Need tactics to help keep him calm and to help him detach

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Now that he knows I'm serious about end things, he's back to push-pull.

He's saying I shouldn't have to start all over with the kids and rip their family apart.

He's right I shouldn't. HA

I've stayed calm. It's all texting.  

He said he loves me, he loves us, he wants to work on our relationship.

I've said I understood how he feels, but i feel differently.

Now he's saying we can work on us, that we can have a just us marriage.

I've also already said he shouldn't have to sneak around.

Please someone help! I tried searching. I need tactics to help keep him calm and to help him detach, without raging or painting me black.

[TrulyMadlyDeeply]

Now that he knows I'm serious about end things, he's back to push-pull.

He's saying I shouldn't have to start all over with the kids and rip their family apart.

He's right I shouldn't. HA

I've stayed calm. It's all texting.  

He said he loves me, he loves us, he wants to work on our relationship.

I've said I understood how he feels, but i feel differently.

Now he's saying we can work on us, that we can have a just us marriage.

I've also already said he shouldn't have to sneak around.

Please someone help! I tried searching. I need tactics to help keep him calm and to help him detach, without raging or painting me black.

[Lucky Jim]

I need tactics to help keep him calm and to help him detach, without raging or painting me black.

Hey TrulyMadlyDeeply,  I suggest you let go of any need to control his reactions to events.  You can only control yourself, as I'm sure you know.  Perhaps you need to work on your boundaries?  See Tools, above.

I suggest you prepare yourself for an onset of F-O-G (fear, obligation and guilt), which is how those w/BPD attempt to manipulate the Non.  My advice is: ignore or rise above it, but don't give in to arm-twisting.  In other words, call his bluff as necessary.

I have a question: what is the best outcome for you?  It's hard to tell from your post.  What is your goal?  Where would you like to wind up?  It might help to define your plan, if you haven't done it already.

LuckyJim