Haven't Been Here In Forever

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I haven't been on this board--haven't posted, haven't read anything--in probably a year.
One thing to keep in mind, I'm a writer. I write in nearly all genres. And I have made a living writing, editing & teaching others to write for more than 30 years. I am now past retirement age.

A little over a year ago, I thought the worst of this divorce was behind me.
A little over year ago, I hit the 2-year mark of this divorce. I'd attended a settlement conference then a hearing. I thought the divorce had to wrap up by then. After all:

1) I had a prenup. Prenup waived my right to spousal support.
2) The prenup was drafted by the STBX-FIL. I have emails from him & his secretary that suggest that: "Prenup is ready to sign. Please go to XXX this weekend & sign."
3) I had no input into that prenup although I did have a lawyer at the time (more than 10 years ago), who technically represented me.
2) A little over a year ago, I had a lawyer, who was handling the divorce. This lawyer told me that in my state waiving the right to spousal support was against statute. (That information left me feeling really betrayed by the STBX-FIL, who I thought was my family & by the lawyer who "represented" me in the prenup.)
3) A little over a year ago, the STBX-FIL, through his lawyer, submitted his first "offer" to me. That offer accused me of misappropriation of trust funds (I never handled any trust funds, only the money in my STBX & my joint accounts. In a community property state.)
4) That first offer also accused me  of violating my fiduciary responsibility to my STBX's trust monies. (I never had a fiduciary responsibility). However...if I agreed to walk away with the prenup, they wouldn't charge me criminally or civilly.
5) I don't know how other people would react to being accused of something they didn't do, but for me? It made me unbelievably angry. I told my lawyer to tell them to go for it, that if they thought I did all those things then charge me criminally or shut up. (I don't think she used my language in her response.)
6) Five months after this first "offer," we all (STBX, STBX-FIL's lawyers & I) went to settlement. The facilitator at the time told me what he thought the settlement would be if the case were to go to court. Significantly less than I'd wanted, but something I could live with until the facilitator told me that the offer would be contingent upon my signing a non-disparagement agreement. I told the facilitator 'no,' I'd never sign a non-disparagement agreement. Wouldn't happen.
7) Their offer, however, was not that amount but the prenup less the five months of interim support I'd received between the time they'd offered the prenup in exchange for not charging me for things I didn't do.

Then...
1) We went to a hearing to get legal fees to pay for the settlement facilitation.
2) Decision went against us, primarily because the hearing officer maintained the STBX-FIL wasn't a part of the divorce. (At least I think I'm understanding that.)
3)My lawyer quit & I ended up with a lien on the house I bought as a single woman, a house I let my adult child live in for a reduced rent because the child is going to college.

Then...
1) I hired 2nd lawyer.
2) 2nd lawyer "worked" on the case for 5 months. The STBX-FIL had a court order to pay that lawyer. Never happened.
3) In Feb. of this year, I discovered the lawyer hadn't been paid & I couldn't pay the bill.
4) I went pro se for about 6 weeks. During that time I got hit with 5 separate motions--this on a case that hadn't seen ONE motion filed in a year.
5) Put together $1000 to hire 3rd attorney. My guess is that the attorney took the case because of the court order showing that STBX-FIL was to pay legal fees. Never happened.

Now...
1) We have a hearing date towards the end of this month to argue enforceability of prenup or a summary judgment.
2) Yesterday I got hit with a motion for preliminary injunction to allow the property manager to come inside my home, which I have argued is the marital home, to 'inspect' it. This man told me back in 2018 he wanted to 'evict' me but i'm not a tenant. This man has also accused me of things & he never knew I have a well on this property & when I was badly flooded because of neighbors' irrigating (about 4 inches deep 10 feet into the back of the property), he told me to look upon it as "free water."
3) I contacted friends to see if I could borrow $3000 so I can at least talk to my attorney.

As I indicated at the beginning, I'm a writer. Putting all this down (and there's more, such as STBX-FIL's lawyer accusing me of blackmail) helps to understand why I am having panic attacks, why my PTSD has been so activated, why I have trouble sleeping at night.

Advice: Keep as far away as possible from rich, crazy, mean people. They will not ever acknowledge or appreciate what you do.

TMD

[toomanydogs]

I haven't been on this board--haven't posted, haven't read anything--in probably a year.
One thing to keep in mind, I'm a writer. I write in nearly all genres. And I have made a living writing, editing & teaching others to write for more than 30 years. I am now past retirement age.

