It's been a year

[Choosinghope]

Hey all! My job has picked up in a huge way, leaving me very little time to dwell on family problems, which has been a blessing. The last slap from my mom was the intentional exclusion from group messages when my grandma was in intensive care with a brain bleed. That hit me so much harder than I I thought it would, but I think it ended up being one more important step in radical acceptance and healing. The last few months have been so peaceful, just focusing on my life, job, friends, husband, etc. I no longer wake up and go to bed with that sick guilt feeling and sense of shame over letting one more day pass with NC. It has just become my life, and what a peaceful life it is!

I was making a doctor's appointment, and they said it's been a year since I went in. That last appointment was the same day that my mom visited me last year and started off this whole nightmare of a year with her. It really struck me how much time has passed and how much I have changed in a year. It was hellish in many ways, but I'm oddly thankful for the pain and brokenness of the year. I definitely would not be in the healthy place I am now without the struggle.

One little celebration to share: My relationship with my Dad was significantly declined since June, and that's been hard. I talked to him yesterday after radio silence for 6 weeks. He asked me questions about how I'm doing. As soon as I said that I'm doing ok considering, he used that as a springboard to say, "Well, if you're feeling ok mentally, maybe you should try reaching out to your mom." At any other point in my life, I would have said yes. Yesterday, I recognized the manipulation and said, "This isn't a fight I'm going to win. I am more than happy to reciprocate if Mom reaches out to me, but I'm done trying to fix things." He wasn't very happy and used guilt, but I stood up for myself. Of course, I felt like dirt the rest of the day, so I think I still have some work to do with FOG. But I was proud of myself for standing strong. In such a messy, ugly situation, I'm learning you have to find the glimmer of hope wherever you can.

[berlem]

Wow. You sound like me. Tho I have limited contact, not no contact. This year it has been really building up. I finally said im not going to my parents house anymore. If they want to see me they can come here. Well mom had operation so we went one day to visit...since then she's starting her guilt trips again. Im trying to stand strong just like u. Im very close with my dad but because he's so manipulated by mom I can't trust him anymore either. I so much want to have peace and be free. That is what im working on. Lets keep staying strong 

[Methuen]

Hi Choosing Hope It's so good to hear from you and thanks for the update

As soon as I said that I'm doing ok considering, he used that as a springboard to say, "Well, if you're feeling ok mentally, maybe you should try reaching out to your mom." At any other point in my life, I would have said yes. Yesterday, I recognized the manipulation

Good for you!  Once you've had a successful response like this, you know you can do it.  This was exactly how I started to build my confidence.  One success can lead to another.  

"This isn't a fight I'm going to win. I am more than happy to reciprocate if Mom reaches out to me, but I'm done trying to fix things." He wasn't very happy and used guilt, but I stood up for myself.

You asserted a boundary here and that is great!  Can I make a wee suggestion for next time?  I have a gentle thought, and I'm a little unsure about sharing it, but I'm going to take a chance...  When we grow up with a pwBPD, their world view is one of winners and losers.  Personally I don't think it's a very healthy world view.  A BPD or an NPD can never be a loser, because of their disease.  So when responding to these kinds of comments from your dad (which are intended to draw you back into their conflict) I would try to use language that avoids "win" or "lose".  It's so black and white.  Perhaps, instead try something like "This isn't something I can do.  I am more than happy to reciprocate if Mom reaches out to me, but I'm done trying to fix conflict involving her."  This still sets a boundary, carries the same message, but it leaves out the winning/losing language that could maintain the conflict.  I like what you said about your mom reaching out to you, because it subtly acknowledges the Karpman triangle, and reminds him that it's her job to reach out to you about this particular conflict, not his.  Another thought about what you could say to your dad next time he brings your mom into the conversation is "let's not talk about mom right now. I'm really enjoying the conversation between us.  Let's keep the conversation between us instead".  That gently sets another boundary that says you want to have conversations with him, but about mutually agreeable topics, and not about your mom.  What he does with that, is his choice, but you are keeping the door open for a relationship with your dad.

My job has picked up in a huge way, leaving me very little time to dwell on family problems, which has been a blessing...one more important step in radical acceptance and healing. The last few months have been so peaceful, just focusing on my life, job, friends, husband, etc. I no longer wake up and go to bed with that sick guilt feeling and sense of shame over letting one more day pass with NC. It has just become my life, and what a peaceful life it is!

Choosing Hope I am so genuinely happy for you.  You sound SOO much better!  

[zachira]

Glad to hear you are getting stronger and feeling better while maintaining NC with your mom. It is amazing when we let go of a miserable relationship with a family member, how we can eventually experience relief and start to feel much better.

[soprano1]

I'm at the beginning of my season of "no contact".  It's good to hear from someone who is a little farther down the road of this.  So far my dad hasn't been instructed to be the "flying monkey" to try to retrieve me but has done so in the past.  He also uses guilt to try to bring me back, telling me we "have to make allowances" and that "we're about to get past the point of no return unless I give in", that if she feels cornered, she'll attack like an animal.  The last time, I told him that, while I have sympathy for him, I no longer have to live with her and so I no longer have to give in to keep peace.  He is firmly in the grip of Stockholm syndrome with her.  I'm done making allowances.  She can control it with people outside of the family.
Her birthday is coming up, as are the holidays.  The decent person in me can not imagine not sending a birthday card  but the me who has lived all these years with her mental illness knows that for me to reach out in this way, means she's won.  She will see any contact initiated by me as her having "broken" me.  Am I right to maintain my distance now that we've entered this "no contact" stage of our relationship?

