How to move forward?

[MomDee]

My daughter in her mid 20’s was recently diagnosed with BPD. She is in therapy and on medication. She is angry at my husband and I and says she has PTSD from trauma from her childhood. This is very hard for us because we have loved her and given her everything. She was a difficult child and teenager but she got through college and seemed to be doing well. Recent breakups have left her reeling. She and I got into an argument and she wrote me a vile text telling me how awful I am and that she’s done. I’m devastated and am so scared that this is permanent. She and I have always been so close and enmeshed. Does anyone else have experience with this?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Swimmy55]

You are in the right place.  I am sorry you are going through.  Familiarize yourself with this forum- look through the drop down menus above. Read as much as you can about BPD and there are a list of book suggestions in the library here.  You are not alone.  However, this is a marathon, not a sprint.  There is a bit of positive here in that she is in therapy and on meds.  Meanwhile try to put some supports in place for yourself.  Joining here is a great start. Write here as you have need.  CLick on to the names here and you will read previous posts and get backstories. 

[Huat]

Hello MomDee

Let me join Swimmy55 in welcoming you here...a place none of us thought we would ever be at when, in those happy years, we brought our precious bundles into the world.

I echo Swimmy55's words when she says "there is a bit of positive here in that she is in therapy and on meds."   Your daughter is making a decision to try and help herself...and in turn...you need to do that, too.  Too often we fall victim to our troubled love-ones.  Not only do we suffer, we hinder their efforts at healing.

For many, many years I have been the target of my daughter's attempts to shift blame from herself...her "all my woes are because of you."  When you hear those accusations often enough, self-doubt can wreak havoc in one's self.  I had to start asking myself...did you do the best you could?...did you do better when you knew better?...will you continue to do so?   My answers were/are...yes.  I'll just bet the same for you.

One of the gems I gleaned from participating here was not to...J-A-D-E.  That is, when in an exchange, do not...Justify-Argue-Defend-Explain.   We can acknowledge their feelings but to counter by doing any of those things is to add fuel to their fire.  With that said, it is so hurtful to hear/read their mostly unfounded accusations hurled at us...hard for us to be strong...stay strong.

As was previously written to you, this will be marathon, not a sprint.  So, as in a marathon you have to train.  You have to arm yourself with the tools to keep you in the race.  Personally I think you have made a great step forward in coming here.  Information on this website abounds and there are links to more.  In reading the posts of others you will soon realize that you are not alone in your hurts.  As I am reaching out to you to give comfort and support, the same you can do for others.  That, in itself, is a start towards personal healing and self care.  Your well-being is just as important as your daughter's...actually, it is first and foremost.  If you deplete yourself, you have nothing left to give.

Many here have sought out counselling for themselves...speaking to professionals who are well-versed with the behaviours of those who suffer from BPD.  Have you ever considered that for yourself? 

Once again, MomDee, welcome.  For sure change is needed in the relationship you share with your daughter and a lot of that will have to start with you.  The support is here for you as you move forward.  Hope you keep sharing...what works...what doesn't.  That information is so helpful to others who walk similar paths.

From one Mom to another...a  .

Huat

[MomDee]

Thank you so much. Your words are very comforting and it helps to know that there are other moms who understand.

[es1113]

Hello MomDee,
Wow, I wrote a very similar post just 2days ago, sounds like your daughter has been able to go to school and graduate unlike most of our BPD CHILDREN, mine tried 3 times, and has had a million jobs, just can’t keep a job.i know how you feel when they hurdle a ton of Very hurtful words at you! How can we not take it personally? I’m still trying to figure that out.but when I recently revisited this site is when I realized, it’s not just me, it’s all of us parents with BPD children. A light