A little over a year ago, I thought the worst of this divorce was behind me.
A little over year ago, I hit the 2-year mark of this divorce. I'd attended a settlement conference then a hearing. I thought the divorce had to wrap up by then. After all:

1) I had a prenup. Prenup waived my right to spousal support.
2) The prenup was drafted by the STBX-FIL. I have emails from him & his secretary that suggest that: "Prenup is ready to sign. Please go to XXX this weekend & sign."
3) I had no input into that prenup although I did have a lawyer at the time (more than 10 years ago), who technically represented me.
2) A little over a year ago, I had a lawyer, who was handling the divorce. This lawyer told me that in my state waiving the right to spousal support was against statute. (That information left me feeling really betrayed by the STBX-FIL, who I thought was my family & by the lawyer who "represented" me in the prenup.)
3) A little over a year ago, the STBX-FIL, through his lawyer, submitted his first "offer" to me. That offer accused me of misappropriation of trust funds (I never handled any trust funds, only the money in my STBX & my joint accounts. In a community property state.)
4) That first offer also accused me  of violating my fiduciary responsibility to my STBX's trust monies. (I never had a fiduciary responsibility). However...if I agreed to walk away with the prenup, they wouldn't charge me criminally or civilly.
5) I don't know how other people would react to being accused of something they didn't do, but for me? It made me unbelievably angry. I told my lawyer to tell them to go for it, that if they thought I did all those things then charge me criminally or shut up. (I don't think she used my language in her response.)
6) Five months after this first "offer," we all (STBX, STBX-FIL's lawyers & I) went to settlement. The facilitator at the time told me what he thought the settlement would be if the case were to go to court. Significantly less than I'd wanted, but something I could live with until the facilitator told me that the offer would be contingent upon my signing a non-disparagement agreement. I told the facilitator 'no,' I'd never sign a non-disparagement agreement. Wouldn't happen.
7) Their offer, however, was not that amount but the prenup less the five months of interim support I'd received between the time they'd offered the prenup in exchange for not charging me for things I didn't do.

Then...
1) We went to a hearing to get legal fees to pay for the settlement facilitation.
2) Decision went against us, primarily because the hearing officer maintained the STBX-FIL wasn't a part of the divorce. (At least I think I'm understanding that.)
3)My lawyer quit & I ended up with a lien on the house I bought as a single woman, a house I let my adult child live in for a reduced rent because the child is going to college.

Then...
1) I hired 2nd lawyer.
2) 2nd lawyer "worked" on the case for 5 months. The STBX-FIL had a court order to pay that lawyer. Never happened.
3) In Feb. of this year, I discovered the lawyer hadn't been paid & I couldn't pay the bill.
4) I went pro se for about 6 weeks. During that time I got hit with 5 separate motions--this on a case that hadn't seen ONE motion filed in a year.
5) Put together $1000 to hire 3rd attorney. My guess is that the attorney took the case because of the court order showing that STBX-FIL was to pay legal fees. Never happened.

Now...
1) We have a hearing date towards the end of this month to argue enforceability of prenup or a summary judgment.
2) Yesterday I got hit with a motion for preliminary injunction to allow the property manager to come inside my home, which I have argued is the marital home, to 'inspect' it. This man told me back in 2018 he wanted to 'evict' me but i'm not a tenant. This man has also accused me of things & he never knew I have a well on this property & when I was badly flooded because of neighbors' irrigating (about 4 inches deep 10 feet into the back of the property), he told me to look upon it as "free water."
3) I contacted friends to see if I could borrow $3000 so I can at least talk to my attorney.

As I indicated at the beginning, I'm a writer. Putting all this down (and there's more, such as STBX-FIL's lawyer accusing me of blackmail) helps to understand why I am having panic attacks, why my PTSD has been so activated, why I have trouble sleeping at night.

Advice: Keep as far away as possible from rich, crazy, mean people. They will not ever acknowledge or appreciate what you do.

TMD

[worriedStepmom]

I've been thinking about you lately, and I'm glad you checked in.  How frustrating it must be to still be in the throes of this.  So many years of this kind of crazy.

[MeandThee29]

Yes, I was wondering how yours was going. I'm sorry to hear that you're still in the mess.

Mine is final and closeout is completed, but I'm having trouble getting some of the $$$. Both are large bureaucracies that are hard to deal with in the best of times. Now they're even worse. One keeps losing my paperwork and can't seem to put it together. They said that I should get a case update tomorrow. The other one is unreachable at present. We may send the package again this month.

My whole view of romantic relationships is of course tainted. Sure, some people have them and are happy, but I just can't fathom it any more.

[SamwizeGamgee]

Hi TMD!
I have to run out right now, but, I'm here in the choppy waters with you. 
Virtual hugs!

[GaGrl]

I'm glad you checked in, not glad you're still in the thick of it.

