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Author Topic: Won't leave because I feel I can't find anyone better  (Read 242 times)
Spam591
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 99


« on: November 21, 2020, 03:20:43 PM »

Won't leave because I feel I can't find anyone better. My wife is super good-looking. I haven't been attracted to her like anyone else. When we have taken long breaks (like 3 months or so) I have found iim not into and get easily bored with every woman I went on a date with.

Does this go away. Is this just the trauma bonding and /or codependency?
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Gemsforeyes
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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Ended 2/2020
Posts: 1026


« Reply #1 on: November 21, 2020, 03:58:54 PM »

Hey Spam-

I’m more than a bit confused, as it seems you may be too.  I think you posted on the Bettering board a few days ago after going to Las Vegas earlier this week - with your wife and her friend.  Correct?  In that post, you noted that your wife made accusations about you wanting to be with, or look at, other women.

From what you’re writing here, it seems your W may have reasons to make these statements regarding your potential interests in “other” women.  In my experience, when married couples take “breaks”, it’s not with the intention to date, to  “find someone Better, or “better looking”... but that’s just me...

So what’s going on here?

If you ever intended to really build a solid foundation with your W, meaning build *Trust*, this approach of “taking breaks” and dating is CLEARLY not working.

And if “pretty” or “prettier” is what you’re searching for, and nothing else matters, your search may be endless.

There’s a LOT more to love and relationships, a LOT more to marriage, at least I believe there ought to be.

Looking at yourself may be a good place to begin.  Because with what you’re communicating right now, any decent woman would figure out the emptiness of the “pretty” angle quickly, not to mention how quickly you’ll hightail it back to your W;  and most women would likely NOT settle for this level of nothing.

Sorry to be so harsh, but this was an odd post to read, especially right after what you wrote the other day.

It appears there’s more to work out than just your W’s behaviors.  If memory serves, I believe we’ve addressed this before (with regard to the physical abuse).  Has that cycle resolved itself?  Ended?

Your thoughts?

Gems
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Spam591
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 99


« Reply #2 on: November 21, 2020, 04:56:32 PM »

Hey Spam-

I’m more than a bit confused, as it seems you may be too.  I think you posted on the Bettering board a few days ago after going to Las Vegas earlier this week - with your wife and her friend.  Correct?  In that post, you noted that your wife made accusations about you wanting to be with, or look at, other women.

From what you’re writing here, it seems your W may have reasons to make these statements regarding your potential interests in “other” women.  In my experience, when married couples take “breaks”, it’s not with the intention to date, to  “find someone Better, or “better looking”... but that’s just me...

So what’s going on here?

If you ever intended to really build a solid foundation with your W, meaning build *Trust*, this approach of “taking breaks” and dating is CLEARLY not working.

And if “pretty” or “prettier” is what you’re searching for, and nothing else matters, your search may be endless.

There’s a LOT more to love and relationships, a LOT more to marriage, at least I believe there ought to be.

Looking at yourself may be a good place to begin.  Because with what you’re communicating right now, any decent woman would figure out the emptiness of the “pretty” angle quickly, not to mention how quickly you’ll hightail it back to your W;  and most women would likely NOT settle for this level of nothing.

Sorry to be so harsh, but this was an odd post to read, especially right after what you wrote the other day.

It appears there’s more to work out than just your W’s behaviors.  If memory serves, I believe we’ve addressed this before (with regard to the physical abuse).  Has that cycle resolved itself?  Ended?

Your thoughts?

Gems


I am talking about a break more than a year ago. Not recently. Im not just talking about pretty women. Thanks for you reply though. I appreciate the feedback.

I'm trying to exit Its been to dang much for me and its not getting better. And the blatant abuse and disrespect in a public setting is something I don't think I can get over. Im asking once you start dating again do you find that you don't have as strong as a connection and get bored?
« Last Edit: November 21, 2020, 05:16:08 PM by Spam591 » Logged
Gemsforeyes
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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Ended 2/2020
Posts: 1026


« Reply #3 on: November 21, 2020, 06:58:56 PM »

Okay.

Perhaps you’re putting way too much pressure on yourself, worrying prematurely about being “attracted” to a future partner.  It’s not wise to jump from a relationship like this directly into another... or it will be just like this one.  Exactly like this one. 

My belief is that until you properly heal from this relationship and its damage, pain you endured, you won’t have much to offer another woman.  At least NOT to a healthy woman.  A disordered woman, sure!   It’s important to recognize that you’re starting from a very vulnerable position.

I feel that you’ve GOT to gain an understanding of WHY all of what happened was okay with you for so long.  Why?  And those are the answers about yourself that you probably don’t have right now.  Do you? 

My guess would be the answers have NOTHING to do with your W’s exterior loveliness.  It likely has more to do with something important you’ll learn about yourself.  If you take the time and effort to do that.  Will you?  Do you have the patience and compassion for yourself that you’ve had for your W?

I wonder...

Warmly,
Gems

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