Hello HappySad
As I read your post, my heart goes out to you...and...it also brings back painful memories to me.
Our daughter first ran away when she was 12 and that was at a time when there was a yet-to-be-captured serial killer of teens in our area. In a span of about 2 years she ran 4 times...once even hopped a Greyhound with another girl her age to travel miles away.
This same daughter is now 54. When she got too old to be deemed a run-away, she would cut us out of her life...our granchildren's lives. Currently we are into yet another long period of being estranged...now at the 4-year mark.
It really is pointless to reflect then say...
"If only I had..." With that said, there are times when I do fall into that pit. I think back to the young Mom I was... who was devastated...so, so scared...bending over backwards to keep her home...keep her safe. I was so emotional and she read the signs...plotted her course for the years to follow.
While there may be similarities in a lot of the stories told here, for sure all situations are different therefore giving advice to someone is tricky. You, though, are in touch with your daughter's therapist who has a better picture of the situation and he/she is suggesting "drastic actions should be met with drastic consequences." As a much older Mom who has been (still is) in the trenches I tend to agree with the therapist. You cannot let yourself be held hostage. You have to keep the upper hand...set boundaries...work on appropriate consequences. Bottom line...only so much is in our power to keep them safe. The rest is up to them.
I so urge you, HappySad, to continue on here. There is a bumpy road ahead for you...your family...and for your troubled daughter. You will need all the support you can get as you work on changes that can make for better days ahead for all of you. As long as your daughter is in control, there is no need for her to change. Change will have to start with you.
Hugs to you...
...from Huat
And...to you
Swimmy55...great research in finding that long-ago thread of posts.
How well it fit in here!