Just Married

[Hollywood 121]

I’ve been married to my new wife for a little over 2 months. We only were together about 3 months before deciding to get married. Now 5 months in and finding out what BPD is.  Looking forward to learning in hopes of making this work.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Mutt]

Hi Hollywood 121,



I'd like to welcome you to BPDFmily. I'm glad that you decided to join and congrats on recently getting married. I'm glad to hear that you're reaching out to help yourself the lessons are on the top of this board https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?board=6.0 How did you feel when you found out about BPD. Is there anything that you specifically wanted to know?

[Scared2Lose]

I'm a little more than two years into my marriage and my wife, after getting treatment for her BPD (six weeks of intensive inpatient treatment/ongoing intensive outpatient treatment) is now pretty adamant that she wants a divorce. I am devastated as I love this woman but I fear that the mistakes I made not knowing what was going on with her led to some irreparable damage. Here's what I've learned since. You're in for a lot of work. While people with BPD do get better over time, I've not seen any indication from her since her treatment that she has any better grasp on the fact that my perceptions of situations, while different from her, are just as valid. Even though I supported her wholeheartedly, identified what was really going on with her despite two decades of therapists neglecting to pinpoint it (she's always known that she has anxiety and depression), and fought with her parents to get her the appropriate treatment, she's now split me black and correlates all of our fights with my wrongdoing rather than being able to admit/recognize that her BPD was always the third person in the room.

Though her ability to handle stressful situations has improved markedly since her return from treatment, she seems to choose her BPD over me in the discussions. For instance, she is unable/unwilling to state in any way shape or form that her BPD contributed to the problems in our relationship. At the same time, she says that the reasons we got together were not valid because BPD controlled so much of our lives, and she wasn't in the right frame of mind when making the decision to get with me, stay with me, or agree to marry me.

What I'm trying to say is that if you love your partner, learn as much as you can about what she's going through and how stressful situations make her feel, and be prepared to subjugate your own needs for hers in pretty much every situation.