College freshman daughter won't respond - silent treatment

[Mom185]

Hi - I'm new to this site and am grateful for any support and advice. I'll get right to the point...

My 18 yr old daughter is a freshman in college many states away. After helping her move into her dorm, she is now not responding/giving us the Silent Treatment. I believe/worry she will keep the ST going indefinitely, wielding it as a weapon of punishment, power and quiet rage. We don't know what to do - how can we save our relationship? we can't force contact, she knows we are powerless, are we? will she simmer down and eventually contact us? how do we contact her without forcing it?

My husband/her dad thinks she will need us at some point, and will have to break her silence. I very much believe she is BPD (undiagnosed) I worry absence will make the heart grow colder and she will not relinquish her anger. Her rage skyrocketed right before college.

The day before our flight to her college she screamed/raged, "I will never speak to you when I'm at college! I hate you! I will never forgive you! NEVER!" This rage is a result of us calling 911 six days before bringing her to college. She was dangerously drunk from a party - belligerent screaming and yelling rage when I picked her up, slurring, loss of muscular control. She went straight to her bed to sleep it off yelling at us to get out and leave her alone, but we were worried about her blood-alcohol level and that she might not wake up. She was uttering some words about wanting to kill herself or not wanting to live. We called 911, two policemen came and tried to assess her state and calm her down. She was hostile and yelled at the police to "Get the F out of my house!" The police called in two EMTs, she responded with equal hostility cursing "Get the F out!", but had moments of weeping her boyfriends name and sobbing "I'm not a bad person. I'm not a bad person. I am very intelligent!" The EMTs said - "she needs to go to the hospital". Because she could not walk on her own, they each took an arm and an ambulance took her. She spent the night sobering up (bac level was 220 mg (.220) 3 hours after drinking) and had a psychiatric evaluation which the dr said he is sure she has a mood/personality disorder. Paperwork said Generalized Anxiety, Adjustment Anxiety - that in a few hours of knowing her. However, undiagnosed she shows all the signs of BPD from all the many articles I have read.

We thought that calling 911 would be HELPFUL, a wake-up call. Instead it only heightened her rage and hatred toward us, her parents and her sister whom she seethes was "complicit". She does not see any consequence to her choices, nor any empathy for how it has been for us trying to handle her, she hears nothing/it doesn't get through to her when we say we love her and thought we were saving her life, we thought she might not wake up. She screamed that she was fine! she just wanted to sleep! there was no need to call 911! you did it to punish me!  She says, "It was the most traumatic experience of my life! 9 people talked to me all night! I had no phone, nothing to do! It was terrifying - you don't know what they put me through! You did this to me! I will never forgive you! NEVER! I hate you!" She blames us 100% for every choice she makes in her reckless behavior.

This incident did not come without fair warning. We had a caring conversation in early July that if she became so terribly drunk again to a dangerous level, we would need to call 911/take her to the hospital. Because - this type of drunken incident had happened before a month or so prior, when we SHOULD have taken her to the ER. Instead that July night we pumped her with Gatorade, water, crackers and her sister held her all night long on her side and we checked on her throughout the night. The next day we made clear that if that ever happened again, we would call 911/take her to the ER. And so, it did.

High honor roll high school achievements, college applications and acceptances to all schools applied to accomplished, she stated to a therapist after the July extreme intoxication - "I have been the golden child for so long, I deserve this." "This" meaning freedom to party and do whatever she wanted, equating freedom to reckless and harmful behavior. Therapist said she is "self medicating" with alcohol, modifying her emotions. This is all compounded by a boyfriend that fuels discord between us. He has exacerbated our downward spiral with our daughter. She would go with him to a parked location for frequent sex in a car, he was supplying parties with hard liquor and her with her own bottles of vodka which she would sneak and stash in our home, one time sneaking out of our house in the middle of the night with vodka to go meet him in a park.

We have tried implementing consequences for some of her behavior over the summer (lying, deceit, blowing curfew, being drunk), like taking her phone away for a day, not giving her the house alarm code, scaling back her curfew, not letting her use the car. She takes it all as a punishment to her core and not as a consequence for unrestrained behavior / ignoring boundaries or rules.

All our attempts to reach her in conversations have been circles of turmoil that go nowhere because she refuses to have any accountability. It's all our fault. It doesn't seem to register that we love her and are acting as parents.

You might be wondering how dorm move in went? She was the girl I know and love, pleasant fun witty cooperative. Move in went well, I am thankful for that. The next day, she saw my husband and I one last time to receive a rug she wanted from Target, scowling at us that we interrupted her talking to her suite mates. She did begrudgingly accept a hug and then scowled at us as she walked away with her rug.

She's not answering texts from me or her sister, which have been few and far between, totally ignoring them.

Thanks for your help.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Swimmy55]

Welcome. 
Right now, I would say leave her be.  You could alert the college counseling office and let them know she was diagnosed GAD, but because she is 18, they will not report back anything to you .  If the Doc stated she may have a personality disorder, but doesn't write it as an official diagnosis on the paperwork, it could be due to her age.  Many Psych are reluctant to give a full dx of BPD / personality disorder due to age and the teen brain ( raging hormones, brain not fully developed, etc).
 1. She is in college and that is great.
2. She was seeing a therapist after the 911 . Was it follow up, or a recognition on her part she needs therapy? Did she indicate to you she would continue seeking psych help in college?
3.  Even "normal' kids find transitioning to college difficult. Actually it is not even unusual for any kid to not contact home  a lot when they first get to college. 
4. I am not downplaying anything and good you are on the alert, but perhaps she ( and you ) need a bit of space to decompress.  She will contact you again. 
great that you wrote us, please write back as you need. 


 

[Mom185]

Thank you, Swimmy55. I really appreciate your reply.

She was meeting/telephoning a therapist for a couple of years, but has not spoken with her since the 911 call/hospital visit unfortunately. I did ask her therapist to reach out to her. Her therapist texted to talk before going off to college, but my daughter didn't reply to her.

It was after the first truly dangerous July intoxication incident that she spoke with her therapist and also a friend therapist we know who specializes in alcohol and drug abuse - to him she said she does not have any problem with drinking or otherwise, that her behavior and state of being is entirely due to her home environment. Totally perplexed by that blame, I always thought we were supportive and caring.

I have always felt blessed with a wonderful, fun, close family relationship with my daughters and husband up until her senior year when it was like everything snapped. There have been signs of her internal struggle, but I never imagined it would come to this deterioration. Covid, boyfriend, girl friendship problems, senior year ripped away from her definitely contributed.

My heart breaks for all that's happened, but I just want us to move forward in love. She hasn't wanted to hear that. I hope that some space will help.