you find a better path.

Best,

FF
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TrulyMadlyDeeply
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Posts: 52


« Reply #2 on: September 09, 2020, 06:22:30 AM »

We've moved four times in four years. Guess who handles all the packing, putting away, and general items involved with moving? Yeah, me. I don't have steady clients right now, but pick up freelance things here and there. It was enough to pay for a family vacation last spring (right before the world changed), but it would NOT be enough to even remotely live on.

He is obsessed with control.

Right now, since I mentioned getting tested for it, he's been cool. He's coming around again, but still not affectionate. He's not himself. No talking at night before bed, just nothing.

He set his phone up high on a shelf in the closet last weekend. It was password protected.

So, I am also concerned he is starting back in finding someone online to meet up with. Or, it could be because he told me he doesn't trust me.

I know he's conflicted. I have been his only consistent source of support (married almost 16 years). He has trusted my judgement in the past. He did agree to get tested but until that happens (fam doc appt tomorrow to hopefully get referral to psych for a test, but I have to double-check day/time as I got upset telling the woman why he needed in).

He doesn't expect me to contribute money. He sometimes likes to make jabs about how he is the one supporting the family...though I was the one who supported the family in the past so HE could finish school.

I have been working on a site that will make me money when I can get it done.

Moving, him telling me about all his cheating right before Christmas last year, and just HIM in general...felt so beaten down I sort of lost my mojo. I had a successful site before so it's not "pie in the sky." But he beat me down about that and I stopped messing with it. I didn't see it like that before. I already grieved its official loss. Moving to a new state made updating that site, of being known for that  ever again impossible.

Anyway.

I'm a writer and a published author. And a good one (not that it's obvious on here. TOO MANY EMOTIONS).

We do have two boys, a teen and an older elementary schooler, and he has always said he would never leave us without being taken care of, because that was and is such a huge thing for him (his dad didn't, and they had so so little).

This is way more than you wanted. I'm like him now, unable to censor myself! HA!

So many years of protecting him and hiding his actions from the kids and other people...talking about it now, well, I guess the dam broke and now it's hard to stop!
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formflier
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« Reply #3 on: September 09, 2020, 07:01:44 AM »


OK...so put your writer analysis hat!

Try to detach a bit and then read your last post. 

What (or who) is on the writers mind?  How much did you read about the writer and how much about someone else?

I'm curious where the writers voice is...

What do you think?

Best,

FF
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TrulyMadlyDeeply
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« Reply #4 on: September 09, 2020, 07:16:13 AM »

I hardly even know anymore.

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formflier
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« Reply #5 on: September 09, 2020, 08:25:51 AM »

I hardly even know anymore.

Wouldn't that be a good place to start?  Find your voice, your values and reconnect. 

From there you can figure out the future you want for yourself and be deliberate about thinking through how to get on the path to that future.

I'm not at all devaluing or dismissing the money or paypal question, I am suggesting that those questions need to be answered by you in a larger context of where you are going to go.

Hmmmm...I took my own advice and re-read my post, that's odd...I didn't mention the pwBPD even once. 

Now...that has me curious.  What about you?  Curious?   

Why on earth would I have left out a person so prominently featured in earlier posts...?

Best,

FF
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Rev
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Relationship status: Divorced and now happily remarried.
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The surest way to fail is to never try.


« Reply #6 on: September 09, 2020, 09:15:17 AM »

Wouldn't that be a good place to start?  Find your voice, your values and reconnect. 

From there you can figure out the future you want for yourself and be deliberate about thinking through how to get on the path to that future.

I'm not at all devaluing or dismissing the money or paypal question, I am suggesting that those questions need to be answered by you in a larger context of where you are going to go.

Hmmmm...I took my own advice and re-read my post, that's odd...I didn't mention the pwBPD even once. 

Now...that has me curious.  What about you?  Curious?   

Why on earth would I have left out a person so prominently featured in earlier posts...?

Best,

FF

What a fascinating thread - I too make a living from my "voice" - both as a  communicator and now finishing my master's in psychotherapy.  My ex is also a journalist and shares the same professional vocation.

All that to say - we had the same controlling financial issues that played out differently. Instead on controlling the spending by restricting, she would arrange to have me pay for pretty much everything and would spend large amounts on vacations and under report what things cost. She resisted any attempt to merge our finances and that's the way she chose to control. I provoked the separation when I discovered how badly our finances had become and why (there was someone else).  Thank God I got out financially unattached to her mismanagement of her finances.

