Need help

[Iamblessed]

Hi all,

This is my first post and I am looking forward to getting help, sharing experiences and learning from all of you.

Hello to all the members and moderators.

I am currently looking for help on setting limits with my loved one. I am at a point where I feel guilty and scared when I attempt to do that. I get worried that it might harm my loved one. Are there any online resources available that can be a good guide. I am already getting undergoing therapy to help me.

[Turkish]

We have a ton of resources here. The top level ones are in the green pull down tabs at the top of the site. More specific are the injures in the lessons and suggested reading pinned at the top of the board. Yet so much material can be overwhelming. 

Can you be more specific? How exactly do you need to set limits, and over what? It helps to start small and we'd love to support you.

[Iamblessed]

Thank you Dear Turkish !

Primarily at this stage, looking to set limits on meeting frequency. I am going through my own anxieties and at times not able to meet every week as we usually meet. Ideally, I want to change it to meet when both of us are in right frame of mind. But if I don't meet every week, then I start feeling anxious that she might feel abandoned and that I no longer care for her.

[wantmorepeace]

You can be clear that this is not about her but about you -- that you aren't doing well and need one week of alone time.  Don't even need to say why.  Can be clear that you love her AND you need this.  It's SO hard, I know. I hear myself in what you write.

[Iamblessed]

Thank you dear wantmorepeace ! This makes perfect sense. I will try this for sure.

[Turkish]

I'd be careful of over explaining or volunteering too much information. That gives a target. Try to keep it neutral.

Adapted to verbal interactions, BIFF can work.

2.03 | B.I.F.F. Technique for Communications

Brief, Informative, Friendly, Firm.

[Notwendy]

The schedule idea is a good one, I think.  A wise friend advised me to call my BPD mother on a schedule. This gave some regularity to the situation, also helped to reduce anxiety on both our parts. She knows I will call her at a specific day. If I am unavailable other times that day to talk is still there. Helps with abandonment fears.

It helps with the drama too. That day is set regardless if there's been an argument or whatever. This way, I am not reacting to her behavior.

If once a week is too much for you, try to come up with some kind of schedule for her. It reduces the stress on her part and yours. You know if you say "no" to weekly visits you are still going to see her, she knows that too ( even if she doesn't like the change).

What schedule can you manage? Maybe visit every two weeks but still call her on your weekly time? Visit once a month but call every two weeks? It's up to you-you decide - but then instead of saying you won't visit every week, you now have a plan " I am not able to visit every week but I will call you on X, day and visit on Y.

She may react at firts, but keep up the schedule and you both will adjust.

[Iamblessed]

Thanks Turkish and Notwendy. Does make sense.