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Author Topic: Leaving me means becoming homeless  (Read 372 times)
JoeBPD81
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« on: November 23, 2020, 08:26:44 AM »

Hi all,

there's no going back. We've been barely a couple for 6 years, 5 living together. I gave her and her 2 sons everything.

I left my friends, because all of them knew my ex-wife and she never wanted to see them. She told me I should meet them alone, but complained and acused me of doing other things. Also pressured me about leaving the kids unattended (with her) and not caring about them. Result: I never felt it was worth it.

I spent my savings because she had no job all these years. She took care of the kids and the home, and I'm grateful for that. She didn't spend anything on herself. But I needed a bigger house for the 4 of us, and I moved to a more expensive neirborhood so the kids could go to a good school. I moved around without a car, and I got one to drive us 4 around. And other expenses.

I left my university degree (I might go back) because it was a pain to ask for some time to study, and it was impossible at home with all the screams (the kids fight with each other all the time, and they don't do one good deed or any duty, so she sreams at them all the time also). Also because there was no one home that would be glad I had one good grade after my efforts. Also because she loved to study before and now she can't concentrate so it made her hate me to think I could study.

I left my happyness, my hope, my kindness, my self esteem, my pride, my goals... I reduced my life to try not to enfuriate her, and I failed at that too every day.

She would tell me I'm a drama queen for saying this. I feel I'm disgusting to her. And I'm an ATM for the kids. I've been supporting her, finantially and emotionally even after she said we would never had sex again, even after there was no love at all towards me.

She knows she's not OK, she's been diagnosed for multiple things, including BPD. And she knows it's true, and not all of it. But she won't go to therapy, and actively takes the world in her mind over reallity. Even if it tells her to hate the only person who's helping her.

And still, they live at my house. I'm not going to kick them out during this pandemic. But I'm not holding her back either. It kills me to say that after trying everything, I want them to go. I want to have a life without them, even as I don't have any will to live or any dreams. But I don't want enemies, I don't want screams in my house, I don't want to second guess everything I do to please someone that gives me nothing but complaints.

She's been telling me they are leaving as soon as she finds a place to go for months, more than a year. We would have a heartfell conversation or some pleasant days, and it faded away, and then she would say one day that the plan about leaving never changed. She has no one else. She has a family with a lot of drama, and they treat her like she treats me, as if they would want for her to not exist. She doesn't count on them and I think she won't ask for their help. She might ask the father of the kids, who was a drunk wife beater, sooner that her own mother. It's a really dark prospect. But meanwhile, she's been taking from me, and not feeling/showing any gratefulness towards me. Now she tells me everyday "thanks for the roof over our heads" as a mantra, while she still avoids me like the plague.

I'm trying to picture my life without them. To have some proyects. I'm so hurt right now that I believe I won't be all worried about them, but I've been for so long, and when the abuse is over, I will worry about them. I know I still love her, but when I think that, there's a wall and a warning that tells me to run, because she's going to hurt me more. I can't love her because she doesn't even see me as a human being.

I still don't know when they would leave. The time we spend at home is very uncomfortable. The kids misbehave, and I avoid them and they avoid me. I know it's not a good time for any of them, but I've been in their corner all the time, and got no compassion for me.

If they leave, I don't know if I would keep the flat, or find something cheaper. If I would try to move to a smaller city, If I would go back to study. I know I'll go to therapy, and I will try to reach out for help, if any friend still cares about me. I'm 42, and I feel I failed at life. I feel there's no place for me. I feel life is too much work for too little reward. So my only goal is to not feel like this. I tried to help a family by becoming one of them, and I couldn't make life any better for them and lost myself in the process.

I know there's a lot of people here who understand. I just need someone to listen with compassion. I don't want any rage. I want someone to tell me that MY pain is also real and important. That I'm not weak and disgusting for feeling like this.

