Strategies for dealing with someone who is projecting?

[Our abuse recovery guide]

Hi there,

My sister-in-law projects what she is doing onto my mother and others.

What strategies are there helping someone who BPD be aware that they are projecting?

[PowerPuff]

Hi there,

My sister-in-law projects what she is doing onto my mother and others.

What strategies are there helping someone who BPD be aware that they are projecting?

[zachira]

I don't know of any effective strategies for making a person aware that they are projecting onto others feelings which belong to them. There are strategies however for not taking on the feelings that are being dumped onto you. I find extremely helpful the one that my therapist recommended to me to observe how I am feeling inside when with a disordered person rather than focusing on the person who is doing the projecting. When a person is talking badly about someone else, than you can refuse to participate in listening to what you are hearing. You might want to learn more about triangulation, which is what it sounds like you are dealing with when you SIL talks badly about others. Can you tell us a little more about your situation with your SIL and how her projecting affects other family members?

[PowerPuff]

Hi there. Thanks so much for your reply.

Her projections have no effect on me.

However, she is fixated on my mother. Both her parents passed away, her mother passed away in her early 20s and her father in her late 20s. I believe her mother also has BPD. I imagine she is fixated on my mother is because she experienced neglect and because her mother is no longer with us.

My Mom is a very caring and sensitive person. Any attempts to help my SIL have been met by being ignored or aggression, and then my SIL blames my mother and says that my mother is the one is doing these things.

As a result, my mother has kind of shut down in response to her. Everything she does, in my SIL opinion, is wrong. My mother desperately want to help her with her kids and in life in general, but if she helps, she's told its the wrong time. It she leaves her alone, then she's accused of never helping.

I have heard some strategies regarding addressing projection, ie. repeat what they just said back to them.

My understanding is with people with BPD is that they don't like to be criticized. Are they any strategies to demonstrate to them that they are the ones that are exhibiting this behaviour?

[JNChell]

I’ve read about a strategy that is coined “observe but don’t absorb”. I think that this lines up with what zachira has laid out. See it for what it is, understand why and where it’s coming from and try not to take it personally. I understand that these things can get under the skin. Like all tools of all forms and functions, it’ll take some practice and discipline. Any thoughts? Maybe you can help your mom understand a bit more with this theory.

As hard as it is, validating the pwBPD can be helpful. This is still very hard for me in my own situation, but I have read many accounts that it can help when it comes to communication. In many instances, it’s like trying to effectively communicate with a toddler. Therein lies the crux. Communicating with an adult that is developmentally arrested in their minds.

Do you think that your mom will understand this stuff and be on board with it? I know that much more of the older generation doesn’t really have an ear for this stuff. I get it. A lot of my generation doesn’t either because they’ve been through things like this, and that’s a good thing. It is hard to be understood, though.

Since your skin is thick to the situation, do you think that you can help facilitate things between her and your mom? This is toeing the line on triangulation, so tread carefully. Your mom is in a catch22. She just wants to be grandma and the kids will benefit from her affection and experience in life. Are you up for being a mediator of sorts, but being very careful about it so that these kids are exposed to a healthy and nurturing environment? At least as much as possible?

[PowerPuff]

JNChell, Thanks so much for your reply.

Truthfully, I want nothing to do with my Sister-In-Law. I’m only entertaining her behaviour for the sake of my parents and the kids.

She has not been diagnosed BPD yet. But certainly fits all the symptoms. The goal at the moment is getting her to behavioural therapy.

I spoke to her today and she said it’s next on her list. . . I sincerely hope she means that. Her children have shown signs of emotional abuse, like stealing, problems at school, anxiety and panic attacks. They are only 7 and 8. I’ve not witnessed the abuse, but I know she has rage outs. I would like some insight in regards to whether I should contact children’s aid. I know they won’t take the kids away, but I feel like this may lend some accountability.

 My brother has also shown signs of emotional abuse and basically just agrees with everything she says. She’s closer with my other SIL, who also agrees with everything she says, but blames my brother.

I’m definitely fighting an upward battle.

My mother Seems to actually has a pretty good understanding and attitude about it.  She feels like she is damned if she does and she is damned if she doesn’t, so no point I worrying what she should or shouldn’t do. However, I know both my parents desperately want to see their grandchildren.

My SIL literally finds anyway possible to blame my mother about why she is miserable. My SIL often claims that mom is the who is doing the things my SIL is doing, ie. She claims my mom is never there for the kids, but my mom has phoned, and phoned, but my SIL always says it’s not a good time and never phones in return.  My SIL has been doing this On and off for 8 years now.

When I spoke with my SIL today and she said and is doing some awful things. She stopped letting my Dad take the kids to school because she interpreted  something my mom said as insulting. I told her it was unfair to punish my father because of something my mom said (which wasn’t insulting at all).

I’m a martial artist of 25 years and teach Others to address aggression all there forms. Based on what I’ve read here and other research on BPD, People With BPD Are emotionally and psychologically abusive.
Victims are taught to cope with them. This does not make sense.

Abuse is abuse. If someone was regularly getting punched in the face, you wouldn’t suggest they cope with getting punched in the face.

The most important thing for me is supporting those who are being abused. I think if there’s any chance of resolution,  it’s 100% dependent on her receiving and committing to therapy. Are there any effective strategies in getting someone with BPD do commit to that?

I’m not against the idea of mediating, but she has yet to be diagnosed,  and based on what I’ve read here, is more defensive than the average BPD. I think a professional mediator would be needed, or maybe a intervention is needed. . . Not sure if anyone has experience doing an intervention with someone with BPD. My initial thought is that interventions with this population do not go well . . .

Any advice is very much appreciated.

Thanks.

[JNChell]

Regardless of what she says, I wouldn’t place much hope in her entering therapy and following through with it. Effective therapy for BPD takes years. The better part of a decade. The kids will most definitely be acting out. It sounds like your brother is in deep. That won’t help the kids if he is codependent upon your SIL. At this point in time, it sounds like the kiddos need some real attention. Does SIL allow you time with them? Are you willing to make time for them if it’s available? A lot of cases that I’ve read about involve a child having some time away from the chaos and toxicity to see a different way. I speak from experience. It doesn’t have to be complicated and it’s better if the kids don’t know that it’s an intervention. They’re simply having a nice time and seeing a different side of the spectrum. Time is of the essence for the kids. What do you think?

[PowerPuff]

Hi JNChell,

Yes, my SIL and brother are in a very codependent relationship.

I’m 100% up for spending time with the kids, however I live 2 hours away. My husband and I try to get over that way when we can.

Even when I’m in the area to visit my parents, in many instances, I’m also told it’s not a good time and other excuses. On several occasions I’ve offered to take the kids for a weekend, but she makes the excuse that it’s too far.

Is this a lost cause?

I’m tempted for us to just show up when we feel like. But, I know some family members have been met with locked doors, locked windows, lights off like no one is home. Eventhough the car is there.

[JNChell]

I don’t think it’s a lost cause. Phone calls and care packages can have a lot of meaning. This sounds like a very tough situation. I don’t really know what to say at this point. On top of your SIL’s personality, there is two hours of distance. Those are difficult barriers. She’s uncooperative. She won’t agree to what she says she wants. Do you think that communication skills that cater to her emotions might be a step in the right direction? As I’ve said, it’s very hard to do. Consider your motivations and what you would like to see happen with the kids, your mom and all involved.

It sounds like you’re already very good at not getting into conflicts with SIL. Maybe if the kids start requesting time with you and hubby, it will be a little harder for mom to come up with excuses. Just a thought.

[PowerPuff]

Thanks for your support, JNChell.

My barrier at the moment is I genuinely think my SIL is a horrible person. Only horrible people behave the way she does.

I’m well aware of viewing things in terms of behaviour, and that’s the way I address the things she does with her. But behaviour is an indication of who we are. . . Horrible actions only come from horrible People.

I admit I do have moments where I would like to explain to her why I want nothing to do with her . ..But I then consider the well being of my family and how that decision will impact them.

I’ve encouraged my mother to do some reading on BPD. Do you think  My mother  learning communication strategies to help negotiate with My SIL would be beneficial?

My SIL really has it out for my Mom, I just don’t want to set my mom up for further disappointment. . .She already puts a lot of thought into what she says to my SIL to avoid conflict and does nothing to induce conflict already. My SIL just interprets everything as a slight. . . .

I don’t know where that put us in terms of strategy. . .

[JNChell]

This is the hard part. Meeting people where they are. It’s very easy to label SIL as a terrible person. If layers are removed, she became this way for a reason. I’m not defending her. She’s pulling some messed up  and is being manipulative on a toxic level. There is a “but” here. People aren’t born to act this way. SIL was taught to act this way. Just like you were taught to not act how she does. Understanding and compassion can help lessen the conflict. But it takes A LOT OF PUTTING PRIDE ASIDE BECAUSE IT FEELS LIKE A BUNCH OF BS WHEN DEALING WITH THIS! it can get so out there and mind bending.

Do you think your mom is open to it? If so, yes. 

From your history and memories, why does your sister have beef with your mom?