Practicing BIFF and boundaries with our attorney and opposing counsel

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Just as reminder background:  My sister is an attorney who is able to function well professionally.  Her social/personal life is closer to Glenn Close's character in Fatal Attraction.  When she divorced her husband, she took the kids away through a combination of a false allegation of molestation, lies, threats and parental alienation.  Once the kids were old enough she had them go to court and say they never wanted to see their father again.  So he finally gave up --- after years of being smeared, screamed at, lied to, destroyed financially and at one point put in jail because he was sleeping on the floor at work and did not have money to pay the child support that in a just world she would be paying him.  Anyway, so when my mother was diagnosed with terminal cancer, history repeated itself with my brother and me in my former brother-in-law's shoes and our now-deceased mother, who was then in the middle stages of dementia, in the role of my sister's children.  Our sister smeared us, took away our mother for the last five months of her life, took everything tangible out of the estate, took as much money as she could before our mom died and is currently trying to wrangle away the rest of the estate while bleeding us dry in responding to her legal threats and accusations. 

So that brings us up to today's email offering a partial distribution as long as we agree she can claw it back if she feels like it.  I was duly tempted to respond to our attorney's most recent missive by pointing out her (our lawyer's) naivete but I restrained myself.  I followed Bill Eddy's suggestion to keep my message to her - and by extension to opposing counsel - brief, informative, friendly and firm.  Ugh, it's so hard now that I am fairly up-to-speed on the intricacies of BPD with high antisocial traits to try to educate someone else who not suprisingly just does not get it.  I am thinking of sending our attorney one of Bill Eddy's books but afraid she would charge me a fortune to read it. 

I am so wrung out by all of this.  I completely agree with those with whom I have spoken who have had their own tragic experiences with BPDs who counsel cutting our losses and getting our sister out of our lives. The problem is, as I tried to explain to our attorney, we need to have and enforce some basic boundaries if this is ever to be resolved. 

I admire and envy those of you who are able to deal with severe Cluster Bs while keeping your own health and sanity intact.  Thank you for allowing me to vent.       

[missing NC]

Just as reminder background:  My sister is an attorney who is able to function well professionally.  Her social/personal life is closer to Glenn Close's character in Fatal Attraction.  When she divorced her husband, she took the kids away through a combination of a false allegation of molestation, lies, threats and parental alienation.  Once the kids were old enough she had them go to court and say they never wanted to see their father again.  So he finally gave up --- after years of being smeared, screamed at, lied to, destroyed financially and at one point put in jail because he was sleeping on the floor at work and did not have money to pay the child support that in a just world she would be paying him.  Anyway, so when my mother was diagnosed with terminal cancer, history repeated itself with my brother and me in my former brother-in-law's shoes and our now-deceased mother, who was then in the middle stages of dementia, in the role of my sister's children.  Our sister smeared us, took away our mother for the last five months of her life, took everything tangible out of the estate, took as much money as she could before our mom died and is currently trying to wrangle away the rest of the estate while bleeding us dry in responding to her legal threats and accusations. 

So that brings us up to today's email offering a partial distribution as long as we agree she can claw it back if she feels like it.  I was duly tempted to respond to our attorney's most recent missive by pointing out her (our lawyer's) naivete but I restrained myself.  I followed Bill Eddy's suggestion to keep my message to her - and by extension to opposing counsel - brief, informative, friendly and firm.  Ugh, it's so hard now that I am fairly up-to-speed on the intricacies of BPD with high antisocial traits to try to educate someone else who not suprisingly just does not get it.  I am thinking of sending our attorney one of Bill Eddy's books but afraid she would charge me a fortune to read it. 

I am so wrung out by all of this.  I completely agree with those with whom I have spoken who have had their own tragic experiences with BPDs who counsel cutting our losses and getting our sister out of our lives. The problem is, as I tried to explain to our attorney, we need to have and enforce some basic boundaries if this is ever to be resolved. 

I admire and envy those of you who are able to deal with severe Cluster Bs while keeping your own health and sanity intact.  Thank you for allowing me to vent.       

[missing NC]

I have to get back to work and stop thinking about this nightmare...but it occurs to me - as it has before at multiple points over the last several months - that our attorney(s) may just too uneducable about Cluster Bs and/or disinterested in our welfare to be viable in resolving this monstrosity.  It would just be so expensive to get new counsel up to speed and of course our sister will use that as an excuse to misrepresent everything our present counsel has ever said.

I sincerely doubt there will be anthing left at the end of this. I hope we don't get end up in the red with all our attorneys' fees. But if there is anything left, I really want to give it to my former brother-in-law, if I can find him.

Sorry for the stream-of-conciousness. I am just overwhelmed most of the time. 

[Harri]

Hi.  This situation is so complex and difficult and I am sorry you are going through this.  That you were not able to be with your mom in her last days of life is heartbreaking.