I know there are stories much serious than mine. Bigger betrayals. Criminal behaviour involved... And I'm very sorry for those of you that took them. I hope in time I can offer some support to many of you.
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« Reply #1 on: November 23, 2020, 06:52:49 PM »

Welcome! You are in the right place. I feel your desperation and my heart breaks for you. She has a serious illness and you didn’t cause it and you can’t cure it. I know that right now you don’t feel like you are a valuable person, but I have no doubt that you are! I think getting a therapist would be a good first step. One that is familiar with BPD would probably be best.  Hang in there and keep posting.
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« Reply #2 on: November 24, 2020, 07:07:33 AM »

Hi JoeBPD81.

Yes Joe Your pain is real and important, it is palpable from reading this is a troubling situation.

A lot of thoughts about the future and evaluating going on in the midst of the emotion, not only in terms of finances, career, but is this facing a turning point of declaring that for everything the relationship meant, you also have needs, wants, wishes, desires and they are very much unmet, unfulfilled.

I relate, it was push-factors over time that made me make my choice, a culmination of factors that interlink emotionally. Its not for me to say "you are not weak and disgusting" - if this thought you have, it is up to you alone how to process it - if it is something that represents a stumble block to get stuck on. Or a stick of mental dynamite to blast an escape route through the roadblock. Or if it gets internalised as "true" or rejected as "false", your thought, your choice what do with it (or to just view it as is and not attach a judgement)

It took 3 years of experience the highs, lows to start to identify what the aggregate of it represented as an average day in the life of Cromwell. I found it was enough time with her to conclude, I did not like my lot in life and it was time to find a different way, lest it continue, more of the same. Guilt in my view is a very powerful emotion, it can lead to subjugating of a life of joy to a life of living under the master of guilt to direct the way.

Life is too short for me, to feel guilt, it is a form of being stuck in the rut of the past and denying what is on offer in the present, it can sully each new day and therefore represent a form of chronic disease. It makes things worse, not better, so why bother? I feel no guilt for anything, it is pointless, unhealthy and irrational subjective interpretation of past circumstances and what blame is also judged subjectively. Subjective is not reality but beliefs. Besides I want a relationship where im part of and can do things, even fundamentally - stay or leave without guilt being the coercive reason for doing so. All the best and hope it works out for you.
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JoeBPD81
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« Reply #3 on: November 25, 2020, 03:36:09 AM »

Thanks a lot for your answers!

English is not my 1st language, so it comes a point where some complicated abstract matters are difficult for me to understand. It took me a while to get the message, if I got it right.

The "weak and disgusting" feeling is how I feel she sees me. She never told me straight, but she says I take offense in things that are not attacks, that I'm down and gray in my room, like a martyr, and she can't stand it. It should be "she's gone, this feeling is gone too", but it is something that stays with me. I hope I don't feeel like this for long, but I feel I'm at the end of my life, I feel old, spent. So I think "this has been my life".

When one person argues, the other argues back, both blow out some steam, and maybe it last not too long. With me, when one person is angry at me, I feel confused and very sad. With her, I'm not supposed to take it personally, but she's very sweet and compasionate with everyone... but me. So it's hard not to.

I don't know. But I think if they weren't in need, I would have ended the relationship a long time ago, no hard feelings. "I love you, but this is not working. We hurt each other much more often that we help each other." But I got into a RS with kids involved. I didn't go half way in. I became a father to these kids. They were living the 3 of them in a room with matreses on the floor, fightinhg for the custody, and some child support. So I took them in too soon for the RS. Maybe she would have found a way to support themselves if I hadn't helped them. But when you love someone, it's hard to let them live like dogs while you have a house.

