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Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits. Practicing lawyer, Senior Family Mediator, and former Licensed Clinical Social Worker with twelve years’ experience and an expert on navigating the Family Court process.
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Author Topic: How did you respond to being abruptly discarded?  (Read 246 times)
Hurting badly

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What is your sexual orientation: Bisexual
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Broken up
Posts: 4


« on: October 12, 2020, 07:57:39 AM »

Hi
I've been spilt up for over a year from my BPD ex and am no longer 'hurting badly' as I was when I joined the site. I have felt much less alone reading the stories of the irrational sudden and abrupt break ups  that we seem to have all gone through.
Mine broke up with me 3 times before the final time. We were together a year and a half. Like everyone else he either absolutely adored me  and thought I was kindest most loving and gentle princess or he thought I was evil and actually trying to harm him. Nothing i between, normally the negative switch came when I wasnt there and we very rarely argued. Although I have seen him change into his second personality in front of my eyes before (it was quite scary). He didnt ever have any recollection of not loving me if he did- and he didnt have any recollection of having loved me if he didnt- and would basically look at me with pity and contempt as if I was a stranger trying to pull a fast one.
The last time I saw him he told me he had never felt like this about anyone, he wanted me to move in as he wanted to be able to spend more time with me ... no falling out, no row. Then I was blocked .from every area. No contact allowed in anyway. And its been like that for a year.

I thought he would come back. Because he did twice before, and waited for him. I sent a polite light, short letter once every couple of months just saying I was still there for him if he wanted to at least be friends and no judgement. Nothing. Gone. Now i have accepted it and will never write again. Its been 4 months since last letter

I want to know. How did you react when discarded? Did you beg , plead, go round there, try to phone? Did you get angry. Did you explain how you felt? I  ask because I didnt. I thought it would frighten him and I wonder now if he thought I should have tried to fight. Also, is it normal to let someone silence you completely without any attempt to stand up for yourself??

Anyway. I'm interested to hear your after break up reactions?
Many thanks
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Andy1963
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: No contact
Posts: 93


« Reply #1 on: October 12, 2020, 08:43:17 AM »

HI
Sorry to hear you have went through this
Im in the midst of trying to come to terms with the end of a 3 year relationship.
She dumped me and jumped straight into a new relationship without a seconds thought
If you read my thread you will see my story and what Ive been going through
Every day for me is different, some good some bad
Reading about the condition and gaining an deep understanding has been absolutely crucial for me, otherwise I would be a basket case( not sure Im not in any case)
Posting on here truly helps, Im only 6 days NC now after a couple of episodes of messaging from her
I still feel the pain every single day
But it will just take time
Read and post as much as you can as it really does help  Smiling (click to insert in post)
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Ragdolllover

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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Broken-up
Posts: 19


« Reply #2 on: October 13, 2020, 07:50:24 AM »

Hi, sorry to hear this, it's so hard isn't it.

I said exactly how I felt, and fought for him, and pleaded... He came round to dump me and was hugging me and kissing me, telling me he wanted to end things, but that he still loved me and still cares about me.

We talked that night for about 3 hours and I tried everything. Reminding him of the good bits, things he has said to me, all our happy memories, but his mind was made up.

We did stay in contact for the first week before it started to fade. Today, 2.5 weeks on, he has blocked me.

I think it depends on your individual situation and your partner's unique needs. You can only do what you think is the right thing to do, there's no 'manual' or way to a quick fix.

Also, you can't change now what you did. You can only accept that whatever you did at the time was the right thing for you.

In my personal experience, it didn't make a difference fighting for him or not, his mind was made up. Sometimes I wish I hadn't behaved like that, that I had let him leave more easily. I think it's normal to try wonder about what you did and ruminate over what you could have done differently... It's not nice though.... It's painful.

This video I found discusses rumination at the end, I found it quite helpful. Maybe you will too?

https://youtu.be/F2hc2FLOdhI
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brighter future
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Broken up
Posts: 115


« Reply #3 on: October 13, 2020, 10:12:57 AM »

Thinking back to the day of the day she discarded me in April really brings back a lot of painful feelings. We'd been talking engagement for about 5 months, and she'd been pushing for it really hard from January/February right up until the day she discarded me. I couldn't pull the trigger on engagement because of her severe emotional issues.

