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Author Topic: Newly Ex-Boyfriend was on a sex hookup site  (Read 347 times)
So Done

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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Newly broken up
Posts: 6

Newly ended decade long relationship with BPD-exbf


« on: December 13, 2020, 08:06:24 PM »

Hello. I have been seeing a man off and on for close to 10 years now. We've had a lot of ups and downs. He was dx with BPD 2 years ago or so, and sees a Therapist, but I don't see that it has helped him. We went to counseling together for a little while, but he said he felt that the counselor and I were ganging up on him. I've caught him in lies about stuff over the years, but the last time we got back together, we agreed to not hide anything from each other at all and be completely open and honest. He started getting defensive when I'd ask him who he was texting or what he was doing on his phone, so I got suspicious. I went through his browser history on his computer one night and found that he had been looking at an unfamiliar site. when I put it in a new tab to see what it was, I realized that it was a casual sex hookup site. Not only that, his email and a password were saved there (different email from his usual one). I clicked in to it and saw that he'd been looking up couples who were advertising for a man to join them. He looked at local ads in our area.
 I was...stunned, sick to my stomach. He'd mentioned having someone join us a few times over the years, but only posed it as a fantasy, and when I told him I didn't really want that, he would always drop it. When I expressed concern that he wasn't okay with it, he told me it was just a fantasy and he wouldn't really act on it.
So, he had been on the site twice in 5 days. I couldn't talk with him that night as he was asleep and his little girl was staying the night. So the next day after work, I called him and asked him about it. First, I asked if he was happy with our relationship, he said yes. Then I asked if he was happy with our sexual relationship, and he said, "pretty much, why?" So I told him what I had found. I asked him why he was looking at that site and he first said, "I was just curious." But then, oddly, a few minutes later, he said, "I'm looking at the browser history and I don't see what you're talking about. I wasn't on that site. I did make an account several months ago when we weren't together but I forgot all about it and haven't been on it since." This just after he'd said he was looking out of curiosity? It infuriated me. I told him not to try to gaslight me and that I knew what I saw. He said it was just a "pop-up" ad, and that he hadn't actually looked at the site. I know what I saw.
So I sent him a long email the next day and asked him if he was dealing with some kind of sex addiction or something. I told him if he wasn't happy with our sex life we could have talked about it and tried new things, as long as they didn't involve another person. But that if that is what he wanted, we should go our separate ways.
I also told him how hurt and "not good enough" it made me feel. I knew he watched porn sometimes, I had even sat with him one night to watch and ask him what he liked, to see if he wanted me to do anything to spice things up.
His response to all of this? I didn't do anything that I need to apologize or explain. You don't know what you're talking about.
Sorry this is so lengthy. I just wanted to ask, is there any other reason that a person would make an account on a site like this and be checking it? If he hasn't actually done anything, it certainly seems to show intent to do so. And his refusal to explain himself or even apologize is...beyond my comprehension. I just don't understand it at all. Can anyone shed some light on his behavior in this situation please?
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B53
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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Broken up
Posts: 231


« Reply #1 on: December 14, 2020, 07:06:41 PM »

So Done,
I’m so sorry for how you are feeling. I can’t address the fact that he was looking at the website. I don’t think I would take that well either. If you have caught him in lies before, then go with your gut. I can respond to the porn. In my younger years, I would feel crushed and not good enough when I caught my SO looking at porn or pretty women when they walked by, but as I got older, I learned that it wasn’t personal. I have had many male friends over the years. I did sailboat racing for three summers, with eight men, who were all married and their wives knew I was the only female on the boat. I would never take part in an adulterous relationship and they didn’t feel threatened. After I was there for awhile they stopped censoring what they said. Because I was one of the crew, I was included in their group emails, which often included pictures of nude women and tasteless jokes. Some were even actually funny. I would bet most men, not all, if they were honest would admit to looking at porn at some time in their life. Even the ones in happy relationships. Probably there are women who do it too. If you get upset, they will hide it and then they will start to hide other things that they think will upset you. I believe you have to pick your battles and realize which ones you’ll never win.
Take care of yourself,
B53




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So Done

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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Newly broken up
Posts: 6

Newly ended decade long relationship with BPD-exbf


« Reply #2 on: December 15, 2020, 07:31:02 AM »

Hi B53, thanks for your response. I do appreciate your input on the porn, etc. Initially, I was very upset several years ago when I learned he was watching porn, but I eventually accepted it. I have dealt with those flashes of jealousy and insecurity when I've seen him look at a pretty woman or be overly friendly (IMO) with a young female server. But I was open to watching porn with him. He was a little freaked out when I offered. I sat with him to ask what he liked, what kind of videos, and he was reluctant to show me but finally did.
But having an account on a casual sex hookup site is not okay with me. Even if he was just looking out of "morbid curiosity," his response to me when I asked him about it was not okay. He just said he did nothing wrong and didn't owe me any apology or explanation at all. To me, that was a total disregard for my feelings and a lack of respect for me. Because when I asked him about it, obviously I was upset, but I gave him the opportunity to explain. I wanted to understand, I wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt. And he just counter attacked me on things from the past, flipping things around. He always has done this, but I didn't even respond to that stuff. Then he said he wanted me to bring his things to him and pick up mine from his place. I said if he wanted to give back our things, he needed to come to my place. So he did. I put his items in my van, and he came and dropped off my stuff in the back of my van and took his things and left. We didn't speak in person, I stayed inside, other than to click the lock and unlock button on my vehicle fob.
I've tolerated a lot of disrespectful behavior over the years because I was always willing to excuse it due to all he has suffered in his life. And maybe because of that, I was basically giving him permission to treat me like PLEASE READ. And he did. But I am (as my alias says) "So Done" with allowing that type of treatment.
I just wondered if anyone here thought he was on the site just to look and not actually trying to connect with others. But after thinking it through, like I said above, even if he was just looking, how he responded to me when I asked is unacceptable. It was the final straw. I am going to still see my doctor and get tested for STDs, though, which is humiliating for me but necessary.
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B53
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Broken up
Posts: 231


