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How to communicate after a contentious divorce... Following a contentious divorce and custody battle, there are often high emotion and tensions between the parents. Research shows that constant and chronic conflict between the parents negatively impacts the children. The children sense their parents anxiety in their voice, their body language and their parents behavior. Here are some suggestions from Dean Stacer on how to avoid conflict.
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Author Topic: She often used the phrase ' I was brought up differently to you'  (Read 2315 times)
Andy1963
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« on: October 26, 2020, 07:51:34 AM »

I know she had quite a strict upbringing
Her mother was a very dominating person who had very strict conservative views and , according to my ex, made her fathers life a misery
She sent my ex away to have an abortion when she got pregnant at 18, she was given no say in the matter.
I know this deeply affected her, but I picked up various clues throughout our relationship of how dominant her mother was
Strange to remember now that she often used the phrase ' I was brought up differently to you' whenever we had disagreements about basic fundamental things
How entrenched she would get in a thought process or a perspective and there was no shifting her from it no matter what I said or however much I reassured her
« Last Edit: October 26, 2020, 11:30:44 AM by once removed » Logged
Andy1963
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« Reply #1 on: October 26, 2020, 03:34:49 PM »

Reading a lot at the moment
Understanding the inner child
My codependency,  how that has enhanced my sense of loss
I think of her now not as she was when we were in a good place, but rather as a toxic part of me
I remind myself that the relationship couod not have survived as long as it did had it not been for my codependent nature
She admitted many times that were it not for my resilience we would have broken up long before we did
However, i dont see it as resilience,  but weakness, codependency and my lack of self and self awareness
I need to repair so much about me to truly heal
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Goosey
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« Reply #2 on: October 26, 2020, 09:26:01 PM »

Strangely I feel better about the whole ugly end of my marriage.
And I shouldn’t dwell on this but reading about gifts is so telling. 
I came to dread Christmas. No matter what I bought her it was always the same reaction. The careful opening of the gift. The short look at it and the drop back into the box. Not even a thank you.
  But the best(worst) was the reaction I got after I sent her flowers for her birthday over a year ago. We had split up by then.
But I spent an hour with her at a park and we had a calm packed lunch and a short walk in a nature center. After we left she was driving and became enraged and punched the crap out of me while driving like a lunatic. Somehow I got dropped off shell shocked. The next day I sent her the flowers. (? Ya like really).
I got a voice message a couple days later ranting that there was no card and they weren’t even her favorite kind and they died! 
I just kinda laugh now.  I mean they are cut flowers. 
   I don’t understand most of what could be bpd. I just know I had become the enemy and none of my begging for understanding would get me anywhere.
  She’ll be fine. We had a twenty year run and she is kind of a magnet. And I’ll be ok I think now. Time does help. Reflection does help. Forgiveness helps. And a bit of understanding of the hell she may feel makes me sad but I have to survive also.
  The one line in walking on eggshells just was so sad. How the emotions theY  feel is like their skin Is on fire.
I do believe that. I have witnessed it. And it’s so sad.
 Anyway.
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Andy1963
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« Reply #3 on: October 27, 2020, 04:07:04 AM »

Today is 4 weeks NC
I still have urges most days to contact her and I've yet to block her
But I'm staying NC, this site has been a godsend to me
Thankyou
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Andy1963
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« Reply #4 on: October 30, 2020, 01:23:24 PM »

4 weeks and 3 days since no contact and she has sent me a message
Asking if I want some junk i left in her garage
Haven't replied yet, we have a a conversation about this before and I made it clear I don't need the stuff
Should I reply?
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Andy1963
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« Reply #5 on: October 30, 2020, 01:36:12 PM »

Ironically this was the day I had said to myself, I now have the strength to block
Are they psychic?
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Gemsforeyes
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« Reply #6 on: October 30, 2020, 01:37:48 PM »

Hey Andy-

You’ve made it clear before that you don’t need the things in her garage.  Once is enough, correct?

You’re working hard on your healing, and in gaining an understanding on the “whys” of you.

Use care to not allow anyone or anything stand in the way of your path to healing.  Least of all what may on its face appear as a “harmless” text from your ex.

This is YOUR path.  Not hers to block.

