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VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?" Parental alienation is when a parent allows a child to participate or hear them degrade the other parent. This is not uncommon in divorces and the children often adjust. In severe cases, however, it can be devastating to the child. This video provides a helpful overview.
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Author Topic: She often used the phrase ' I was brought up differently to you'  (Read 2593 times)
jaded7
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« Reply #30 on: October 31, 2020, 06:34:45 PM »

Thankyou Goosey
Im so conscious that the last few days have been so much better for me
Ironic that she should choose now to contact
Im guessing her new supply isn't up to the mark
Im starting to breathe, sleep and live again
Don't need this anymore

I've read much on bpd/npd, and read much here. Interestingly, a person who teaches about it says that when we are energetically connected to the abuser through our thoughts and feelings, we are still in IT. And when, as you did, you come to a place where you think I can step away energetically, they feel it and then know they are not in control anymore.

Sounds similar to what happened here. How are you doing. Funny, I would literally give anything to have her contact me...I'm in IT. And hello @GemsForEyes, nice to see your name here, you were such a support to me in the early days this spring.
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jaded7
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« Reply #31 on: October 31, 2020, 06:41:35 PM »

Hello Andy!

Are you truly done with her? Truly, in your heart, never going back kind of done? Only you know this answer and it’s an important one.

If you are truly done, despite how painful this is, you do not reply and you block her from being able to contact you, starting now.

If you haven’t decided in your heart that you are done, then your polite reply answers her question about the stuff (which we know isn’t about the stuff).

What it is helpful to remember is when they reach out in these ways it isn’t about you. It’s about her and what she needs at the time.

But the damage is does is all about you. It can set you back into constant rumination, negative self talk and self doubt. Everything you have been working so hard against, so you can get yourself back.

I say all of this with a huge amount of compassion, I’ve been there.  With affection (click to insert in post)

Beautiful answer...the outreach wasn't about how you are doing, it's about her, her needs.
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jaded7
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« Reply #32 on: October 31, 2020, 06:47:01 PM »

Andy (and all of us)-

We Are recovering from abusive relationships, regardless of whether our former partners were diagnosed or not.  Regardless of whether they ever delivered apologies or not.  Their behaviors were abusive.

And I believe after we spend time in these relationships, and absorb repeated abuse (although at the time, we generally don’t recognize it as “abuse” per se), our entire being is affected in a huge way.  We lose trust in ourselves along the way.  In ever knowing the right thing to say, to do, how to respond; our natural facial expression can set off a string of vulgarities and soul-crushing insults.

Andy - your wounds are so so fresh.  You need to allow yourself time to regain your footing, your confidence, your trust in yourself.   And you’ll reconcile how you truly feel about her, her constant belittling, her lashing out and her deceitful behavior. 

You’re allowed to let your feelings settle.   You’re allowed time for your own clarification.   The purpose of this contact from her (in my opinion) is to keep her fresh in your mind.  She wants you as an option.  I experienced this constantly.  I am NO LONGER an “option” for him.  My choice.

In my opinion, The benefit of NC (blocking in your case) is to give you the space for uninterrupted healing.  Even for a few weeks.  You’ll have your thoughts for sure without her input.  And you deserve that, don’t you?

And In time, you may find the desire to say to yourself “I don’t wish to know her anymore.”

My friend, after so much pain I learned that no matter how deeply I cared for him... no matter what I did, no matter what I sacrificed... I could NOT love him to wellness.  And neither can you.

Warmly,
Gems

Lovely response Gems. Your warmth comes through, as always. Yes, we have all been abusive relationships and have come to doubt ourselves and our blame ourselves for their behavior. I was just re-reading The Verbally Abusive Relationship (I read it a lot to get strength on bad days, and there are still many of them even though I'm 8 months into NC) and the confusion that abuse-verbal, emotional- causes can have us ruminating for months. Wondering if we are horrible people. Thinking we caused this )(because we were told that we were the cause of all the problems).