« Reply #3 on: December 15, 2020, 02:41:04 PM »

SD
It would be hard to say if he did or did not go on the site or more. Trust is very important in a relationship and many people on this site have been betrayed. Right now you seem to still be in the reactive stage, but when that wears off, then the realization of your relationship being over will sink in. I’ve read that, what you feel when a relationship ends, is the same as withdrawing from hard drugs. It is very painful and I was in a bad place for awhile. The people on this site are wonderful and will support you through the process and they will let you know that you’re not alone. I found it helpful to read other’s stories. I also found it helpful to read in detail about BPD so you understand what you have been dealing with. This is a serious personality disorder. The most important thing is to take care of yourself.
B53
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« Reply #4 on: December 16, 2020, 12:51:50 AM »

I just wondered if anyone here thought he was on the site just to look and not actually trying to connect with others.

its possible. its unlikely, and if it were the truth, its a pretty slippery slope, you have a fundamental problem with it - those things are significant - but its possible.

regardless, it doesnt seem like these issues, long standing, are resolvable. relationships require trust and security, and it sounds like this has been a sticking point between the two of you.
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So Done

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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Newly broken up
Posts: 6

Newly ended decade long relationship with BPD-exbf


« Reply #5 on: December 17, 2020, 08:08:46 PM »

Thank you, B53 and Once removed, for responding. We have broken up and recycled a few times. I've read through several things on the site, and the articles, and others' stories, do help me to understand somewhat.
I just don't know how to wrap my head around all of the contradictions. He could be so sweet sometimes, buying me flowers or little gifts, being very affectionate and loving...then he could turn around and be hateful, flipping out over nothing, shutting me out, lying to me. And then this with the hookup site. I have read some people mentioning the Jekyll and Hyde thing. It has been like that sometimes. Recently, we were driving to pick up some food at a restaurant, curbside. He had music on and was singing along. He has a nice voice and I've told him so many times. He used to sing karaoke a lot. So as he was singing, he really emphasized the word pain ("ppppain!"). It was such an emphasis on the sound that I thought he was doing it to be silly, so I laughed a little and said, "Really?" He said, "What?" So I said it back to him the way he had. He pulled in and parked to wait for our food, and said I was mocking him. I apologized and said I thought he was just being silly and wanted a reaction from me. He got teary eyed, and said he would never sing again in front of me, or anyone. I apologized and tried to explain the misunderstanding. He got out of the car and said he was walking home. I asked him to please get back in, but he refused. So I sat there in the car until the food got there. I tried calling and texting but he ignored me. I had to drive his car toward home, then I picked him up along the road. He at least got in, but was still angry with me. When we got back to his place, he went to bed for the rest of the night.
I know that with BPD, people can't regulate their emotions, and often the reactions have more to do with past experiences of those who abused them. But my gosh, after 10 years, doesn't he know me better than to think I would be deliberately cruel?? I just struggle with understanding it. I guess I'm going to have to accept that I'm never going to truly understand it. All I can do is educate myself, continue with my own therapy...and stay at No Contact. But it's damned hard right now. I feel emotionally fragile, traumatized by this latest discovery about him having an account or whatever on this site. It makes me sick, makes me feel chilled (it's hard to describe the feelings) when I think about him meeting up with a couple and messing around...while we were together. I don't have any problem with others who want that lifestyle. It's just not for me. He said before that he was okay with that, but obviously that was a lie, too. And getting no explanation, no closure, just being shut out, is really difficult.
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B53
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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Broken up
Posts: 231


« Reply #6 on: December 17, 2020, 10:11:13 PM »

SD,
I was accused of being unkind by my BP too. I told him that, it hurt my feeling that he would think I would deliberately do anything to hurt his feelings. I ended up saying that many times during our time together. I eventually realize that,  I didn’t have to tell him that I wasn’t unkind, because I know that I am a kind person and that’s what really matters. It’s not about us, it’s them. They say in Al-Anon I didn’t cause it, I can’t control it and I can’t cure it. That can apply here.

Take care of yourself, call a friend, talk to a therapist and keep posting.

B53
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So Done

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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Newly broken up
Posts: 6

Newly ended decade long relationship with BPD-exbf


« Reply #7 on: December 18, 2020, 06:44:40 PM »

I'm glad you were able to tell yourself you're kind, and to finally stop feeling the need to convince him. I have struggled so much with that. I would try so hard to just explain the miscommunication, to show him I wasn't being insulting or mean or ___ (fill in the blank). It was pointless. He would say, now you're saying my feelings don't matter, or something to that effect.
I met with my therapist this week, and that was really helpful. She also gently suggested I should get tested for STDs. I've been thinking I should, just hate to have to say the words to my doctor. But better a few moments of embarrassment than...worse.
I will definitely take the Al-Anon words to heart. Thank you, B53. Hope you have a good weekend!
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You are enough.
B53
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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Broken up
Posts: 231


« Reply #8 on: December 21, 2020, 10:50:01 AM »

SD,
I wouldn’t worry about what a doctor thinks, they’ve heard it all. When I get in new relationships I have them get tested before we are intimate. I get one for them too.
I hope your feeling better!
B53
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