Warmly,
Gems
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Goosey
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« Reply #7 on: October 30, 2020, 01:41:41 PM »

Since you made it clear before that you don’t want the stuff and it’s a trivial non emergency event it seems like trolling to me.
I get those once and a while.
  It’s hard to not respond but I have not responded and nothing ever comes of it.
  Doubt she is waiting for a response anyway.  This does get easier.
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Andy1963
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« Reply #8 on: October 30, 2020, 01:42:41 PM »

I have a few things of hers and I've been tempted to ask her if she wants them, but my guess is she wouldn't
Can't believe today of a days, my absolute strongest day so far,  that this happens
So bizarre
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Andy1963
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« Reply #9 on: October 30, 2020, 01:44:43 PM »

Thanks for the replies
Greatly appreciated
I know the best response is none
Just a bit taken aback...
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Goosey
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« Reply #10 on: October 30, 2020, 01:48:46 PM »

And I don’t think my ex was physic haha But I understand why it can seem that way.  
  Remember that you are spending all your time thinking of them so it’s not a stretch her “call” is when you are struggling with the whole thing.
  
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Andy1963
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« Reply #11 on: October 30, 2020, 06:00:51 PM »

Ok, so I didn't reply
Now a second message,  asking if I'm ok?
So here it starts , is this her trying to reel me back in?
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Goosey
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« Reply #12 on: October 30, 2020, 07:13:38 PM »

Sounds like it.
Keep the faith.
Doing nothing is not a crime.
Let it ride.
... and try (I know it’s very hard) to focus on what has transpired in the past. And then try to logically think (again very very hard) if you want to live like that.
  This does get easier.
 Everyone involved just get bored with it if there is no scrambled mess. They move on.
It’s hard but I am going through it and the noise drops to About zero with a bit of self control to not engage.
Again. It’s hard! 
And the maybe coming (again) discard is hard.
Just letting time pass without doing anything is just time passing.
  And I know when I state”gets bored with it” I sound condescending. I was a bit taken aback when someone posted that. (Apologies for my plagiarism). I did find it is true. At some point of disconnecting it happens. Painfully slow but it does happen.
   
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Gemsforeyes
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« Reply #13 on: October 30, 2020, 07:25:53 PM »

Hey Andy-

It does appear to me that she’s making an attempt to recycle- dipping her toes in to test the temp of the water.

My friend, you’re early in your recovery and it’s so vital for you to NOT allow these distractions to derail your progress.

How about you block her for this evening, or for this weekend?  Change the settings on your phone so that she cannot tell whether or not you’ve read her messages. 

And then maybe do something, anything to divert your attention for some hours.  Put a stay on the ruminations for a bit.  Watch a comedy maybe?  Telephone a good friend and talk for a bit?  Watch a few comedians on you tube? 

You KNOW why you’re out.  You KNOW why you’re working so hard.  You KNOW how your pain feels.  Right?

Your thoughts?

Warmly,
Gems
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Andy1963
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« Reply #14 on: October 30, 2020, 07:31:39 PM »

The thing is, had this been two weeks ago I would have replied in a heartbeat
And who knows what would have come of it
But I've got such a strong support network around me  with you all on here, my brother who pulls no punches, and my best friend who basically said if I get back in touch with her he is disowning me
He's much more important to me than she is, at least I realise that now
So im staying strong

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Andy1963
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« Reply #15 on: October 30, 2020, 07:34:37 PM »

And I can't thank all of you enough for your insight and inspiration
Thankyou
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Goosey
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« Reply #16 on: October 30, 2020, 07:37:39 PM »

Good you have the network.
  Lean in on them.
Your not doing wrong by protecting yourself.
That can be a hard one to realize. I felt selfish and disloyal and oh whatever but at some point self preservation kicks in.
   And believe you me the other will be just fine.
Amazing resilient they are.
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Andy1963
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« Reply #17 on: October 30, 2020, 07:41:10 PM »

Thankyou Goosey
Im so conscious that the last few days have been so much better for me
Ironic that she should choose now to contact
Im guessing her new supply isn't up to the mark
Im starting to breathe, sleep and live again
Don't need this anymore
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Goosey
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« Reply #18 on: October 30, 2020, 07:45:44 PM »