Anyway, the point is that they are dependent on me. I'm not only breaking up with her, I'm leaving them on the street, no job, no savings... I'm not actually kicking them out, I'm waiting for them to go. But still, it's not only the separation, is knowing they are in trouble. As hard as my life is with them, I care about them. I don't wish them any harm. Hence, the title of this post.
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« Reply #4 on: November 26, 2020, 09:12:01 PM »

You write well for someone who’s English is not their first language.
There is no point arguing with a BP,  you will NEVER win! Look up gaslighting, they are pros. The best thing you can do is not interact. I learned that if I didn’t interact and watched what my ex was doing/acting, it was kind of sad, that someone would behave that way. She is having a temper tantrum. She is the one who has the problem, not you! She is miserable and she is projecting that on to you.
It understandable that you are concerned about the children, but the interaction they are seeing between the two of you can’t be healthy either. They would be happier somewhere else. They say children would rather be from a broken, then in one.
Can you help her find a place?
I’m sure you are a wonderful person and you deserve to be treated with dignity and respect. Even though you can’t imagine it right now, you can be happy again. Try to take care of yourself!
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JoeBPD81
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« Reply #5 on: December 01, 2020, 07:21:30 AM »

Thanks for saying that I write well (considering)

I'm aware that I can't win an argument, what I would like is to not have any. Today she started acusing me that I own a better Wifi in my room that I don't share with the rest of the family. Not only is not true, but it's the opposite, I own a repeater, because the signal to my room is crap. I bougth an antenna for my laptop, to get some signal. And that's the story with everything. Years dealing with the worst signal to give her the best, and not only she doesn't appreciate it, but acuses me to cheat her on this. When I try to explain, she says I'm insulting her intelligence and being condescending. She never backs up on these things, even when she is presented with evidence or time goes by and her paranoia settles down. 2 months ago I bought her a new phone because hers was broken, and she returned it because she thought I was spying on her from the phone. Anything good I do, it's turned the other way around.

I really have a hard time when people, even strangers think or imply that I'm not honest. Having the person that I loved the most saying that all the time, broke me.

I try to interact as little as possible. Yesterday I was in my room all evening. Even so, this morning I got acussed for the kids not going to bed soon enough. Keeping to myself, she finds that offensive too.

My RS with the kids is chaotic, at best. I mean, I care about them, and they are fond of me. But I feel they like me because they get things out of me. They like me because they can use me. Also, because I don't scream at them as much as their mom. I'm taught that raising kids you explain things to them, and then they behave. That's the experience of my parents, with 4 kids. They don't know how lucky they have been. These kids, you explain, and when they are sure what's right and what's wrong, they choose wrong. Sounds awful, but I haven't seen any sign of good will from these kids in 6 years. They often use me to escape punishment. It's better if I don't ennumerate all the examples... But after 6 years I feel they like me (as a toy or something they can use), but they don't care about me or anyone as a person. I don't expect them to be Ghandi, just some good will at their level. So no, I'm not super concerned about the kids, I'm afraid they will end up in jail, so If I'm wrong, they will be doing better than expected. It's cold and sad, but I've been kept at arms leght from their education, I've been treated like an enemy, and never a part of the family (only to take from me and not appreciate it).

The moment I intervene, I'm the bad guy, it goes like this:

SHE: Kid you have to study.
ME: Kid, you have to study.
SHE: Leave the kid alone! he's just a child, he has to play! you are creating conflict...

It's a dumb example, but I feel like if I'm involved, the kids get away with anything, because she was mad at them, but then she's mad at me instead. . So it's a crazy house, and I'm the joke.

So I should just care about the kids, as any human being would. But as I've been kept away from the family, and threatened about leaving me every two weeks. And how they are themselves. I've been reluctant (and/or unable) to form a tight bond with them. And I tried my best to not antagonize her, because it's all they have. And they are going to live with her, in her reallity. I will want to see them, and help them if I can, but I won't miss living with them (not a lot, I'm sad already).

I never felt like a wonderful person. But I was sure I was  honest, helpful, peaceful, patient... What I would call a decent person. Just that. Not evil, not sneaky, not disonest. But now I feel completely lost, even in what I know about myself. Now I'm sure I don't want to have kids, even if maybe it's not too late. And I'm too scared to start any other RS. This one look so promising and simple at the begining...