So - sorry to ramble on but I wanted to share some of my context.

I too came to place that I was losing my voice. In fact, without the benefit of being at University part time, I would have likely cracked under to pressure of delivering less than my best week after week after week.

It was pretty terrible.


So, in reading this thread - I would encourage you to look at your "voice" as a spiritual practice and ask yourself what purpose is it serving now - and what purpose would you like it to serve.  Broad strokes - are you using your voice to stand up for what you believe to be important - is it a place where you consciously and unconsciously sort things out (this is where I tend to live most of the time) - is it a place where you bypass the immediate challenges that you face (which seem to be rather complex given all the moves and attached controlling behavior) and where in this case, your voice creates an escape from the stress and coercion of it all?

I hope this makes sense. If not, please write back.  I think that FF is really on to something. For me at least.  One thing that, a year and a half out now, that I have learned that the root of being caught in the cycle that we are discussing now has baked its way into other things. Since my separation (now awaiting a rubber stamp from a judge as soon as the courts get moving) I have marveled at how many other relationships need to be cleaned up.

Thanks so much for this thread.  It's days like this that I am so thankful for this place.

Hang in there. You got this.

Rev
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TrulyMadlyDeeply
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« Reply #7 on: September 09, 2020, 09:25:46 AM »

Good points, all.

Rev, that's especially interesting. In our early years of marriage, I handled the finances. He did such a terrible job of letting me have receipts (this is the days when checks were the thing! Haha!), that I eventually handed it over to him because it was ONE MORE THING I had to deal with...when all he did was go to work.

It was 1950s in our home.

I work from home which has worked out well over the years so I could be that stable presence in our sons' lives. Sometimes, I worked for long-term clients, so there would  be phone calls and meetings and all of that. He hasn't been the "don't leave the house" kind of BPD person.

He's more of a "if I text or call, why aren't you answering?" kind of person. He does berate me about that to others, that I "never" answer my phone. I've always said that I do, but I'm doing other things too. NO ONE answers immediately! Except him.

I'm asking my therapist for tips on how to work my way back into our bank account without sending him red flags. I don't know if that's possible, so until he has the family doc appt. for his referral TOMORROW! and then HOPEFULLY if he tells the truth gets the referral, I don't want to make waves.

In the meantime, I'm working on writing. I have 2500 words to write over the next two days for a client. After that, I still have my site to work on. It WILL be worth it.

I just need to get back to me and not let the worry or exhaustion take over.

I don't know if it's possible to open a new bank account without him knowing. Is that even possible? If he saw...omg. I think the rage would probably end very bad indeed.
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formflier
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« Reply #8 on: September 09, 2020, 10:27:09 AM »


Yep..he will rage about (fill in the blank).

As long as your goal in life is to control another person's rage (or prevent them from raging), you aren't looking or listening to...your own voice

Hmmmm...

blah blah blah, there is a monkey in our closet, a unicorn in the garage and my wife doesn't ever answer her phone...blah blah blah

bad response "there is not a monkey in the closet...it's an orangutan, and a witch turned our dog into a unicorn...and I always answer my phone."

good response:  "Yep...frustrating."  "Oh hey...I'm getting some tea, would you like a glass."

Then...move on with your life and your writing.

Focus on your finances and finances that affect your family, if you take your eye of that and try to accomplish something without rage...well, what is the focus?  Rage or finance?

Best,

FF

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EyesUp
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: divorced
Posts: 445


« Reply #9 on: September 13, 2020, 06:18:03 AM »

A few more suggestions...

- As others suggested, get a new email account.

- You might even want to limit access to this account on a new device that only you can access and control - e.g., get a cheap android smartphone and keep it someplace safe.

- Open an account with an online bank - no paper statements coming to the house.

- Understand that if your income exceeds a certain threshold, Paypal will report income and there may be tax implications.  In addition to Paypal, you might want to consider Venmo and other payment methods.

Good luck!
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formflier
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« Reply #10 on: September 13, 2020, 08:24:27 AM »


I use a Chromebook that only I normally use.

Even with that, for private stuff (like BPDfamily) I only access it through "incognito" mode. 

Good stuff to play around with and realize how you can access things without leaving behind "crumbs" that point to what you have been doing.

Best,

FF


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