 Just shy of a week before the discard, she told me over the telephone that she was really frustrated with me for taking too long to propose, voiced her frustrations about the financial mess in her life, said it was driving her crazy that she wanted me intimately but couldn't be with me me until we were married (made a promise to her church to stop premarital sex and wait until marriage). In other words, she inflicted intense FOG on me that evening.But, before we hung up for the night she said, "Hey, don't lose any sleep over what I said earlier. Most of this I'm going through has nothing to do with you."  My counselor said this was probably the only accurate statement that my ex-g/f made to me during the times shortly before, during, and after the breakup.

The rest of the week she was up and down emotionally, but we spent most of the weekend together with our kids. Then the discard happened the following Tuesday when she showed up at my house and said, "I can't live like this any longer. I love you so much and would do anything to be married to you. What is your problem and why won't you ask me to marry you?" I mentioned her refusal to get help for her issues. Long story short, as she was walking out of my door, she said "Give me a few days. You know what you need to do to get me back." (Give me a ring). Before she left, I suggested couples counseling, and she seemed open to that. I was devastated but figured we could work it out somehow. We talked on and off for nearly two weeks following the split and were still considering counseling. During one of our phone conversations after the breakup, she literally went off on me again and blamed me once again for having to do without sex, blamed me that she had to spend her nights alone because we weren't married, blamed me for her personal financial mess, told me I dragged her down and no longer made her happy, etc. All I could say in reply was that I was sorry she felt that way. But, just like in the previous phone conversation prior to the breakup, she settled down once again and changed her tune. She said, "Maybe we can work this out in counseling, we'll see." It was like I was being split to black then back to white again all during a two hour conversation. We talked again on and off for another week roughly, then at the end of the following week she was out on a car date with the guy she had an affair with after she left her husband. I was devastated and let her know my feelings especially since we'd been talking about trying to work things out. Her reply was, "Brighter Future, I'm sorry about that, but we're broken up now." It was at that point (her going out with someone so quickly) the situation literally hit me in the head liked I'd been punched and showed me exactly what I was dealing with. I knew I could no longer be with someone that obviously no longer valued me and our relationship if they could run right into the arms of someone that she once called "a rebound that meant absolutely nothing to me (her)."  

During the course of the next 3 months after her running off with the other guy, I can honestly say that I didn't want her back if I could be disposed of that easily. However, part of me still longed for her, the companionship, and the wonderful times we had together by ourselves and with our children from our previous marriages.  How in the world could someone discard me so quickly when they said I was the man of their dreams and the person they wanted to marry literally days beforeh was the thought that kept running through my head.Those three months were really rough for me, and I started to pull out of the really bad mindset sometime in July.  Now I just chalk it up to the disorder we all know as BPD.  Frustrated/Unfortunate (click to insert in post)

I didn't hear from her again until September and again in early October via social media pings even though I unfriended her. Just yesterday I received an actual text message from her on my phone, the first one in about 5 months. She was essentially using something as an excuse that doesn't even matter to have a reason to talk to me and asked how I was doing. If I would have agreed to part of what she was asking me, it would have involved us having personal contact, which I did not want.  I briefly answered her question and made no reference to how I was doing. I figured the less I said to her the better. Must be things aren't going as well with her new man as she'd like if she is contacting me again. I keep saying the following statement over and over in my head that was made to me by a mutual friend of ours recently that sees my ex regularly, "She's an emotional mess. Stay far far far away from her. Nothing has changed."
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Helen53

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Estranged
Posts: 4


« Reply #4 on: October 14, 2020, 01:12:22 AM »

I was with my soon to be ex husband for 30 years. It was a successful marriage and we had many happy times but also spent many years in therapy trying to find better ways of managing our individual demons and learning to connect better. I have got stronger over the years, learning how to overcome a difficult childhood but my husband seemed to get weaker, becoming less interested in engaging with family life, more resistant to making decisions about holidays or helping around the house. Over the course of three months last year I watched as he deteriorated rapidly, losing sleep, developing paranoid thoughts about the world and about me. Nothing I said or did made any difference. Finally he left, suddenly, packed his car whilst I was at work and went to A&E saying he had been poisoned. He never returned but now says that if I admitted to having had an affair (which he has imagined) he would be back with me like a shot. So strange, but for me, once he left, he had broken a contract between us, a contract to keep trying even though life was sometimes confusing. He stopped being able to take responsibility for himself and needed to project his discomfort onto the world around him. I agree with the  statement from @brighter future
how your girlfriend said  ‘this has nothing to do with you’. It really doesn’t. This is his problem and I can no longer help him.