Do you have the timeline of events put together in a way that will simplify things for the hearing?

[formflier]

Well...I'm glad to hear from you but so sorry this is happening.

What I don't understand is how there is a court order to pay legal fees, but it's apparently not enforceable...over several different lawyers.

Do you understand how that can be so?

 

Best,

FF

[ForeverDad]

We've had reports of courts who make orders and then do nothing to enforce them.  That's why we try to get consequences built into an order so that when there is noncompliance the consequence is already spelled out and the court is less likely to waffle on what to do.

[toomanydogs]

What I don't understand is how there is a court order to pay legal fees, but it's apparently not enforceable...over several different lawyers.

Do you understand how that can be so?

 

Best,

FF

What I know:

My first lawyer was responsible for setting up the court order for legal fees, which were set up similarly to a monthly retainer. As soon as we had a date for a settlement conference, FIL stopped paying.

Then lawyer had to file to enforce the order.  The order was enforced. FIL balked at paying without an invoice. L sent a redacted invoice. FIL balked because the invoice wasn't an exact match for what the court ordered he pay. L had to jump through hoop after hoop. And the amount was not significant. Would have paid for about 8 hours worth of L's time.

Legal fees began to flow.

Then we went to settlement facilitation. My L told me when preparing discovery to take pics of everything I wanted to take from the house. It's a big house. There's a lot of stuff here. I planned on taking everything with me, such as dishes, the couch, chairs, tables, presents. Nothing that was particularly expensive. The point is L told me to take pics of EVERYTHING. That resulted in a huge, huge binder of discovery photos.

FIL turned over nothing. STBX turned over nothing.

Because L had to at least skim the discovery book, my legal fees accrued way past what L had been paid.

FIL refused to pay. We had a hearing & I still don't know why the hearing officer ruled that FIL didn't have to pay.

Second L never even billed FIL.

Discovered yesterday, my third L has been paid for 2 months of work. On the one hand, I'm relieved. On the other, I wish I'd known.

I want all this behind me, so I can get my life back & begin to heal.

 

TMD

[toomanydogs]

We've had reports of courts who make orders and then do nothing to enforce them.  That's why we try to get consequences built into an order so that when there is noncompliance the consequence is already spelled out and the court is less likely to waffle on what to do.

ForeverDad,

This is good information. I'd already planned on having consequences built into the marital settlement in the event STBX-FIL tries to sue me for some imaginary action he thinks I'll take.

I want STBX & his entire family out of my life. Completely and forever.

Thanks,

TMD

[toomanydogs]

Do you have the timeline of events put together in a way that will simplify things for the hearing?

 

My friend, who's a lawyer, advised that I put everything in outline form. Strip it of emotion, simply report it. I have a phone appointment with my lawyer on Monday. I plan on sending him that outline prior to the meeting.
Thanks,
TMD

[toomanydogs]

Hi TMD!
I have to run out right now, but, I'm here in the choppy waters with you. 
Virtual hugs!

Virtual hugs right back at you. 

TMD

[toomanydogs]

I'm sorry to hear that you're still in the mess.

Mine is final and closeout is completed, but I'm having trouble getting some of the $$$.

My whole view of romantic relationships is of course tainted. Sure, some people have them and are happy, but I just can't fathom it any more.

Hey MeandThee,

I'm sorry you're having trouble getting some of the money. I fully expect I'll have the same issue.

My view of romantic relationships is likewise tainted. It's funny because I still want someone in my life who loves me the way I love him, but I think at my age and given my history, that it's unlikely to happen.

However, I have great friends and a good family. And that will be enough.

 
TMD

[SamwizeGamgee]

My friend, who's a lawyer, advised that I put everything in outline form. Strip it of emotion, simply report it. I have a phone appointment with my lawyer on Monday. I plan on sending him that outline prior to the meeting.
Thanks,
TMD

I hate spreadsheets and charts.  But, I have been forcing myself to document things I work out (like tracking my retirement contributions for the past few years, tracking and planning a budget, etc.) It has made subsequent lawyer visits much more efficient, and focused my efforts. I still don't do spreadsheets, but I make tables in word documents that work for me. I also try to keep bullet point timeline kind of records. 

Like you, I want to be free of this forever.  I'm a carefree, day by day kind of person.  I don't want to be a compulsive documenter and argue about facts and figures. 

Hopefully, this is just a stage you and I have to get through to get to the better place.
Good luck on the L visist!

[GaGrl]

I find that I work faster and more efficiently in Excel then Word tables, but everyone has their preference. The main thing is to get a column set up for Date/Time, Type of Communication (was it email, text, phone call, in-person conversation), and Action (what happened, what was communicated).