Advice sought concerning dividing summer for custody

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

Greetings,

At this time, I am trying to work towards a settlement with uBPDw. Thus far, we are agreeing to 50/50 shared custody with weekly rotations. I think we can work it out.  

A primary motivator for me seeking divorce because of patterns of behavior that lead to parental alienation.  STBX is mostly a great person, but in the minority of time, she can't help the BPD-ish behaviors.  Blame, manipulation, blackmail, etc. I won't say much more to this audience.  She has tendencies of the waif / hermit type BPD mom.

We talked about custody early on. At the time we forged the 50/50 rotation, things were going well-enough for a divorcing couple. That was then.  Presently, I am seeing a much more sinister side.  If she is likely to keep up the behavior she is using concerning finances, then, I can't see a friendly, healthy, co-parenting pattern forming.

This is leading me to look at something more like a parallel parenting plan.  But, I think she would see a parallel-parenting plan more of a rejection, and more of a threat to her enmeshment and entitlement.

I am looking at ways to reduce contact and conflict.

From experience and advice here, what do you think of splitting the summers rather than keeping up weekly rotations?  (something like mom gets June, dad July, one year, then alternating the other year, or not.)

It would cut down exchanges. Increase a little freedom, which she would appreciate (she expects to take prolonged summer vacations at her parents place - many states away).  I am somewhat concerned with the influence of so much mom, for so long, would have on the kids. Typically, STBX holds up as a great mom in shorter bursts.  A little stress can be a bigger trigger the more she's on the spot, especially as a mom.  She gets frazzled in a day or two as the lone parent.

Would having the kids for a month long stay over summer aggravate her loyalty-conflict-inducing behavior, lead mom to be more emotionally abusive, stress the kids and mom out?

Any ideas?

I wanted to ask here before proposing the idea in the open.

[SamwizeGamgee]

Greetings,

At this time, I am trying to work towards a settlement with uBPDw. Thus far, we are agreeing to 50/50 shared custody with weekly rotations. I think we can work it out.  

A primary motivator for me seeking divorce because of patterns of behavior that lead to parental alienation.  STBX is mostly a great person, but in the minority of time, she can't help the BPD-ish behaviors.  Blame, manipulation, blackmail, etc. I won't say much more to this audience.  She has tendencies of the waif / hermit type BPD mom.

We talked about custody early on. At the time we forged the 50/50 rotation, things were going well-enough for a divorcing couple. That was then.  Presently, I am seeing a much more sinister side.  If she is likely to keep up the behavior she is using concerning finances, then, I can't see a friendly, healthy, co-parenting pattern forming.

This is leading me to look at something more like a parallel parenting plan.  But, I think she would see a parallel-parenting plan more of a rejection, and more of a threat to her enmeshment and entitlement.

I am looking at ways to reduce contact and conflict.

From experience and advice here, what do you think of splitting the summers rather than keeping up weekly rotations?  (something like mom gets June, dad July, one year, then alternating the other year, or not.)

It would cut down exchanges. Increase a little freedom, which she would appreciate (she expects to take prolonged summer vacations at her parents place - many states away).  I am somewhat concerned with the influence of so much mom, for so long, would have on the kids. Typically, STBX holds up as a great mom in shorter bursts.  A little stress can be a bigger trigger the more she's on the spot, especially as a mom.  She gets frazzled in a day or two as the lone parent.

Would having the kids for a month long stay over summer aggravate her loyalty-conflict-inducing behavior, lead mom to be more emotionally abusive, stress the kids and mom out?

Any ideas?

I wanted to ask here before proposing the idea in the open.

[GaGrl]

Either approach might work. If you alternate months in the summer, you might want the later month so you can stabilize the children before school starts.

[mart555]

I'd keep the rotation. If her behavior is bad, the kids definitely need a break.   It sucks that they'll be there 50% of the time.

[SamwizeGamgee]

I kind of wish we could try it out and see. 
So much of a good parenting plan works well when the parents can keep a good attitude and try things informally, without having this spelled out. 
Not going to work in my case...

[kells76]

Can you split the difference and do 2 weeks on, 2 off instead of the full month on/month off? And like Gagrl mentioned, maybe you do the legwork to figure out the rotation so the kids are always with you right before school.

This plan could be "sold" to her as to her advantage. She wants to take those trips, right?

