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BPDFamily.com
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Relationship Partner with BPD (Straight and LGBT+)
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Romantic Relationship | Detaching and Learning after a Failed Relationship
> Topic:
moving forward
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Topic: moving forward (Read 392 times)
poetryman
Offline
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: divorced
Posts: 4
moving forward
«
on:
September 20, 2020, 11:18:55 AM »
Feeling completely paralyzed after this last breakup...so many breakups and reconciliations I've lost count...I'm completely lost, demoralized, broken. this has been the longest period of no contact (going on three months) in the last nine years.
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Lucky Jim
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Gender:
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 6211
Re: moving forward
«
Reply #1 on:
September 21, 2020, 09:46:30 AM »
Hey poetryman, Welcome! Is your goal detachment or reconciliation? Fill us in a little. What makes you suspect that your Ex suffers from BPD?
LuckyJim
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A life spent making mistakes is not only more honorable, but more useful than a life spent doing nothing.
George Bernard Shaw
poetryman
Offline
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: divorced
Posts: 4
Re: moving forward
«
Reply #2 on:
September 21, 2020, 10:58:47 AM »
Thanks for reading my post. My goal is most definitely detachment! And as far as knowing if my ex has BPD, I'm not a psychologist, but I lived with her enough to see patterns emerging over and over. So a few years ago I started reading about BPD in books like; 'I Hate You, Don't Leave Me' and 'The Betrayal Bond'. etc. So I don't know for a fact she would get this diagnosis (since she was adverse to getting any mental health therapy). However, the behavior patterns were so identical it became irrelevant to me if she was or wasn't bpd. Obviously, for my part, I'm definitely codependent else I would be relieved that its over.
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Lucky Jim
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 6211
Re: moving forward
«
Reply #3 on:
September 21, 2020, 12:51:37 PM »
Hey poetryman,
Agree, detachment is the way to go and we can help you with the process.
Right, it's rare to have an actual BPD diagnosis, because those w/BPD are highly resistant, if not hostile, to any kind of mental health treatment.
I'm sorry to hear what you are going through. Nine years is a long time!
The first step, in my view, is to return the focus to you and your needs. Treat yourself with kindness and compassion. Get back to being who you are at your core. Strive for authenticity. Listen to your gut feelings. As Nietzsche said, "Become who you are!" You get the idea.
Feel free to pose any particular questions.
LJ
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A life spent making mistakes is not only more honorable, but more useful than a life spent doing nothing.
George Bernard Shaw
heartandwhole
Retired Staff
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Gender:
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 3592
Re: moving forward
«
Reply #4 on:
September 22, 2020, 10:28:21 AM »
Hi poetryman,
I'd like to join Lucky Jim in welcoming you. I totally understand feeling paralyzed and broken after this kind of breakup. I've been there, and I really felt similarly. I had never experienced anything like it in my prior relationships (and breakups).
The good news is that things DO get better. Honestly. I didn't believe that when I first arrived here, and frankly didn't care, but things actually turned around and my life changed for the better. That's what I wish for you.
Detachment isn't easy, but it's definitely worth the work it takes to get through.
Do you have support around you, like trusted friends or family, whom you can talk to?
Keep writing and posting. It helps to connect with others who really understand what you are going through.
heartandwhole
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When the pain of love increases your joy, roses and lilies fill the garden of your soul.
poetryman
Offline
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: divorced
Posts: 4
Re: moving forward
«
Reply #5 on:
September 22, 2020, 04:51:57 PM »
Thank you LJ & heartandwhole for your thoughtful reply's
There is a lot of good information on this site for sure. My current support system is dismal at best
. And now i'm trying to dig out of this pit I am in. I think I may need a therapist at this point.
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Andy1963
Offline
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: No contact
Posts: 149
Re: moving forward
«
Reply #6 on:
September 22, 2020, 05:07:20 PM »
I feel your pain
It does paralyse you, i feel physical pain every day at the moment, but i talked to my sister tonight who is very wise
She helped put things in perspective in that getting away from a BPD is an escape
Theres no way to ever resolve it, it will never improve as they cannot change without help and most don't want it,
My ex agreed to get help yet went into denial shortly after so it became impossible
Talk to people constantly , thats what im doing and it is helping
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poetryman
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: divorced
Posts: 4
Re: moving forward
«
Reply #7 on:
September 22, 2020, 05:18:05 PM »
Thanks andy. I only wish i could get to the anger phase of detachment with my ex. All my my anger seems to be turned inward towards myself, for being such a fool and naive and so-on and so-on till i'm in full blown self loathing! At best I'm able to muster up brief moments of anger that are quickly extinguished with guilt and shame
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heartandwhole
Retired Staff
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Gender:
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 3592
Re: moving forward
«
Reply #8 on:
September 23, 2020, 09:51:21 AM »
Quote from: poetryman on September 22, 2020, 04:51:57 PM
I think I may need a therapist at this point.
I recommend it. Therapy definitely helped me after my breakup.
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When the pain of love increases your joy, roses and lilies fill the garden of your soul.
Lucky Jim
Offline
Gender:
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 6211
Re: moving forward
«
Reply #9 on:
September 23, 2020, 12:02:54 PM »
Hey poetryman, Don't beat yourself up! Who knew about BPD? It's doubtful that anything you did or didn't do would have changed the outcome. Now is the time to be kind and compassionate towards yourself.
LJ
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A life spent making mistakes is not only more honorable, but more useful than a life spent doing nothing.
George Bernard Shaw
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