Keep the faith.
We only get one go around in this life.
Take care.
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Andy1963
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« Reply #19 on: October 30, 2020, 07:50:27 PM »

You're so right
There were weeks were I checked my phone regularly to see if she had messaged
Then just when I had moved away from that she does
Its bizarre,  but, im absolutely resisting
As my brother said , stop empowering her
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Andy1963
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« Reply #20 on: October 30, 2020, 07:53:08 PM »

What strikes me is that this interaction has rendered me impotent in terms of intelligent dialogue
Its as if she strips me bare of any ability tk form cognitive and rational argument
What is going on there?
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Goosey
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« Reply #21 on: October 30, 2020, 08:09:08 PM »

Let me guess.
Are you given the time to reply?
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Goosey
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« Reply #22 on: October 30, 2020, 08:13:19 PM »

My life was scrambled frantic really pathetic in retrospect mess for several years.
  In retrospect I am ashamed I let myself devolve into that morass of incivility.
  Just step back your in control of you.
Take the advise of other on this blog and your support.
Take a breather and do anything to live vicariously of it all for a bit.
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Gemsforeyes
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« Reply #23 on: October 30, 2020, 08:30:01 PM »

Andy (and all of us)-

We Are recovering from abusive relationships, regardless of whether our former partners were diagnosed or not.  Regardless of whether they ever delivered apologies or not.  Their behaviors were abusive.

And I believe after we spend time in these relationships, and absorb repeated abuse (although at the time, we generally don’t recognize it as “abuse” per se), our entire being is affected in a huge way.  We lose trust in ourselves along the way.  In ever knowing the right thing to say, to do, how to respond; our natural facial expression can set off a string of vulgarities and soul-crushing insults.

Andy - your wounds are so so fresh.  You need to allow yourself time to regain your footing, your confidence, your trust in yourself.   And you’ll reconcile how you truly feel about her, her constant belittling, her lashing out and her deceitful behavior. 

You’re allowed to let your feelings settle.   You’re allowed time for your own clarification.   The purpose of this contact from her (in my opinion) is to keep her fresh in your mind.  She wants you as an option.  I experienced this constantly.  I am NO LONGER an “option” for him.  My choice.

In my opinion, The benefit of NC (blocking in your case) is to give you the space for uninterrupted healing.  Even for a few weeks.  You’ll have your thoughts for sure without her input.  And you deserve that, don’t you?

And In time, you may find the desire to say to yourself “I don’t wish to know her anymore.”

My friend, after so much pain I learned that no matter how deeply I cared for him... no matter what I did, no matter what I sacrificed... I could NOT love him to wellness.  And neither can you.

Warmly,
Gems
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Goosey
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« Reply #24 on: October 30, 2020, 08:36:00 PM »

Thanks gems.
I needed that Reaffirmation also.
Have good weekend.
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Andy1963
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« Reply #25 on: October 31, 2020, 04:50:18 AM »

Thankyou Gems
Yes its so clear that she wants me as an 'option' I'm now relegated to the position a number of her other exes were when we were together , this was a common cause of conflict for us.
I couldn't at the time understand why she felt the need to hold onto these other guys when she had me in her life who was giving her absolutely everything
I now realise its all part of the condition, it all fits the pattern perfectly
Her contacting me actually underlines everything I've read and learned about this crazy condition
For weeks I maintained NC, daily i fought the urge to contact her, daily up until about a week ago, I would check my WhatsApp to see if she was active
Then, just as I'm truly emerging from all of that, she contacts me

I had thought it was one of two things

1. She just wanted to double check with me that I had no use for the things in her garage. I had thought, if that is the case and I don't reply, she will assume that anyway and no further contact is required.

2. She was using it as a soft approach to engage in conversation

Her follow up message more or less confirms that the second theory is the correct one
Do I take control of this and simply reply the following

'Yes I'm good thankyou,  I have no need for that stuff so feel free to dispose of it thanks'

Or is silence more powerful?...
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HopelessBroken
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« Reply #26 on: October 31, 2020, 12:06:14 PM »

Hello Andy!

