I feel defeated

[Mr Vandemar]

Hello, please bare with me as I have never done something like reach out to a support group for anything before, so I'm not exactly sure how to go about it. 

I have been in a decade plus relationship with a wonderful woman whom I love beyond words, but she refuses to confront her BPD issues and most of the time refuses to admit that she even suffers from it even though she outright told me of her diagnosis at one point in time, early on in our relationship. 

About 4 years ago she had an "episode" (sorry I don't know what else to call it) that was triggered by a minute bill paying issue and grew into an epic, daily confrontation which almost brought our relationship to an end.  I spent nearly a year sleeping on the couch in my own apartment in order to avoid making things worse with her because even entering our bedroom would set her off. Everything set her off tbh and I endured verbal, emotional, and physical abuse while being told that I was actually the one that was crazy.

We did eventually smooth things out (with a LOT of effort) and ended up having a child together about 2 years ago. There were very few episodes over the course of the 4 years since and even when they did occur, they seemed to be more manageable (I secretly did research on ways to help keep from triggering her and keep situations from blowing up, but have come to learn that it's actually called "walking on eggshells").

Recently, the episodes have begun become more frequent and be harder to handle for me and came to a culmination this past weekend where my action of disciplining our (now) 2 year old for misbehaving (note: "discipline" here refers to me taking something away from her like a toy, tv access, or other activity - not physical discipline). My spouse exploded. The verbal/emotional abuse went into full swing, laced with outlandish accusations regarding my capability and value as both a father and a partner, even going so far as to say that she regrets ever being with me. I was cornered, physically kept from walking away, and berated to the point where I broke down -  the worst part was it all took place right in front of my child. Of course, a day prior I was the "best dad ever" and the "perfect partner" whom she was "lucky to have." 

Even though I know I am supposed to ignore the words and focus on the emotion, I am struggling to do it.  These words tore through me worse than anything she has ever said to me during an episode because it attacked me as a father, something I pride myself in as I am the stay at home parent - my whole life is literally dedicated to raising this child and by all accounts (from other family member and friends) I am doing very well in doing so.

I don't know what to do.  I keep trying to get myself past the words, to let them go and help mend the situation - as I know she won't and/or will just try to move on like it never happened, something I have learned to accept - but I just keep hearing her yelling at me in front of my child.

I feel lost.  She won't seek help and even suggesting such a thing sets her off. I love her, I care about her a lot and I want her to get better - for her and us - but I am growing concerned that these episodic attacks will eventually get worse again and extend to my child. I get no help from her family, who choose to ignore it, or from friends because they aren't even aware of her condition and I would never betray her in telling them something so personal and possibly stigma causing about her. 

I don't know what to do. Does anyone have any advice? I feel so isolated and alone in dealing with this.

p.s. - please do not suggest I leave her, this is not an option. I love her. I want to help her get better for herself and our child, I just don't know how.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Hope4Joy]

You are definitely not alone. I’m new this week and seeing several new people as well. It’s got me wondering why this stigma you refer to even exists if this seems more common than anyone would talk about.

I can relate to many painful details of your post. I also have a young child, age 3. There have only been 2 yelling episodes that I know our child knows of. He has talked about them months later (and I don’t know what to say). The second one had me consider leaving for the sake of my child. I just don’t know what I would do or what my spouse would do. Just posing a question for you and me both really: if therapy is not an option for the adults in the relationship, what happens if the child shows signs of needing therapy?

I started reading up on boundaries. Have you studied up on them?

[start_again]

I don't know what to do. Does anyone have any advice? I feel so isolated and alone in dealing with this.

