I’m lost

[Lilac3]

My (now) ex-boyfriend is an undiagnosed borderline.

We’ve broken up at least ten times in a very push/pull relationship. This push/pull has gone on since January. Before that, he was a dream come true. I’m sitting here, a year after our first date, kind of reminiscing and also shocked at how different things are a year later.

There were red flags along the way. At first, he’d randomly get angry about money and how I wasn’t helping pay for dates. Then the sex got kind of weird. He’d just get inside his head and not be able to “perform”. He’s almost controlling in a way. Early in our relationship I tried to save the day. Paid for some of his debt, ignored his overspending, ignored the gambling and his excessive drinking. He goes through depression phases and has threatened suicide. He just says “something isn’t right”.

Stupidly enough I miss him. Maybe I miss what things were at first. We still see each other every now and again. He texts randomly, mostly late at night or when he’s drunk. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to let go. 

[formflier]

I'm so sorry you have been in a difficult relationship.  I can assure you we are a group of people that "get it"...we get the crazy way they flip things around.

https://www.bpdfamily.com/content/what-does-it-take-be-relationship


I'm hoping you can read this article and see what rings true to you.

Also if you can think about what we can help you with, since strategies to rekindle a relationship are different from those to "detach".

If you aren't quite sure...we can work through that too.

I'll check back in later,

Best,

FF

[Lilac3]

If I’m being honest, that entire article resonated with me. I’m not sure what I want.

It’s hard to accept that the idealization phase is never coming back. I think that’s what I’m holding out for. But, at the same time, I think I’m also holding out because I actually do love him and want to see him get help. But, again, I can’t make him do anything and he doesn’t even know (that I’m aware of) that he’s BPD. I just want to scream it at him sometimes. He knows he’s not “normal” and he always says he “doesn’t feel right”.

I don’t know if I want to rekindle or detach.

[formflier]

So I recommend you stay here on the "conflicted" board and sort through your feelings on this.

Please clarify your status with him right now and how much communication you have.

Is he asking for something?  Pulling you in or pushing you away?

I'm glad you came back to post...we can help.

Best,

FF

[Lilac3]

I’m glad I finally found an outlet. I’m already grateful for this board.

My status with him right now is...friend? I think, in his head, we’re on a break every time he pushes. In reality (as non-BPD) we’re broken up.

Most recent example: Yesterday, first time we’ve communicated in about 6 days. I asked him about Microsoft TEAMS. He mentioned last weekend that his company had started using it and I teach with it. I needed some troubleshooting. I text him and ask a question about it. He couldn’t help me because he hasn’t gotten deep into TEAMS quite yet. I left it at that. A few hours later, he starts pulling. Since I didn’t respond he says, “Good talk ” a few hours later. I text back and told him I’d gotten absorbed into work and other responsibilities. A few texts go back and forth and then he says, “you said you’d come up to my house tonight since I came down to yours last weekend” ...a few more texts go back and forth and he’s being oddly sweet and I agree to come up. I get halfway into the hour and fifteen minute drive and he says he’s going to bed. Push. Again, a few texts go back and forth and I’m pissed and tired of playing this game. He claimed he didn’t say he was going to sleep, he did say it. I showed him where. He said he was joking. I told him, “Got halfway there and you started playing games. I’m not playing anymore”. I turned around and went back home. That’s been the last communication.

So, long story long, he’s pushing. He’s been wanting me to come see his new place but I haven’t been able to yet.

That’s how fast push/pull can happen with him though. A matter of minutes.

I’m glad I’m here. I truly need guidance.

Thank you

[squirrel20]

Let me share our experience with our BPD daughter and her marriage and what she did to our ex son in law.

They dated for 5 years, both well educated, great jobs.

He came to us to ask to propose, we were thrilled.

We saw things, we knew she was a bit off. She’d had some issue for years...turns out it’s BPD.

$20k wedding and less than 3 months into marriage, she cheated, divorced by 6 months. Screwed him out of the house, everything they created over 5 years. Crushed him...threw him out like a piece of trash.

Her treatment of him, as he revealed after was similar to your experiences. She caused lots of issues with his family as well.

He is doing better a year later, but really was blown out of the water by her behaviors. He will always be wary of new relationships thanks to her.

As a mom, all I can say is go. Leave it. Hard? YES! But they do not change and they will always have these issues.

BTW...in a year...our daughter has had THREE additional relationships. They cannot settle. The minute that honeymoon phase is over, the whole thing is.

[AskingWhy]

Lilac, you are ahead of the game in your understanding BPD.  

I had a uBPD H devalue me and ghost me after 5 years of marriage.  No warning.  Just one day, out of the blue, he came home from work and told me he was leaving, and then left the house.  I never saw him again.  He filed for divorce and had me served. My current H is also uBPD and covertly incested with his children from his first marriage, now all adults.  It took me more than 20 years to understand this.

BPDs have a way of showing the side of themselves that they know we want to see.  They are great chameleons at this.  Jekyll and Hydes.  Sooner or later, that mask comes off and they will show the Hyde side of themselves with devaluations and rage.

They often succumb to addictions like drugs and alcohol, food addiction, sex addiction and gambling.  They try to fill up the empty hole they have in their chests where a personality should be.  

Love alone can't heal these people.  I even got my X to get counseling and that's when he discarded me.

I wish I had known, but my own FOO had a uBPD M and I did not know a healthy R/S from an unhealthy one.  

Knowledge is power, Lilac.  

[AskingWhy]

I found this quote online, "If you allow people to make more withdrawals than deposits in your life, you will be out of balance and in the negative. Know when to close the account.”