Thank Gems, your response brought a warm feeling to my heart, even though it wasn't for me.
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Andy1963
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« Reply #33 on: November 01, 2020, 05:11:01 AM »

Im really beginning to truly understand why blocking is so strongly advised on here
Those couple of messages,  however they were intended,  have completely thrown me off balance
Especially as i was having such a good couple of days
Been ruminating ever since, the dilemma as to what i should do
My head saying one thing , my heart something else
They are cruel cruel people...
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jaded7
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« Reply #34 on: November 01, 2020, 02:22:09 PM »

@goosey

I came to dread Christmas. No matter what I bought her it was always the same reaction. The careful opening of the gift. The short look at it and the drop back into the box. Not even a thank you.

My experience almost exactly. I don't understand it at all, when someone gives me a gift I think about them caring for me, the thought that went in to it, that we are sharing a special moment. Even if it's something I don't 'like', who cares? I want to show them I appreciate the thought.

My gf called my birthday gift "sh*tty" and "stupid" and I got it in the checkout line of a grocery store. She called me Christmas gift from over a year ago "a stupid book that I got in the checkout line at a grocery store" (not true, I want to a local boutique and spent an hour looking through things and found a book that had 60 walks in our town with history and tree identification and architecture types etc)...we loved to go on walks together through different neighborhoods and I thought this was a wonderful way to to acknowledge 'us' and to have something we could plan and do together, to build memories. When she got it she was completely unreactive, then a YEAR later she didn't invite me to Christmas (this past one) because "You want to know why I didn't invite you up this year? I remember that sh*tty book you got me last year and I didn't want to have to cover up for you in front of my family again!"

Our first birthday together I got her an $85 foot spa treatment, took her on a kayaking day trip, and bought her a $150 dinner. She was grouchy and pissed during dinner, when we went to bed that night I pulled up to her and kissed her neck and she acted cold and distant, I asked her if she just wanted to go to sleep and she snapped "What do you want? If you want sex, touch me in a sexy way!" This from the woman who would point at me to and snap at me to take off my clothes when she wanted sex.

As I mentioned, 15 months after I got her the foot spa treatment I called them and they told me she never used it.

Last year she forgot my birthday, brought a tin of cookies "as penance" when she came back from her trip. For Christmas that year she bought a magazine subscription online. Of course, I cherished both...why wouldn't I?

But this is woman who berated me and and my gifts, held a grudge for a year about one, and told me I put "zero effort and zero planning" into the second birthday with her when we were camping. And 5 weeks earlier had completely forgotten my birthday..while I was keeping her dog for the 3 weeks, after planning the whole trip out to the hour.

The hypocrisy and the downright rudeness around gifts...my god. Stunning. I simply don't and cannot understand it.
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Andy1963
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« Reply #35 on: November 01, 2020, 06:41:15 PM »

I truly feel as if I'm back to square one
After weeks of NC and focusing on myself her messages have blown a hole in everything
My rational thinking and reasoning have disappeared
Im an emotional wreck and I've no idea how to get back on track
I wish I had blocked her, I was going to do it on the very day she messaged
Its like she knew that and fired her bullet to stop it
The pain that had eased is now severe again
Lower than ive been for weeks now
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Gemsforeyes
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« Reply #36 on: November 01, 2020, 07:57:30 PM »

Dear Andy-

Yes, you feel extremely low right now.  And yes, you naturally feel that all the progress you’ve made has been wiped out.  Please try to have a bit of faith in yourself... that in fact tomorrow IS going to come and tonight’s severe pain may very well ease somewhat.  You can allow that to happen.

You DON’T have to feel like this.  You don’t.

I’m not sure if you’ve seen any of Dr. Ramani’s  You Tube videos on Narcissistic abuse.  There is one that may be especially helpful to you now (sorry I cannot link):  please google-  Dr. Ramani, narcissism ruminations.  That video helped me immensely to understand why I “thought” I couldn’t get him out of my head.