Are you truly done with her? Truly, in your heart, never going back kind of done? Only you know this answer and it’s an important one.

If you are truly done, despite how painful this is, you do not reply and you block her from being able to contact you, starting now.

If you haven’t decided in your heart that you are done, then your polite reply answers her question about the stuff (which we know isn’t about the stuff).

What it is helpful to remember is when they reach out in these ways it isn’t about you. It’s about her and what she needs at the time.

But the damage is does is all about you. It can set you back into constant rumination, negative self talk and self doubt. Everything you have been working so hard against, so you can get yourself back.

I say all of this with a huge amount of compassion, I’ve been there.  With affection (click to insert in post)
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Andy1963
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« Reply #27 on: October 31, 2020, 01:21:00 PM »

HopelessBroken
I suppose the honest answer is I truly don't know
All I can say is that there are parts of me that miss her desperately,  there are days when I think about her a lot
But more and more and especially in this last week, my thoughts of her have diminished significantly
And those thoughts are more often than not, negative ones, memories of all the times she made me feel completely unloved and unwanted, only to apologise and recycle me
I completely know that it was a very toxic and damaging relationship for me and has left me with a lot of pain, and irreparable damage
Yet there is a part of me that still can't quite let go
I should have blocked her by now, i know that, it would have avoided this situation
But i now feel I'm two steps back
Ive  no idea what the future will hold
Im just hanging in and geting through each day
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Goosey
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« Reply #28 on: October 31, 2020, 02:24:47 PM »

All natural feelings.
  I think back on my years of personal turmoil and deep depression and ... ya all that ... and now kinda think what a sucker I was.
  I know my marriage and relationship are over.
  I don’t want to be in that type of relationship ever again.
 Yet.
   I still cycle a bit with ruminations.
 But it was UGLY and she was cruel and crude in the end so I will Never give her the satisfaction of me groveling and weeping for a moment of conversation anymore,  I will not
subject myself to her tired and untrue rants.
  I’m just bored with it. So if she pops up again with it I just hang up or don’t respond. 
  It’s B.s.— once the emotional bond lessens I can see it for what it is—- manipulation.
  Anyway she has new toys to play with. God help em.
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Gemsforeyes
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« Reply #29 on: October 31, 2020, 02:49:05 PM »

Hey Andy-

These are such complicated relationships.  And our exits are very difficult and filled with repetitive questions... over and over and over.  Mostly torturing ourselves.  Our former partners don’t seem to do that to themselves once they discard us.  Tho’ they seem to recall that we DO deliver some benefit(s) for them, so why NOT keep us on the hook?  My experience.  Many times over.  Until I made that final decision.

I had to make contact via text yesterday morning with my exBPD/NPDbf.  Have not heard his voice since his last despicable RAGE in February.  Have had no text contact since May.  The contact yesterday was brief, amicable, to the point.  Issue raised, issue addressed.  But... when I saw that a second (completely unnecessary) text from him came through about 10 minutes after the issue was settled, my entire body went to shaking.  It took me about a half hour to open it... he said “Sorry about that”.  I responded - “Appreciate that.  Take care.”  And that was that.

You’ve got to cut yourself some slack here.  You’re only 4 weeks NC.  A drop in the bucket.  So this is very fresh for you and your healing has just begun.

Bottom line is, you/I/we recognize the damage done to us.  And it’s pretty deep.  We know our hurts, our pain.  We KNOW the toxicity.  We need to understand how the abuse has truly affected us and that we CAN heal from it... in time.  But your abuser will NOT heal you.

And yes, you still miss things about her.  Why wouldn’t you?  I laughed more and was probably more myself with my exBPD/NPDbf than I’ve ever been with even my ex-husband.  And I was his “refuge”... his words.  But it didn’t matter.  And it doesn’t matter to me anymore.  I have worked hard to really see that I do not wish to know him anymore.

He’s not a kind or honest man.  And that’s not good enough for me.  I cannot step backwards and our communication is finished now that there are no more loose ends.

So if you feel vulnerable right now, take steps to lessen that for the next week, two weeks.  If that means blocking, do that.  You’ve got to help you.  She will NOT do it.  That is not where her interest lies.  And it never did.

Warmly,
Gems

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