Do I get to share my feelings?

[unodostres]

My husband's BPD episodes typically have been inward-aiming ... he beats him self up emotionally and physically. However, last week, I suddenly became the enemy.

When I tried to call 911 because he was suicidal, he grabbed a knife and told me he'd kill himself if I didn't hang up the phone. So I did.

The next day, something similar happened. I tried to leave the apartment to get some space and calm down, but he said he'd kill himself if I left.

He said some hurtful things directed at me, and since this is a new behavior I'm having a hard time processing it. Were any of those things he said based on feelings he has when he's not dysregulated? How do I find safety for myself when he's in crisis?

I tried to bring up the fact that sometimes I can't be the one to manage his emotions when he's escalated, and that we need a safety plan for him and I need to feel safe and sometimes need to leave the apartment. Instead of having a discussion about how I felt trapped and terrified during his last set of episodes, it turned into him playing the victim. "It hurts me when you leave," he said. I responded with "It was hurting me to stay in the apartment." And he responded with "I'm trying to tell you how I feel, don't just come back with your feelings. I don't do that to you." (Isn't that exactly what he just did?) He then was in a bad mood for another half hour, and I ended up having to comfort him.

I'm afraid we're getting to the point that there will never be a good time for me to talk about my feelings with him. He says he already feels shame and guilt, and he doesn't need to feel worse. When do I get to have feelings? How does anyone with a spouse with BPD share their feelings without feeling guilty for hurting their feelings?

My husband and I are already in therapy separately, and we've been spending 30 min a day reading helpful material (he reads DBT materials, I read books on loving someone with BPD).

I'm having a hard time seeing a light at the end of the tunnel lately. I feel alone. I feel like I'll never be able to share my feelings and share my hurt with him because it will just set him off.

Does anyone have any tips? Resources? Books I should read?

Thanks in advance.

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[Naughty Nibbler]

Hi unodostres - Welcome!

My husband and I are already in therapy separately, and we've been spending 30 min a day reading helpful material (he reads DBT materials, I read books on loving someone with BPD).

You have to go beyond reading the material, to digesting it and applying the materials.  Is your husband applying/practicing any of the DBT skills he is reading about?  Is he taking one skill at a time and maybe discussing it in therapy?

One basic DBT skill is "coping skills".  He can start this by making a list of how to deal with what he feels.  What are some things he can do to help soothe himself when he is angry?  How about when he is sad?

The answers to coping skills will be different for everyone.  Some people use music, exercise, meditation skills, hobbies and a host of other possibilities.

Discovering what coping skills are good for you takes time and reminders.  "make a list & check it twice", then keep the list handy, keep updating it & keep practicing the coping skills.

One "emergency coping skill" for your husband to try, when he is suicidal is the "Mammalian Diving Reflex".  Check out the link below.  It can be done with water or with a cold pack around the eyes.

https://www.mindfulnessmuse.com/dialectical-behavior-therapy/how-to-calm-down-from-extreme-emotions-in-30-seconds

I recommend an app (available both Android & Apple), called Insight Timer.  There is a lot available for free, including live presentations/discussions.  For approx. $60 a year, you can have access to a lot of audio courses.  The courses on anxiety have a lot of skills to offer.  You can find a multitude of ways to become more mindful (a DBT skill).  There seems to be something for everyone.  The presenters range from neuroscientists, to psychologists to yogis and beyond.

Just offering some ideas for learning, reinforcing and practicing DBT skills and mindfulness skills.  It need to be a continual journey and practice.

[unodostres]

Thanks for the reply and insights.

We are committed to making things better, but I'm noticing that the hard part for my husband is applying skills when he's not 100% happy and calm. And I get it, the last thing I want when I'm pissed off is to feel like I need to calm down or that I'm not totally justified in my behavior. Do you have any suggestions for how to nudge him into self-soothing that have worked for you? When he's been to group therapy, he's been willing to apply the DBT skills in group, but I haven't necessarily seen him use them at home.

I like the idea of focusing on one skill at a time and keeping reminders with us at all times of coping skills. Thank you for that.

Does anyone have suggestions for how to process the intense emotions you (as a nonBP) feel after episodes of dysregulation? I'm used to talking things out when I'm struggling, but I'm not sure if that's the best route for my husband and I at the moment. I've been talking to my therapist, but I feel almost silly for just recounting my anger/sadness/confusion without having any next steps.

[Ozzie101]

Welcome, unodostres! You’re in a safe place here.

I can sense your bewilderment and frustration. I’ve been there, believe me. So have many others.