When I first found her videos, I binged and really entered my healing stage.  Those videos helped much more than my therapist at the time, who seemed to have little understanding/ empathy around the impacts of Narc abuse.

Finally my friend, please, for yourself, Block the contact.  You need and deserve the safety of the space.

Warmly,
Gems
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Andy1963
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« Reply #37 on: November 02, 2020, 03:31:20 AM »

Thankyou Gems

I have watched a couple of Dr Ramani's videos as you suggested
The key thing for me is trying to get back to the realisation that there was absolutely nothing I could have done that would have saved this relationship
And believe me , I tried very very hard
I gave more of myself than I ever have in my entire life to make it work
I know that it drained me mentally and emotionally to the point where I had absolutely nothing more to give
The end of the relationship was probably enabled by me though
In the last few months I had started to try to get her to contribute more to it
To show me more that she actually did love me the way she kept professing
Her actions often belied her words so I started pulling away thinking this would make her realise and work harder for fear of losing me
Yet all this did was feed her fear of abandonment and I'm guessing this led to her seeking a new supply
I had tried so many different things to make the relationship work and to get her to contribute to it and nurture it as I always had
But I lost sight, foolishly, of the fact that her condition was the issue, not me, not anything I said or did, the condition was king
I need to remind myself every day what motivated me to pull away,
I remember her standing at my door looking at me, imploring me not to push her away, saying her heart was breaking, but I wanted her to stop and realise what I was asking for and just start loving me properly as normal people do
I now realise it was a futile exercise...


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jaded7
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« Reply #38 on: November 02, 2020, 03:34:04 PM »

Dear Andy-

Yes, you feel extremely low right now.  And yes, you naturally feel that all the progress you’ve made has been wiped out.  Please try to have a bit of faith in yourself... that in fact tomorrow IS going to come and tonight’s severe pain may very well ease somewhat.  You can allow that to happen.

You DON’T have to feel like this.  You don’t.

I’m not sure if you’ve seen any of Dr. Ramani’s  You Tube videos on Narcissistic abuse.  There is one that may be especially helpful to you now (sorry I cannot link):  please google-  Dr. Ramani, narcissism ruminations.  That video helped me immensely to understand why I “thought” I couldn’t get him out of my head.

When I first found her videos, I binged and really entered my healing stage.  Those videos helped much more than my therapist at the time, who seemed to have little understanding/ empathy around the impacts of Narc abuse.

Finally my friend, please, for yourself, Block the contact.  You need and deserve the safety of the space.

Warmly,
Gems

Thank you Gems for this. I just watched Dr. Ramani's video on ruminations, and it is so validating. As you can tell, I'm still in the ruminating stage 8 months into NC...my posts make that obvious! Frustrated/Unfortunate (click to insert in post) I'm self-aware enough to see that.

But the responses on the video, read them...everybody who is suffering with rumination, you will hear the EXACT same things you are thinking about, said by thousands of people. The EXACT same thoughts, the exact same questions, the exact same "maybe I should have done ____ differently.
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Andy1963
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« Reply #39 on: November 04, 2020, 05:00:26 PM »

Just an update
Ive hit rock bottom and am really not in a good place
Reached out to a friend last night and he's tried to bring some perspective
But bottom line is I'm desperately unhappy and genuinely don't know how I can navigate the next few days...

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jaded7
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« Reply #40 on: November 04, 2020, 05:46:24 PM »

Just an update
Ive hit rock bottom and am really not in a good place
Reached out to a friend last night and he's tried to bring some perspective
But bottom line is I'm desperately unhappy and genuinely don't know how I can navigate the next few days...



Andy. I hear you. I've been there for months now. Find one thing you can do that distracts you or moves you life/goals forward. Anything. Go to the Dr. Ramani videos and listen to them...that's a step forward. She has a whole series. I'm listening right now in fact.

There were days in the last few months where I didn't want to go on, but I did using a minute-by-minute approach.
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HopelessBroken
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« Reply #41 on: November 05, 2020, 05:08:18 PM »

Andy, we are all right here with you.