I am going to move this thread to the Family Law board as there are members there who are very experienced with dealing with high conflict people, situations and the law.  I wish I could help you but the issue with the lawyer is well out of my experience.

I do think you did a great job with BIFF and that boundaries are important.  Excellent work there!

[missing NC]

Hi Harri,

We are not in family court. But that's fine. I don't anticipate my post really fitting anywhere. I think my situation is just too much of an outlier.  But thank you anyway for your work administering the boards. 

[zachira]

I have enormous respect for how you are handling such a painful difficult situation with your sister. We are here to listen and support you, knowing that there are just moments with even the best of techniques and understanding, you feel emotionally overwhelmed. I have contacted Bill Eddy personally through his mediation website, and his secretary did get back to me with Bill's answers to a few questions. You might also want to google some of the videos on legal disputes and personality disorders. I have just done this, though not seen the videos yet. You are keeping your head up, and not letting your sister get away with her horrible behavior, which helps all of us in the long run. A big hug, and lots of positive thoughts coming your way.

[missing NC]

Thank you, Zachira,

Have you been able to move things forward with your brother and the estate?  Was Bill Eddy's office helpful in that regard?  I'm surprised they were willing to address specific questions outside of a formal consultation. 

I think I'm freaking out more because a) all this garbage b) I had wanted to have a memorial for my mom in the first quarter of 2021 but it looks like the Covid vaccine won't even be distributed by then. 

Anyway, thanks for responding. I had previously considered a consultation with the High Conflict Institute. I just subscribed to their videos.  It was very kind of you to post. 

[zachira]

Yes, Bill Eddy's office was helpful. I kept my story and concerns brief in my email.
You are not alone in feeling like you are freaking out at times. Dealing with toxic family members is just so overwhelming and heartbreaking at times. The challenge is to practice self care as much as possible while drawing your lines in the sand when you have the power to say no. I recently learned that lawyers often used veiled threats that they cannot follow through on, and my brother's lawyer is doing this. In one letter, she disclosed the legal procedures for closing the estate. In the follow up letter she is threatening to do things that she cannot legally do to try to get me to sign a letter that I will not sue my brother. I have no intention of suing either of my siblings who are both high conflict individuals who thrive on control and drama. Like you, I am working on learning some techniques that are more effective ways to communicate with high conflict people. I too am being delayed in doing things that would bring closure because of the pandemic. I hear your frustration about having to delay the memorial service for your mother, as you would really like to have that closure now. Have you considered doing something with fewer people now, and maybe having a bigger service later? My heart goes out to you. I appreciate your kindness as well.

[missing NC]

It sounds like we are continuing to go through somewhat similar experiences with the estates. Yes, our sister, through her lawyers, made many, many threats and allegations to get us to sign saying we won't sue her. 

I'm glad you held your ground.  It would be ludicrous for you to sign now when he has not even done the distribution.  Signing off on the accounting in preparation for the distribution is the last step.  I am not remotely surprised, however, that they attorney tried to get you to sign off prematurely. 

Ultimately we decided not to take the fake interim distribution.  So we'll see what their next move is. 

Has your brother provided you with an accounting yet?  I cannot recall off the top of my head when your mom died but it's seems like it has been at least six month, right?  In that case, if he is refusing to provide an accounting, he is breaching his fiduciary duty to you. 

[zachira]

Yes, we are going through similar struggles with our mother's estates. It helps to know (though I am sad you are going thru this) that you also have an attorney bugging you to prematurely sign off on not suing before the final distribution of assets. I  recently got this crazy email from my brother basically talking about what great parents we had (Both them abused him horribly.), and how they would have wanted me to cooperate (He is the one that has refused to follow the advice of the attorneys to do what is stipulated in the will.) and sign off on suing. I am no longer an easily manipulated fool. I know I can't just give into my siblings on certain things, because from past experiences I know it will lead to their stepping up the abuse when they get what they want. My mother has been dead for over a year; my brother just to be a paranoid control freak has refused to settle the estate. His attorney wrote me a letter disclosing the actual procedure for settling the estate several months ago, so the veiled threat of spending the considerable amount of money left in the account to protect my brother just isn't what she can legally do. If I don't sign off and don't file a motion to sue within a certain time period, than the court agrees to have the estate settled, which should not be a lot of money.
Overall, I am proud of how I am doing. I am no longer taken in by the ongoing love bombing, gas lighting, and projections of my siblings and their enablers. I am feeling good most of the time, doing my trauma release exercises, enjoying my friends, etc.,
I hope you are able to grieve your sister's horrible behaviors to the point that you are starting to feel some relief. Like you, I was denied access to my mother in her final months, and that is a wound that can take a long time to heal. It sounds like you know what you are doing, and hopefully you have a really good lawyer to defend you. At least, your sister's behaviors are being challenged, and that has got to make her super upset, as she is obviously used to getting what she wants.
Take care, and let me know how you are doing. Thank you for sharing your wisdom and experience.