BPD Mom

[moesha315]

I used to post on this site years ago. I'm baaackkk...sigh.

[Turkish]

What are you struggling with that brings you back?

[moesha315]

11 years ago my husband and I bought my childhood home. My mother and stepdad were still living, although both with significant health issues.

I bought the house for the amount they owed on it after the 2nd time my BPD mother took out a home equity loan to pay for another multi level marketing scheme. She is addicted to them.

The agreement was that my folks could live rent free until they either died, could not take care of themselves, or my husband and I were ready to move into the home full time.

Step dad died 5.5 years ago. My mother was living here alone until about 1.5 years ago, when she suddenly opted to move into an apt. We didn't force her and in fact cautioned her to take her time, knowing full well the Blame Game would kick in the minute she moved.

When the pandemic hit, husband and I moved full time into the house from NYC. We have been here since March. As I feared, we have been sucked back into the FOG. BPD mom's behavior has deteriorated during the COVID lockdown, and even though we have been assisting her almost daily with her needs, spending time with her once the lockdown eased, she's started raging, having meltdowns & storming out of the house, and is now demanding an audience where I am required to sit and listen to her without interruptions while she lists her "disappointment" with her entire life and her grievances with all of her 7 children.

I told her I will not sit and listen to abuse, that I am not a stand in for my siblings, (almost all of whom have almost nothing to do with her) and that I didn't cause her feelings, can't control them and can't cure them. She is relentless. She fell and cut herself, calls and whines about her health, and when I try to ignore her demand for a showdown, she keeps demanding it. Yesterday she called yelling about how she needs to "know where I stand" with me, after she stormed out twice last week due to invisible triggers I still can't figure out.

I have a therapist, talk about her behaviors with the therapist regularly, but this amping up of her craziness has been escalating the past couple of months. My mother lives to pick fights and then cast herself as victim and this is where we're heading.

She is 85, her health is terrible, she does not take care of herself at all, yet her rage seems to keep her going. Honestly, when I bought the house 11 years ago, I never thought she'd live long enough to actually move out. I rolled the actuarial dice, figuring she'd die before we ever got to to this place. And yet here I am.

[Turkish]

That sounds like too much to handle, to say the least.  Have you talked to your T about the idea of bringing Adult Protective Services into the picture? Let them be "the bad guy" as they are trained to help.

Admittedly, I couldn't bring myself to call, but finally suggested it to the deputy who called me after my mom called the cops on me for stealing her purse.  He did and that took the focus off of me. 

[moesha315]

She behaves very well in public and around non-family members. She's still pretty independent, drives, etc. My siblings and I have discussed it, but she can and will keep it together in an evaluation like that. And convince them that she just has "mean" children.