Did this happened to you too?
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« Reply #6 on: December 01, 2020, 08:07:53 AM »

Your dealing with a person with a major mood disorder. There is NOTHING you can do to make her happy. What is going on really has nothing to do with you and all to do with her disorder. The fact that you have put up with what you have and still worry about her and the kids shows that you are a nice kindhearted person. What  you want and hope for from her, she is incapable of giving you or anyone else. Her only hope would be to get intensive therapy and since most BPs don’t think that they are the one with the problem, they usually don’t. The biggest struggle I have is accepting the fact that my ex never really loved me. He doesn’t know how. They are the emotional equivalent of a young child. They love like a child, not an adult. They are happy when they get what they want, but that happiness is short lived. If they don’t get what they want, they a temper tantrum. You are not dealing with an emotionally mature person. She needs to go and you need to heal. I don’t think you can do this alone. You need to reach out to a therapist, family member or friend.

I’m sure that you would be a wonderful father. If you were to give your love to an emotionally healthy individual, the outcome would be very different.
Hang in there and keep reading what other people are writing and you will see that you’re not alone.
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JoeBPD81
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« Reply #7 on: December 01, 2020, 08:59:01 AM »

Thanks a lot for the words of comfort.

I think I gave up hoping she would love me long time ago. If she loved me once, it's long gone. She still says she loves me. But I do love her, it's not only that I don't make her happy, is that I see she's suffering and very often she is suffering from something, or at least she verbaly blames her suffering on something that it's about me and I never did.

Yes, I see very immature kids do the same things she does. I say good morning, she says I have a private secret internet connection in my bedroom, and then she asks me why I don't leave her alone and stop wanting to fight. I only said Good morning!

The botom line is that I've always put her first and myself second. And she never saw it, but not only that, she acuses me of selfish acts, and dishonest acts that I never did. So if I hurt myself sacrificing something, now I hurt myself again, because it went no where.

There should be some comfort in knowing I didn't do those things. Right? But what good does it make to be the only one that knows I'm honest? The only one in the world I live in. The kids believe me, they know if I say one thing, I do it. They don't like it very much, but they know. If they ask 19 times something from mom and she said no, they know maybe if they ask a 20th time, they will get it. They ask me only twice, because there's no point.

It hurts a lot when I think she maybe never loved me. Thinking back, she's been acusing me of things I didn't do from the begining. And I thought that when she knew me better, she would change. All kinds of people trust me with their secrets, and know they can count on me. But not her. She says at the beginning she wasn't herself, she was acting, doing the things she thought she needed to do for me to like her. And those are the things I do for someone I love, the same things I've been doing for her. And most of them are not sacrifices, they are just the things you do for someone you care about, and it makes you happy to do them, you don't feel you are doing it FOR them. Is this true? Or did she say that to hurt me or to excuse herself for not doing it anymore?

I was married before meeting her. For 15 years. And I never felt my wife was in love with me. We were good friends. And we were comfortable with each other, shared a lot of history. But I was always following. Always yieding and serving. I felt tested, and I was the one who had to be good enough for her. The marriage broke appart when I started to think: Is she meeting the same standards? Would she do for me what I do for her? So in 42 years, I've only experienced the feeling that someone is in love with me for some weeks with this pwBPD, and maybe it was fake. It makes me feel I'm not relationship material, I'm just a waste of space. But then I see most of the people don't give so much to another person, and the RS doesn't ask that much of them.
This RS is just crazy. In my marriage, I didn't realize how unbalanced it was until I started to go to therapy and I talked about it with other couples. Even good friends of my ex-wife told me they always wondered how did I take it for so long.

I don't feel I could give that much to anyone anymore. And I don't think it's fare to be with someone if you are not willing to give what you consider is what a husband/boyfriend should give.

At the same time, I'm ashamed to realize I need love, as anyone, I supose. And I'm in tears when someone shows me some affection. Even a stranger, and old woman, calls me "honey" or tells me "you're a sweetheart", and I'm holding back tears.