If you are ready...and willing...write for us below a list of things you did not like about her and negative ways she treated you.

We need to get your head and your heart matching up. Right now they are in different places. 
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Andy1963
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« Reply #42 on: November 06, 2020, 08:59:33 AM »

The things I disliked about her
Every week there was a new drama in her life that needed immediate attention and everything had to be focused on that
Yet when I had something important to deal with she was dismissive and really not interested
In order for us to have a relationship it was necessary for me to involve myself with her family as two of her kids lived with her, however she refused to have anything to do with my children
My 16 year old has Aspergers and once in a rage that I was leaving her to go get him she called him a retard
Her inability to have rational argument, I felt like I was arguing with a child as would totally refuse to accept any fault in her position until after the event and even then it was only a mild acknowledgement that she quickly moved on from
Always when she would go into the dark place(as I called her glitches) she would verbally assault me highlighting every flaw and even making things up , suggesting I had said something a certain way when I absolutely hadn't
Her absolute refusal to ever accept responsibility for our constant conflict
I avoided it always and I was constantly walking on eggshells
Yet she always found away to create a disagreement, maybe something I said that she misunderstood or something I did, or something I didn't do, bearing in mind I did everything to try and make her happy
Her constant texts to ex boyfriends and continued communication with them despite me asking her to end such communication as , by her own admission, they only wanted her for sex
Her cheating with those exes and also I discovered two long term affairs she had had for many years including when she was with me, one was with a much older man who helped her out financially anytime she was short of money which she was often due to her spending addiction
Her irrational unpredictable behaviour at the smallest things, her rages, her cruelty, her scathing remarks about all those she felt were beneath her
She lacked humility, kindness and most of all, empathy
She used to ask me what it was I loved about her, and to be honest, I always evaded the question by asking it back to her
She would say it was my heart, my patience, how much she fancied me etc etc, then would say that she understood why I couldn't answer and would have went quiet
I could spend hours listing the various times she sent me home with a volley of abuse and nastiness, I used to say afterwards, you treat me like a piece of dirt , she seemed to be completely oblivious as to what was required to show love and respect to me
The list is endless...




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wantmorepeace

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« Reply #43 on: November 06, 2020, 11:31:09 AM »

"No matter what I bought her it was always the same reaction. The careful opening of the gift. The short look at it and the drop back into the box. Not even a thank you.
  But the best(worst) was the reaction I got after I sent her flowers for her birthday over a year ago. We had split up by then.
But I spent an hour with her at a park and we had a calm packed lunch and a short walk in a nature center. After we left she was driving and became enraged and punched the crap out of me while driving like a lunatic. Somehow I got dropped off shell shocked. The next day I sent her the flowers. (? Ya like really).
I got a voice message a couple days later ranting that there was no card and they weren’t even her favorite kind and they died!
I just kinda laugh now.  I mean they are cut flowers. "

This is SO familiar!
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HopelessBroken
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« Reply #44 on: November 06, 2020, 01:21:27 PM »

That is a LONG list of traits Andy.

Disrespectful, irresponsible, non-empathetic, unfaithful, unstable, unreliable, impulsive, double standards, dismissive.

I could say every one of these about my exBPD as well. This is a list of characteristics that we all want to avoid in a partner. Yet we all have felt at one time, that we couldn’t live without this person.

This is also a list of characteristics of a person who a relationship will not work with. No matter who the other person is. Which is why people with BPD unfortunately have a long history of broken relationships with friends, family and romantic partners.

Look over that list that you wrote (and I know it only touches the surface of things she did and ways she hurt you).  Not only do you have way too much self respect for that relationship, you will have healthy relationship where you get all the great things back that you give.  She unfortunately never will.

