The Things They Say During Splits...

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Hi everyone,

It’s been awhile since I’ve been on here. I’m not sure how much of the story is worth including so I’m sorry if it’s too detailed. I don’t have anyone else to talk to so I really appreciate you reading this in advance.

My BPD partner of 3 years and I had a surprise pregnancy in July followed by an immediate miscarriage. Even though it was short-lived, it still shocked us both and affected us. He was very supportive and caring while I was still pregnant and during the miscarriage. He had a pretty bad split right after we lost the baby. It took a lot of talking and tough conversations to get us back to a good place but we did. Afterwards, we decided that we both wanted kids someday but not for like 4-6 years.

Flash forward to October. I was now on 2 types of birth control and guess what- got pregnant again. It was a total shock but I was expecting the same caring and supportive man that I got the first time I told him, but ended up with the total opposite. He was cold and distant and just...a total jerk. He has a young son from his previous marriage already and he also just started school to change careers, so i understand his terror at the idea of having another baby now.

The biggest thing causing me grief and anxiety is when he said “I should have broken up with you after the first time [in July] so this could never happen again. I promised myself I’d break up with you if this ever happened again”...which, logically doesn’t even make sense. Breaking up with me doesn’t/didn’t absolve him of still having to deal with it. I was already in such a vulnerable position and this is THE most hurtful thing he’s ever said to me.

I won’t get into all the details but after a LOT of fighting and talking and crying, we decided not to have the baby. It’s not just on him- I wasn’t ready either for many reasons. As soon as we decided what to do, he basically crumpled in grief. It was like the BPD mask was gone and he was himself again- only he was completely broken by what we were deciding to do.

Anyway, it’s been 3 weeks since and, surprisingly, our relationship has blossomed tremendously. We’ve grown so much and grieved together (something I never thought we could do). But I’m still struggling with some of the fights we had and things he said while he was splitting.

He’s apologized many times since for his behaviour at that time. I know he was terrified (I was too) and BPD can cause these extreme reactions under stress. But I don’t know how to deal with the memories of it. The whole ordeal was honestly so hard and awful that I feel traumatized. I’d like some explanation and I know you guys can’t give me that but even just writing it out helps.

I’m also dealing with grief and now am just reliving the memories of this person I love saying some of the most painful things to me. It’s making me so anxious and more depressed about the situation.

Thanks for listening

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[Gemsforeyes]

Dear PIA-

I am deeply sorry for your sadness and loss.  I do understand the enormous feelings around what you’ve been through.  If you were my daughter, I’d take you in my arms and try to provide the comfort and understanding you so deserve and need right now.  The best I can do is through these airwaves...

Please try to see, that based on your partner’s unstable emotions and how HE experiences the elevation of those, he WILL say horrible things when his brain is on fire. 

I’m not sure of the extent of your study of BPD, but until your partner does the hard work of intense therapy, this won’t change.  His reactions in moments of distress will be extreme.  And that will come out as attacks against you (your interpretation).  He’s trying his best to apologize.  And that’s all he can do, PIA.  That’s all he can do.

You’ve disclosed in earlier posts that at times you also have some difficulty controlling certain feelings and emotions.  We all do, my friend.  And I believe the emotional insecurity / instability that may come along with these relationships can pile on.  Please use care in *not* allowing his apologies to sink in for you.  I’m not sure you want to inadvertently sabotage the healing.

This is only my opinion.  My way of seeing things.  You say he has grieved with you through this, and given support you didn’t see possible.  And again, he HAS apologized for what he said.  So now please look at yourself, what you’re saying tonight.  For the things you’re playing back in your head.  You don’t need to do things to heighten your grief or to create dissension between you... do you?

Yes, he said extremely hurtful things.  That’s been his MO throughout the relationship.  Essentially there’s no “filter” so to speak, between the first thing that pops into his distorted head and what exits his mouth (in moments of distress).  And knowing this, it’s entirely up to YOU to determine whether you want to take this topic back down to where it started, or allow the two of you to reconnect and really grow from what has taken place.

My friend, you do NOT need to continue to “punish” yourself or him for what’s happened.  Nothing good will come from that.

How does this sit with you?

Sending you hugs.

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes