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Author Topic: 7 years ended in 3 days explosion  (Read 103 times)
RobertSmith

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: separated
Posts: 6


« on: November 22, 2020, 06:59:21 AM »

Hi!

Sorry for the long post, I am looking for advice. I have been for the last 7 years in relation with a BPD partner, on and off on treatment but generally in a great relationship since 2016. We had a child that is less than 2 years old. We only broke up once and had been back together in a few days.

Since March and COVID, we have had all the possible stress ; health, tasks, financial, parenting, housing, foreseen passing of a central family member, etc. We increasingly fought on those issues, but remained nonetheless loving and functioning couple. We had a final fight on those issues, both exhausted, in which I was painted black as something that I am not to which I said that I loved her, but that she needed to leave. I later regretted those words and told her. This triggered something deep emotionally, as the week prior she was still telling me that she wanted more children, wanted me to marry her and was scared of me leaving her. She left for her parents place and requested a week to think.

As 2-3 days passed, she went 180 degrees totally, telling me that she didn't love me anymore, and that as a matter of facts, she never did. She is now living with her parent, which she periodically has been fighting with in the past. I doubt that she can be financially independent in the near future, since she wanted to quit her job to study 4 years ago, studies which she in turn hated, to then go back to said job presently but under pressure to complete her schooling in allowed time. She keeps on changing her mind and attitude towards me since, going from cold to sorry, on and off.

I try to maintain NC, but given the kid and the temporary custody, I have to maintain minimal contact. I want to save my family, but this is a paradox in those circumstances. 

Any advice is welcome!
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« Reply #1 on: November 24, 2020, 04:37:28 AM »

Excerpt
This triggered something deep emotionally

no doubt.

it is critical, essential, to understand this.

for all of your feelings of hurt and confusion, for all your wondering why she cant let go of misplaced, regretted anger, she is feeling, and wondering, the same, on a higher level.

i dont say any of that to add to your feelings of regret. i say it to suggest she is all over the place, and going to be, and that the single best thing you can offer that is patience and understanding, at a time where it is unimaginably hard to do so.

its also not to say shes being reasonable, here. but she may get there, if you are.

Excerpt
We had a final fight on those issues, both exhausted, in which I was painted black as something that I am not to which I said that I loved her, but that she needed to leave. I later regretted those words and told her.

tell us more about what went down and what was said.

were you asking her to leave the marriage, or the house (temporarily)? if the house, temporarily, does she get the distinction?
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     and I think it's gonna be all right; yeah; the worst is over now; the mornin' sun is shinin' like a red rubber ball…
RobertSmith

Online Online

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: separated
Posts: 6


« Reply #2 on: November 24, 2020, 08:39:28 AM »

Hi,

Thank you for the help from the deepest part of my heart! Those are tough times.

To give you a bit of context, I am the financial support of the family since years. House is in my name, almost everything in it too. While she got hit hard by COVID (anxiety, abandoned semester at school, on and off at her part-time work), on my end, I never worked as much since my job expertise is in high demand. This sort of put us in the situation where she would take care of the child and I would work. I still do home tasks (cooking, cleaning, dishes, etc.), but I would have to work weekend on occasion. I guess none of us liked that arrangement, but it happened.

The final fight was because she asked me to take care of the child, while I had to work and daycare was closed, while she would travel to see a ill family member (for about a week). I agreed to do so, asked family for help, but mentioned that this put me in a hard position. This pushed her to say to me that I am a bad father, that my child should always pass before my work, and basically telling me that I never do enough for the family. This baffled me to be polite. I get up the first in the morning, make breakfast, get him to day care, work, make supper, then dishes, then go to sleep the last. I have little to 0 free time since March, while if she has a bad night, she can do whatever she wants during the day. I understand that both role are important in a couple, but this was pushing me to the limit of what I can accept, and she would refuse to apologize.

I was so injured at this that my mind just basically said to her ''I love you, but leave and don't ever come back''.  She then panicked, telling me that I can't do that and we would go to therapy, to which I answered this went too far. She left for her parents, and then changed her mind about 4 times before she told me that she never loved me and that she was never coming back.

We since tried couples therapy and it is still ongoing, both with different objective in mind (reconciliation vs separation). She has little to no recollection of our past relationship, except that I have become a ''money and work'' person. She says she is a different person now and basically everything that she is reproaching me are things that I would reproach her for, and it seems like total projection!

Even the look in her face is different, she looks at me like I am a pile of trash. She refuses to pick up her belonging, doing it once a week slowly, all the while telling me she is never coming back. She changes her mind, sometimes many times a day about small details.  Now I am no mental health expert, but speaking with her she really doesn't even sound like herself anymore...

Everybody told her she was doing this too fast, but she claims she is doing great.

Like I said, this is a paradox...




« Last Edit: November 24, 2020, 08:48:08 AM by RobertSmith » Logged
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« Reply #3 on: November 25, 2020, 02:14:49 AM »

hi RS,

i guess the simplest way i can put this is that stressors can break the best of relationships down, and of course, a person with bpd traits doesnt deal well with stress. then again, who does.

Excerpt
she has little to no recollection of our past relationship, except that I have become a ''money and work'' person.

hard question here: do you think that the two of you grew apart during this time, these stressors?

is it possible that her comment was coming from a more personal place, more resentment and fear about that, than a judgment of you as a father?

to be clear, im not questioning how hard youve had it, your circumstances. im asking you to look deeply at this, from her perspective; from both of your perspectives.
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     and I think it's gonna be all right; yeah; the worst is over now; the mornin' sun is shinin' like a red rubber ball…
RobertSmith

Online Online

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: separated
Posts: 6


« Reply #4 on: November 25, 2020, 08:33:50 AM »

Thank you for the answer.

We did grow apart, we fought a few times about our respective responsibilities, but we nonetheless remained loving and caring in moments of closeness (if that makes sense). I did sometimes have the impression that she was more in love with the baby than me and that is an issue. For example, she would tell me that I don't even know the date of his next vaccination, nor do I know our current level of diapers, if the child cries during the night (and he always does), he takes my place in bed and I have to sleep on the sofa if he makes me unable to sleep... I tried to fight this, but I let go after a while since she takes all the decision about him and I better agree or else its a fight about me not respecting her ways... This sort of put me in the situation where I would mostly play with him and change diapers, walking on eggshells.

So me being a bad father is that in her mind is that I could do so much more with my kid. While when I do, I am either criticized or contradicting her ways. This is addressed now in therapy as in her mind, we were the only couple having those kind of issues (she wants a facebook happy fun time family photo life) to which the therapist tried to ground her back to planet earth.

It is true however that I was overworked, sometimes grumpy, on edge and tired because of all we went through since March and hence maybe less caring and attentive that I used to be. I can recognize that and was ready to come back to who I once was. But I did it to support my family the only way that I felt I could. I have supported her for 7 years, financially and emotionally, and she gave me a blender of emotions in return since. But at the time where I needed support, she left.


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