Had I known...

[mariebee]

I am married to a man with BPD and have been for 9 years. We have two children. If we did not have children, I would have left him last year and never looked back. If I leave the house without him, I am accused of being "a whore" or "a slut" in front of our children. Last year I was having to leave the house 5 days a week to go to work. It was a very stressful year. With the pandemic, my job has transitioned to home. My father was hospitalized last month and died. I was not allowed to go see him. My husband threw a huge fit and threatened to not allow me back into the house if I went to the hospital because "he just knew I would be stupid and get COVID-19".  I am an RN. I know how to not get COVID - I know how to wash my hands and properly wear an N-95 mask, which we have. My mom won't come to our home any longer because my husband is verbally aggressive and antagonistic toward her.  She is easily offended anyway but he sees that and believes it is his job to exploit this weakness. If I get on the phone with my family, he rants and raves the entire call about how stupid they are. If I try to have friends, it's much the same. I tried to see a counselor to deal with the anxiety caused by his verbal and sometimes physical aggression, but then just had to endure his rant about how stupid counselors are and how stupid I am for seeing one. Now, my children are being schooled at home online with the help of his mother and I have to listen to her speak to my children in a way I think is very rude and demeaning and he is fine with it. As far as he is concerned, I am the problem, not her. However, If she were to speak to my husband the way she speaks to my son, he would get in her face and curse at her, but it's fine if she talks to our son this way and If I say anything about it, I am torn apart and told I am a terrible mother and human being. I feel powerless. I don't want to get a divorce because I think that would be worse for our children than enduring this situation but I'm having a very hard time living in this home.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Purplerain23]

I am sorry to hear your pain and suffering. What are you doing for self care? How are you tending to your own personal needs ... sounds like you are everybody’s caregiver. Did you get a chance to deal with your dads death in any way ? I am so sorry for your loss.

About you H . When was he diagnosed ? Are you sure he doesn’t have NPD? It seems to be a fine line and lots of behaviors overlap but I had to sort out before the diagnosis and his own awareness of his condition and seeking help on his own who was I with? An abuser ? I read Lundy Bancroft “Why does he do that?” While he did most of those things he still had a sense of empathy and disgust over his behavior, or maybe a Narcissist ? They completely lack empathy ... it’s bone chilling to be with a true narcissist. Or a Borderline Personality ?

For me it became either you stick to your treatment and we rebuild while I am at a distance in a safe place or you have your right to not seek help but I will not be part of that . Too easily I can loose all sense of who I am and accept unacceptable behavior. I had to make a firm boundary with consequences I was ready to carry out. Even a person with BPD doesn’t give them special powers to make our decisions for us to get to safety and make normal adult choices . I had to empower myself . It took a while for me to get the courage up and be firm and it has benefited both of us .