She often talks about her being the one with the problem. Admits to BPD, and other disorders too. She says it's all her fault, but still talks to me as if everything was MY fault. Still, she won't go to therapy, and takes only some of the medication she is prescribed. Very often I see that her tantrums are like a child's. But she's so smart and articulate that it's hard to take her as one.

Anyway, I feel like burrying myself underground and live isolated for the rest of my life, but I know I have to reach out. That's why I write here, also. I'll find a therapist, and I'll meet with old friends even when I don't feel like it. I still thinks I'll need to write here, hopefully I can offer some comfort too. Because no one know how's this if they haven't lived through it.  Everyone understands why I'm frustrated and unhappy, but no one understands why I tried for so long. You know?

I don't think I'm "an emotionally healthy individual" myself at this point.

Thanks B53. Are you recovering from a RS like this one? I see there are some differences when the pwBPD is a male, but there are also many similarities too. I hope you are on the path of happiness, and you helped me with your words.

Take care.

 
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« Reply #8 on: December 01, 2020, 10:12:25 AM »

Joe,
At the moment you are not ready to be involved with anyone, you need to heal first. Don’t believe the awful things that she says to you, it’s never based on reality. When my ex went off, he would say awful things and would later say it wasn’t true. I knew it wasn’t true and that’s all that really matters. Self esteem doesn’t come from others, it’s about self. The more you work on you, the less likely you will attract or be attracted to unhealthy people. If you don’t believe in yourself, why should others. I wrote a post, titled watch this. You don’t need to read the whole post, but watch the video. It will give you a perspective as to who you are trying to communicate with. She is a child in an adult body. Nothing she stays is based in reality.

Instead of telling yourself that this is the end of the possibility to have a good life, tell yourself that this can be the beginning of a good life. There is someone out there that would be ecstatic to receive the love you have to give.

Several people have talked about journaling and I am thinking about doing it. I think it could be helpful. Meditation is also something to try.

I think my situation is a little different than most, I also wonder if it is because he is a male. I think he fits more under the hermit BPD category.

Try to find some joy in this day
B53




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JoeBPD81
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« Reply #9 on: December 02, 2020, 07:10:12 AM »

Excerpt
Joe,
At the moment you are not ready to be involved with anyone, you need to heal first.

True that! I've never been involved with someone just to not be alone. I fell in love without looking for it. Even if I wanted to, I don't have the tools, I never went out to... hunt? (I'm sorry if that's very inappropriate). With the job I have, I would have to make an effort to meet new people, and I'm not up for it. I never was the social type. So I think I'm safe. Just analizing myself and my reactions, that's why I say I realize I need some affection, some kindness. Because I',ve been in a RS for 6 years, but it wasn't a loving relationship for 99% of the time. Even if I met someone that seems perfect, I know I need time alone. And I even think I can enjoy it.

When I'm out of this constant fighting, I might conclude the the good parts  don't compensate hardship of a RS. I've been living for other person since I was 19, I never even thought about what I wanted to acomplish in my life. I was a good husband and I was content. Until I wasn't.

Excerpt
Don’t believe the awful things that she says to you, it’s never based on reality. When my ex went off, he would say awful things and would later say it wasn’t true.

That's the thing, she never says later that it wasn't true. It stucks. Next time she would use as evidence a thing that didn't happen in the past. To understand her, I had to keep track of the web of lies she thought about me. And it is exhausting. I wouldn't love the person she believes I am either. Reallity never was enough to compensate her feelings. To refute her view. Thing is, I now believe she wouldn't love me even if she saw me as I trully am. But I've been trying for so long that she didn't hate me this much.

Excerpt
I knew it wasn’t true and that’s all that really matters. Self esteem doesn’t come from others, it’s about self. The more you work on you, the less likely you will attract or be attracted to unhealthy people. If you don’t believe in yourself, why should others. I wrote a post, titled watch this. You don’t need to read the whole post, but watch the video. It will give you a perspective as to who you are trying to communicate with. She is a child in an adult body. Nothing she says is based in reality.