I know with my H, when he’s dysregulated, all he can see/think/feel/hear are his own feelings and thoughts. I could be screaming and crying in front of him and it would have no effect. He’d accuse me of being unemotional. Believe me. It’s happened. With BPD, the feelings are so big, the emotions so strong, that they are extremely difficult for the pwBPD to process. So, they manifest and spill out in very messy ways. Frequently, the owBPD will manipulate facts to fit whatever they’re feeling.

It’s a painful, draining thing. One thing of utmost importance is to have a support system (this board can count as one) and a self-care plan (hobbies or exercise, for example).

You say these suicide threats are new. Has something happened lately to trigger this change? Do you think he genuinely intends to hurt himself?

As for how to handle the emotions, different things work for different people. I’m still figuring that out for myself. I have found therapy helps, as you said. But also journaling. And writing here. There’s so much experience, information and understanding to be found on these boards.

[Naughty Nibbler]

Does anyone have suggestions for how to process the intense emotions you (as a nonBP) feel after episodes of dysregulation? I'm used to talking things out when I'm struggling, but I'm not sure if that's the best route for my husband and I at the moment. I've been talking to my therapist, but I feel almost silly for just recounting my anger/sadness/confusion without having any next steps.

When either party is angry, it's best to NOT try & talk it out, until both individuals cool down.  Having a special "Angry" playlist on your phone can be a good/safe option to process anger.  Put on some earphones & go somewhere private.  Doing some  form of exercise, while listening to the music can provide twice the benefit. Something like house work or yard work with music can be good as well.  If it's late in the day, it might need to be just music.

You can access some readily available playlists for various moods, but I've put my own together. I've found that certain songs and style of music speak to me, more than others, so the more personal the music is, the better.

Sometimes, you might want to listen to music to get you out of a particular mood, but other times it can be therapeutic to just go with the emotion you are feeling and process it.

[unodostres]

In the two weeks since I wrote this first post, my husband had another episode. This one worse than the last.

He physically blocked me from leaving when I said I needed to cool down and take a walk. Then, he grabbed me from behind and pinned my arms down so I couldn't move. Once he realized that that was really stupid, he ran to the kitchen, grabbed a knife and started pushing it into his wrist.

Thankfully, I had my phone on me, my shoes and keys were by the door and I ran out screaming and called 911.

Long story short, he drove off, the police convinced him to come back, sent him to a crisis center. In the meantime, I went to a friends house for a few days.

My trust in him is so beyond broken. He stopped taking one of his meds for weeks without telling me along with getting physical with me.

Sure, he starting an anger management program and a DBT program this week, and got us set up for a couples counselor. But ... I just don't know if I have it in me. I'm having nightmares about him. I thought about getting pepper spray to defend myself from future aggression. I know that abuse can escalate very quickly. I told him that if he *ever* touches me again in an argument or holds me hostage in our home, we are getting divorced, no questions asked. But what about right now?

I'm in individual therapy and on an antidepressant. I want to start meditating and exercising, but I have been so down, my emotions so inconsistent, that I can't find motivation to do much at all. When I can, I read all of the BPD family support books I can, working through the Eggshells workbook, but I find it's just making me angrier ... with him and myself.

Do you ever get over this numbness and anger? The total breakdown of trust?

[Naughty Nibbler]

Hi unodostres:
I'm so sorry for what you have been through.  It had to be a terrifying experience.

He physically blocked me from leaving when I said I needed to cool down and take a walk. Then, he grabbed me from behind and pinned my arms down so I couldn't move. Once he realized that that was really stupid, he ran to the kitchen, grabbed a knife and started pushing it into his wrist.

Thankfully, I had my phone on me, my shoes and keys were by the door and I ran out screaming and called 911.

Long story short, he drove off, the police convinced him to come back, sent him to a crisis center. In the meantime, I went to a friends house for a few days. 

I'm in individual therapy and on an antidepressant. I want to start meditating and exercising, but I have been so down, my emotions so inconsistent, that I can't find motivation to do much at all.

It's important for you to be safe.  Is it possible to stay apart for awhile longer, at least until he is back on his meds for enough time to gain the full benefit and stabilizes a bit?  He needs to learn how to manage his own emotions and be responsible for that.

Has he ever tried to use the knife on you or hit you?  It's definitely frightening and unacceptable for someone to restrain you and keep you from leaving. I can understand your desire to get something like pepper spray and to want to defend yourself.  I think that that is something to discuss with your therapist or some other professional.  It would be wise to think over what might ensue with pepper spray in the mix.

I can understand that you don't feel motivated to get in some exercise or try to meditate.  If you do try some exercise, it will help relieve the anxiety.  There are many forms of meditation and some relaxation techniques can be done without much concentration.  There are several different breathing exercises and that can be an easy way to destress.  I like the 4-7-8 breathing exercise (breath in for the count of 4, hold for 7 and exhale for 8).

One logic is to "act as if, and the feelings will follow".