I can identify with your description of the behaviors – I have lived it for over 25 years.  What has helped me is support groups, please see if there are ones in your area.  Also friends, friends and more friends – the last thing I want to do is isolate and feel sorry for myself.  Posting on this board also helps.
For me things got worse and it wasn’t until I began to accept the situation for what it is and began working on myself and my reactions to the crazy behaviors did things get better.  It is not my job to fix my SO, my job is to fix myself and how I respond.  Defuse the situation and not add fuel to the fire is the ticket for me.
For me it had to be a complete mental change in how I think when the tornado is roaring and afterwards.  My thinking cannot be - how can I defend myself?  Nor can I say to myself this is your problem and not mine.  The reality is that it is my problem since I have made the choice to stay in the marriage.
So what can I do?  Listen not react; wait for the right time to speak.  Validate what I heard by reading between the lines.  Have empathy because I can show it.   Stop the negative thinking... "This too shall pass".
And finally for me is to set boundaries, the big one is to try to not allow how my SO is treating me to affect how I feel.  I am going out more with my friends and doing stuff that makes me feel happy, shooting baskets, stamp club and volunteering.  The more I am around good clean fun the better I get.  In the past I would react to the negativity by staying home and feeling sorry for myself and acting out – not good.   When my SO settles down then we have fun together.

[Vykyng]

Hello. I just joined today, so not sure I'm 'qualified' to give advice, but your story spoke to me because I am sharing the same experience. I think when you love your spouse it makes it than much harder to understand why they act the way they do towards you, and that lack of understanding only makes the frustration worse.

I have my share of stories, but the one about berating you in front of your son hit home. That happens to me as it did last night over me helping my daughter complete her 2nd grade math homework. Why did my wife fly into a rage? Well, aside from demanding that I complete the homework before dinner but not telling me that there was a specific method which my daughter needed to follow for which she was still awaiting an e-mail from her teacher, I dutifully came to rescue to help when my wife and daughter were screaming at each other over said homework and my daughter said she wanted daddy to help. I hardly noticed my wife's snarky comment of "you just want to be wanted" and focused on my daughter so we could finish before dinner. Mission accomplished...? Nope. When she finally received the e-mail from the teacher after dinner, she yelled that the homework had been done 'all wrong', blaming me for being arrogant in thinking I could help when "even second grade common core math is clearly over your head". When I reacted by looking at her (saying nothing), she called me a vulgar name right in front of our son.

I used to be completely baffled by these incidents, but as I've come to understand how her insecurities are at the core of this behavior, I understand how coming to work with my daughter when the two of them were fighting only triggered my wife because in my wife's BPD construct my daughter now saw her as a complete failure who can't help her - but saw me as a savior which left my wife with an empty darkness where relief should have been. In hindsight, the snap-back of making sure everyone in the house knew that daddy is the real failure wasn't surprising because its the BPD trait she used to helped to soothe the dark feelings she had about her own perceived insufficiency.

Regardless of all that, I too feel defeated most of the time by these incidents, and my realization of what triggers them comes too late. Work in progress.

[Brooklyn1974]

I know where you are at.  If I can share my story I am sure you can relate.  Married 16 years, soon as she moved in she was exhibiting "off-the-wall" behavior.  Did not know what was causing it, however I was the blame.  Impulsiveness was one of the few.  A lot of verbal, mental and emotional abuse.  We would have good days but there were times she got physical.

Thought of breaking it off a few times but me as the 'giver' and wanted her to get better, I stayed in it.  Had a daughter in 2008.  First few months were good until the one night she could not get her to sleep.  As I took her in my arms, within' minutes she fell asleep while I was rocking her.  My wife exploded on me, telling me how awful of a father I was.  No clue where this was coming from again..  I remember our first Xmas with our daughter, my wife went into full rage mode because I bought my daughter a tambourine and she thought that was the stupidest gift in the world, even though my daughter was smiling and playing with it.

It has gotten worse.  My wife was good with my daughter until my daughter was old enough to recognize her mother's behavior.  My daughter is 12 and is now filled with anxiety.  No security from her mom.  My wife became an alcoholic and has said and done some awful things to us.  Even though a year sober, she is still making awful decisions.  Marriage counselor gave up on her.  About 5-6 years ago she saw a psychologist and quit, however the psychologist told me she has BPD.  My wife back in June decided to leave us and rent an apartment from her ex-bf, for whom she also has a 'second' phone to contact him on.  We can't see it either.  I have told her to leave since she continues to stay over night at the house but will not acknowledge any of the strife and stress is related to what she has done or is doing. 