You can get through these really tough days. I PROMISE. When you are stuck in ruminations about her, check out that list you wrote. It will help your head and heart to get back on the same page.
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Andy1963
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« Reply #45 on: November 06, 2020, 02:11:09 PM »

I hadnt realised until i wrote it down just how toxic and oppressive our relationship was.
And believe me,  thats the tip of the iceberg, i could tell things that would make people question my sanity for putting up with them.
I know completely that she will never change, her ex husband was constantly vilified by her yet he is happily remarried to a lovely girl so her demonisation of him now appears so false
I should have taken more notice of one of her friends( not a close friend, she had none of those) who said, she sucks the life out of men, dumps them and replaces them and you will be no different ...

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WorriedHusband
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« Reply #46 on: November 06, 2020, 07:12:13 PM »

Wow.  This is all so familiar!   

I’m over on the boards for trying to save my marriage, but since my wife left 5 weeks ago she has blocked me and filed for divorce.  I suspect she has moved in with a man.  I came over here because I’m starting to lose hope of us getting back together. 

As far as the gifts go a few Christmas’s ago I bought my wife (we were living together but not married then) a set of amazing diamond earrings that cost about $1800.  I thought they were the best gift imaginable.  She was disappointed.  She liked them but she wanted an engagement ring.
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jaded7
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« Reply #47 on: November 07, 2020, 05:44:59 PM »

That is a LONG list of traits Andy.

Disrespectful, irresponsible, non-empathetic, unfaithful, unstable, unreliable, impulsive, double standards, dismissive.

I could say every one of these about my exBPD as well. This is a list of characteristics that we all want to avoid in a partner. Yet we all have felt at one time, that we couldn’t live without this person.

This is also a list of characteristics of a person who a relationship will not work with. No matter who the other person is. Which is why people with BPD unfortunately have a long history of broken relationships with friends, family and romantic partners.

Look over that list that you wrote (and I know it only touches the surface of things she did and ways she hurt you).  Not only do you have way too much self respect for that relationship, you will have healthy relationship where you get all the great things back that you give.  She unfortunately never will.

You can get through these really tough days. I PROMISE. When you are stuck in ruminations about her, check out that list you wrote. It will help your head and heart to get back on the same page.

That was an excellent idea for Any to write that out. Dr. Ramani recommends it, I have done journals of it. And yes, in my relationship outside observers (including 3 therapists, friends and family members) have told me that her treatment of me was

Disrespectful, irresponsible, non-empathetic, unfaithful, unstable, unreliable, impulsive, double standards, dismissive.


in a word, abusive. And I NEVER ONCE did anything to her. I would also include the words belittling, diminishing, condescending, dismissive

Yet, I understand where Andy is. I'm there too and can't get out of it. Dr. Ramani calls it
"the mind and the heart are in opposition". Exactly for me.

I carry around in my head a thinking that she needs my help, is scared and unsure of herself and I need (ed) to be more accepting. She even asked me "will you take care of me" early in the relationship.

But there is no doubt whatsoever that her words and actions were verbally and emotionally abusive, none whatsoever.

So Andy, I'm glad you wrote out that list. I think we both are trauma-bonded.
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jaded7
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« Reply #48 on: November 07, 2020, 07:55:36 PM »

I hadnt realised until i wrote it down just how toxic and oppressive our relationship was.
And believe me,  thats the tip of the iceberg, i could tell things that would make people question my sanity for putting up with them.
I know completely that she will never change, her ex husband was constantly vilified by her yet he is happily remarried to a lovely girl so her demonisation of him now appears so false
I should have taken more notice of one of her friends( not a close friend, she had none of those) who said, she sucks the life out of men, dumps them and replaces them and you will be no different ...



Andy. My ex constantly vilified her ex-husband too. Constantly. She would forward his texts to me, forward his emails to me, call me three times in a day to discuss what a jerk he was. She told me all sorts of stories about how "he was an abusive Narcissisist". For the last 6 months of our relationship, that's almost all she would call or text me about. For the record, in any of his communications to her I didn't see anything at all that was abusive, angry, threatening, or even mean.