So much of a good parenting plan works well when the parents can keep a good attitude and try things informally, without having this spelled out.
Not going to work in my case...

I know dude... right there with you.

[SamwizeGamgee]

I'm thinking this idea through still.  And right now, it's more appealing than the proposed plan I put forward.  Presently, the plan is to have mom bid on even years, for two vacation periods not more than 14 days. Then dad on odd years.  Each other parent can use two similar vacation periods, but not get first choice. 

As it is then, there's a lot of picking, choosing, and negotiating, and losing out. 

Basically, if there's not harm to be done to the kids (I mean not more harm than us staying married, or divorcing, or doing the two-week vacations) I'm inclined to propose this one-month vacation split.

I also accept Kells76 idea.  In summer, swap to a two-week rotation.  That's simple too. 

And to clarify, mom is an adequate parent. Everyone will be fed and cared for.  I just observe that there are toxic underpinnings to mom under "stress."  I can't imagine anything physically abusive or criminal would happen.

[mart555]

And to clarify, mom is an adequate parent. Everyone will be fed and cared for.  I just observe that there are toxic underpinnings to mom under "stress."  I can't imagine anything physically abusive or criminal would happen.

I don't think anyone here was mentioning anything violent. It's more that whoever draws the short straw and ends up the scapegoat for a whole month will find it painful.

Did you discuss this with your older kids? You've got a few that are old enough to provide their opinion, no?

[SamwizeGamgee]

Mart555- AS I ponder it, a few years ago, I had a kid confide in me "mom's really mean when you're gone [on week-long business trips]" - and that doesn't mean mom won't let us watch TV all night kind of mean. I often would come home after work and could sense this think, angry energy in the house.  And, I know in general, when STBX has anything like a workload, deadline, sore neck, or whatever, she can be a different person altogether.  She will have plenty of stress post divorce.

I am realistically concerned, but, I cannot convince a court that I sense a negative energy in the house because of the kids' outwardly loving mom.  The kids are older, so they can navigate mom better (presumably they navigate dad too). 

I know she can blame me for a lot of things. I am not sure how a month-long absence (of either parent) would work out.  I would like some psychologist input on this.

[mart555]

I am not sure how a month-long absence (of either parent) would work out. 

I think that the issue here is the 1 month presence..

It took months of no visits between my kids and their mom to realize the impact of her presence... the kids definitely need frequent breaks

[SamwizeGamgee]

Good point.  It kind of cuts both ways.

Am I foolish to think that a one month stretch with the other parent would make up for a month with the more toxic one?

Like, would half the summer make a good detox - free the kids up to think for themselves?

[mart555]

Am I foolish to think that a one month stretch with the other parent would make up for a month with the more toxic one?

I would say so.  When my kids talk to their mom on the phone for 30 minutes, they can be cranky for the next 24 hours easily.. sometimes more.   

I'd be afraid of "long-lasting" damage. 

[worriedStepmom]

If your children have already expressed that a week with mom is hard, then I would not suggest a one-month block with mom.

My SD13 would not be able to handle a month with her mom.  Two weeks uninterrupted is really difficult for her.  mom keeps her physically safe and healthy but emotionally it is a nightmare.  Mom is stressed by parenting and wants SD to reassure her constantly.  Or mom starts badmouthing H or I.  Or mom is stressed in general and SD is anxious just being around her.  We don't do 50/50, and mom is limited to no more than 4 days in a row. 

Starting with 50/50 and occasional 2-week blocks in the summer sounds like a good compromise.  You just might need to be prepared to go back to court in a year if that ends up not working well for the kids' mental health.

[ForeverDad]

Back in the end of 2013 when my son was 11, court had just ordered that I get majority time during the school year, up from equal time.  That left about 11 weeks during the summer where we had a longstanding 2-2-5-5 schedule.  (Ex had Mon-Tue overnights, I had Wed-Thu overnights and we alternated the weekends.)  There were two exchanges each week.  I figured that since she caused the majority of her conflict at exchanges, I would contest the decision seeking alternate weeks during the summer, just one exchange per week.  That would have been a relief, or so I thought.

My lawyer nixed that.  He reasoned, "Do you want the court to hear that you feel your child is okay away from you for a longer periods with your ex?"

Something to ponder.  After all, if you declare a two week vacation in the summer and your ex does the same, large chunks of the summer will be consumed by vacation periods anyway.