Divorced & struggling

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

*First post*

My ex-wife and I are recently divorced after 7 years together. We have one child (3yrs).

It was towards the beginning of our marriage did she discover that she had BPD. Ultimately, she downplayed the significance of it, and I (much to my guilt) let it pass without much thought. I wasn't a stranger to depression or anxiety. I cared, but I had no idea the depth of who / what I was dealing with.

Sparing the details of how it all came crumbling down, she became more; volatile, irresponsible, distant. Kicking me out, asking me to come home. Until finally, I issued an ultimatum (which I know now to be a trigger). We need to either commit to fixing this or we need to talk about getting a divorce.

Well, that was enough. While I was staying with family, she took everything from our house except my clothes, and filed for divorce. I cross filed, and started seeing a therapist.

I have found that she started dating her "best friend" almost immediately after she filed. Needless to say I was incredibly hurt and rather fearful for our daughter.

My therapist quickly therorized from our discussions that she was BPD (which I confirmed to her). So, she suggested I read "Stop Walking On Eggshells" a book about BPD and caring for people with it.

The book has stirred up all kinds of emotions and guilt. Like if I had only known what I was doing wrong, maybe this wouldn't have happened. Maybe she wouldn't have gotten so panicked. I even tried empathize she seemingly having an affair with her friend.

We've had moments, during quarantine where she seemed to miss me. I could see and hear her pain. Like maybe she had some moment of lucidity about me. But, the moment I ask her about those feels, she bolts or gets nasty with me. (Like everything is my fault).

I know now that there really isn't anything I can do. I am now "all bad". Myself and our marriage have been totally devalued...

I go through cycles of being bitter and angry, to depressed, to feeling I can fix this, to accepting it all...

I am the non-BPD. I now have these host of issues, and I am forever connected to this person who I have a child with doesn't know who they are and projects their guilt and anger on to me.

I know I was miserable, I know she is not going to get help...

How do you separate yourself from this person you thought you knew?  How do you keep calm and carry on after so much history and damage? I know it's best that I am free, but I feel like... I can't get away from feeling responsible for "my wife"... I can't get to emotional safety from her and her emotional invasions.

[ramirezc110]

*First post*

My ex-wife and I are recently divorced after 7 years together. We have one child (3yrs).

It was towards the beginning of our marriage did she discover that she had BPD. Ultimately, she downplayed the significance of it, and I (much to my guilt) let it pass without much thought. I wasn't a stranger to depression or anxiety. I cared, but I had no idea the depth of who / what I was dealing with.

Sparing the details of how it all came crumbling down, she became more; volatile, irresponsible, distant. Kicking me out, asking me to come home. Until finally, I issued an ultimatum (which I know now to be a trigger). We need to either commit to fixing this or we need to talk about getting a divorce.

Well, that was enough. While I was staying with family, she took everything from our house except my clothes, and filed for divorce. I cross filed, and started seeing a therapist.

I have found that she started dating her "best friend" almost immediately after she filed. Needless to say I was incredibly hurt and rather fearful for our daughter.

My therapist quickly therorized from our discussions that she was BPD (which I confirmed to her). So, she suggested I read "Stop Walking On Eggshells" a book about BPD and caring for people with it.

The book has stirred up all kinds of emotions and guilt. Like if I had only known what I was doing wrong, maybe this wouldn't have happened. Maybe she wouldn't have gotten so panicked. I even tried empathize she seemingly having an affair with her friend.

We've had moments, during quarantine where she seemed to miss me. I could see and hear her pain. Like maybe she had some moment of lucidity about me. But, the moment I ask her about those feels, she bolts or gets nasty with me. (Like everything is my fault).

I know now that there really isn't anything I can do. I am now "all bad". Myself and our marriage have been totally devalued...

I go through cycles of being bitter and angry, to depressed, to feeling I can fix this, to accepting it all...

I am the non-BPD. I now have these host of issues, and I am forever connected to this person who I have a child with doesn't know who they are and projects their guilt and anger on to me.

I know I was miserable, I know she is not going to get help...

How do you separate yourself from this person you thought you knew?  How do you keep calm and carry on after so much history and damage? I know it's best that I am free, but I feel like... I can't get away from feeling responsible for "my wife"... I can't get to emotional safety from her and her emotional invasions.

[Goosey]

It takes time.
My story has similarities.
It’s was painful. It’s was wrenching.
A therapist is helpful to get some balance when I was in crisis over it. Family and friends are good to lean on.
And the passing of time.
  I caught myself driving home just now down the NJ turnpike after a long night shift in nyc.
I was thinking of her for a second and I missed her. But i snapped back and yelled to nobody all the awful crazy crap she has done to me AND how she jumped right into a relationship while still toying with my rattled emotions.
  I don’t do it often anymore. Just time. And realization it is what it is.
  A great post from others is that we are damaged but They won’t help us nor will ever give us acknowledgement of our pain. They don’t feel like we do and nothing will change that.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey ramirezc, Welcome!  Who knew about BPD?  Give yourself a break.  It's doubtful that anything you did or didn't do would have made a difference.  Just the way it is with BPD.  You're human, like the rest of us Nons, so don't beat yourself up.  In my experience, detaching takes time, so be patient with yourself.  Feel free to post any particular questions!

LuckyJim

[ramirezc110]

Thank you for the replies. I have crashed this site numerous times, but never made a post myself.

It helps to have people comment who have shared my experience.

I have totally had angry screaming fits in my car. Yes, they are getting further a part.

This has all felt like an out of body experience. Watching a horrific accident happen. Yelling, pleading, shouting, trying to stop it but nothing comes out of my mouth.

It's such a 180, it's really like the person I knew died and someone else is piloting their body.

It was a big moment for me to go on a date in the last week... it helped me detach a bit more.

[Football2000]

Man, I hear ya!... I think that one of the hardest things to get over is the guilt that you could have done something, especially once you start picking up knowledge about BPD and how certain things like validation can help defuse situations, etc. (Personally, I still blame myself a lot.)

But then ask yourself this: even if you had a secret formula based on all this knowledge back then, would you really want to live like that? I mean, there would be so many moments where you're just trying to figure out the right moves like a game of checkers, instead of just having a partner.

I think it's also okay to admit that you're not perfect either. Yes, you made mistakes...but then you have to realize that someone without BPD would probably understand that you're trying rather than using that against you.

Keep going my friend