And, unless she changed 180 degrees from that relationship, I simply cannot see how she was the poor, abused little wife. I simply can't see it. She was aggressive with me, gaslighting with me, condescending, angry, yelled at me, called me names, put my friends and businesss down, made fun of me, mocked me, mimicked my voice when she was yelling at me and I was trying to calm her down, etc. etc.

What does that tell you/me?  I'm not sure.
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Goosey
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« Reply #49 on: November 07, 2020, 09:30:41 PM »

I know in my case I have had enough of it. 
Ya I still care for her but honestly that’s just being human.
I have been through it all except being actually physically killed (obvious because I’m typing haha.)
 I see some friends who tolerated me and my frantic ramblings about the situation the past few years and actually feel the need to apologize and thank them for not banishing me.
   And I know all relationships have the ups and downs.
I do have to say I am touched and same time jealous with the simple touch and “honeys” I witness. And these are long term relationships I see this in.
That comfortable ease of acceptance of the other.
I used to think I had that. But I probably confuse the few moments of affection after caving on issues  as teamwork.
Relationships are teamwork.
(What am I a life coach haha).
But really. These relationships we speak of are abusive.
I had my moments I admit when I was cornered that I reacted with verbal anger and tried to leave which usually escalated the situation. (Understand why now due  to this site)
I try to rationalize now that I really just didn’t understand why it was happening. Why every damn moment had to be so topsy turvy and now now now. Need this now. Do this now.
  All I can say is alone is better then being used.
Maybe that’s incorrect terminology but basically it’s like being used like toilet paper.
  One day I’ll be divorced officially. But deprogramming slowly feels better. I can do this. You can do this.
And for solace. They’ll be just fine. Worlds full of suckers.


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Andy1963
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« Reply #50 on: November 08, 2020, 05:31:58 AM »

I totally agree Jaded about the trauma bonding
My head 100% realises that she was incapable of ever providing the balance and nurturing required to sustain a relationship,  she has a terrible track record of broken relationships alll of which she blamed on her exes.
The guy she broke up with before me was apparently a narcissist?
Her ex husband was a cheater and a liar etc etc
When we first got together she was still living in the same house as her ex fiance, they needed to sell the house for both to be able to move on and buy other property but it was a big house and was slow in selling
So she still lived there for the first 6 months of our relationship
I called her one time and she was in the middle of an argument with him, i could hear some of what was being said
At one point i heard him shouting ' does this new man of yours have any idea what he is letting himself in for?'
At the time I had only a slight clue based on a couple of experiences,  but I soon learned what he had meant.
Also, I found out after she left that she was regularly still having sex with him whilst living there.  I had suspected this as she was often late meeting me and would come up with nonsensical excuses for her lateness. When I showed that I wasnt happy about it she would get nasty and agressive, I now realise this was her shame projecting to deflect her guilt
I found out many other disturbing things about her which highlighted her flawed character,  the fact that her youngest son was from her affair with her husband's brother( only her and the brother know this) and yet she would constantly berate her ex husband if he didn't pay promptly for additional childcare costs etc
The long time affair with the much older man, she had sex with him for money regularly,  I only found out by accident as she was very good at hiding facts

I have said before that I believe it was my gradual distancing from her due to all of this chipping away at me that led to her finding a new source
She could see the signs that i was struggling with many aspects, I did still love her, I still fancied her( she is an incredibly attractive woman) but I was starting to have real problems reconciling all of her flaws and abusive behaviour with my feelings and attraction to her
You are right, my head and my heart are in opposition
Thats something I'm really still struggling with...
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jaded7
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: unclear
Posts: 166


« Reply #51 on: November 08, 2020, 07:12:40 PM »

Wow.  This is all so familiar!   

I’m over on the boards for trying to save my marriage, but since my wife left 5 weeks ago she has blocked me and filed for divorce.  I suspect she has moved in with a man.  I came over here because I’m starting to lose hope of us getting back together. 

