Sticking to Boundaries

[Hopetoo]

 I am a mother of a 25 year old adult child.  I am on this site to discover other parents who may want to learn how to manage their own emotions (mainly fear and catastrophic thinking) when they have set a boundary that they are determined to stick to even when it means their adult child my be homeless or be hungry or worse. 

Two years ago I set the boundary that my son cannot live with me.  He has all the skills to work and provide for himself.  After a dramatic scene he became estranged for the past two years. He recently texted me that he needed help (and I was his last resort) because he was injured and cannot work for 8 weeks.  I provided him with some money for food and bills.  He then text to tell me he was losing his place to live. Without him asking directly but implying heavily, (I am going to be homeless, have to sleep in my car, its cold, I have cats, etc.) he wanted to move in. I used the SET method to respond and told him what I could offer.  He did not take me up on my offer and instead exploded in capital letters asking what was wrong with me that I didn't understand what was happening to him. His BPD traits emerged.

I cognitively believe and trust that my son will figure out how to get his needs met on his own because he did for the two years he was estranged; however, I am experiencing anxiety symptoms and fear that he will come to my work or home and be confrontational or that he will kill himself, etc.  My boundary does not cause me to feel confident that he will solve his own problems.

I have read enough on BPD to understand his behavior; however, I am struggling with being comfortable with the hard boundary line. My son's tactic is to use my deep empathy trait to move me away from my boundaries.  I decided two years ago that I cannot keep moving my boundaries because he acts like everything is better.  My discomfort also stems from attaching to media messages and stories of other families who help their children.  It triggers guilt and a feeling that I am not being a good person when I won't keep my son from being homeless. 

Any tips on how to be comfortable with being uncomfortable while sticking to a boundary?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Swimmy55]

Excellent that you made these boundaries!
You can click onto my name for my backstory, ( or anyone's name here) and I had to get a restraining order put against my son , due to his violence,etc.
 I had fear for the longest time that my son would hurt me / himself.  I also had/ have massive guilt and struggle.

What has helped me stay the course is : (1) my own therapy , (2) going to Nar-anon online meetings - or any other family group such as alanon, Co dependents anonymous.( I chose nar anon due to my son's substance abuse with his BPD).  These are free 12 step programs that teach detachment and getting our power back. I go to   (3) yoga, meditation. (4) Hobbies. Keep remembering you are as important as your son.  (4) Building up a support network , this forum can be a part of that. 

When the choice comes down to it being it's either you or your  adult child, you must choose you.  Preservation of life and safety are the first order of business.  Play the scene out in your mind on what would happen if you allowed him back into your home without him having worked on himself / gotten help.

[formflier]

 

 I decided two years ago that I cannot keep moving my boundaries because he acts like everything is better. 
 

Any tips on how to be comfortable with being uncomfortable while sticking to a boundary?

I'm so glad you found us.  I think we can help.

Very wise decision a couple years ago.

Boundaries are about you and your values...not about people that are "outside" your boundaries (even family)

I've included some links to articles I would encourage you to read and then ask questions about.

https://www.bpdfamily.com/content/setting-boundaries

https://bpdfamily.com/parenting/06.htm


I'll end by saying that many times I held a boundary, it was quite uncomfortable.  (to say the least).   Luckily I had other members here encouraging me...and I pressed through and held the boundary.

What was your sons reaction when you sent money (or bought him things)?  

Best,

FF

[Hopetoo]

Finally figured out how to navigate the posting/reply feed. 

My son said "thank you". I believe he was genuine in the moment. When he reached out again a couple weeks later it was indirectly.  He told me he got last minute notice he had to vacate where he was living.  I did not offer for him to move in.  His texts did not directly ask to move in; they alluded to it. ("I have no place to go." "I have been looking but there is no place for me to move to.") I offered caring statements and names of people that might have a room available. He then said "I don't want you to think I don't appreciate the money you sent but..." I reassured him that I believe he does appreciate the money.  He did not take me up on my offer of names.  The next text escalated into "don't you understand what is happening? I am in trouble." And when I offered support and stated that I trust that he would solve this problem he typed in capital letters "what the hell is wrong with you?" and I haven't heard from him since. 

Thank you for the articles to read.  I will dive right in.

[Hopetoo]

Still working on learning how to post properly. Below is a similar post to my last. It is more of what I wanted to say and I wanted to acknowledge both Swimmy55 and formflier.  

My son said "thank you". I believe he was genuine in the moment. When he reached out again a couple weeks later it was indirectly.  He told me he got last minute notice he had to vacate where he was living.  I did not offer for him to move in.  His texts did not directly ask to move in; they alluded to it. ("I have no place to go." "I have been looking but there is no place for me to move to.") I offered caring statements and names of people that might have a room available. He then said "I don't want you to think I don't appreciate the money you sent but..." I reassured him that I believe he does appreciate the money.  He did not take me up on my offer of names.  The next text escalated into "don't you understand what is happening? I am in trouble." And when I offered support and stated that I trust that he would solve this problem he typed in capital letters "what the hell is wrong with you?" and I haven't heard from him since.

Thank you for the articles to read. As a "doer" I like to sift through other people's thoughts and ideas.  

To Swimmy55:  It is sad yet helpful as you all know to hear that unfortunately many of us parents have extreme drama with our children.  I spent 18 years in therapy working through my own family of origin matters and learned a lot of helpful skills that assist me now yet no skill stops or fixes the uncomfortable behavior. I feel like I am managing not inspiring change.

