nasty mother

[Our abuse recovery guide]

  This is my first time writing online about how hard it is living with a mother so emotionally unstable. Shes overweight drinks too much and is sleeping with a married man. Yet for all her wrong doing I am the one who is always the problem. I am overweight, my relationship of 10 years is invalid and I just feel stuck. I am 30 and terrified to do anything at all with my life for fear of her horrible judgement.. I feel she likes me when I am down and feeds of my negative and depressed self. I am currently trying to get sober and stay that way. I dont know how to keep it up. I am going home tomorrow after a week in my partners house with her parents and I am dreading it  because I do not want to freak out if she starts something. I am very very sensitive and she is so nasty it scares me!

I Dont even know where this message is going . So I Guess I will sign off

[Beckyboo9991]

  This is my first time writing online about how hard it is living with a mother so emotionally unstable. Shes overweight drinks too much and is sleeping with a married man. Yet for all her wrong doing I am the one who is always the problem. I am overweight, my relationship of 10 years is invalid and I just feel stuck. I am 30 and terrified to do anything at all with my life for fear of her horrible judgement.. I feel she likes me when I am down and feeds of my negative and depressed self. I am currently trying to get sober and stay that way. I dont know how to keep it up. I am going home tomorrow after a week in my partners house with her parents and I am dreading it  because I do not want to freak out if she starts something. I am very very sensitive and she is so nasty it scares me!

I Dont even know where this message is going . So I Guess I will sign off

[Methuen]

Hi Beckyboo   We welcome you to our community.  I can hear lots of distress in your post.  It sounds like home feels toxic to you.  Does that sound about right?  Is your mom diagnosed, or undiagnosed?  (Many of us here have undiagnosed SO's because they are almost always in denial right?  Like you say, according to her, you are always the problem...never her.)  You mention you are going home tomorrow, and you are dreading it.  Do you have to go home to this situation?  It sounds like you have been doing some work (you mention getting sober). Let us know how we can best support and help you.

[PearlsBefore]

Obviously I'm not an expert, and reading between the lines can be dangerous especially with a very short patient history - but one thing you said stood out to me, "She likes me when I am down, and feeds off my depression".

If she hasn't been diagnosed Borderline Personality and you're not quite certain having read exhaustively on it, it might be worth reading a bit about narcissistic mothers and seeing if that fits her symptoms more closely - they often need to feel that their adult children are dependent on them, to validate themselves as heroes, and even sabotage efforts to lose weight, or get sober, or move into their own place, etc...whereas that's not as common with BPD mothers.

Where it sounds like you acknowledge your own shortcomings, they might be the best way to bring your mother to discuss the possibility that she has some as well - a variation of "Hey, you know how I struggle with X, well it occurred to me that you've probably struggled with that over the years at some point, right?". Ideally things would move from there to therapy, etc.

But it's possible I'm just misinterpreting the situation - and either way, welcome to the group and we're all-ears if you need to talk further.

[Beckyboo9991]

@Methuen

My mam is undiagnosed and will never ever go to see someone. Shes told me that before already. Since sending that message I havent actually been home. I am still in my partners house. She has messaged me saying "is there something wrong, its not normal being out of the house so long" and I told her nothing was wrong. Im actually quite scared for my sobriety to go back if I am honest! I cant do so much work on myself and then she says or looks at me and it ruins it all. And I also have a bad temper and get so upset and sometimes see a slight smile when she gets me to that point because then she is the victim.

@PearlsBefore Yes, I read up on narcissistic mothers and she definitely fits the bill. But I've spoken to her before about her drinking and binge eating and shes said she is never going to change. I think it's me that needs to be the one to get the hell out of there! Its tough though she can be so manipulating and then
i end up feeling bad you know!

Thanks for the advice you guys it means a lot

[PearlsBefore]

Well if you're able to get out of there yourself, that would give you the added impetus of a bit of "competition"; hopefully she decides to also try to improve herself in your absence (even if in her mind, she's just trying to prove she wasn't the problem) to compete with you getting yourself so much further ahead.

DBT is a type of therapy that a lot of people here rave about; it's intended for both BPD persons AND for persons who are learning to better cope with their BPD loved ones - so it might be something worth considering; even if a private therapist is not financially possible, there are often NEA-BPD or similar support groups running the program for free in major cities.

[GeekyGirl]

Hi Beckyboo9991,

Your sobriety and well being are the most important things in this situation. Reaching out for help here is a great first step to take better care of yourself.

How are you doing today? I see that you decided to not go home. It's hard to be on the receiving end of criticism and judgement like you mentioned. Sometimes taking a break is the best thing to do.

I cant do so much work on myself and then she says or looks at me and it ruins it all.

It feels like an uphill battle sometimes, doesn't it? Sometimes I've found that I have to really work at fighting that inner dialogue that my mother has instilled in me. What really helps is to stop, realize that it's really her projection, and change that self-talk.

What kind of support system do you have for yourself?

Keep posting--it really helps. There are many of us who can relate to what you're going through.