The heartache remains but at least he left, my path has been clear, my head tells me that it would be inappropriate to chase after someone who is no longer able to connect with me and be a husband to me. Even if I were to persuade him to meet or have coffee or even to move back in, I would risk being his carer forever, always walking on eggshells. He has been diagnosed with ‘dependent personality disorder’. He can no longer feel compassion or empathy for others. He is lost. I have lost him. It is a tragedy and I am still ruminating 24/7 10 months later.
No, I haven’t chased him, despite my heart shrieking and crying and tearing apart. I have facilitated as much contact as my children want, I have liaised with the health care professionals to advise them of what I know. I understand that part of my angst is my own codependent traits and my job is to work with those.
Thank you for the rumination video @ragdolllover

I have found this book helpful:
Whole Again by Jackson Mackenzie which is about healing after toxic relationships.
Love to you all xxx
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HopelessBroken
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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 107


« Reply #5 on: October 14, 2020, 02:57:38 PM »

For me, it was the exact same abrupt discard sequence each time, which caught me terribly off guard. Never in person, always over the phone or text. He would rage at me and the first 7 times I retreated each time as I didn’t want or know how to be part of a hurtful raging conversation. He would then go directly to another woman that he had lined up (despite being crazy in love with me).. Then I would come back around to fix things as I couldn’t handle the pain of being away from him. I would overlook the other woman part and we would be back “in love” again. The eighth discard was brutal as I disengaged completely and went NC with the help of this board and a therapist. He then stalked me, because I went NC and this caused a huge amount of anxiety for me due to him being a police officer. I worked with my therapist and joined a support group for women struggling with abusive partners. I gave in after months of NC and we had five wonderful months together. Then came the ninth and final discard where I enforced a firm and final NC and have not looked back. It’s been 1.5 years. I realized two things at that final discard. One, was that no approach that I tried would change the outcome of this relationship. Two, that if I stayed in this relationship it would end up killing me emotionally.

The aftermath is that he went again directly to another woman and they are still together. He has tried to contact me multiple times over 1.5 years. I have completed months of EMDR for a PTSD diagnosis due to his unstable and crazy behavior.  And I spent months working on what parts of my upbringing and FOO lead me to fall for this man and stay in this relationship.

How did I deal with the sudden discards?  I would get horribly upset, anxious, and sick to my stomach. I would think about  nothing but him and what I did to cause this. I would doubt my reality, and the ability to be in a relationship. I would replay over and over and OVER again what happened until I was emotionally exhausted. Until we would get back together.

What I only know now, is that it was wasted time, hurt and energy. It was abusive. It was manipulative. It was horrible. I’m thankful to have had enough courage to cut off contact for the hope of a better life.
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LighthousePoint

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: broken up
Posts: 11


« Reply #6 on: October 14, 2020, 05:19:01 PM »

I'm sorry anyone has had to go through a sudden discard.

My situation was rough because I had never heard of BPD.

My ex was the sweetest most wonderful person in the world until she wasn't. In her mind I had created a person she couldn't live up to and I think she became ashamed of that on the inside and eventually projected her own shortcomings, which may or may not have existed, onto me.

Within two weeks of her telling me she loved me more than anything in the world, and us never having had an argument, she blocked me in every way and has not tried to reach out in five months.

I made the mistake of trying to reach out repeatedly over the course of the first few months and finally gave up. I was kind, I was understanding and this board helped immensely but if their mind is made up, there is no changing it. You can only make things worse which I believe is exactly what I did.



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Ragdolllover

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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Broken-up
Posts: 19


« Reply #7 on: October 15, 2020, 04:58:11 AM »

My ex was the sweetest most wonderful person in the world until she wasn't. In her mind I had created a person she couldn't live up to and I think she became ashamed of that on the inside and eventually projected her own shortcomings, which may or may not have existed, onto me.

Lighthouse, this sums it up perfectly, I could have written this myself... My ex was just the same.

In a way, it’s kind of comforting to see that this isn’t a rare and strange phenomenon. There are people and a HUGE community who understands. It’s also extremely sad... To think there are countless others all feeling what I am feeling right now. Some worse even...

I think the “abruptness” is one of the hardest things to deal with in this situation. And also all the “good bits”.

A pwBPD raises you up on to a pedestal, they put a crown on your head and tell you you’ve saved them. You feel like a hero, valuable, loved... then they kick the pedestal out from under you and the fall is from higher up than in a “normal” relationship, so it hurts more.

This is really what I am feeling.

My new coping mechanism... Thinking and writing down all the things that were unfair on me and hurt me over the course of our relationship - WITH NO EXCUSES for his behaviour. Just objective fact of how I felt.

It’s a bit negative, but it helps balance out all the “beautiful” memories and “good times” I keep thinking of.
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