[Choosinghope]

Soprano1, the most important thing I've learned from all this is to do what your conscience dictates. Spending time worrying about how your pBPD will react to something is futile. The reality is that you can't rationalize the irrational, and you can't always predict how something will be taken. The only thing you really have control over is yourself. At the end of the day, do what enables you to be at peace with yourself and to be confident that you are living by your moral code. Also, I wouldn't focus on her thinking she has won. Honestly, does it matter who wins or loses? Like Methuen said, it's good for us to move away from the idea of winning and losing, which can be so hard when we're raised with it. Instead, what do you need right now? What will help you heal and give you peace?

On a personal note, I'll share this. I thought the same thing you did. I sent my mom a Christmas gift/card, birthday card, and mother's day card. The mother's day card she flat out returned and sent a text with one of the most hurtful things she has said to date. She has banned me from sending her cards anymore, and she said they will just go in the trash. I believe that I lived up to my morals. I have zero regrets about sending those cards. I am respecting her desires now so I won't send anymore, but I am confident that I did the right thing, even with how she reacted. Does that help?

[Choosinghope]

Well, update time. I called my dad again today after 3 weeks of silence. It was not a pleasant conversation, which I had suspected before calling. It was stilted, uncomfortable and I hung up tearing up. It's been a year, and it still hurts. I called my H and told him about it, and he said, "What did you expect?" He asked why I even called, and I said because I felt guilty that we haven't talked in so long. He pointed out that I knew it wouldn't go well, and I still called, then suggesting that I'm just operating under a guilt complex. Then I got mad. Even though it's true.

So the crux of the issue is that my dad keeps forcefully suggesting that I reach out to my mom. I told my dad no again today, that she needs to reach out to me. The message I'm getting through all this is that it's my responsibility to fix the situation. My mom obviously can't reach out to me--even though he insists she would love to talk to me. The longer this goes on, the more my relationship with him is deteriorating. And no matter how many times I tell myself it isn't something I can fix, I still have this damn guilt eating away at me and prompting me to call my dad when I know it won't end well, telling me I need to try harder, and then making me feel like  because I still believe deep down that this is all my fault. So here's my question: how to defeat the guilt? When will it stop eating at me? I feel like I've gotten so strong, and yet I'm still brought down so easily by guilt. And obligation too. My brain knows something that just hasn't reached my feelings yet.

[Methuen]

I am sorry your dad has decided to continue to go the route of enabling your mom, participating in the Karpman Drama Triangle, and allowing your mom's dysfunction to affect his relationship with you.  How sad for you both.  You are at least trying to have a relationship with him, but he is shutting you down.  That is his loss Choosing Hope.  He is responsible for it.  He is making those choices.  

So here's my question: how to defeat the guilt? When will it stop eating at me? I feel like I've gotten so strong, and yet I'm still brought down so easily by guilt. And obligation too. My brain knows something that just hasn't reached my feelings yet.

I wish we could go for a walk together!  You remind me of myself a year ago, in a couple of ways.  I was desperate, and hungry - no - starved - for some hope and some strategies: for coping, for my own well being, for how to navigate my relationship with my mom, for how to lose the anger and frustration that had built over years...

There's probably as many answers to how to defeat the guilt as there are people suffering it.  I think we just have to keep trying different things until we find something that works for us.

Reading your last post, two things came to my mind that have helped me.  
1) Radical Acceptance.  I get the sense that you've kind of accepted your mom as she is, but you are still hoping that despite the problem with your mom, you can have the relationship you would like to have with your dad.  He however, has a different agenda.  My dad passed away 14 years ago, so I'm not having to navigate the same dynamic you are.  After my dad's passing, I became mom's sole emotional caregiver, which came with a different set of problems.  If your dad can't see your mom's illness, and has dedicated himself to perpetuating the Karpman triangle, then perhaps one way for you to step off the triangle is to accept that what he is doing is his choice, and stop wanting him to change, because he either can't or won't.  Radical acceptance.  There is usually a grieving process that accompanies this, but afterwards, there came (for me) a certain degree of liberation because I stopped wanting what I couldn't have (a normal mom).
2) Mind Over Mood Workbook: Changing how you feel by changing how you think. 2nd Edition,  by Greenberger and Padesky.  The workbook uses CBT.  My T recommended it for me, and I can't say enough good about it.  I ordered mine online for about $20, and I've worked through it own my own, whenever the "need" hit me.  As a workbook, you actually do exercises, reflection, thinking.  By the end of it, it gives us a new set of skills for managing FOG amongst other things.  Your post asked about how to defeat the guilt - well this workbook has helped me immensely with that.  You say your brain knows something that hasn't reached your feelings yet.  I believe this workbook provided one of the turning points in achieving that for me.  

Other people may have other suggestions.  Just keep trying things until you find what works for you CH.  It can get better.