As far as the gifts go a few Christmas’s ago I bought my wife (we were living together but not married then) a set of amazing diamond earrings that cost about $1800.  I thought they were the best gift imaginable.  She was disappointed.  She liked them but she wanted an engagement ring.

8 months into no contact, these boards have probably saved my life.

I simply had had enough and after the last verbal assault on me, after she ghosted me before and then ditched me over Christmas because, apparently, my gift for her LAST Christmas was "stupid" and "sh*tty" (and this doesn't even begin to touch the surface of things she's said to me). Oh, and by the way, I had just paid $115 for tickets to her son's holiday theater show and volunteered to be an usher for it the week before. She just ghosted me, then left town. Me sitting with her Christmas gift alone on my couch Christmas Eve- I didn't even know where she was. I was so excited to give that gift to her.

Something inside me changed. How could she just not say a word to me for days, pack up her car, and leave town for Christmas at her parents (who both had told me they couldn't wait to have me up) without saying a WORD to me?

These boards are filled with so many stories, so many similar experiences, that it makes us feel less alone. And sometimes that's what it takes to get through the day.
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jaded7
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« Reply #52 on: November 11, 2020, 08:43:51 AM »

@Andy and others

My head 100% realises that she was incapable of ever providing the balance and nurturing required to sustain a relationship,  she has a terrible track record of broken relationships alll of which she blamed on her exes.
The guy she broke up with before me was apparently a narcissist?
Her ex husband was a cheater and a liar etc etc


Terrible track record of broken relationships, ex was a narcissist.

Yep, as I mentioned earlier, same here. She bragged to me that she ditched a guy in a hotel room in Vancouver, BC, dumped some other guy off on the side of the road (she tried to do that to me in the dark and rain on a busy highway after pulling violently off the road during a yelling episode), she told me that a previous boyfriend killed himself after a "fight" with her and blamed her in his suicide letter-and by the way, 'fights' with her were ALWAY her attacking me for something I did or something I was, me trying to point out the facts, asking her where that came from; ALWAYS if I asked her, kindly, why she wasn't keeping a commitment she made, or if I turned her down for sex, or if she violated a boundary I set, or if I asked her to stay on the phone to talk more after she had ghosted me for several days ("you trying to start a fight?")

Ex was narcissist. Constantly telling me that, although I could see no evidence of it in his communications with her (which I mentioned earlier she always forwarded to me and was a MAJOR topic of conversation). Always calling, texting to tell me the latest horrible thing he'd done, which I never could see was so horrible, or even bad.
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Andy1963
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« Reply #53 on: November 13, 2020, 02:04:59 AM »

Im really beginning to worry that theres is something strange going on
So, a few weeks ago Im met a girl at a friends house( she is a friend of a friend if his)
We chatted and got on really well, she knows a bit about my experience but we didnt speak about it to any degree.
Anyway,  shes gorgeous,  intelligent,  normal, funny and we really seemed to click
She lives quite far away and was visiting our city to see her friend, but we exchanged numbers to keep in touch
So since then we've exchanged messages and spoke a few times on the phone,  sometimes staying on for almost two hours at times
So, last night we spoke , again for about two hours, and the conversation developed into her telling me she had told some of her friends about me and that she would be keen to meet up for dinner etc in a couple of weeks ( our respective areas are in mini lockdown until Dec)
It was a lovely conversation and we agreed that when lockdown was over we are going to meet.
Now, why am I telling all of this
Well, after the phone call I felt really good for the first time in months, I got myself organised to head to bed and was feeling so much better than i have for ages
I then made the decision,  right,now is the time to block my ex, so i lifted my phone to do the blocking and literally as i lifted it, ping, a message  from my ex, ( asking if I'm ok...again)
I mean, wtf?...are they psychic, this is the second time I've had the resolve to block and she does this
I know I should have blocked her already
Madness...