Instead of telling yourself that this is the end of the possibility to have a good life, tell yourself that this can be the beginning of a good life. There is someone out there that would be ecstatic to receive the love you have to give.

She says that to me, it's so sad. That any other woman in the world would be on her  knees thanking God for having me. The awful things she sees in me, she thinks all men (and women) are like that, but worse. She doesn't get why it makes me so sad. For example, if she thinks I'm a liar, all men are, so it's not a big deal, it's not so monstruous to be a liar. It's harder to think about recovering while they are still at home. It's screams all the time from the minute they are home. Kids do the opposite to what they should be doing, and she screams. I used to try to make some peace, but I was screamed at more often than not, so I stay in my room now. She hates that too. I'm playing videogames, because if I try to read, or watch a movie, my mind wanders and my thoughts go into a spyral of negativity. For years I didn't play, but with the kids I knew about new things, and I'm discovering, and enjoying, interesting games. I can't play action/violent games, my heart is not ready, but there are a surprising amount of indie games where art and thought are in the middle of their conception.

It's not a good prospect to spend my days playing videogames, but hey, one day at a time. I was never hooked for long periods of time.I have a College degree on standby, I will end it, and that will help with my self esteem. That might also open a door for new posibilities in life. Maybe traveling, maybe a career change... But first I want to just be alone for a while, and see what wakes up once I'm not living in alert mode all the time just to avoid trouble with her. 

I read your other post, but I haven't watched the video, it's blocked when I log in at work, and I forget at home. I will get to it.
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« Reply #10 on: December 02, 2020, 09:11:50 AM »

I’m not sure that my post really applies to you, but the video might. It sounds like you are thinking this through and that at times you can see the light, that’s good. It’s good that video games are a distraction, but they can be addicting, so be careful.

Please try to stop internalizing the things she says. She is not well and does not have grip on reality. Try to focus on all the possibilities  without her.

You need to figure out a way to get her to leave. You can’t do anything until then. Unfortunately, I don’t have an answer for that.
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« Reply #11 on: December 03, 2020, 03:56:46 AM »

I saw the video. It was good. I've watched and read a lot of materias on how to try to make it work. Now this is clearly a video about "Run, you fool!" It is amazing that this guy is so affected after a RS of 3 months, while I've been involved with this girl for 6 years.

I can't help but think : OK I have a way out and hope. But how is she going to survive/cope/live? Who in this society worries about that? They are ill, and part of their illness is to not go to get help. And in this case, she has 2 kids. And even when they are troubled and damaged themselves, does that mean that they should be out of the game? I know the solution for me is to stay away from them, but what's the solution for them?

I know, I know, it's not my responsibility. But this people have been my family, albeit a disfunctional one, for 6 years. And I've seen her as a little girl often, crying and crying because what the world demands of her is too much. That image and many other things have contributed to help me not believe that I have a chance to be in a romantic mature RS with her. It doesn't help much to not take things personally, as it should. The kids have tantrums all the time, and they say pretty awful things (to each other, to her, to me...) and it's easier to not take it personally, because they would say those things to whoever is by their side. And they are like that ll the time, there aren't multiple personalities there.

Anyway, thanks for the video. I've made my decision. And I don't have any hope nor desire to be her partner. What I have trouble dealing with, is how unfair this all is. For everyone involved, but I have hope to get out and they don't.
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Our 2023 Financial Sponsors
We are all appreciative of the members who provide the funding to keep BPDFamily on the air.
12years
alterK
AskingWhy
At Bay
Cat Familiar
CoherentMoose
drained1996
EZEarache
Flora and Fauna
ForeverDad
Gemsforeyes
Goldcrest
Harri
healthfreedom4s
hope2727
khibomsis
Lemon Squeezy
Memorial Donation (4)
Methos
Methuen
Mommydoc
Mutt
P.F.Change
Penumbra66
Red22
Rev
SamwizeGamgee
Skip
Swimmy55
Tartan Pants
Turkish
whirlpoollife



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