Why is it so hard to find support?

[Melissinde]

I feel so isolated. I feel like I can't talk to my friends and family about what's happening in my relationship with my uBPDbf anymore. I tried reaching out to a facebook group for people who have BPD to get advice from them but they only had the same answer as my friends which is: leave him.

Everytime I want to open up about what's going on, or get pieces of advice about how to deal with the situation, everybody comes with the same ready-made answer as if it was so easy, and not taking into account I do not intend to leave him at the moment anyway so it's just completely pointless to tell me to do so.

As for the people who support him, we live in France but he comes from England so his mother, with whom he has a close relationship, and his best friend are far. I talk to his mother sometimes about what's happening (she had no idea he had such bad mental health issues and all the symptoms coming from BPD) but except from expressing concern and her being sorry... she doesn't do much. Doesn't insist that he gets therapy or anything. His best friend is very concerned about him but he is far and I'm not sure he has a full understanding about what's going on.

This is so hard. I feel so alone. I feel like there is no one I can talk to about what's really happening while being able to be respected in my desire to stay in the relationship.

I wonder if hearing "he is toxic, leave him" has ever helped anyone but it's not helping me. I KNOW he has toxic behaviours. How many people who have BPD don't have them? Hence why I need to open up... but no one wants to listen.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[GTK]

Hi Melissinde - I don't like when people posts go unresponded to, so I'm responding to, if for nothing else, you can feel that someone has read your story and cares.

I'm with you. There are people like us who like to read about coping strategies that don't involve divorce or leaving. That's, too often the answer from many people on relationship boards. I know my wife would be utterly destroyed if I left her. I'm her sole means of support, her healthcare (here in the U.S.) I've set up the accounts that will provide for a comfortable life for us TOGETHER when we reach a stage where I can no longer work (she's already at that stage). Based upon the vows I swore 35 years ago, leaving her in such a state goes against every one of those vows, so I won't. And certainly not like I want another woman. This relationship has taught me how incredibly foolish I can be in the early "falling in love" stage with a woman . . . and I won't be fooled again. I make a fine companion for myself.

I can't speak for support groups in Europe. I'm looking for some here in the States. With the pandemic, they're all online right now, which is fine with me. In many ways, I prefer that. The problem with the groups I've found is that they all meet for a hour or so in the early evenings. In the early evenings I'm almost always having just cleared away the dinner I cooked for my wife and I'm settling in for a night of listening to complaints from her on how everything and everyone (including our adult daughters) suck. If I were to step away to be on the computer and, God forbid, she hear me speak sentences where I'm expressing how I'm not ecstatically happy with her . . . .she'd go stark raving nuts in anger . . . and I just don't need that.

Look for those online meeting groups, if you do have some time to step away from your BPD person and be out of his ear-shot. Discount (tune-out) the "you must leave" folks and lokk for the folks with coping strategies.  I wish you peace.

[Carruthers]

I really understand this.  It's really hard to find support because it's impossible to talk about.  I don't really talk to any of my friends about it and my husband would hate for anyone we know to know about his BPD diagnosis - we have talked about how maybe overcoming that stigma might help with not having to pretend to be normal - but right now he feels very ashamed of it so I have to carry it alone. Not helped that my family were pretty negative about him when we got together so he is extra determined they shouldn't know his diagnosis...but that makes hiding it while covering up for his BPD behaviour really hard, and probably not very healthy.  It's hard, but this seems like a good place to reach out.

[GTK]

Carruthers - your husband has an official diagnosis from a medical professional? That's great! To me, that seems like that should be 90% of getting you both to a better place!

My wife has that aspect of BPD where she just knows she's totally justified in her insane levels of anger because of people around her (including closest family) that are intent on treating her badly. (And yes, just a simple disagreement with her shows a desire to treat her badly worthy of a nuclear attack response).

To her mind . . .she doesn't need help. Everyone else on the planet just needs to learn how to react to her, talk to her, treat her . . . . .and then everything would be fine.

[Carruthers]

GTK - it definitely does make a difference - and it's taken seriously by  health professionals over here (UK) which makes my OH take it seriously too.  But even that can have its flipside ie "I have this incredibly serious illness, it's a crime you expect me to ..." (fill in the blanks!) and a sort of licence to behave badly... But all the treatment over the years does mean that he has an overarching awareness of what is him and what is BPD (once the bad attack is passed) and we can at least talk about what's going on.