One parenting lie I told myself was that by using the skills I was learning in therapy my children would have happy and successful lives.  I equated my parent's lack of skill with their unhealthy parenting and my suffering (i.e. if I had good skills all would be well with my children and they would not suffer.)  I got that one wrong. I must admit that my counselor said I did not have enough power to create my children in the image I approved. She said I am only one of their influences.

As for attending 12 step groups:  I have not passed over the threshold.  I have the "One Day at a Time" book that has helped me a lot throughout the years. 

[formflier]

I must admit that my counselor said I did not have enough power to create my children in the image I approved. 

I used to think I could do this. 

I have 8 kids.  The 20 some year old FF thought he was going to be a super parent and crank out kids in a certain mold.

The 50 year old FF just laughs at that old me. 

Best,

FF

[Hopetoo]

Where do you think we get the idea that we can parent our children into successful adults?

It is a thought many of us have and some like me are sad and disappointed when our parenting doesn't result in a successful, happy, positively contributing adult.

I read a lot of parenting books, took parenting classes, asked teachers, and counselors, and tried many techniques.  I kept thinking I was parenting wrong because I wasn't getting the results the books or others touted. If I just read one more book or watched one more video I would find the missing piece and my parenting failure would change.

The good news is there were moments of good which might not have happened if I had not tried to learn something about being a better parent, yet the struggle is always present.

It is hard not to envy those parents I observe having the relationship with their children that I would have liked to have. Yes, I know they have their own issues but I have come to believe that some parent's luck is better than others.

[Huat]

Hello Hopetoo

I've been reading back on your posts and the threads...came to this one where you wrote..."It is hard not to envy those parents I observe having the relationship with their children that I would have liked to have."  How I relate to that and I am sure most here have had those thoughts, too.

I think back to the many, many times I would sit silently in a group while others shared their heart-warming family stories...me thinking up ideas on how to make an exit.  I remember, also, of the times I would be so broken and have the need to tell someone of my woes...only to be met with their silence because they really were speech-less...couldn't comprehend such things happening in their families.  The telling of my stories was embarassing enough...but their silence made me feel even worse.  That is a valuable life-lesson I have learned from those experiences...how to respond and let the other person know you are listening and validating their feelings.

Well, I'm still not into sitting through those story-telling-sessions for long but I feel a whole lot better since finding this forum and participating in it.  Who knew there were other parents out there with stories similar to mine...some not as bad...some much worse?   It sure is nice to know I can tell mine here and not inflict shock in others.  The support I have received here has helped me to move forward...something that just wasn't happening before I started to learn how to look after...me.

Seems you have already put in a lot of work over the years to stabilize yourself in this relationship you share with your troubled son.  (I refer to mine as "a work in progress.")    Looking forward to reading about more of your journey...and also your insightful responses to others.

Huat

[HurtBrooklyn]

Dear Huat and Hopetoo:

Thank you so much for your insights.
Hopetoo, I also always felt if I was the perfect parent my daughter would grow up to be a healthy and happy individual. Your post really helped me more fully understand that my adult daughter is on her own journey - and I have only been one of the influencers in her life. And, like you I have been envious of parents who seem to have perfect relationships with their children. Thank you for making me feel less alone in that particular pain.

Huat: Thank you for your story of your attempts to share your experiences with your BPD child with your own siblings and family members. Your story meant so much to me. I have tried to share my experiences with my siblings, who responded with hostility, silence, and often they blame my daughter's behavior on me. I really appreciate you sharing that story. I somehow always thought my siblings would support me and that is not the case. In fact, my siblings are in the power of my BPD daughter and walk on eggs around her all the time, which increases her power over them.

I want to take care of myself while also doing what's best for my BPD daughter. I welcome any advice that you can offer.

Thank you again.

[Hopetoo]

I read the words "what's best for my daughter" and it occurred to me that I have said those words many times "what's best for..." someone else. Do we know what is best for someone else, even our own child?  I thought I did. Parents are judged harshly in the world when their children don't fit the "good child" mold.  I thought it best that my child accept my values and live by them. When my son was under 18 I held on to the belief that if I just tried hard enough he would see that my values were the path to productive and happy living. I was so focused on what a "good" parent should do to "raise their child right" that I didn't consider that I could not make him accept my way of living.  As my thoughts spiraled into seeing him in jail or dead I frantically tried harder.  When our best efforts don't change our interactions with someone and we are responsible physically (under 18) for them there is no magic answer.   I think the best we can do is manage the relationship. That is where boundaries come in.  Many stories and tips on this site help give us tools to try and support when we have to keep tinkering with the complex human machine in an attempt to get it to run smoothly.

When my son harshly rejects what I think is best for him I am in a state of shock.  My logic about what is best seems solid and is supported by tons of research and data from books.  Prior to our estrangement he would look at me and comment that my way was not his way.  Often he would say "I am not like you!"  That is true.  He is not.  I didn't want to accept that he is not like me because I wanted him to be like me so the pain, suffering, and disruption in my life would stop.  When I tried to look at my son for who he is I realized I have no way of knowing who he is. My thinking can only define it based on my judgments of his words and actions. I think each of us can only know ourselves.  Those on the outside only know their own definition of who we are.  And many times that definition is wrong. 

I now look at my son as my biggest teacher.  He doesn't think or act like me which causes me to have to decide how to have a relationship with someone completely different than me.  I usually run from those kinds of relationships.  I have come to learn that my son's behavior and choices give me the opportunity to make choices that are best for me.  That is self care.