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Andy1963
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« Reply #54 on: November 13, 2020, 01:49:32 PM »

So after my strict adherence to NC we were in full dialogue today
She apologised profusely for hurting me and actually said she misses me
Not sure what to make of any of this but I've backed of communication now
I had totally believed i would never hear from her again after the last time
I certainly didnt expect the apology
Its once again knocked me off balance,  i know all of you will say i should have blocked her,  every time i was about to this has happened
Im just completely baffled
I can only guess that her new supply isnt what she was hoping
After our last communication there was nothing more to be said so why contact me...so confused
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HopelessBroken
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« Reply #55 on: November 13, 2020, 03:07:56 PM »

I know Andy, same psychic sense with my ex.  It was uncanny, as if somehow there was a link to the two of us that he felt was broken and then he would contact me...as my contact always came the night of a great date with my now boyfriend.

And let me say this, any reconnecting in my situation felt AMAZING. Like a high almost. Which is why for me, if I was going to have a chance at a healthy relationship I had to block. I did and didn’t look back.

Unless she’s in treatment for BPD, actively accepting and understanding her diagnosis, you and her will repeat the same discard cycle if you got back together.

Remember that list you wrote of things you don’t like and how you were treated. Despite everything she just told you, she’s still that person.
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Andy1963
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« Reply #56 on: November 13, 2020, 03:16:33 PM »

Thankyou Hopeless
Yes youre totally right
I need to keep focus on the reality of who she is
I guess i had so completely believed I would never hear from her again that I lost discipline
I know all the reasons she is bad for me, and that if she is contacting me its about her not me
I will build up the strength to block again
Spoke to my best friend tonight who is furious with me for not blocking her already
Shes reeling you in again, he said...
Need to focus on all I've learnt on here
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Andy1963
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Relationship status: No contact
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« Reply #57 on: November 14, 2020, 07:06:18 AM »

The dialogue descended into her glitching again
It had been amicable and apologetic from her.
Then suddenly she brings up my FB post from months ago, we had already exhausted that
It was a stark reminder to me of who she really is and why I'm better off out of this
I am a bit shell shocked again but I've only myself to blame for engagimg
They really are deeply disturbed people ...
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HopelessBroken
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« Reply #58 on: November 14, 2020, 09:50:23 AM »

That was pretty fast after reconnecting for her to glitch!
How did you two end the conversation? What do you want to do now?

I wanted to say something about your friend being furious about you not blocking her.

Unless you have been in a relationship with a pwBPD, you absolutely DO NOT get it. They don’t get the draw, addiction, passion, manipulation or brainwashing. When normal relationships end there isn’t a need to block. When a BPD relationship ends the need to block is often due to horrible behavior towards you and giving you an opportunity to heal.

The last recycle with my exBPD, I told no one. Five months of a secret relationship. Like we were having an affair but we weren’t. I couldn’t handle the disappointment and judgement from friends or family. I just couldn’t. I get it.

So, be easy on yourself Andy.  You will block when/if you’re ready.

And in the meantime, we’re here for you.
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Andy1963
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« Reply #59 on: November 14, 2020, 10:01:24 AM »

No one understands,  everyone just says forget about her, move on
Im trying so hard.
I didn't invite this latest contact, i was sticking firmly to my plan
The conversation was basically her apologising, saying she didnt mean to hurt me, that she missed having me in her life
I just highlighted how difficult it was for me and admittedly I said it was difficult adjust to not having her in my life.
All seemed calm and amicable.

I went to sleep but this morning woke to a message she had sent in the  early hours asking why i had put that horrible post on FB and that she didnt deserve it
We had exhausted that subject months ago and i thought she had acccepted my side of things, she said she understood. Clearly not.

So my reply today was to reiterate what I'd said before and to point out that i don't feel i deserved how she had made me feel when she did what she did.
That neither of us were perfect
Have heard nothing more
Is this what recycling really feels like, after our last communication i truly believed i wouldn't hear from her again
I know i shouldn't have engaged but its really difficult
My head and heart are still out of synch, however this has brought a bit more perspective
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