My daughter is a complete mess.  Lawyers told me I would need to get an eviction notice to her (even though only my name is on the deed and bought it before I met her).  This is my story.. It's a warning to others out there that have kids growing up.  Not sure about any other BPDs but as in your situation anytime I would discipline my daughter, my wife would argue with me, my daughter getting older would run to mom when I would discipline her so that she had someone on her side.  It became a triangle.  Now that my wife has pulled all security from not only me and my daughter, my daughter is stuck in the middle.  I keep using the word 'team' to my daughter to try to keep her centered.

I urge you to make an appointment with a psychologist (not a marriage counselor).  Go by yourself, once you go get the psychologist's advice on how to get your wife to go.  I would keep it positive such as 'It's a huge stress reliever, perhaps you would want to try it' then let the Dr. do their job.  My wife left after the psychologist was getting into her past (lots of abuse as a child). 

You cannot do this yourself and I hope you take care of "you".  I'm sorry you and your child are going through this, it's something I would not want for my worst enemy.  Everyone suffers.

[Stolen]

Recently, the episodes have begun become more frequent and be harder to handle for me and came to a culmination this past weekend where my action of disciplining our (now) 2 year old for misbehaving (note: "discipline" here refers to me taking something away from her like a toy, tv access, or other activity - not physical discipline). My spouse exploded. The verbal/emotional abuse went into full swing, laced with outlandish accusations regarding my capability and value as both a father and a partner, even going so far as to say that she regrets ever being with me. I was cornered, physically kept from walking away, and berated to the point where I broke down -  the worst part was it all took place right in front of my child. Of course, a day prior I was the "best dad ever" and the "perfect partner" whom she was "lucky to have." 

Among all the uncertainty in this, please be confident that you have now found the best community to listen, understand and help you.   If you could - based on the above section of your writing - could you discuss your partner's relationship with her parents? In particular any reports or suspicions of abuse of any kind? 

God Bless.

[mstnghu]

Mr. Vandemar,

I'm sorry you had to go through that and I can relate. My wife has repeatedly criticized and belittled my ability as a dad. My son and I actually have a close relationship and he seems to think I'm a pretty ok dad and regularly tells me I'm "the best dad in the world" I guess that's what really matters.

I actually separated from my wife about a week and a half ago. There have been lots of issues leading up to it but the main thing that set my leaving into motion was my wife telling me that she wishes I was out of our son's life forever. When she says things like that it barely even hurts anymore but it still feels demoralizing.

Now that I've moved out I am worried about how it will affect my relationship with my son. I also worry about what things my wife might be saying behind my back when I'm not there. I knew that I had to leave the situation though. It was just too toxic and I don't want my son to grow up watching his dad not set any healthy boundaries with his mom. I feel like my example will teach him how to allow himself to be treated in his own relationships later and I didn't want him to see me as a doormat.

[Vykyng]

Now that I've moved out I am worried about how it will affect my relationship with my son. I also worry about what things my wife might be saying behind my back when I'm not there. I knew that I had to leave the situation though. It was just too toxic and I don't want my son to grow up watching his dad not set any healthy boundaries with his mom. I feel like my example will teach him how to allow himself to be treated in his own relationships later and I didn't want him to see me as a doormat.

mstnghu - This is my biggest fear. Aside from wanting my wife to get the help she needs, this is main thing keeping me at home.  In her worst moments my wife has actively tried to alienate our kids from me, telling them in private that I was the one with a mental illness and threatening them with the permanent loss of their electronic devices if they told me what she said. Of course, they both told me (independently) even under that threat because they don't believe what she told them. They both come to me for comfort when she goes off which only makes her more angry. So, I already have evidence of what she will do if I leave, and I fear what things would be like for my kids if I wasn't there for them. But I also know how deeply my wife's raging tantrums affect me and how diminished my ability to be a stable supporting parent to my kids becomes when I react to them.

Leaving seems easy, but its very hard for me. I want to get my wife the help she needs by helping her realize the impact of her behavior, especially on our kids who are both exhibiting signs of anxiety (especially my older son), but she has absolutely zero self-awareness, and has convinced herself that I am the cause of any issues with my children, which she regularly tells me in their presence. I, too, have heard "we'd be better off without you here" too many times.

It seems we're both at a similar inflection point, Mr Vandemar. Hopefully we can find some solutions together.